So today wasn't good. I was doing very well until my sister invited me over for her birthday...number 19, she's officially legal.
So as a birthday present, I told her I'd either give her 10 bucks or I'd DD for free tonight + free coffee and food at timmy's. She chose #2, so we went. I only got a coffee (yay) but when we went back to my dad's, there was a lot of food. I had 250 cals worth of chocolate and about 240 cals worth of chips...or more :( PLuuus we're going out for dinner, where I'm expected to have AT LEAST a slice of pizza. I would've been fine with that for today's calorie count (400), but nooo I HAD to have the chips and chocolates :(
So I don't know whether I should just count this day as a fail and move on to day four tomorrow, or redo this day tomorrow... ? or start all over, since I'm not far along? but then I'd have to end early for the cruise...
I'm thinking just fail. I allow myself two before having to start from day 1. so I have one left with 47 days to go...huh, real brilliant. Well, tomorrow I believe is only 300, and it's new year's eve, so I wanted to drink a little, and obviously I have to eat some food with the booze, too. That's a loooooot of calories :/ Maybe I'll just have a wine cooler and piece of toast? I don't know... :/
So anyway, I'm just not happy with myself. I might take away today and tomorrow's excesses from the next 3 days each. i.e. over by 400= 400 less everyday for 3-4 days? That sounds fair.
I hope my mommy finally bought me that elliptical.
Anywhooo I'mma go PT now, so peace out. ;)
Thursday, December 30, 2010
Monday, December 27, 2010
a little fallback...
but I'm recovering from it.
So I've been bingeing like crazy for a week. Seriously. So close to my binge-free december...and I blew it :(
So...I gained OVER 10 pounds... ugh.
I'm up to 105ish... it's disgusting.
Today was my last binge. I've packed up all my sweets and Christmas chocolates and everything and I'm bringing them to my sister tomorrow. She lives at my dad's, so it's not like I can just go sneak some. Then, I'm fasting for 2-3 days, maybe more if I feel I can handle it. ABC starts saturday, but obviously it's okay to have no calories instead of the 500 or so allowed. Plus, if I break my fast, I'll be okay as long as I stay under the abc calorie limit.
EDIT: I was looking at the dates for ABC, and I might be going on a cruise on the last week...seriously, the cruise ends on the last day. So I think I'll start the abc tomorrow so I can have a couple days on the cruise to experiment with caribbean foods and stuff, obviously without going overboarrrrd...haha boat jokes.
I just feel so pumped right now. I feel like a child on Christmas eve, so close to opening my presents. I can't wait for tomorrow...to feel empty and in control again. I WILL do it this time. I HAVE to.
well, time for bed, so peace out.
So I've been bingeing like crazy for a week. Seriously. So close to my binge-free december...and I blew it :(
So...I gained OVER 10 pounds... ugh.
I'm up to 105ish... it's disgusting.
Today was my last binge. I've packed up all my sweets and Christmas chocolates and everything and I'm bringing them to my sister tomorrow. She lives at my dad's, so it's not like I can just go sneak some. Then, I'm fasting for 2-3 days, maybe more if I feel I can handle it. ABC starts saturday, but obviously it's okay to have no calories instead of the 500 or so allowed. Plus, if I break my fast, I'll be okay as long as I stay under the abc calorie limit.
EDIT: I was looking at the dates for ABC, and I might be going on a cruise on the last week...seriously, the cruise ends on the last day. So I think I'll start the abc tomorrow so I can have a couple days on the cruise to experiment with caribbean foods and stuff, obviously without going overboarrrrd...haha boat jokes.
I just feel so pumped right now. I feel like a child on Christmas eve, so close to opening my presents. I can't wait for tomorrow...to feel empty and in control again. I WILL do it this time. I HAVE to.
well, time for bed, so peace out.
Tuesday, December 21, 2010
Soo, yeah...
today was horrible. I ate like a pig...
at work we were doing 'creations'...and I just HAD to try them...
ugh, now I feel like a failure. I can't even get through ONE day.
So I went on the scale today...
104...that's almost 10 pounds in a month.
I'm more motivated than ever to get that number back down. IT WILL go down.
I'm not eating until it's 92. Well, not eating much. I can't wait until the first so I can start ABC :)
Well, I'm tired so peace out :)
at work we were doing 'creations'...and I just HAD to try them...
ugh, now I feel like a failure. I can't even get through ONE day.
So I went on the scale today...
104...that's almost 10 pounds in a month.
I'm more motivated than ever to get that number back down. IT WILL go down.
I'm not eating until it's 92. Well, not eating much. I can't wait until the first so I can start ABC :)
Well, I'm tired so peace out :)
Sunday, December 19, 2010
Christmas week
So after that thing with my dad, I had started eating just to make it less suspicious. Well, he stopped saying things for a while so I figured I was in the safe.... but then I realized I couldn't stop eating! I completely lost control, so this week I'm getting it back. I joined a diet that someone on PT made:
Mon 20/12: Only fruit and veg
Tue 21/12: Only liquids
Wed 22/12: 300cals or less
Thu 23/12: 500cals or less with work out
Fri 24/12: Fast
Sat 25 CHRISTMAS
But on the 24th,I'm doing my Christmas baking for the famjam, and I always sample so I don't give them crap...so I'm going to say hopefully 100-200, but no more. I really don't want to indulge on Christmas, but we'll see. I may have one of my sister in law's homemade treats, and veggies and stuff with dinner. Hopefully I don't get suckered into having anything else. I'm planning on starting ABC again on the first of january, just to bring in the new year with a bang :)
Oh yeah, I got into my second choice university program! (first choice university) with a scholarship valued at $3000 per year, renewable for 4 years (total $12000) and up to $4000 for doing my studies in french immersion! I never really looked at the difference between my first choice program and my second choice one, but when I was talking to someone who knew them, I realize now that I like this one better. My first choice was biomedical science, which is competitive and really tough work, and all in sciences involving chem. bio. etc. whereas my second choice, health sciences, involves those AND psychology, and is less competitive and has less of a work load. And I learned that to get into medical school, they really don't care what work load you have, it's based on your average. So if you have a 93 in health sciences, it's still better than a 90 in biomed. It will be tough for me though because it's in french and I'm not bilingual...but I'm determined to become bilingual and this is the best way to do it!
Well, I'm tired and Christmas movies are on tv, so peace out :)
Mon 20/12: Only fruit and veg
Tue 21/12: Only liquids
Wed 22/12: 300cals or less
Thu 23/12: 500cals or less with work out
Fri 24/12: Fast
Sat 25 CHRISTMAS
But on the 24th,I'm doing my Christmas baking for the famjam, and I always sample so I don't give them crap...so I'm going to say hopefully 100-200, but no more. I really don't want to indulge on Christmas, but we'll see. I may have one of my sister in law's homemade treats, and veggies and stuff with dinner. Hopefully I don't get suckered into having anything else. I'm planning on starting ABC again on the first of january, just to bring in the new year with a bang :)
Oh yeah, I got into my second choice university program! (first choice university) with a scholarship valued at $3000 per year, renewable for 4 years (total $12000) and up to $4000 for doing my studies in french immersion! I never really looked at the difference between my first choice program and my second choice one, but when I was talking to someone who knew them, I realize now that I like this one better. My first choice was biomedical science, which is competitive and really tough work, and all in sciences involving chem. bio. etc. whereas my second choice, health sciences, involves those AND psychology, and is less competitive and has less of a work load. And I learned that to get into medical school, they really don't care what work load you have, it's based on your average. So if you have a 93 in health sciences, it's still better than a 90 in biomed. It will be tough for me though because it's in french and I'm not bilingual...but I'm determined to become bilingual and this is the best way to do it!
Well, I'm tired and Christmas movies are on tv, so peace out :)
Thursday, December 16, 2010
Nothing can bring me down right now :)
So today was pretty yucky...freezing cold, my drama exam didn't go so great... I'm extremely tired and it's going to be an all-nighter... ugh
BUT
I just found out two things, that each on their own make everything more than okay...but that I have BOTH just blows my mind...
1) I found out an excerpt of my second cappies show is getting published, which means I'm 2 for 2 for cappies, and have had 3 published works within the past month! Go me! (Maybe I should reconsider my career plan and go into writing? My gr. 10 English teacher tells me that every day...)
2) I GOT ACCEPTED TO UNIVERSITY! It wasn't my first choice, but it's the first decision I've gotten so far. I think it was the 3rd or 4th on my list, but after looking at my list again, it's more like 2nd or 3rd because it's close to home and has good scholarships...which means it'll be cheaper. My first choice is also close to home and has the same scholarships, but it's also more competitive. Right now, I've got a conditional acceptance into Health Sciences at Carleton University. I won't know what the 'conditions' are until I get the official letter; I only found out by logging into this site they gave me after applying where I can track my application and it said I've been accepted. I'll probably get more information tomorrow. I'm guessing it just means I have to finish the rest of the year with a certain average since we're not even half done.
I'm just so happy...well, now to work on my homework :(
BUT
I just found out two things, that each on their own make everything more than okay...but that I have BOTH just blows my mind...
1) I found out an excerpt of my second cappies show is getting published, which means I'm 2 for 2 for cappies, and have had 3 published works within the past month! Go me! (Maybe I should reconsider my career plan and go into writing? My gr. 10 English teacher tells me that every day...)
2) I GOT ACCEPTED TO UNIVERSITY! It wasn't my first choice, but it's the first decision I've gotten so far. I think it was the 3rd or 4th on my list, but after looking at my list again, it's more like 2nd or 3rd because it's close to home and has good scholarships...which means it'll be cheaper. My first choice is also close to home and has the same scholarships, but it's also more competitive. Right now, I've got a conditional acceptance into Health Sciences at Carleton University. I won't know what the 'conditions' are until I get the official letter; I only found out by logging into this site they gave me after applying where I can track my application and it said I've been accepted. I'll probably get more information tomorrow. I'm guessing it just means I have to finish the rest of the year with a certain average since we're not even half done.
I'm just so happy...well, now to work on my homework :(
Monday, December 13, 2010
I think he knows...
I was in the grocery store with my dad, and I was having an extreme chocolate craving (I think that dreaded time of the month is approaching). WEll, I've been at my dad's for a couple of days to avoid the junk food at mom's and surprise surprise...dad has even more now. Today I had a bag of chips, chocolate covered raisins, a shortbread cookie, and a lindor chocolate in junk food alone (I was also forced to eat grapes and toast, and willingly ate a 90 cal bar earlier). Anyway, we were at the grocery store because he wanted to buy supper, but I knew I was going to be eating chocolate and wanted to skip supper to counteract the calories, so I tried to negotiate by having grapes. But he persisted, so I said "fine, grapes and an apple" and he retaliated by saying "No. You are too skinny. What, have you been starving yourself? You're wasting away to nothing. Yet all I see you eat is junk food. So, no... you have to have something." Well, I just thought he was saying that because he's not used to having a skinny daughter, but it was really embarassing because my best friend's sleezebag of a love interest who goes to our school was standing behind us and I was mortified. Anywhoo, I eventually negotiated eating toast with peanut butter and jam and grapes for supper...
So just now I got on the computer to come write about how much of a pig I am, and as I'm typing it in the link comes up in the bar thingy that suggests previously viewed websites, which means I dumbly forgot to erase it from the history last time I used it and someone else has seen it. I'm. screwed. What if the comment he made in the grocery store was because of something he read on this? And starting tomorrow, I'm restricting like crazy again. I'm going to gain back the control. He's definitely going to notice that, and I don't know what to do. I've never had to hide any of this before...we are exactly a tight-knit family, so it's not hard to avoid eating without people noticing.
My head hurts...that's what I get for eating so much god damn chocolate... :(
So just now I got on the computer to come write about how much of a pig I am, and as I'm typing it in the link comes up in the bar thingy that suggests previously viewed websites, which means I dumbly forgot to erase it from the history last time I used it and someone else has seen it. I'm. screwed. What if the comment he made in the grocery store was because of something he read on this? And starting tomorrow, I'm restricting like crazy again. I'm going to gain back the control. He's definitely going to notice that, and I don't know what to do. I've never had to hide any of this before...we are exactly a tight-knit family, so it's not hard to avoid eating without people noticing.
My head hurts...that's what I get for eating so much god damn chocolate... :(
Sunday, December 12, 2010
Mission: restart
My stupid wireless keyboard is running out of batteries, so if something is spelled funny...don't blame me!
So this past week or so I've been stressing over work, school, and university application overloads, and as a result I've been turning TO food, rather than AWAY from it as usual. I've also been eating a lot when I'm with my mom, dad, and/or nephew(s)...probably some attempt to remind myself of the 'good old times' and bring comfort or something. Today I've had 2 mini cinnamon buns (240), an oatmeal raisin and a ginger molasses cookes (~360), crackers and cheese (180), 3 slices of pizza (?), and countless chips while watching Christmas movies with dad.
So, I'm at my dad's, so I have TWO working scales :)...but I'm way too afraid to check them. I KNOW I've gained AT LEAST five pounds. I'm disgusting. I'm huge. I'm a cow. Mooooooooo...fuck you.
So, it's time to restart. I was going to join the CKD, but the girl who posted it on PT gave up on it :( Oh well, I guess this allows me to make my own diet plan now, based on the one she made.
Monday-Friday:
Brekkie: 1 yogurt and 1/4 cup cucumber slices
Total: 40
Lunch: 15 grapes
Total: approx. 45
Supper: 1 apple
Total: 40-70
Total planned calories: 125-155
I will also allow an extra 100 calories per day, to a limit of 250.
Weekends will be similar, of course, but due to a different schedule and different foods available throughout the day (i.e. work in mornings), it may be a little flipped. Saturdays for the Christmas season will allow an extra 400 calories, but this will end Jan. 1.
So I also wanted to make some goals to motivate myself:
CW: ~100
Goal by Dec. 25: 96 lbs (bmi 16.6)
Jan. 2: 93 (16.1)
Jan. 16: 89 (15.4)
Jan. 30: 85 (14.7)
UGW: 80 by Feb. 14 (13.8)
This definitely seems do-able, so we'll see how it goes.
So this past week or so I've been stressing over work, school, and university application overloads, and as a result I've been turning TO food, rather than AWAY from it as usual. I've also been eating a lot when I'm with my mom, dad, and/or nephew(s)...probably some attempt to remind myself of the 'good old times' and bring comfort or something. Today I've had 2 mini cinnamon buns (240), an oatmeal raisin and a ginger molasses cookes (~360), crackers and cheese (180), 3 slices of pizza (?), and countless chips while watching Christmas movies with dad.
So, I'm at my dad's, so I have TWO working scales :)...but I'm way too afraid to check them. I KNOW I've gained AT LEAST five pounds. I'm disgusting. I'm huge. I'm a cow. Mooooooooo...fuck you.
So, it's time to restart. I was going to join the CKD, but the girl who posted it on PT gave up on it :( Oh well, I guess this allows me to make my own diet plan now, based on the one she made.
Monday-Friday:
Brekkie: 1 yogurt and 1/4 cup cucumber slices
Total: 40
Lunch: 15 grapes
Total: approx. 45
Supper: 1 apple
Total: 40-70
Total planned calories: 125-155
I will also allow an extra 100 calories per day, to a limit of 250.
Weekends will be similar, of course, but due to a different schedule and different foods available throughout the day (i.e. work in mornings), it may be a little flipped. Saturdays for the Christmas season will allow an extra 400 calories, but this will end Jan. 1.
So I also wanted to make some goals to motivate myself:
CW: ~100
Goal by Dec. 25: 96 lbs (bmi 16.6)
Jan. 2: 93 (16.1)
Jan. 16: 89 (15.4)
Jan. 30: 85 (14.7)
UGW: 80 by Feb. 14 (13.8)
This definitely seems do-able, so we'll see how it goes.
Saturday, December 11, 2010
As promised...
new pics:
F**k I hate being sick :( I was going to start my fast today, but ended up eating a bunch of crackers (#%#^@$???) and a mini snack pack of low-cal brownies (100)
Looking at these pictures gives me some weird strength though. So...I guess we'll see...
my nephew is coming over. We're decorating the Christmas tree, then hopefully I'll be able to have a nap before I have to write my cappie's review. I wish I could afford to call in sick to work tomorrow :(
Note to world: If you live in the kanata area, DO NOT go to Mcdonald's for breakfast. Chances are, half the staff will be sick. They were all sick today and it's all the same crew. So, just a warning ;)
Well, legally blond is on, so peace out
Friday, December 10, 2010
recovery in the cards?
So I was sitting in math class, hating myself over having to leave two blank questions on the quiz because I haven't been focusing in class (too much thinking about calories consumed, calories to be consumed, and building the courage to say 'no' to the cookie jar when I get home...and not to mention late nights on PT and this (it's 1 am now...) And I thought: "Isn't the point of this all to strive for perfection? Well, my personal image of perfection is healthy, glowing, happy and being successful in school, all of which I am not achieving with the ED"
I mean, yeah, recovery sounds pretty fricking awesome...who wouldn't love to be able to eat out with friends without having to run to the bathroom to purge, or eat a family meal without fasting for five days afterward to make up for it?
But I just can't bring myself to it. I've got some kind of attachment to my ED now; it's a part of me, it IS me. It makes me feel secure and powerful.
And no matter what, I just can't bring myself over 100. I almost reached it today and freaked out.
So, I don't know, until I get the strength and courage to seek help....
I'll be here...
Just thought I'd let y'all know...
Oh yeah, and I'm going on a fast. I'd love to say I'm starting tomorrow, but I'm going out to dinner followed by a play with my cappies gang...and I'll be with one of them all day because of drama rehearsals so she'll notice I'm not eating. I may do the five bite thing tomorrow...or five 'nibbles'? hmm...possibilities... Anywhoo, I'll stay around 300 hopefully, then saturday I'll start my official fast. I'm going to try and make it last five days- liquids only. I'll allow low-cal soup once a day, but that's the only calorie intake. So, Wed at midnight I'll be done. That should allow me to do my Christmas baking for school and be able to sample so I'm not sending out disgusting treats.
Well, my eyes are drooping. Goodnight, lovelies.
I mean, yeah, recovery sounds pretty fricking awesome...who wouldn't love to be able to eat out with friends without having to run to the bathroom to purge, or eat a family meal without fasting for five days afterward to make up for it?
But I just can't bring myself to it. I've got some kind of attachment to my ED now; it's a part of me, it IS me. It makes me feel secure and powerful.
And no matter what, I just can't bring myself over 100. I almost reached it today and freaked out.
So, I don't know, until I get the strength and courage to seek help....
I'll be here...
Just thought I'd let y'all know...
Oh yeah, and I'm going on a fast. I'd love to say I'm starting tomorrow, but I'm going out to dinner followed by a play with my cappies gang...and I'll be with one of them all day because of drama rehearsals so she'll notice I'm not eating. I may do the five bite thing tomorrow...or five 'nibbles'? hmm...possibilities... Anywhoo, I'll stay around 300 hopefully, then saturday I'll start my official fast. I'm going to try and make it last five days- liquids only. I'll allow low-cal soup once a day, but that's the only calorie intake. So, Wed at midnight I'll be done. That should allow me to do my Christmas baking for school and be able to sample so I'm not sending out disgusting treats.
Well, my eyes are drooping. Goodnight, lovelies.
Wednesday, December 8, 2010
the yo-yo effect
So this past week I've been really yo-yoing with my weight. down 4 one day up 7 the next :/ So I'm too scared to check the scale now. I fasted yesterday, but got sick during drama rehearsals today and ate two timbits that someone brought in (140). Then, because I had eaten junk food first thing and whenever that happens the whole day goes screwy.... I had 3 cookies and a chocolate milk at lunch, a bag of chips during spare, and then I got pop, chips, and donuts for the group for our after school rehearsal, so I had a donut, a bit of pop, and a couple handfuls of chips. Also, tonight was Ottawa University Information night at the university, so both my parents came with me...which was weird because I don't think we've been out together for years...at least not since the divorce. So, because I was caught up in having a long-lost family moment...I ate supper with them. I had a veggie sandwich on a whole wheat roll, three baby carrots, a yogurt cup, a few pieces of fruit and jello, and my dad also shoved 4 squares of chocolate and a few m&ms down my throat. When I got home I had crackers and cheese and a candy cane... ugh no wonder I was up today :// <
So anyway, I got a lot of info on university tonight, and I found out I may be able to get acceptance between mid-december and march... fingers crossed for december though. That would be a load off my back. My admission average is 94.67, so that should be good enough to get into the first or second round admissions (rather than 3rd round which isn't until May). My scholarship admission is also 94.67....which is seriously less than .4% away from an extra $4000!!! I'm so frustrated right now! And I know it won't be higher until next semester because of stupid writer's craft, so I'm going to work my ass off until next June, because they'll offer the extra $4000 if I'm able to get it up. So I just finished narrowing my program choices. Right now I'm applying to 6 at 4 different universities (@ $40 per program to apply= $240 total...eek!) I'm going to build the courage to press submit on Saturday...it'll also give me time to get together the rest of the info and get my mom to approve the courses (since she's paying with her credit card for the applications, she said she wants to see them first). My friend already got an acceptance letter, and he sumbitted his on november 23 (I know, because I was sitting beside him when he did it). I hope mine goes through like that. My average is better than his, but the university that he got accepted to doesn't have very high standards. Maybe I should just apply there? haha...nope...
So tomorrow... let's say... 250?
I found out that I get to eat 765 calories a day to lose 2 lbs per week. However...that number scares me. So 250 tomorrow since friday won't be pleasant. I have drama rehearsals after school, followed by supper out with the cappies team, and then we're seeing willy wonka at a high school, where they fill us up with sweets so we'll give them good reviews...so I know that won't go very well.
So, tomorrow- 250:
brekkie? - umm...jello? (5)
lunch- pringles wheat stix (90)
after school- toast, no butter (70-80ish)
work- apples (40)
total: 215
yeah, that sounds nice :) plenty of food to keep me going, too
So anyway, I got a lot of info on university tonight, and I found out I may be able to get acceptance between mid-december and march... fingers crossed for december though. That would be a load off my back. My admission average is 94.67, so that should be good enough to get into the first or second round admissions (rather than 3rd round which isn't until May). My scholarship admission is also 94.67....which is seriously less than .4% away from an extra $4000!!! I'm so frustrated right now! And I know it won't be higher until next semester because of stupid writer's craft, so I'm going to work my ass off until next June, because they'll offer the extra $4000 if I'm able to get it up. So I just finished narrowing my program choices. Right now I'm applying to 6 at 4 different universities (@ $40 per program to apply= $240 total...eek!) I'm going to build the courage to press submit on Saturday...it'll also give me time to get together the rest of the info and get my mom to approve the courses (since she's paying with her credit card for the applications, she said she wants to see them first). My friend already got an acceptance letter, and he sumbitted his on november 23 (I know, because I was sitting beside him when he did it). I hope mine goes through like that. My average is better than his, but the university that he got accepted to doesn't have very high standards. Maybe I should just apply there? haha...nope...
So tomorrow... let's say... 250?
I found out that I get to eat 765 calories a day to lose 2 lbs per week. However...that number scares me. So 250 tomorrow since friday won't be pleasant. I have drama rehearsals after school, followed by supper out with the cappies team, and then we're seeing willy wonka at a high school, where they fill us up with sweets so we'll give them good reviews...so I know that won't go very well.
So, tomorrow- 250:
brekkie? - umm...jello? (5)
lunch- pringles wheat stix (90)
after school- toast, no butter (70-80ish)
work- apples (40)
total: 215
yeah, that sounds nice :) plenty of food to keep me going, too
Tuesday, December 7, 2010
Yup. Winter's here.
You know how I know?
Because every year, right after the first snowfall, the teacher's think "oh, they won't be going outside anytime soon, so let's give them tonnes and tonnes of exciting homework to do instead!" And then I get super stressed out, have no time to even think about sleeping or eating...or even showering (yuck!), and with a combination of bad weather, lack of sleep, low energy, high blood pressure and heartrate as a result of stress, no food, and bad hygiene...I crash and burn and get horribly sick.
Yes, I'm sick. No, I can't take a sick day tomorrow :( Why? Because my drama teacher (AKA Satan) has scheduled our exam presentation for next wednesday. Since it's a group mark, I can't miss a rehearsal or else the whole group goes into panic mode and goes ballistic on me the next day... So yeah, that ain't happenin'....
Also, math is crazy right now. I'm already behind...and writer's craft is just...yeah, not even going to mention writer's craft.
My throat is so sore :( It's worse than usual...it came on suddenly while I was working today and now it hurts when I'm not even talking or anything. I'm also sore EVERYWHERE! All my muscles are in pain right now. I don't want to move even a centimetre.
On the bright side...I got my nails done on Saturday, so I have ONE thing that makes me feel better. I love hearing the click clack of the porcelain on the keyboard (:... even if it hurts my arms just to be typing. I had my work Christmas party yesterday... and I looked fucking hot ;) I had killer $130 heels, which, by the way, I surprised myself and walked like a pro the moment I put them on. I also had a gorgeous dark blue dress... maybe I'll post a pic. I did my makeup and hair all nice and I wore my contacts, so my work chums got a pleasant surprise I arrived stylishly 50 minutes late haha... I got so many compliments. My work uniform is like a size 12, and I'm pretty sure they gave me man pants (why do I think this? Because I could probably fit a minivan into the pockets...) so they all thought I was obese or something. maybe I'll post a picture? we'll see
So yeah, almost 1 am so I'll make this quick. I still have to check out PT as well.
So last week was my crazy restriction week, and I lost four pounds in four days :) BUT then my mom did one of her random "let's step on the scale together" i.e. "get on the fucking scale so I can see how anorexic you are" and flipped when she saw it was 94...so I've had forced calories for three days and I'm back up. At least now she's off my back because I said it was just because of the stress, and now I'm sick so I have an excuse not to eat. I'm doing a 60 hour fast... I started 40 minutes ago and I'm not eating until at least thursday at noon. Suck on that, mom. I feel like I've binged, but looking back, I know I haven't. Binge-free December is still a go!
Oh yeah, while I was shopping for a bra to go with my dress (open back....ugh!), I got fitted and found out I've been wearing the major wrong size for the past like, 3 years or so. I THOUGHT I was a 34 B or C, but then I found out my band size is 30 and, get this: my cup size is D- DD...!!??!? WHHATT!?? NOBODY carries 30D or 30DD...wtf am I supposed to do? That pisses me off. Maybe if I lose more I'll have normal sized boobs? God...no wonder I still weigh so much...it's all in my boobs!
Well, good night ladies. Hope your lives are going better than mine right now. :)
Because every year, right after the first snowfall, the teacher's think "oh, they won't be going outside anytime soon, so let's give them tonnes and tonnes of exciting homework to do instead!" And then I get super stressed out, have no time to even think about sleeping or eating...or even showering (yuck!), and with a combination of bad weather, lack of sleep, low energy, high blood pressure and heartrate as a result of stress, no food, and bad hygiene...I crash and burn and get horribly sick.
Yes, I'm sick. No, I can't take a sick day tomorrow :( Why? Because my drama teacher (AKA Satan) has scheduled our exam presentation for next wednesday. Since it's a group mark, I can't miss a rehearsal or else the whole group goes into panic mode and goes ballistic on me the next day... So yeah, that ain't happenin'....
Also, math is crazy right now. I'm already behind...and writer's craft is just...yeah, not even going to mention writer's craft.
My throat is so sore :( It's worse than usual...it came on suddenly while I was working today and now it hurts when I'm not even talking or anything. I'm also sore EVERYWHERE! All my muscles are in pain right now. I don't want to move even a centimetre.
On the bright side...I got my nails done on Saturday, so I have ONE thing that makes me feel better. I love hearing the click clack of the porcelain on the keyboard (:... even if it hurts my arms just to be typing. I had my work Christmas party yesterday... and I looked fucking hot ;) I had killer $130 heels, which, by the way, I surprised myself and walked like a pro the moment I put them on. I also had a gorgeous dark blue dress... maybe I'll post a pic. I did my makeup and hair all nice and I wore my contacts, so my work chums got a pleasant surprise I arrived stylishly 50 minutes late haha... I got so many compliments. My work uniform is like a size 12, and I'm pretty sure they gave me man pants (why do I think this? Because I could probably fit a minivan into the pockets...) so they all thought I was obese or something. maybe I'll post a picture? we'll see
So yeah, almost 1 am so I'll make this quick. I still have to check out PT as well.
So last week was my crazy restriction week, and I lost four pounds in four days :) BUT then my mom did one of her random "let's step on the scale together" i.e. "get on the fucking scale so I can see how anorexic you are" and flipped when she saw it was 94...so I've had forced calories for three days and I'm back up. At least now she's off my back because I said it was just because of the stress, and now I'm sick so I have an excuse not to eat. I'm doing a 60 hour fast... I started 40 minutes ago and I'm not eating until at least thursday at noon. Suck on that, mom. I feel like I've binged, but looking back, I know I haven't. Binge-free December is still a go!
Oh yeah, while I was shopping for a bra to go with my dress (open back....ugh!), I got fitted and found out I've been wearing the major wrong size for the past like, 3 years or so. I THOUGHT I was a 34 B or C, but then I found out my band size is 30 and, get this: my cup size is D- DD...!!??!? WHHATT!?? NOBODY carries 30D or 30DD...wtf am I supposed to do? That pisses me off. Maybe if I lose more I'll have normal sized boobs? God...no wonder I still weigh so much...it's all in my boobs!
Well, good night ladies. Hope your lives are going better than mine right now. :)
Saturday, December 4, 2010
braces are auffff!
yay! It feels like a piece of my childhood has been ripped from my mouth though... I had them for seven years! Oh well, it feels so nice to be able to floss without effort again xD
So I stayed up until 5 am writing... then I accidentally slept in and called my dad to tell the school I have a doctor's appointment... hahaha...suckers.
So today wasn't bad. If I can trust my memory, I had a piece of toast (90ish), 1/2 a donut in drama class (130ish), pringles wheat stix (90) apple slices with chocolate sauce (80?), brownie bites (100) and smartpop popcorn(70). Total: not where I wanted it at 560. Can you notice the increase in chocolatey items? Yeah, I can feel that my period's on it's way. I hope it can wait another two days before showing up, though, because my work's formal christmas party on sunday and I don't want to worry about it there. I was reallly craving chocolate and salty foods all day... Yay me.
I was also very weak and tired. I don't know if it's the lack of food or the lack of sleep. Even my left hand is almost too tired to be typing. I'm going to bed soon, but I wanted to update first.
So, I stepped on the scale today.... four days after I made my goal, and I'm glad that I made it the whole four days... I lost four pounds! Incredible, I think I'll wait another two days before checking again. It seems I get more encouraged this way, but I was so anxious all week and I didn't like that feeling.
Anyway, tomorrow's Saturday. I don't want to gain any weight, especially since I'm one pound away from my goal weight! However, mom, jenna, and I are going for manicures and breakfast, so I know I'll be eating at least 400 at breakfast. Then, I promised myself the veggie burger (300ish) I've been craving all week. Then I'm babysitting my newphews, and their mom is leaving KD out. Do you know how many calories are in that stuff? More than I want. I may just have a few bites and let the boys eat the rest. Hopefully, I won't get a setback tomorrow.
Well, I'm tired, so goodnight world :)
So I stayed up until 5 am writing... then I accidentally slept in and called my dad to tell the school I have a doctor's appointment... hahaha...suckers.
So today wasn't bad. If I can trust my memory, I had a piece of toast (90ish), 1/2 a donut in drama class (130ish), pringles wheat stix (90) apple slices with chocolate sauce (80?), brownie bites (100) and smartpop popcorn(70). Total: not where I wanted it at 560. Can you notice the increase in chocolatey items? Yeah, I can feel that my period's on it's way. I hope it can wait another two days before showing up, though, because my work's formal christmas party on sunday and I don't want to worry about it there. I was reallly craving chocolate and salty foods all day... Yay me.
I was also very weak and tired. I don't know if it's the lack of food or the lack of sleep. Even my left hand is almost too tired to be typing. I'm going to bed soon, but I wanted to update first.
So, I stepped on the scale today.... four days after I made my goal, and I'm glad that I made it the whole four days... I lost four pounds! Incredible, I think I'll wait another two days before checking again. It seems I get more encouraged this way, but I was so anxious all week and I didn't like that feeling.
Anyway, tomorrow's Saturday. I don't want to gain any weight, especially since I'm one pound away from my goal weight! However, mom, jenna, and I are going for manicures and breakfast, so I know I'll be eating at least 400 at breakfast. Then, I promised myself the veggie burger (300ish) I've been craving all week. Then I'm babysitting my newphews, and their mom is leaving KD out. Do you know how many calories are in that stuff? More than I want. I may just have a few bites and let the boys eat the rest. Hopefully, I won't get a setback tomorrow.
Well, I'm tired, so goodnight world :)
Thursday, December 2, 2010
Playwriting sucks balls :(
Gahh...oh procrastination :( I fricking hate writing plays now...we do it way too often in drama class and being the control freak of the group I always say I'll write it all. Well, now I have to write one for writer's craft... it's due tomorrow, not even started it. :( It's going to take me forever to do! Gahh I'm starting to hate this course.
So today was not so great. Still no bingeing, thank God :) But I had a cookie and a piece of cake that I hadn't planned on eating. I MUST be close to my period, because I've been craving chocolate like crazy.
So for brekkie I had 1/2 a granola bar and lunch the other half (90- I'm starting to like this routine :) )
supper- piece of toast with a bit of butter (90ish)
snack- another piece of toast (90ish)
Total: 270
BUT THEN I had to go and have a cookie when I was out with my sister. She paid me $10 to take her to the bank and drive to timmys and she insisted on buying me something. I thought maybe the cookie had the least calories? Yeah right... 250!! A bagel has only 10 more calories and is so much more filling! Well then, after I had the taste of chocolate, I only wanted more. Tonight was arts night at my school, so our drama class was performing. After that, we all met up and there were two big cakes- and one of them was chocolate... so I had a piece. Worst part is..it was grocery store made so I can't get a good calorie estimation. Basically, it was approx. 3x4 inches of chocolateyness with thick crappy store brand icing...wasn't even worth the calories. I'm guessing about 250? 300? I was going to throw it out after the first bite, but I didn't want to offend the person who brought it. I wish I could say that it was shoved into my mouth, but I can't. I ate it voluntarily, which makes me feel that much worse about it. :(
new total: 770 faaaaaack :(
And now I'm hungry, and want food...but have absolutely no more calories to spend on food today :(
So today was not so great. Still no bingeing, thank God :) But I had a cookie and a piece of cake that I hadn't planned on eating. I MUST be close to my period, because I've been craving chocolate like crazy.
So for brekkie I had 1/2 a granola bar and lunch the other half (90- I'm starting to like this routine :) )
supper- piece of toast with a bit of butter (90ish)
snack- another piece of toast (90ish)
Total: 270
BUT THEN I had to go and have a cookie when I was out with my sister. She paid me $10 to take her to the bank and drive to timmys and she insisted on buying me something. I thought maybe the cookie had the least calories? Yeah right... 250!! A bagel has only 10 more calories and is so much more filling! Well then, after I had the taste of chocolate, I only wanted more. Tonight was arts night at my school, so our drama class was performing. After that, we all met up and there were two big cakes- and one of them was chocolate... so I had a piece. Worst part is..it was grocery store made so I can't get a good calorie estimation. Basically, it was approx. 3x4 inches of chocolateyness with thick crappy store brand icing...wasn't even worth the calories. I'm guessing about 250? 300? I was going to throw it out after the first bite, but I didn't want to offend the person who brought it. I wish I could say that it was shoved into my mouth, but I can't. I ate it voluntarily, which makes me feel that much worse about it. :(
new total: 770 faaaaaack :(
And now I'm hungry, and want food...but have absolutely no more calories to spend on food today :(
Wednesday, December 1, 2010
What a week!
Wow, it's been really stressful these past few weeks! I have a million things going on at school and at work right now, and I can't even find the time to organize it all in my head!:/
So I'm going to attempt to here right now. Let's see....
- write play for writer's craft (due fri)
- Arts night- tomorrow
- work tonight 4-9 fri 5-11
- drama exam: ongoing until dec 15
- math quiz- today test- friday
- braces off friday!
- find out about car insurance, drivers ed certificate, and tickets to legally blonde
- figure out what programs to apply to for uni// some scholarship application deadlines are coming up
- math homework...which I'm really behind on
- work party sunday evening
- manicures with sister sat morning
- babysitting sat afternoon
- find time to SLEEP! I've had four hour nights for the past two weeks, and I can seriously sympathize with the "living dead" right now :/
- must find time to buy proper undergarments for work party dress, and shoes...and a haircut
...sorry my thought process was disturbed by a class that just walked into the library, and I thought I was about to be kicked out. Thank god though, I'm still here :)
but yeah, that's a lot of stuff and the list is likely going to get longer. That, and I spend way too much time on PT and writing meal plans and thinking about food. Well, that's life with an ED for you.
On the bright side... I'm done with driver's ed forever! Aaaand...my mom said she's pay for half the bill for the mirror of the car I hit, and my dad said he'd do the other half... However, that's all I'm getting for Christmas... a mirror for another person's car:( stupid people.
Okay, I think I can get through this week without crashing. Let's hope.
I foolishly made a challenge not to weigh myself until Friday. :/ This started two days ago, and right now I'm really hating this. I really want to stick it through though, because I know I'll be really upset with myself if I don't. But I'm really nervous about my weight. I don't know what I'll do if the numbers go up =S
Today I had 1/2 a granola bar for breakfast and the other half for lunch (90 total). I'll have a salad when I get to work and apple slices later on, for a daily total of 180. I may have butterless toast when I get home (70 or 80?), but we'll see.
So I'm going to attempt to here right now. Let's see....
- write play for writer's craft (due fri)
- Arts night- tomorrow
- work tonight 4-9 fri 5-11
- drama exam: ongoing until dec 15
- math quiz- today test- friday
- braces off friday!
- find out about car insurance, drivers ed certificate, and tickets to legally blonde
- figure out what programs to apply to for uni// some scholarship application deadlines are coming up
- math homework...which I'm really behind on
- work party sunday evening
- manicures with sister sat morning
- babysitting sat afternoon
- find time to SLEEP! I've had four hour nights for the past two weeks, and I can seriously sympathize with the "living dead" right now :/
- must find time to buy proper undergarments for work party dress, and shoes...and a haircut
...sorry my thought process was disturbed by a class that just walked into the library, and I thought I was about to be kicked out. Thank god though, I'm still here :)
but yeah, that's a lot of stuff and the list is likely going to get longer. That, and I spend way too much time on PT and writing meal plans and thinking about food. Well, that's life with an ED for you.
On the bright side... I'm done with driver's ed forever! Aaaand...my mom said she's pay for half the bill for the mirror of the car I hit, and my dad said he'd do the other half... However, that's all I'm getting for Christmas... a mirror for another person's car:( stupid people.
Okay, I think I can get through this week without crashing. Let's hope.
I foolishly made a challenge not to weigh myself until Friday. :/ This started two days ago, and right now I'm really hating this. I really want to stick it through though, because I know I'll be really upset with myself if I don't. But I'm really nervous about my weight. I don't know what I'll do if the numbers go up =S
Today I had 1/2 a granola bar for breakfast and the other half for lunch (90 total). I'll have a salad when I get to work and apple slices later on, for a daily total of 180. I may have butterless toast when I get home (70 or 80?), but we'll see.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)