Benoit Boulet.

I hope you're happy. I'm not a part of his life anymore because I'm not LIVING anymore.
Have a conscience yet? probably not.. you're a lifeless, careless piece of worthless shit.
I hope you choke and die.
Sincerely,
A dead girl.

Ultimatum: mine or his?

Zach and I broke up...then got back together and broke up again..
So now I'm left here..alone..don't really know where to go from here.
I kind of gave him an ultimatum..by midnight if he doesn't take me back, then I'm gone forever...
But I feel like that's more of an ultimatum for me..
I feel like if he takes me back, I'll be happy (or at least try) and I'll finally feel like I deserve the life I've always wanted...
But if not..well, it's back into this hole.
I guess my ultimatum is: Zach, a guy who loves me and just wants me to be happy..even if it means he isn't happy. Or depression and PT: a loveless pit where nobody cares and you are your own target. A deep hole that once you're in, it's nearly impossible to get out. I'm scared for that. I don't want that. And I hate that it took losing the only person I've ever cared about to realize that.
I pray to God I deserve to be happy. I pray to God I deserve Zach.
Please God..

My first PT post in almost a year...

So I posted a reply to a post about someone not wanting to recover, and not wishing for people to say "Get help..you'll feel better eventually". This is an excerpt of my reply, which I just wanted to post here because I got a lot out I've never been able to voice before. The main thing is the argument of 'You're selfish because you want to commit suicide', as well as how scary it actually is to live with depression and an ED. Well, here it is...

* * *

In the past four months I've had three suicide attempts and spent a week in a psych facility.. I don't eat because I simply just want to hurt myself that way. I don't want to be skinny or whatever... I just don't want to be here. I don't understand why other people can be so selfish as to say I'm selfish for not wanting to live every single day of the rest of my life in absolute misery. I have no control over my emotions. One simple thing sends me off the walls.. People don't understand how terrifying that is..that even when you're happy, you're scared because any moment your mind can bring you into a deep, dark hole and crush any positive emotions you may have previously possessed... And I'm the selfish one? They just want me here so they don't have to hurt for a week or whatever. They'll get over it.. I won't ever get over staying here.

--

One cut, two cuts, three cuts, four
the blood dripping down, I want more and more
Trace the scars, threaten the veins
Fuck it, I don't want this life anymore.

Starting new

I've been triggered.
Recovery was all right.. just wasn't for me.
I'm back bitches.
miss me?

because who gives two fucks...

update: the night of the last post I ingested over 9 g of acetominophen. The next day, my boyfriend took me to emerg where unfortunately they gave me this 'antidote' before any liver damage occurred. Spent like 3 or 4 days in the psychiatric inpatient unit. That place is a joke. They pretend they care if you actually get better and you pretend they actually helped you. You tell them what you want to hear and get out fast and revert to the same old moods and self-destruction.
current mood: who gives a f%&#

and right now, I don't give a fuck about me, my life, or anything else in it. I want to be done..
Unfortunately I've just said some rather nasty words to my 'caring' boyfriend and don't want to slip into paradise leaving him with that.
It would be nice if for once, the universe would let me just be happy.. and to stay happy if it would so inclined.
boys are asses. Fuck them (not literally..)
peac- aww who fucking gives a shit

DONE (again..)

Meds don't work.
Happiness is unachievable
Nobody cares.
Everyone fakes.
Life lesson: You're alone. Either You Make it or You Don't.
Well, ...
You Don't.

twas good everyone. <3
I love you Zach,

"You see her sitting there and you think 'she's so sad'
but it's not that she's sad, she's simply given up on pretending to be happy,
she's tired of getting up every morning and putting on her fake smile,
telling herself 'today will be better'.
She doesn't want to be an inconvenience or a bother anymore...she has stopped looking for the light switch in the dark room she calls her life."

This was a post I found on the tumblr of a 15 year old gay teen at my old high school. He was suffering from depression and bullying for a long time. He hid it well for a while; he loved to sing, and everyone loved to watch him perform. If you saw him in the halls, no matter how stressed about school or life you were, a smile would instantly escape the shadows and make a home on your face. He was popular and loved and so, so talented. Earlier this year, his facade died and he came out with his depression, posting in his tumblr and few suicidal statuses on facebook. Around this time, he also started to accept himself as who he was: i.e. gay. Thus commenced the attacks (which I assume still started before he outted himself, as he was a flambuoyant boy, but he became significantly more open about his sexuality after his outting, prompting bullies to seek their prey).
Last Friday night, October 14, 2011, he was simply pushed beyond the breaking point and had nowhere else to turn. He overdosed and died later that night.
Watching this boy, who was much younger than I am, publicly struggle with the hidden demons I face and end his life in such a way has triggered me beyond belief.
Admittedly, I've been doing better recently. I got put on cipralex in August before school started. dealt with some nasty side effects for a while, but then the moods started to get a bit better (note: not completely). I still have about 2 really bad nights a week, but overall the depression is lifting. However, the pills have only helped my depression, and the anxiety I had before is coming to the surface, which makes the bad nights that much worse. I've been cutting again and a few weeks ago I got taken to the hospital by my boyfriend and his dad after I overdosed on tylenol, codeine, and advil. This caused a chain of event within my family, after my mother found out (Zach's dad made him tell her)..and now my oldest brother. All of them are trying to 'cure' me, but it's just making it worse. This was supposed to be my little secret. Only I was supposed to suffer through this, and now the entire world knows my deepest, darkest thoughts.
So, reading his tumblr, I realize how similar our thoughts and tendencies were. To be honest, it's kind of triggering me more, but reading his posts are so addicting. Kind of like the black hole that sucked me in when I found PT, where every thought was possessed by my ED. I can't stop reading, and finding similar tumblr accounts, and I know it's going to hurt me in the long run. My suicidal thoughts have not subsided and I'm worried..nay, not worried, because in order to worry I'd actually have to care whether I was dead or alive, but for lack of a better word let's go with worried.. that another attempt may be creeping up on me. The only things keeping me here, in my private hell, are my pets (lol..), family, and most of all, Zach. He makes me start to believe that things may actually get better, and part of me wants to wait it out and see if it comes true. A larger part of me doesn't care. It can only see me continuing this way into a gray future filled with lost hopes, broken dreams, and fake smiles. I'm so tired these days, which may be caused by my depression or the pills. I can't go three hours after waking up without feeling so drained that I need to sleep again. I just want to sleep forever.
This was originally supposed to be a post about the boy, whose name I won't say because I know people will be googling it and I don't want my friends to find my blog, but has turned into some sort of stress-relieving journal entry for me.. Idk, my attention span has been dying, too.
I forget what else I was going to write, so I guess I finish here.
I'm gonna go study some psychology. Peace out.

Doctor.

I started cutting my stomach so that it was less visible to the rest of the world..i.e. my mom, and friends and such. Zach had been pushing for me to stop and to see someone, but I insisted that I could stop on my own. I went maybe a week or two without cutting but one night I was texting Zach while I was having a huge episode of..whatever. some weird depressed mood.. anyway, I admitted to him that I had cut my stomach and it really hurt and wouldn't stop bleeding, but that I couldn't stop cutting, and he came over and told me to stop. Well, we talked for a long time about it and it ended in him telling me that I had to go see a doctor or else he wouldn't be able to stay with me longer because it hurts him to see me do this to myself. So, I thought about it and agreed to go and get a referral to a psychiatrist. This was Friday I believe. Today is Wednesday, still haven't called. He's told me every day to make the call but I keep saying they're closed or whatever, but the truth is I'm scared and he knows it. I don't even know if I want help, in some twisted way. I don't know who I am without this part of me.
So yeah, I know he'll get through to me soon. And a visit to the doc is in the near future for me. But I know they can't help me unless I want help, which I certainly don't.. so I'm really scared they'll hospitalize me/ put me on suicide watch. Which is don't want to do. I know it sounds dumb and childish, but no. No doctors for me.
Anywho, it's been a long time since I said this, but peace out. <3

He's giving me nothing.

So I started cutting...again..
I got in this phase sometime last week, and it's really bad..
told Zach it was bunny scratches, but a few days later felt so guilty about lying I told him what they were, told him more about the depression and stuff...told him about the ED..he doesn't understand any of it, thinks I'm just stupid, probably a drama queen, etc..but at least he's caring for me and trying to help. I guess that's good enough? I just wish he'd TRY to understand. I mean, if I'm trying to get better for HIM maybe he could try to understand what I'm going through? He thinks I can just stop cutting, just not have an ED...I try telling him it's not easy at all, but he thinks I'm just stupid.
Yesterday, we spent the day together. Amazing day, but I got in the dark mood before leaving and he knew it..so when I got home I was especially moody and stuff when my sister decided to have one of her crazy random bitch fits and we ended up fighting, ending with her kicking the shit out of me and me threatening to kill myself if she didn't stop (thought she'd care but nope..)so anyway, she saw the scratched and called me an attention whore so I left..called Zach and met up with him, told him everything, I was such a wreck it's humiliating..
anyways, he convinced his parents to let me spend the night at his place..it was a good night. I slept on an air mattress in his guest bedroom and he snuck in and layed with me and we just talked until we fell asleep. I felt so much closer to him, thought he actually started caring.
But then tonight, after all that happened, you'd think he'd ask me how I am?
Nope. It's 10:16, over 2 hours from when I usually start going 'crazy', in my dad's house where he knows I never feel safe or whatever, and all I've heard from him is that he's tired after working all day and just relaxing at home. No "how are yous..are you okay?" or asking if I've cut or anything (which I told him I told my mom I wouldn't do, but never really admitted that I intended on keeping that..I cut my stomach today to hide it..)
So, you know what? I'm fucking done. I had a horrible night, possibly one of the worst this cycle... and my boyfriend couldn't really give a shit. well that's just great. I really do have nobody now, do I?
He was the only thing keeping me from killing myself. Now that I know he doesn't really care, well...

Updates..

more for my sake than anyone else's..
umm.. June 13th 2011: made things official with Zach.
July 6 or 7 (?) i think the 7..yeah the 7th.. lost my v-card to Zach..
sunday this week: in another depressed phase.
right now (friday night): sitting on the floor having an anxiety attack, crying and pulling at my hair in frustration and a mix of emotions...trying not to cut but holding the knife..I've made a few scratches but no cuts so far. It's a dull knife so it would take extra effort that I don't really have anyway..
nobody seems to care. I'm texting Zach, told him the other day about this. Thought maybe he'd be a little concerned when I said I was having an anxiety attack..but nope.Doesn't give two shits..he's going out with his friends, or is already out. One of the two. Don't really care much right now.
He deserves better than this anyway. I'm a fucking nutcase. Only a mad woman would laugh while crying her eyes out making tiny scrapes in her flesh with a knife, thinking how great it would be for all of this to just be over.
I don't deserve any form of happiness anyway.. maybe it's better to just let him off easy..I really think I should let him go.
I'm kind of scared though, he's kind of helped me get better so far, I haven't had a depressed phase or whatever in a while, and I think I've only had like two since we started seeing each other (March). I know if I let him go, it's going to make me worse. I'll probably relapse. Possible suicide attempt in the near future..fuck. Why the fuck did this have to happen to me? What did I do to the world?
UGH

I'm a tree-hugging vegetarian who busts her ass to get straight A's, volunteers at CHEO, and spends her lunch hours collecting donations for sick kids

I'm sorry I can't be good enough. Maybe I'll try harder in my next life.
_______
Zach and I 'broke up' tonight...I say it like that because we were never really together..well, we were, just without the label.
I think he took it harder than I did. I told him I couldn't do what we're doing anymore while he still has feelings for someone else. He begged for almost two hours for me to stay. But I can't; it hurts more to do this to myself than it does to just end things. So I ended it.
But now I've lost what seems to have become my best friend.
He's distracted me during my low points, stopped me from doing stupid things, cared for me when everyone else turned their backs. Although I've never, and probably will never, tell him about any of this, my depression, ED, etc.. he still helped me. He actually saved me life.
On two separate occasions he's distracted me when I was sure I was going to kill myself. There was the pill incident sometime last week, then again last night. He knew something was wrong, and knows that I have my 'off' days and such. He knows about my family and how they make me feel about myself...ie. the pressure, expectations, all the fighting. He knows so much about me and it makes me scared.
What I'm scared most about is that I now have nobody. This is probably the worst time for me, one of the darkest moods I've ever been in. I've never been so close to killing myself as I have been in the past week. I'm scared that sometime within the next few days I'll hit another low point, but won't have him to help me through it. I've started to depend on him to much, and that's scary.
So I guess, here's to dreaming he'll get over her and come running back to me.. before I do anything stupid. Probably won't happen though; I'm not that special.
A girl can dream though, right?

It's been a while...

and I'm sure nobody reads this, but it makes me feel a bit better to get this out. This is the only place I can go to let out thoughts, kind of like someone to talk to...
I'm in a dark place right now.
I'll just start off with a little summary of what's happened recently:
- smoked pot. twice. almost smoked hash. Zach stopped me.
- got extremely drunk last weekend.
- kinda just want to do them both right now. just to forget everything
-Zach and I ended. then got back together..kinda. Well right now we're more... "friends with benefits". and it kills me. I hate that I always doubt whether he has real feelings for me or not, but I just always want to be with him...it's frustrating. I have no respect for myself anymore..not that I really did before
umm..I suppose that's about it.
Tonight I just got really bad again... I'm so behind in school and my scholarship could be in jeaopordy.
Nothing even seems worth it though..
Here's something funny: I almost just overdosed on tylenol. I've been sick for days so I already have a lot in me, and I just looked up the dose that would do my body some serious damage and everything... I was making my way downstairs to pop the pills...but you know what stopped me?
My fucking fear of the dark.
That's right. I was about to go kill myself but the thought of ghosts and ghouls lurking around whilst I do it terrified me.
Hmm..okay cuz that makes sense.
FUCK this. FUCK. I wish I had someone I could talk to. Someone who cares. But nobody gives two fucks about me.
Why am I such a fucking coward?

Crash&Burn

Another low. After such a great high.
Fuck this.
Things are yet again so difficult. Zach and I are still struggling just to get together with whatever's up with his ex. Then, on top of that school is pissing me off right now because I have too many things to do, and not enough time in the day to do it. Plus, I'm exhausted all the time and can't focus enough to do anything. So I'm falling behind and my teachers just don't care and expect me to just be fucking perfect.
It's always "Oh, you missed two days. But it's okay because you're smart, you'll get it fine." And then don't help me at all.
I'm missing school because I'm so tired. Also, I went on a school trip for four days, where every second was planned and I didn't have any free time at all, so of course I didn't do any studying. I get back and my first period teacher hands me a quiz and tells me to do it. I handed it in fifteen minutes later, blank. Auto-fail.
The funny thing is, I honestly couldn't give a damn right now. I feel so overwhelmed with family shit, school stuff, boy drama, friends...I've just stopped caring about all of it.
I just want to live. I just want to...sleep.
Well fuck this. FUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCK.
Oh, that feels kind of good.
There are too many people around to self-harm or purge...I don't know how to cope with this at the moment...I think I'm having an anxiety attack or something because I just want to run to the highway overpass and jump off it. This is too intense...but I have to keep doing my fucking homework because my teachers at school are all fucking perfect and never have any problems, so that's what they expect from me. Nobody fucking understands, and nobody gives a damn.
Fuck ignorance. Fuck them all.
It's seems kind of...ironic to say peace out here...

Happiness is achievable

I may have found it.
And it doesn't reside in food, or the scale, or anything weight-food-related.
Yes, it just so happens...it's in a guy. Well rather, the guy has shown me that it's in Me.

I think I've made a few references about Zach, the guy at work who I've been getting closer to recently. We've been friends for only a couple months, but we learned that we're exactly the same. I mean it, we have all the same sayings, expressions, everything. He often knows exactly what I'm about to say before I say it, and vice versa. That being said, we also each have this part of us that's secretive; mysterious. I guess that this is what attracted us to the other.
So we've been trying to make plans to hang out for a while, but they'd always fall through last minute. Finally, last thursday, we were able to after we both finished work at 7 (since Friday was Good Friday, we didn't really have a curfew or anything). We both have cars, but he was working at the other Mcd's so I drove to see him (it's located in this large outdoor shopping pavillion near the theatre). We didn't really plan what to do so we actually walked around for a while in the pavillion and talked, then we chilled in his car, talking and listening to music. Then we decided to find somewhere to eat, and I insisted that he show me his driving skills (haha ;) ) and that I'm cheap so we should go back to mcd's :P haha, yeah, so we did and we spent 2 hours inside McDonald's just talking, and people watching (hehe). We learned a lot about each other, and actually had a serious conversation, as opposed to the very joking and sarcastic ones we always have. Then, we sat in his car for a while talking again, and I made a joke we should walk back to the pavillion and get my car and drive back, and he took me seriously. Hahaha, so yeah, we walked, about 40 minutes, in the dark (and it was pretty cold). We talked and jokingly flirted, and then somehow, I don't remember how, but I'm sure I initiated it, we got onto the topic of "being interested" and he said he likes me. I knew that he was still hung up on his ex, so I asked about that and he told me that it's complicated- they'd never work out, and they're both getting over each other. Then I told him I like him, but he needs to figure out what he wants to do. When we got back to my car, his dad called him telling him to get home ASAP so I drove him back to his car, but we talked more (for another 45 minutes) about what we were going to do, and it ended in me agreeing to go on a date with him.
So Saturday I went to his house and we went to Subway, then we baked cupcakes for his mom's Easter dinner (lol!), and while we were waiting for them to bake, we sat on his couch (really close fyi) and we held hands, he rested one hand on my thigh (sighhh) and I rested my head on his shoulder. It was really nice. We couldn't really talk about things then though because his parents were home and he didn't want to explain to them yet what we were...well, we didn't even know so it was easier that way.
Sunday, we hung out outside all afternoon. Talking, holding hands, tickling (hehe), and a lot of hugging and touching ( ;) ). We sat on a hill for like 4 hours talking and cuddling and stuff. [He was an hour and a half late for Easter supper because of me...oops:) ] It ended with him kissing me, and me not knowing what to do/say, so I just hugged him and said goodbye.
The thing is: he left for Banff today and we won't see/talk to each other for two weeks. We've been talking on msn and we both know we have to have the talk about what we are. He's been making me nervous with things he's been saying and I can't interpret them properly online, so we both determined we need to do it in person. When he gets back, I'm leaving to New York, so it'll be just over two weeks...
I can't eat, sleep, or do anything. I'm so nervous. I realllly like him, I can talk to him about anything and he makes me feel so comfortable and admired and special, I don't want to lose him after the fragmented piece I've only just gotten.
This is going to be a fun two weeks...
ugh.
Time to study, so peace out. <3
And please, be happy.

SHITSHITSHIT and two FUCKS.

I told Dylan about this...about everything. He was doubtful, I don't think he believed me. But there's no way in hell I'd show him this as a way to attempt to prove myself. That's just wayy too much. This blog is way too fucked up. Yeah, so he's still trying to get me to go out with him. I guess he's a good friend if he'd still stick by me after that... he makes it really hard to reject him over and over again. *sigh* maybe one day... So I bought my prom dress today. It's gorgeous, green and long with a gorgeous fanned trail that flows when I walk and twirl. The back is very open and bordered with jewels. It cost me $450 with a $75 "student discout". It kind of reminded me of keira knightley's dress in Atonement, but obiously mine is better ;) now to find shoes... but man was it ever hard finding it... I felt so fat today, especially since I got my period this morning... I definitely have to lose more weight before I rock this dress. Gosh, I hate how shallow I sound... =/ okay, I'm tired and attempting to make plans for tomorrow, so peace out. <3

=/

another blah night. I was supposed to go out with a couple of friends after work but they're lame and bailed on me last minute. So I came home, at some rando truffle thing my step sister made, then went in the shower and purged... I scratched the back of my throat and it was bleeding and still hurts a little. What's worse is that I'm already sick with a sore throat so that was kind of stupid. My toothbrush method doesn't work anymore, so I had no other choice. This was a nasty purge...I don't mean to be graphic but man I need no chew my food better =/ ueck! Yeah, so that was my evening. I'm exhausted, calling in sick to work tomorrow to go prom dress shopping in Montreal. Okay, so thought I'd update non-ED related stuff. Let's see... okay, so officially moved in with aunt, miss my mom, kitty, and bunny though :( umm...stressed more than ever with school, pretty much no sleep. Kyle and I went out, it wasn't great, told him I didn't want to go out again. I guess I'm just chilling now. I was soo close to telling Dylan about this part of my life the other day, but I got busy and had no time to have the talk, and then I realized that that would be a bad idea and decided not to. He still expects to talk, so I may have to make up a lie. He hasn't talked to me in a while so I hope he's just moved on. I don't know, tonight after I got out of the shower I was almost positive that if he was online I would tell him. I'm often in the mood to tell someone my secret after a horrible night like tonight. umm...yeahh that's about it. Well, I'm tired and need to sleep, so peace out <3

I just don't care.

Seriously. I don't care if I live or die. I don't care if I'm healthy or not. I've stopped caring about my grades, my family, everything. I just don't have the energy, or the willpower, to give a damn anymore. I just want to lay in my bed and sleep until the world ends. I somehow managed to 'lose' my ED. I stopped caring about that too. I still have odd eating habits, and still purge about 4-5 times a week, but I eat like a cow. Usually I wake up and eat toast with peanut butter. At school I'll have a breadstick, and some lunch snacks like fruit gummies, rice crispee square, granola bar, crackers. Usually, I find myself craving something from the caf, like a muffin or a soft cookie, and I rarely ever resist temptation. So that's one fatty thing that goes into my fatty self a day. Then I sometimes have a small supper (apples if I'm at work, maybe something like toast or noodles if I'm at home), and then have another snack (like raisins or something). I feel like such a pig =/ I just want to be able to not think about food, weight, body image, etc, but it's constantly on my mind. I'm already uber stressed at school and stuff without this weighing me down. I never get a single moment just to myself, my daily routine consists of school, homework for 6 hours (sometimes 5-6 hours at work as well), and manage to get a couple hours of sleep. Every.fuckiing.day. And now my family has entered this stupid family bullshit again... I'm living with my aunt right now. I can't handle living with my mom or dad...or siblings. I'm so fucking tired. I can't write any more. Plus, I have homework to do. Ugh...fuck this I'm going to sleep. PEACE OUT <3

The Veggie Cracker Diet.

Yes, it is a lame name. Yes, I did make it up. No, I will not likely succeed, but we'll try.
So basically I made up a diet that I may be able to stick to for a few days, since it's primarily made up of things that taste realllly good and are still on my safe list :)
So I called it the veggie cracker diet because...all you eat are fruits, veggies, and crackers.
Occasionally yogurt with the fruit if I'm out with friends...fruit and yogurt is the only healthy option.
So no more caloric beverages either. No more chips, chocolates, candies, dairy, veggie meats. Just good ol' fruit, veggies, and CRACKERS :) (saltine crackers...or any other looow calorie crackers available such as breton minis)
Yeah, we'll see. Right now my stomach is going off the wall and I'm craving chips like mad. Just gotta fight it though, it will pass.
I've already eaten a lot today... a whole pack of saltine crackers (which I'll have to make a limiting rule to...), a cinnamon raison bagel WITH BUTTER FML...ummm 5 timbits, and a berry smoothie. Just gotta count that, one second....
Tim Horton's portion: 860 fml...
crackers: 514 fml...
oh yeah.. and I had an iced tea. FACKKK 132
TOTAL: 1506 omfg. COW.
well, my fight's back. Going on PT for the first time in weeks.
And I'm moving in with my cousin who's waitlisted for treatment at an ED clinic... SHE'S FOURTEEN and has like no issues whatsover, and she gets help before me. Wow, I'm a bitch for being jealous. >:( Reason to hate myself more? I think so... :(
So yeah, PTing it up as we speak
Peace out everyone...

I broke her.

I made my mother cry today.
It's just too stressfuly for me in every way possible right now, at this point in my life. She doesn't even know about the depression or ED, but she knows all the other stresses I constantly have in my life.
So yesterday I babysat for my brother and when he got home we had a nice, long chat about university, finances, my mother, and just life in general. It helped me realize just how screwy everything is and that there are SOME things I can change.
So today I talked to my mom about moving out and living my aunt until the end of the school year. We talked about it before when my aunt first gave me the option, but she had a panic attack and started crying, so I apologized for bringing it up and promised not to ever again...
well, recently with everything happening... i.e. school, work, university, having to pay for EVERYTHING myself, being depressed and stressed out, and not even having time for a social life... I finally realized something has to change. So my brother talked to me about bringing this up with my mom, which I was very afraid of.
*sigh* as I write this she's on the phone crying. I even cried when I was telling her. Finally she understood though and told me she didn't want me hurting myself for her...
Oh, the irony.

So I promised a few days ago I'd update my love life...
well, we're still not anywhere, but it's headed there...as soon as I get the time to :/ He's been much more affectionate toward me and we went out and it was good, so we'll see.

And I thought I'd share: I guess I'm bulimic now?
I hate this. I've been stressed and eating horrible foods. I don't think over 1000, but I still purge/attempt to purge pretty much everything I eat. I dunno. again, like before, I'm still in denial. But I have more bulimic tendencies.
Today, after talking to my mom, I felt so horrible that I took a shower just to purge and feel better... I hadn't even eaten anything. I just wanted to do it to get the high of having something come up. Unfortunately nothing did, but I did scratch my throat because the toothbrush wasn't working so I used my finger instead :/ Yuck.
Ugh, I fucking hate this.
Well, I have a stupid skype presentation to do, so peace. out.

Why are guys so clueless?

I was texting this guy today and we were kind of play figthing over text and somehow we got on the subject of being happy (as in cheerful), and he told me he thought I was depressed.
:O
thanks? I thought my facade was rather good. Thanks for ruining what little self esteem I had left.
Also, I was talking to another guy about how stuffed I was after eating 1 1/2 slices of pizza (Which sadly, was true :( ) and he told me to puke it up and eat more....
wow. What is with guys and guessing my secrets tonight? I mean, I know they're probably kidding, but wow.
It's making me paranoid.
Oh yeah, and now I'm stressed over my university choice. I'll post more about that (and about what's happening in my love life) tomorrow, when I have more energy. Right now, I have to sleep.
Mad restricting tomorrow. Hopefully I'll feel better.
Kay, going to bed now, peace out.

Relapse is a bitch.

Okay, so I know I never really 'recovered' per say, but I was eating more...well, a lot more. Maybe I was recovering?
But not any more.
I knew this would happen...the moment I stepped back on the scale...everything just crashed and burned.
I guess it serves me right for stuffing my face to avoid emotional shit rather than restricting. It's not much healthier, and I wasn't happier. Who was I trying to kid?
Okay, new plan. One meal a day? Low cal of course. Maybe invest in some meal replacements.
My jeans were tight today.
5 days of exercise a week.
110 lbs.
Hardcore exercising.
Rolls on my stomach.
Invest in a gym membership.
Double chin.
No treats.
LARD ASS.
Maybe one meal is too much?
fml.

I've been gone a while, haven't I?

haha..oops. It's been so busy at school. I literally haven't had the time to be depressed. Ugh.
Okay, so my marks at school have been suffering, my mom's been upset, and I obviously can't tell my teachers to cut me some slack because I'm so emotionally effed up and sleep deprived that I can't focus in school. So I've been getting help. Luckily, I caught it before my average dropped below a 90.
I didn't go out with Kyle again. He's asked, but it's just been too busy. I went out with another guy from work, what I thought was just hanging out but apparently he calls it a date :/ anywhoo we're just friends.
Then that Dylan guy that I knew from work a while ago who asked me out in September asked me out for Friday. I'm too tired of waiting for Kyle so I said yes.
Tomorrow I'm off to Hamilton for 2 days, checking out McMaster University and looking at a couple of apartments. Should be fun, we're staying in an expensive hotel and my cousin (who I'm really close to) is coming :)
She's actually sleeping right beside me right now, so I'm holding my laptop very awkwardly so she can't see.
Yeah, so I may be moving to Hamilton. I'm having difficulties choosing between McMaster's Life Sciences (which will set me back about 15000 a year, but the program looks sooo sickk!) or Ottawa's Health Sciences (which will only cost me about 2-3000 because of the scholarship they offered and I'd be staying at home). Basically I'm going to check them out and decide if they extra money is worth it.

Okay, so now to talk about the ED, which I haven't talked about for a while now. I don't even think I mentioned it in my last couple posts. Basically, when I came back from the Caribbean, I felt happy. I don't know if it was the travelling making me feel happy or what, but I just felt happy again, so I started eating. Then, that mood faded and I went back to being depressed, but I couldn't stop eating. Then, I got interested in healthy eating again so I did that for a while. Now, I'm feeling more stressed than ever and just overall depressed and emotionally and physically tired.
Well, I guess we all know what this means.
Welcome back, dark world of restricting.
xx Well, I have an early morning tomorrow, so peace out.

I almost killed myself at school today.

All I can say is: it's a good thing I forgot my geometry set.
I learned that using a pencil, allbeit, a very sharp pencil, does nothing.
Then I vomited in the bathroom because I was so upset at myself. I also vomited in my car before coming home... :/
I think I'm about to purge again. This time there's actually food in my stomach though...binged on the leftovers from yesterday. Weighed myself today, I'm up to 107...
I really don't care anymore. I just don't want to eat. Nobody fucking cares, the world is so fake. I hate this shit. WHAT IS THE POINT?
Seriously, I'd like to know.
Peace

Lost my phone :(

Oh yeah, I had to create a new post about how much I suck at keeping my phones safe :(
I lost it between home and school on friday morning before LC, so I'm out of touch unless I'm on the computer, which is rare these days.
Which means...I CAN'T TALK TO KYLE CUZ HE'S ALWAYS WORKING!!!!!!! >:(
Oh yeah, I haven't told you that story yet ;)
So...he asked me out again on tuesday. I was positive that I would make sure not to go out with him since he hurt me the last time, but I keep thinking how much I'd regret it if I didn't give it a shot. So I went out with him thursday after work (wow, school night...can you say rebel? ;) ) We saw...errrg can't remember the name of the movie now...that new Ashton Kutcher/Natalie Portman one where they are 'sex friends'... :/
oh well, so we saw that. There were a few short awkward silences, but overall it was pretty good... oh yeah, we also played footsy during the movie ;)
And when he drove me back to work so I could get my car, he hugged me before I left. It was really funny because we were both still sitting in the car and we just couldn't coordinate it xD BAHAHA EMBARASSING!
lmao...I'm such an awkward first dater. He kept making references to 'next time' (i.e. "Next time you pick the movie" etc), so I guess that means it went well? lol...hopefully 'next time' is better :/
But I lost my phone friday morning and haven't talked to him since thursday since I've been away at LC :(
awww nozzzzz
Anywhoo, just thought I'd write abnout that for a bit :) Now I'm attempting to do all my homework...although I'm soooo tired! ):
well, peace out everyone.
oh yeah, p.s. I now have a new motivation to change the world and be a better person. I want to make a positive impact in this lifetime. :) I need ideas, though... :/

I'mmm baaack! :)

And I'm still breathing.
My vacation was awesome. Didn't stick to my plan much, though. There was food shoved in my face left, right, and center (and all of it was free). If you tried to say you weren't hungry, people would give you funny looks (since apparently you aren't allowed to stop eating on vacation). We were in a group of 14, so we'd meet up in the dining room every night for supper where there was a limited menu, and all of it was FAT FAT FAT! So the first night I asked for just fruit, and the waiter wouldn't let me. He was like "okay, I'll give you the fruit but you must be hungry! Eat more! Try the pasta! The soup!...blahblahblah" Oh yeah, and none of them were english, so imagine that in a spanish accent. So I learned that it only draws attention to not eat, so I'd try to have 2 courses (i.e. fruit and pasta or something like that) every night. My stomach definitely expanded after a week of being plumped up, so now it's hard for me to get back on track.
It was so beautiful though! We had amazing weather- 25 degrees celsius at the coldest, and we only hit one small rain shower and the rest of the time was sunny :) We went to St Thomas, St Maarten, Princess Cays (Bahamas) and Grand Turk. I bought a Guess bag ($130 :/) and some duty free Daisy perfume as my 'big buys' :) It was a pretty great trip. Oh yeah, and I went to the gym a few times throughout the week, so that's good too :)
So I got back to Frozenland last sunday, been working/at school everyday since then so I'm still really behind. We had leadership camp this weekend, so I didn't even have time to work on stuff then. Now I'm just procrastinating. And binging. :/
I have a bag of sunchips, a box of woppers, box of juniors, a bag of chocolate covered raisins, and a box of mrs fields chocolate chip cookies on my bed and I'm wolfing it all down. :/ugh I'm disgusting.
Well, I'm tired...we barely had any sleep this weekend, so peace out (:

My Week From Hell

I'm so tired.
Basically, I went from fasting all week to "almost qualifies as a binge" week :/
All because work booked me 6 hour shifts every night, starting right after school until 10-11 at night. Then I get home and attempt my homework (which takes me hours to do because I'm so tired I can't focus on a single word). Then I finally get to bed. Then I go to school and attempt to concentrate, but fail. Then I eat food, thinking it will make things better. It doesn't. Then I go to work. Repeat. Repeat. Repeat. Repeat....
I woke up this morning with NO depth perception at all because I was so friggin tired. My mom called me while I was sleeping and I went to pick up my phone but I couldn't find it, then when I opened my eyes I looked at my hands and it was doing this weird wave thing, so I just stared at it in awe for a couple of minutes before I passed out again. I felt like I was on drugs (which was weird because I had just had a dream that I was doing some pretty serious drugs :/ )... I also fell out of my bed when my alarm rang an hour later...
Ugh, so now I'm fatter, more tired, and even more depressed than before...if that's even possible.
I need a vacation now more than ever. Just two.more.days. I can do this.
My head hurts, and my throat hurts, and I feel like I'm going to puke. I also feel like I could pass out again any moment now. I had an espresso shot and an iced coffee (extra strong) at work to keep me from falling asleep on the floor, but I'm just about dead now. But I couldn't do my homework without posting an update first. It helps me clear my head and relax...somewhat.
I'm debating not going to school tomorrow and maybe calling in sick to work. But I can't, because a) I'm already going to fall behind next week and b) I desperately need the money.
I still haven't packed. FACCK.
Okay, I'm just about dead, so peace out.

Another whiny post about how much I hate life.

...well really, it's just the title.
I don't have enough energy to find the words to say it. I went to work today and it wasn't busy. I've never brought my emotional stuff to work, but today I was standing there thinking 'what if I were dead?' and that startled me. Work usually makes me temporarily numb from my personal hell, but today was different. Even in chemistry class, all I could do was look around at the chemicals and wonder which ones I could swallow that would put me into a permanent sleep. Nothing is safe for me anymore.
I have a horrible headache. It's not even a hunger headache because I ate a lot between work and school. 20 chips + 2 granola bars + 6 veggie chicken strips + ketchup
then I had an apple at work
after work I had a donut and cafe mocha. :s
Why is it that once we go over our calorie limit or 'food goal' for the day, we feel the day is ruined and just ruin it more by binging? I don't understand.
Well, I kind of decided that after I get back from the Caribbean, there will be nothing left that I look forward to. I'm not even that excited about going on my trip, except that it's an escape from school, work, life. After that, what's really holding me here? I cry like every day because I'm just so frustrated with myself, and with life. I can't figure out my emotions. Everything just feels so gray to me, I'm never happy, and these days I'm always fantasizing my suicide. =/
I don't know, I guess we'll just see where I am emotionally when we get back. All I know is that it will go one of two ways:
1. I'll tell someone about this and get help.
2. I'll starve myself (even more) until I'm finally satisfied with myself, or until I die. Whichever comes first.
so yeahh, well, I have homework to do and then I've got to cry myself to sleep. Peace out

My cousin

I'm at my wit's end with her. She's going through a lot right now. She's only 14 and she's in with the wrong people. She trusts me and tells me everything (or so I think...) and she's going through some tough stuff and I just don't know how to help her.
She's done pot and drinks on a regular basis. She got high at school the other day, and then got high again later the same day. She sneaks people into her house and drinks. She's rude to her parents. One of her friends has anger problems and is extremely fucked up and wants her to try ecstasy, so I'm trying to keep her away from her. I'm afraid it's already too late. She skips school, gets bad grades, her mom found pills in her room (which she hasn't told me about yet). She got in a fight with her mom and I brought her to my house so she wouldn't go to this other girl's place and do something stupid. Her mom doesn't trust me anymore; she thinks I'm the one giving her the alcohol.
Yet, this poor girl has it rough at home. Her dad covers for her but plays dumb to her mom, so when she needs him to be honest he doesn't help her. My grandma (who lives with her) also plays dumb. She has so many people enabling her, which is only hurting her more. But her younger twin sisters are spoiled and get rewarded for pleasing their parents, which they've learned they can easily do by ratting out their sister so they've began lying to them to get rewards. They told them that one of her friends showed them pot the other night, which isn't true because I know for a fact that the friend they said did it was at home with her parents that night. My cousin is also constantly being compared to me (because apparently everyone thinks I'm fucking perfect), which is never something anyone needs to hear. She's under a lot of pressure and nobody is helping her. I try by stealing her away sometimes and trying to show her you can have fun without using substances, but then she just goes back to her friends.
I told my mom tonight after a big fight she had. Her mom knows some of what's going on, but not all of it. I told my mom everything I know, but she isn't going to tell my aunt, which pisses me off. I can't because I feel like my cousin trusted me and I'd be betraying her. I know it would be the right thing to do and all, but then she won't feel comfortable coming to me anymore then we'll lose her. I just want my aunt to know that I'm the only one fucking helping her.
I don't know what to do. They're trying to get her counselling but they need to wait for her to say she's ready for it, but she's really stubborn. They're also waiting for her to get referred to an eating disorder clinic because they suspect she's bulimic.
I feel guilty that it pissed me off that she's getting referred. I wanted to shout "She doesn't have a fucking eating disorder! I do! Get me help!" But she does need help, just not with an ED that doesn't exist in her life. I just wish she could get all her shit sorted out. I'm under a lot of pressure because of all this, and it's pushing me farther into my own ED/depression, but nobody knows. I just want to not eat until I'm dead now.
AGG! I just want to run away. I want to do anything to get out of this hell hole I'm stuck in. I'm so stressed from everything going on (work, school, ED, family shit, depression) and I feel like life is just not enjoyable. What is the point? Every day I wake up and I tell myself I'm nothing. All day I believe it. I'm never happy. People think I am. It's all just a deception. A really good fucking deception. I'm such a good liar that nobody thinks there is anything wrong with me, but sometimes I wish they did. It would be nice to be able to live and be happy, but it's been so long that I forget that that exists, that it is still possible for me.
Sometimes I wonder how much of the shit that goes through my head goes through a normal person's head. Do normal people feel guilty about eating food, or even junk in the least? Do normal people ever feel just blah about life? Do they ever wonder what life would be like without them? Do they ever want to just stand on a really high rooftop and scream to the sky?
What exactly does a normal person think?
I have homework to do. Faack. It all seems to trivial now.
I guess...peace out

I made it through the week.

It's been a week since my last binge...I think. I can't think that far back. But yes, I do believe that I haven't binged since last friday or saturday. Granted, I haven't been eating the best foods once in a while (i.e. a muffin on Wednesday, a couple mini chocolates every day...a MCFLURRY today -.-) but the important thing is that I have not binged. In fact, I've also managed to stick to only eating when I'm hungry, and about 95% of my intake is from healthy foods (and about 85% from fruits and veg). So I'd say that's pretty successful, no? I think I've also shrunk my stomach this week. It doesn't take much to get full now :) Still a LOT of work to go though.
Tomorrow is binge day.
Ugh, the dreaded Binge Day. I'm terrified. I know that I 'allow' myself this day to go crazy, but I still hate the way I feel at the end of it. I would skip this week, but my cousin and I had plans to do a binge day together (part of our New Years Resolution) I can't back out now. I'd really like to though, I've made so much progress this week and I feel like I no longer need the binge day. But then again, I'm planning to start a fast starting Sunday, so I may need this to get my energy levels pumped up to start the week. I work sunday-thursday, so I'm thinking a liquid fast will suffice (although I wanted to do a water fast =L ) So I'll stick to water, juices, soup, diet coke, and coffee (and one cup of milk a day). If that's too tough and I end up sick again, I'll add a fruit or veg a day, maybe two (or maybe up to say, 100 cals worth?) We'll see how I'm feeling I guess.
Okay, well, I'm really tired and I've rambled long enough. I think I've addressed all I wanted to...
I'll leave you with this picture of me in a bikini. I hope it works to show you that you should NEVER turn to junk food as a coping mechanism, because no matter how low your BMI is after being overweight, you'll always look like this.

Well...peace. out.

Bathing suit? Bleck.

The cruise is in 1 week and 2 days. EEEK!
So today my mother and I went bathing suit shopping. Although I hate my body and think it's the most repulsive thing I've ever seen, I decided to opt for a bikini to attempt to get a tan. I love when my stomach is tanned.
So, we went to store #1. Oh, did I mention that I'm 5'4", 100 lbs, with a size 30DD chest? How the hell am I supposed to find ANY clothes that fit, let alone a bathing suit!? I found really cute bottoms at this store, but the matching top didn't fit (big surprise there), and I knew I wouldn't be able to find any patterns/solids that matched the bottoms :( Anywhoo, I tried on 3 more tops at this store in various sizes...but nothing. My waist is too small and my boobs too big :/
So we went to store #2. Every item of clothing I buy is small or extra small. I wear a size 0/1 pants. At this store, I had to try on all my bathing suit tops in a large. They still didn't fit. Finally, the sales lady handed my a top labelled "D+" for girls with larger boobs... couldn't you have done this earlier? Saved me so much time. I ended up with a one piece cutout. It still didn't fit perfectly around my boobage, and I won't get the tan I wanted, but it'll do I guess.

It didn't really help that every suit I tried on, I couldn't get past how fucking disgusting I am. Stretch marks on my fatty hips, lard for thighs, etc etc. How can someone be so underweight, yet so fat? I guess in the winter, with all the layers, you don't realize how much work you have to do on your body, but then BAM! You transition into summer and loathe your body more than ever.
UGH. revolting.
So today I ate 3 strawberries, 10 crackers, subway veggie sub no cheese on wheat, 2 subway cookies ( =[ ), an apple, 2 mini chocolates, and a banana. It feels like so much :/ My days lately have been like this (i.e. eat a couple fruits and a very light dinner and crackers, and then a couple mini chocolates) and I feel like I ate a lot of calories, then I look back and realize: no, it's actually not. :/ I gotta stop eating them damn chocolates!

So work scheduled me friday, sunday- thursday, then I have my friend's party on friday, then I jet off to my tropical paradise :) I hope this week goes by quickly!

Well, it's 12:30, I have school tomorrow, so peace out :)

Over it.

I'm so over what went down yesterday/ way too early this morning.
Turns out, it was all a dumb scam. (which is just sick. and ridiculous.)
I don't feel stupid though, and I don't regret anything I said about people being bitchy for calling someone else a troll. We had no proof at the time that this person was trolling, so it was uncalled for. The thing is: you never know, so why take the chance?
And then there was some girl who apparently went on and made a thread that deemed people attractive or unattractive, and that got out of hand. I posted on a thread about that thread (lol) and now I just feel like I was being a bitch. I didn't really see what went down, but I still pryed my way into it :/
From now on, I'm just going to stick out of it. I hate that the boards have been full of this stuff in the past couple of days. I never really noticed any of it before :/

So today, I'm having aweful hunger pains, I feel physically sick, and my head is pounding. I've eating fruit and yogurt at work (180), apple slices (40) with peanut butter (probably 180, I could have done without, but someone handed it to me and I didn't want to awkwardly say no :/ ), 7 saltine crackers (90) and a mini chocolate (40), for a total of ... 530? ohmy, that's really high. It's 5 pm and I have yet to eat supper. My last exam is in 16 hours and I feel sick and still have to study, so there's no way I'm skipping supper. My mark is too important to risk for one day of a somewhat satisiable calorie intake. I'm thinking I'll have a veggie chicken breast (180), maybe a bit of rice? no, no rice. But I may have something else with it. we'll see. I just need energy, and I need it now so I can finally study. :/
Well, this fatty is hungry, so peace out.

EDIT: fatty ate too much :(
I went on a chocolate rampage. I found my mom's hidden stash, and I made excuses. "I'm so stressed over exams. Just eat it and you'll be able to study better"...yeah right. Now I'm full of chocolate, crackers, vegetarian chicken, and a kaiser bun...and obviously tons of calories. I'd estimate the chocolate intake alone at 700 :/ god, I'm such a failure. I don't even deserve to pass my exam tomorrow. I can't study because all I can think about is all that food sitting in my stomach, making me fat. It's going to make me gain two more fucking pounds that will take me weeks to get off. I was finally starting to see the scale decrease, and now this shit happens? WHY. ME.?
oh god, I just remembered my drama friends are getting together tomorrow, and we're making dinner (and...eating it). I'm the one who practically organized it, so I can't just not go, and I can't go and not eat :/ What do I do what do I do what do I do??!? HOW DID I NOT REALIZE THIS SOONER?!? Oh my god, I think I'm having a panic attack. I don't even know what we're making yet!
Okay, it's cool. I can do this. I'll have oatmeal for breakfast, but after the exam I won't eat anything. fuck, I'm going for coffee with a friend. Okay, get a water and you'll be fine. She wouldn't notice anything. Okay, then go to the dinner and put something in every dish so you can't have it. Good. good. No having to eat.
ahhh, crisis averted.

On PT today.

Okay, something on PT really bothered me, and I need to let this out.
I guess some girl who's been a known drama queen made a post bringing drama for her real-life and threatening suicide and deleted her account, then another member came on and said that he was the one the post was aimed at (because they know each other in real life) and said a few more things, like something along the lines of it was coming to her and he secretly hopes she spends a long time in ICU (oh yeah, forgot to mention he said she's in the hospital).
Honestly, we don't know the whole story, so it's truly none of our business. People were saying how horrible he is, etc. But honestly, we only heard her side. He wasn't catty enough to try and defend himself and make her look bad, and I'm sure he could have tried (so kuddos to that). Haven't you ever been so frustrated with someone that you said things you don't mean? Of course you have. It's none of our fucking business what he said. He didn't know how unstable she was and how serious she was about going through with her threats. He didn't know that what he was saying would cause her to actually KILL HERSELF (which we later learned she had died). Now he feels like shit for what he said to her and about her, and people kept making it worse by saying what a jerk he was. Seriously, he fucking knows. But you don't. You don't know the whole story, why would you pry yourself in and make him feel like a worthless piece of shit because you feel like starting drama. Don't get involved in other's people's drama, because YOU DON'T FUCKING HAVE A CLUE.
And that's not even what pissed me off the most. What was horribly DISGUSTING was that people were bitching the whole thread about it being fake, calling her a troll and saying that he was just the same person on a different account. Okay, I get it, it's a little fishy. I KNOW there are some odd things in this story, but honestly you have no right to say who's a troll and who's not because (hey, I'm going to repeat myself here): YOU DON'T FUCKING KNOW. JUST because people don't act the same way you do, doesn't mean they are fakes. To be honest, I was suspicious too, but I would NEVER tell someone they're just trolling or being a drama queen. ESPECIALLY on such a serious thread.
So I posted: wtf is wrong with you people? what does voicing your concerns that this is a fake have to do with anything? fuck, if you want to bitch about it, bitch in PMs or go make your own fucking topic and discuss there, not on her suicide post. you're making him feel like complete shit, and why? What does that accomplish for you?
(along with a little message to the guy involved)
and then someone posted in response saying :
am voicing my concernes here so that people like you dont fall for obvious trolling.

What does it accomplish for me? Well, nothing really. Do I care though? No, not a shit was given on this day.

~~
wow, okay, so you're just a bitch? Okay. Go fuck yourself.
I'm not a fucking idiot. I know he/she/they could very well be trolling. ANYONE on PT could be a troll. Do I care? NO. I subject MYSELF to that.
Good for you for being such a bitch as to not care what your 'concerns' are doing to other people- i.e. the guy whose friend just killed herself because something he said to her, unknowing that she was so emotionally fucked up.
Honestly, it does nothing for you but EVERYTHING to someone like him. You alienated him in the only place that supported him in his time of such grief. I'm just glad that people like YOU tend to just hover in your own little minds instead of infecting those around you. Fortunately, there are more people like ME on PT who gave him the support he needed.
why the fuck do people have to be so rude. WHY DO THEY FEEL THEY HAVE TO 'WARN' OTHERS? what. the. fuck.
sorry, ranting. That just pissed me off and the thread was locked so I couldn't tell her any of this.
Usually, I'm very calm, but this just set me off. I don't think I've ever bitched anyone out before. I wish people could just employ the old 'if you don't have anything nice to say' idea. I know it's tacky and somewhat stupid, but at least on such a serious topic it should be remembered that people are in a vulnerable place. Don't be a bitch in the worst place possible to be a bitch.
I guess this is usually where I say peace out. It seems pointless now.

I'm fucked.

I'm sitting in bed, on PT and watching 'X-Weighted' on tv with my cat trying to climb on my stomach, but I keep pushing him away because then I can't see my laptop. :/

So on PT, there was a topic called "I remember a time..." where you post the things you remember before having an ED. It looked harmless, so I posted. Then, taking the walk down memory lane, it made me cry thinking about how long it's been since I could eat food without feeling major guilt and wanting to fucking kill myself. All the family moments we used to have that centred around food. I guess I started linking food with family, togetherness, and a time of innocence. And now, I feel like EVERYTHING in my life centres around FOOD. I'm missing out on so much, and a lot of it includes family. I don't eat family meals anymore. I go out to restaurants maybe once a month, if that (whereas we used to go two-three times a week). I can't sit down to watch a movie with my dad and sister because they always eat junk and I can't be around that. I hate that I've isolated myself from the people who mean the most to me all because of food.
And then there's the issue of friends. I was thinking recently about where we'll all go after graduation- who I'd still be friends with, who I wouldn't care to see anymore, who I'd let go- and I realized I only have one real friend. Everyone else I've decided is just 'temporary', a filler for a friend. This one friend, however, I don't even hang out with much and we still may end up going separate directions, but I want to keep her in my life so badly. We've been through a lot together and we always give each other pep talks when we're down. We try to hang out, but our plans always fall through. I really hope we can stay friends, but we'll see...
So anyway, I don't know what the point of this post is. I'm hungry, but I won't eat. I've got a can of coke zero and hunger pains and I keep thinking about going into the kitchen for fruit and crackers, but I don't want to. :/ See, every thought in my mind is about food.
FUCK, this is so fucked.
Well, I think I'm done with this post, so peace out.

Odd :/

Today I ate like a 'normal' person.
I had an exam, so I woke up and ate breakfast (2 eggs, 1 piece of cal-reduced toast with peanut butter, 3 strawberries, 6 blueberries, 3 blackberries, 3/4 banana and a glass of milk)...I couldn't stomach it so it just came right back out :/ (totally not my fault.)
Then, I came home and ate salad, light vegetable soup, and a kaiser roll with butter. I wanted to be healthy until I finish my exams. I've been trying to eat a healthy intake for the past couple of days so I can just get through this stressful week, but I end up hating myself for it.
Is there something wrong with me because I think there's something wrong with being healthy, or at least wanting to be healthy?
I ended up eating 5 saltine crackers...4 cupcakes (ERGG)...4 mini chocolates (double EERRRG)...and now I'm eating popcorn.
fudgecrackerrsssssss >:(
I hate this. I can't BE healthy and happy at the same time. At least when I restrict, I get a high from the scale's low number. But now, eating healthy, I'm too afraid to go on the scale...and I STILL BINGED. Healthy doesn't solve anything.
I was going to have rice and vegetarian chicken, but I doubt that's going to happen. Back to restricting for me. My exam will just have to deal.
Starting now.No set calorie limits, just stay low.
No junk food. I'll bring back binge fridays to keep me on track.
Tomorrow's plan:
1-2pmish: fruit, yogurt
at work (~8 pm): apple
and that will be it. stick to that, fatty.

and on a slightly happier note, I've officially accepted my offer of admission to the University of Ottawa for Health Sciences in French Immersion. yay :)

Well, I'm tired so peace out (:

STRESSING OVER EXAMS =S

ugh I hate this time of the semester...
It shouldn't be that stressful... All I have to do is keep an 80 average to keep my scholarship, 70 to keep my acceptance. My 'average average' is 94. This should be a piece of cake.
Yet, I have my writer's craft exam in 13 hours and I'm freaking out.
there are 60 giant words I have to memorize, plus their meanings, plus how to use them in a sentence...
along with latin prefixes and examples and meanings,
along with allusions, which means I have to re-read all my poetry books and anthology and remember the titles...
and a bunch of other stuff, like prepositions and pronous, but I feel fine with those. It's just the words, prefixes, and allusions I'm stressing about.
And, above all, it's making me overeat. I haven't gained...but I haven't lost either. :(
I'M SUPPOSED TO BE FUCKING FASTING. Today I went skiing with dad (I know, the day before an exam, how dumb) and I ate a fruit and yogurt, a granola bar, 1/2 a chocolate bar, fries, chocolate chip muffin, soy chili, a kaiser roll, salad, a cupcake, a hot chocolate, and a french vanilla cappucino...and I still want another bloody cupcake. UGHHH frustraing. :/
So I SHOULD be studying, but silly me loves to procrastinate, so I've been on PT, facebook, and this for 45 minutes instead.
Tomorrow after my exam, I'll make sure to NOT eat the whole fucking kitchen. Thank god my math exam isn't until Monday. I think I'll study for about 1 hour tomorrow, then just relax. I'm still freezing, even though we came home from the hill 4 hours ago :S
I should really go study. Peace out.

EDIT: 3 hours later, and I've only studied the words. :/

EDIT EDIT: 4 hours later, and I'm too fucking tired to give a damn what I get tomorrow. I'm going to bed.

I was supposed to be fasting

But I didn't :/
Today I went to school, skipped first period and ended up in the library studying for exams. (I didn't technically skip because my teacher was the one who wanted to do other work and pretty much kicked us out of her classroom lol) A couple of us went to timmy's and someone bought me a cafe mocha without whipped cream... :/
When we got back, I went to second period but left after 10 minutes to 'study' in the library, and a couple of my friends begged me to drive them to Cora's (a breakfast restaurant) for brunch, so we went...
I had 2 pieces of toast with peanut butter and jam, 2 scrambled eggs, and a bunch of fresh fruit.
Then, I came home from school and, because I am a fat piece of lard and can't stop eating once I start, I ate TWO cupcakes that my stepsister baked, some hard candies while I was studying, and a bunch of crackers. The day ended at 1520 MINIMUM. UUUUUUGH. I completely underestimated what I was eating all day. that'll teach me for straying from the plan.
Tomorrow, I'm going skiing, so I'll be working a lot of it off. However, I'll be with my dad, who likes to load me up with sugars and stuff while we're out... :/
We don't bring our own lunches because then things just become so cluttered and crowded in our little car. Hopefully the resort has healthy options...maybe a sandwich, soup, pretzels, or something of the sort. I reallly hope they sell fruit and yogurt and things like that. I'm not looking forward to that part of the day.
I know I'm going to want a hot chocolate once we get out there... It was -30 today, so tomorrow won't be much warmer... I'll be sure to ski slowly to burn more calories.
Well, I've got studying to do, so peace out. :)

Best Idea I've Ever Had :)

So I finally solved this 'binging' problem.
Not sure if it will work 100%, but it's definitely worth a shot. It worked for this entire past week, so we'll see.
So I made a plan that Fridays will be binge days, when I can indulge in all the cravings I've had all week. Granted, it's never guilt-free, but at least it's only one binge in the week, instead of 4-7 :/
So I was super pumped last night, and made a huge list of foods I'd want today. I'd been doing so well and hadn't eaten anything but grapes, bread, vegetarian bologna, and rice cakes for 3 days so the cravings were getting quite bad. But knowing that I'd soon be allowed to binge helped me through the tough times.
This morning, I woke up and DIDN'T WANT TO EAT ANYTHING! It was like, everything that had been building up for the past week suddenly went away.
However, I still forced myself to eat some of the junk just because I believed it would keep my cravings low for the next few days, so I still feel like a fat cow and my stomach is flipflopping...
Anywhoo, I'm repeating this plan next week. I'm fasting tomorrow until thursday (while going skiing tuesday and exam on wednesday :/ ), thursday I'll eat very little, but Friday I'll let myself binge. Except next time, if I don't feel like eating, I bloody well won't. Maybe over time, this plan will help diminish my cravings? We'll see...
I feel weird for planning my binges. Binges are supposed to be spontaneous, lack of control, yet I've put a plan and structure to mine. Oddly, it makes me feel like a 'fake' an eating disordered individual :/ I know, it's weird. But if it works for me, don't judge.
So hopefully all will go well. I work tomorrow at 6 (ugh...get up at 4:40), so peace out :)

today, tomorrow, the next day...

today I ate 17 grapes, 1 rice cake, 1/2 a piece of bread, a piece of vegetarian bologna, and like 1/2 an apple.
Looking at the list, it feels like so much, even though it's only about 210 calories :/
Tomorrow, I'll eat: the whole friggin house.
It's binge day tomorrow. I haven't touched junk food in days, so I'm really looking forward to it. After that, I'm fasting until Thursday. I work Thursday, so I'll faint if I don't break it by then.:/
Anywhoo, just wanted to update before I went to bed. Summatives are finally done, so I don't really have anything to worry about in school until exams next week. I only have two: math and writer's craft. I'm not worrying...yet.
I baked cupcakes today. There was a bit of leftover batter and I 'chewed'/spit (how do you 'chew' batter?). It was quite tasty, but I burnt the bottoms :( Oh well, there only for the drama class. Nobody will notice, especially since I put a mound of icing on each of them (and I had fun with neon food colouring, too!)
I can't wait until tomorrow night. Massive binge + catch up on sleep = temporary happines :)
Well, I have to get up in 6 hours, so peace out :)

I'm such a procrastinator

I stayed home from school and called in sick to work to do my summatives (projects worth 10-30% of final grades). I have three due tomorrow. My drama one is pretty good, I have to study for my math one, and I haven't started my writing one. :/
Yeah, it's 5 pm, have done NOTHING all day...
but...I am relaxed...which I haven't been in a looong time.
So, starting in 5 minutes...I'm going to work until it's all done.
I haven't eaten yet today. I had 1/2 a cup of coffee with a bit of milk and sugar, but that's it. I'm going to have a few grapes in a couple of minutes, maybe yogurt in a few hours, but that's it. I'm only allowing myself the bare minimum for food.

well, I'mma go work now, so peace out.

I want to be dead.

I just don't understand why I'm still living.
As far as I know, I'm incapable of loving and of being loved.
Seriously, I've tried so many times, and failed. Very few guys have ever liked me, and those who do seem to be exactly what I need in my life. They're smart, kind, sweet, really know how to care for a woman, have a purpose in life, etc (and some haven't been too bad looking ;) ) But I try and try and try to have even the tiniest feelings for them, but nothing. Therefore...I am incapable of loving.
People also don't like me. I guess it's because I don't like me, so that's the energy I have around me? That, or...I'm just a fucking loser. The only friends I have are just kind of 'fillers'. I know after high school, I'll never see them again.
So I'm destined to end up alone. The only person in this world that I care about is my mother.
To be 100% honest, the only reasons I'm still alive now are:
1) MY MUM. Could NOT do that to her.
2) My pets.
3) people always say: it gets better. Well I've been waiting for 6 fucking years.
4) I feel too young. Maybe life is better once I get out of school? Part of me wants to believe that #3 could be true.
5) I'm too chicken.

Tonight, I realized that I really have nothing to live for. I'd probably make the shittiest doctor on the planet and anything born from me will be destined to become as horrible as I am.
Tonight, I'm checking off number 5.
I'm not afraid anymore. I know there's nothing for me in this life. I'm not going to go with the instant route though. I want a long death, one that if I do suddenly change my mind, there's time to reverse it. I mean, this is SUICIDE we're talking about. Once life is gone, there ain't no getting it back. I don't want to kill myself based on my feelings on one night. Mine will takes weeks, maybe months, but it will be so beautiful.
I'm no longer starving myself for self-approval. I'm starving myself to die.
I'm done eating.

feeling empty

Right now I'm feeling lower than ever.
It's taking all my strength not to self harm or to purge. I don't know why I want to so badly, it's not like anything has happened to me recently that's made me feel this way. Yesterday, or the day before that -- I really can't keep track when I'm like this -- I just suddenly started feeling empty. Like my life is pointless, like I lack purpose. I feel alone and depressed and...disgusting. Nobody loves me. Nobody cares for me.
I feel very...anxious and antsy right now. For some reason, I started getting crazy thoughts in my head that I never really thought about before. To some, they seem normal: things like dying my hair brown, getting a choppy haircut, getting a tattoo and a belly piercing. These things I've always thought would be cool to do but I was convinced that I would never. But now, I want to more than ever. But the question is: why? Will doing these things suddenly make me feel that I've found a purpose? Will they fill the emptiness that has consumed me?
I don't know. All I do know is that I just want to go get drunk, be stupid, knock down mail boxes, and even... god forbid... DO DRUGS. not hardcore, just weed. I've never done it before. I'm feeling extremely rebellious right now, which is kind of scaring me, but it's also oddly revitalizing.
I'm thinking of setting new goals and incorporate these into the goals. I don't have a scale right now, so I'll have to wait a couple days and sneak out and get one. Who knows, maybe I've already hit goal 1?

105: haircut...side bangs, choppy layers?
100: dye hair brown...if I still want to by then that is :/ (I'd really like to, but as I have such a unique...and apparently envied...natural hair colour, I'm terrified it won't come back 100%)
95: tattoo on hip...either stars or a funky heart. not sure if I want back or front though
90: belly button piercing
85: try weed. just once.
80: umm...happiness? chyeah right. Maybe I'll just settle for quitting my shitty job and getting an eyebrow piercing. I've always wanted one but we aren't allowed to have them where I work.

oh yeah, and the other day I told someone I'm 5'3.5"...which is understating (I thought I was 5'3.75"), and was told upright that I can't be taller than 5'2", 5'2.5" max. ugh I wish I had a tape measure here so I can find out for myself.

I'm fat.

That's all I have to say. I don't even care to write about how much I hate my lack of control or how I'm going to make a diet plan for the next 10 days.
It's useless because I'm a worthless piece of shit who deserves...well, nothing.
I fucking hate my life.
That is all. Peace out.

The nights are always the worst.

This morning, I woke up and, like every other morning this month, I looked in the mirror and wanted to be better. I imagined the girls I'd seen in pictures depicting anorexia and the girls who suffered from anorexia on Intervention that I watched a couple nights ago and realized I DON'T want to end up like that. It's not beautiful- it's sick. I looked at myself and saw potential for beauty- I mean, I acknowledged that I'm not completely unfortunate-looking- but I can be so beautiful, but that requires heading down a path that feels so impossible. But, after I eat my first meal, all I want is more food: chocolate, crackers, cheese, donuts, more, more, more! I can't stop myself. At some point, and I haven't figured out when this occurs, my mind clicks out of 'recovery-wanting' and back into self-loathing and wanting nothing but thinness and wanting to eat no food. I realize I suck at explaining it- but I myself haven't figured this out. So after I binge, I go in the shower and purge. Today, I broke down and started crying after I dry heaved a thousand times and coughed, and was only able to throw up probably around 1/3 cup or less of the food. Then, as I was spitting out the excess saliva, I saw blood and didn't know if it may have been from scratching my throat or if something tore, yet I was more worried about the food still in my stomach. I wanted, nay, I WANT it out. I stared down at my fat, disgusting blob of a body and HATED it. Just two months ago, my stomach was flat and my thighs ALMOST satisfactory. Now...just, no.
Then, my mom came into my room after my shower and I was SURE she heard me, because I wasn't able to keep the noise down. But I was so desperate I didn't care. I still don't know if she heard me. But I was in a really down mood and she just kept asking questions because she hasn't really seen me in a couple of days, and I'm off tomorrow to house-sit for my grandpa 1/2 an hour away for a week. But I was grumpy and hating myself that I just snapped at her whenever she tried to talk, and I saw the sad look in her eyes when she asked me if I'm okay and if she did something wrong. But I just snapped I'm tired and don't want a million questions and she went to her room. I'm pretty sure I made her cry. What is wrong with me? Why am I so horrible to people I love?
I don't only hate myself physically now, but I also just hate myself in general. I'm a horrible, mean, selfish, fat, ugly, disgusting, disgraceful slob.
I'm tired of hating myself at the end of every day. I've completely lost all sense of control over everything I eat, do, say to people, and even THINK.
It feels the only thing I can do to gain control is to not eat. Whether I want recovery or not, because I know that at the end of the day I'm just going to hate myself unless I've starved. So tomorrow I'm going to fight to be able to love myself again by NOT eating. I wish it didn't have to be that way, but unfortunately for me...it does.
Just remember: food does nothing for you but make you hate yourself. Why do you keep eating it? Think about how you feel while eating and after eating. Are you satisfied? No. Was it worth it? No. Fight your cravings: they're nothing. You can't let them control you.
If only my 3G cell phone wasn't broken so I could read this whenever I feel like eating and remind myself that despite what I try to convince myself, all it will lead to is guilt and pain and hate.
Also...my eyesight keeps getting worse and I keep getting headaches :( My glasses aren't working as great as they used to...and don't even get me started on my contacts :/
So, I'm getting up in 6 hours so peace out.

WARNING: TRIGGERING

I should be sleeping... I have to go to work in 7 hours :(
But I had to write when I came home from babysitting, because the last 2 months have been in the shitter.
WARNING, THIS IS TRIGGERING:Recently, I've been going through the same thing each day: I wake up, think: I think I'll attempt to eat healthy today, take my sad attempt at recovery, and by 3 pm I come home after eating a couple veggies at school and binge on chocolates. By 10 I'm sitting at my computer, feeling fat and disgusting and hating my stupid self and promising tomorrow will be better. Then, it's repeat.
Well, the other day was no different. When I came home I had like 2 dozen hershey's caramel kisses, a sandwich, tons of crackers, and a bowl of cereal, all within 20 minutes of coming home from work. So, when I took my shower, I looked down and hated what I saw and just wanted to curl into a ball. So I did. Then...I stuck my finger down my throat. Now, up until that point, I've tried countless desperate times to purge with no success and I had given up on the vomiting thing. But at that very low moment, I felt it just HAD to be out of me. So...somehow...I finally got something up. It felt...amazing. But I didn't know how I did it (with making only a tiny sound, too), so I tried again and figured I have to wiggle my finger a certain way...and gag a couple of times before... well... I vomited a total of 6 times in that shower. I'm lucky I stopped at six; I honestly just wanted to keep going.
So today, I came home and my dad and sister wanted to go to Montana's steakhouse for supper, so I ate a veggie burger and a couple of fries and went to the washroom to purge...BUT I COULDN'T DO IT! I wiggled my finger, moved it around, got very close, but nothing came out. I felt horrible. Well, my eyes were puffy and red and teary, but it was really dark in the washroom so I just waited in there for like 5 minutes before going back out, and my sister asked me if I'm all right (ahemm...no I'm not, thanks for asking.) And I was so paranoid they could see on my face what I was doing...or trying to do. Anyway, I came back to the table to find THE FRICKING DESSERT MENU... and then when they ordered this giant fucking cookie with ice cream and caramel sauce for us to share...they ate 3 bites and had me finish it! WHAT THE FUCK...
luckily, the meal gave me diarrhea so I don't feel as bad.
Anywhoo...I don't know what the point of this post was... basically I'm just informing the world that I'm currently pissed off that my body doesn't want to purge. :/
Well, I'mma go sleep now so peace out.

ABC DAY 2 FAIL

I had a horrible migrane since 7 pm last night. So after being up in pain all night, feeling sick to my stomach and feeling like my head will explode, I got up at 11 am and ate to get rid of it. But I couldn't stop. The calorie limit today was 500, and I'm sure I'm up to 8-900. So I'm done eating for the day...at 1pm, which is really going to suck. Tomorrow's limit is 300, so I'll chop it down to 200.
Plan for tomorrow (since not having a plan is sure to lead to failure):
Breakfast: wake up at 6:30 and have 1 rice cake and 1 jello (40) and a cup of coffee

Lunch: 1 fruit bar (40)

Supper: salad (20)

snack: 19 crackers (100)
total: 200

tomorrow will be better

HAPPY NEW YEAR!

My resolutions for 2011:
1) LOSE WEIGHT: Get down to 80lbs by July, maybe 75 by 2012
2) Keep straight A's, keep scholarship
3) Be nicer to people. No gossiping, no being dramatic
4) Get closer to the family
5) Be more affectionate/spend more time with pets
6) Save money
7) Sleep more
8) Party more...have more fun!
9) put myself 'out there' more...take more risks...I pretty much live in a shell.
10) Give relationships a shot... don't spend next new year alone!

My cousin Jessie and I made a challenge to eat no junk food (EVER), and first who does owes the loser $20. I really hope this helps me with my ABC that I'm restarting today. Once a month, we're getting together and having a movie night where we can indulge in our month-long cravings, but that's it. Our families know about this, so they'll be our spies. This also gives me a reason to not eat in front of my family (and takes away the excuse of eating out, etc.)
I also helped her dye her hair tonight...now I'm kind of thinking I want to get the courage to try dying my hair brown by the end of the year. I've wanted to for so long, but I love my colour and I get so many compliments, and I'm afraid since it's so light and I want to dye it really dark, that it will never come back :/
Anywhoo... today...ABC day 1...
Jess wanted me to go over today and make a 'healthy' meal with her, but I was afraid that it would go over my daily calorie intake, and I couldn't tell her that. She doesn't know about this part of my life, andI'd like to keep it that way. Her father already tells me enough that I need to eat more... :/ So I just said it's my day off and I want to sleeeeep.
Well, I'm actually tired now...so peace out.

(soo excited for ABC!!)