I have my exam tomorrow-- and I can't bring myself to do the readings. I'm so not interested in this course but I need it for my program. It's just so boring. Ugh.
Well, maybe a good sleep and reading under pressure will be what kicks me into gear. We'll see-- tomorrow will just be a heavily caffeinated day. And then I get to relax. Finally. And sleep. Finally. And maybe enjoy life for once? I don't even care if I don't do well on it. I'm so over it already.
This friends with benefits thing... well, it sucks. I forgot how hard it is emotionally. Sure, I'm having a great time. He's an amazing friend and I like spending time with him, and the sex is always great, but I'm finding it harder and harder to hide my feelings and part of me feels like tearing myself apart over him isn't worth it. I know it's only going to end badly for me. Either I'll fuck up and lose him as a friend completely, or he'll become interested in some other, better girl and I'll have to watch him fall in love with someone else. This fucking sucks.
Worst part is, he's not over his ex from like 5 months ago. Seems like the beginning of my last relationship all over again, and look where that led me. Perhaps I should just forget about it. Would he even be interested in being my friend if it weren't for the sex? But as long as I'm offering sex, I'm just opening myself up to being used longer.. and I'm closing myself down for other opportunities.
All I want is a chance, but I'm never going to get one. And it fucking hurts. I'd like to say I don't know what's wrong with me, what's so unworthy about me... but truth is, I do. I'm erratic, reckless, over emotional, unappreciative, shy, completely weird, ugly, and fat. There's really not that much good about me, so I guess I understand why he would want to keep his options open. I'm never going to be fortunate enough to fall in love, and stay in love, anyway. So what's the point of falling if you're only going to crash and burn?
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