Thursday, July 29, 2010
Wednesday, July 28, 2010
Bummer day countdown
Okay, so what that means is that I've decided to just go completely crazy over the next few days and not count calories!
The reason being is that I'm starting the ABC diet on Sunday (for sure now), and I don't want to get bored and give up the first week, so I'm going to do what I want until Saturday evening. Obviously, it's not an excuse to pig out and by a fattie. I REFUSE to stick that crap in my mouth. But until then, no matter how much it kills me, I won't count calories and *hope* I stay under 800 (my everyday limit). However, that's 3 days away and chances are I'm going to freak myself out and enter a fast or start the diet early. However, I feel like not counting cals for a couple days is the best chance of me succesfully getting started, and with a good start, I'll definitely reach the finish.
So today, I'm not even going to say what I had ;).
----------
On another note: my dad is driving me crazy.
He's always been overweight, but lately (within the past year or so), he's been acting all fitness guru and pretending he's better than me. As if. I hate it. Whenever I talk to him, he always mentions the latest exercise he did or the new organic veggies he put in the fridge. I'm all for getting healthy, but he does it in the way that sounds more like "Hey, I'm such a fitness fanatic. I'm better than you are." Lord knows the veggies sit there and rot unless I choose to eat them, and what he says was a 'good run' was a 10 minute walk with a few moments of jogging. I hate how he thinks he's better than everyone else because he put a few minutes of actual movement into his day and wasted money on health food he'll never eat. Does he realize that the fact that he's not lost a pound show that none of this is serious? AND he now reads Shakespeare and listens to classical music since he got his new girlfriend. STOP FUCKING PRETENDING. And the funny part is: HE THINKS HE'S BETTER THAN ME. Ah, that's rich. Has he seen me? His *almost* perfect daughter? No, he's too wrapped up in his own little thoughts that he can't see what right in front of him. Hey, dad, you're daughter is starving herself in her quest to be perfect for you people. Oh, you just got through the first page of Taming of the Shrew? That's lovely...Did I mention you're daughter spends every minute of the day judging and tormenting herself and spends as much time on pro-ana sites as she does attempting to purge the shit you fed her? Oh, you're going biking...How nice...be sure to get some diet coke while you're out.
Oh yeah, did I mention I finished thinandbeautiful.com? Not triggering at all, which is kinda what I like in a proana book, and the conclusion was really fast, but it was a really good concept and I'd definitely recommend it.
The reason being is that I'm starting the ABC diet on Sunday (for sure now), and I don't want to get bored and give up the first week, so I'm going to do what I want until Saturday evening. Obviously, it's not an excuse to pig out and by a fattie. I REFUSE to stick that crap in my mouth. But until then, no matter how much it kills me, I won't count calories and *hope* I stay under 800 (my everyday limit). However, that's 3 days away and chances are I'm going to freak myself out and enter a fast or start the diet early. However, I feel like not counting cals for a couple days is the best chance of me succesfully getting started, and with a good start, I'll definitely reach the finish.
So today, I'm not even going to say what I had ;).
----------
On another note: my dad is driving me crazy.
He's always been overweight, but lately (within the past year or so), he's been acting all fitness guru and pretending he's better than me. As if. I hate it. Whenever I talk to him, he always mentions the latest exercise he did or the new organic veggies he put in the fridge. I'm all for getting healthy, but he does it in the way that sounds more like "Hey, I'm such a fitness fanatic. I'm better than you are." Lord knows the veggies sit there and rot unless I choose to eat them, and what he says was a 'good run' was a 10 minute walk with a few moments of jogging. I hate how he thinks he's better than everyone else because he put a few minutes of actual movement into his day and wasted money on health food he'll never eat. Does he realize that the fact that he's not lost a pound show that none of this is serious? AND he now reads Shakespeare and listens to classical music since he got his new girlfriend. STOP FUCKING PRETENDING. And the funny part is: HE THINKS HE'S BETTER THAN ME. Ah, that's rich. Has he seen me? His *almost* perfect daughter? No, he's too wrapped up in his own little thoughts that he can't see what right in front of him. Hey, dad, you're daughter is starving herself in her quest to be perfect for you people. Oh, you just got through the first page of Taming of the Shrew? That's lovely...Did I mention you're daughter spends every minute of the day judging and tormenting herself and spends as much time on pro-ana sites as she does attempting to purge the shit you fed her? Oh, you're going biking...How nice...be sure to get some diet coke while you're out.
Oh yeah, did I mention I finished thinandbeautiful.com? Not triggering at all, which is kinda what I like in a proana book, and the conclusion was really fast, but it was a really good concept and I'd definitely recommend it.
Tuesday, July 27, 2010
Best day this week...well, it's only been 3 days
There's nothing like getting up early and spending the whole day cleaning. I cleaned my room (and it was a disaster, so that's saying a lot), did laundry (clothes, bedding, towels, and bathroom mats), swept, mopped, and vacuumed every surface visible, cleaned my bunny's cage, cleaned and disinfected the kitchen counters, stovetop, and microwave. I even got on my hands and knees to scrub the floors. Lots of work today, now I'm exhausted :) Mommy will be proud
And the best part is, all I've had today: water + diet coke :)
ZERO CALORIES IN, 1609 CALORIES OUT!! (calculated at http://www.healthstatus.com/calculate/cbc )
Aha, I feel so good :)
However, I did really want to bake some brownies for my mom and her boyfriend. My mom would be amazingly surprised to walk in the door and see everything amazingly clean and also have fresh brownies on the counter, but I know that if I make them then I'll want to eat them. I also know that mom may eat like 1 brownie, so I'd feel like I'll have to eat the rest within the next few days/week. :( Stupid brownies with your huge amount of stupid calories.
EDIT:
Okay, I definitely spoke to soon. Again with the good news/bad news.
This time, I'll start with the good: I made it through a 24 hour fast :)
Bad: what I had aimed to be a zero calorie day turned into probably a 600 calorie day. My mom came home around 8 and asked what I had for supper, and I said meatless meatballs. I'm so stupid. Guess what she did? Checked the freezer and sure enough the bag was in there...unopened. Ugh, I'm so dumb. So she was like "oh really, then why is the bag still sealed?" so I just told her that I hadn't eaten supper yet, and then I grabbed the bag and made 8, the perfect amount the get her off my back. But then she sat there and watched me eat them all. 300 calories (not including the ketchup...those things are too dry to go down without it). On top of that, once I got going, I couldn't stop. I had 4 cookies (220) and a bowl of chips (countless). Obviously I must've gone well over 600. I'm such a failure. On the bright side, at least I burned a lot today in house work. Tomorrow's a new day <3
Goal for tomorrow: 300. SOLID.
On Monday (maybe saturday or sunday, we'll see) I'm going to start the ABC diet, or the SGDiet, I haven't decided yet. I don't like how in the SGD, calories from fruits/veggies don't count, and there's only 1 fasting day. Definitely too leniant. I'll likely do the ABC diet. AND my mom's buying an elliptical! :) yay
And the best part is, all I've had today: water + diet coke :)
ZERO CALORIES IN, 1609 CALORIES OUT!! (calculated at http://www.healthstatus.com/calculate/cbc )
Aha, I feel so good :)
However, I did really want to bake some brownies for my mom and her boyfriend. My mom would be amazingly surprised to walk in the door and see everything amazingly clean and also have fresh brownies on the counter, but I know that if I make them then I'll want to eat them. I also know that mom may eat like 1 brownie, so I'd feel like I'll have to eat the rest within the next few days/week. :( Stupid brownies with your huge amount of stupid calories.
EDIT:
Okay, I definitely spoke to soon. Again with the good news/bad news.
This time, I'll start with the good: I made it through a 24 hour fast :)
Bad: what I had aimed to be a zero calorie day turned into probably a 600 calorie day. My mom came home around 8 and asked what I had for supper, and I said meatless meatballs. I'm so stupid. Guess what she did? Checked the freezer and sure enough the bag was in there...unopened. Ugh, I'm so dumb. So she was like "oh really, then why is the bag still sealed?" so I just told her that I hadn't eaten supper yet, and then I grabbed the bag and made 8, the perfect amount the get her off my back. But then she sat there and watched me eat them all. 300 calories (not including the ketchup...those things are too dry to go down without it). On top of that, once I got going, I couldn't stop. I had 4 cookies (220) and a bowl of chips (countless). Obviously I must've gone well over 600. I'm such a failure. On the bright side, at least I burned a lot today in house work. Tomorrow's a new day <3
Goal for tomorrow: 300. SOLID.
On Monday (maybe saturday or sunday, we'll see) I'm going to start the ABC diet, or the SGDiet, I haven't decided yet. I don't like how in the SGD, calories from fruits/veggies don't count, and there's only 1 fasting day. Definitely too leniant. I'll likely do the ABC diet. AND my mom's buying an elliptical! :) yay
Monday, July 26, 2010
Today was bad... here goes nothing...
- Tim's egg and cheese...on a biscuit :( sorry body for the extra 100 cals 360
- Tim's chocolate milk (small) ~160
- small Tim's ice cap with butter caramel flavour shot. 250 + 4 (note: next time ask for it with milk, save 100 cals)
- 5 cookies 300
- 1 granola bar 140
- grilled cheese sandwich: 2 slices bread 140 2 slices cheese 120 ~2 tsp margarine ~40
- 2 tbsp ketchup 30
- 1/2 cup 1% milk 50
- 1 cup apple juice ~120
Total: 1714
OMFG OMFG OMFG If I had known it would be this high, I would not have eaten this much! I tried to purge again today, but I just could not physically do it. WHYYYYYY?!? ACK.
Tomorrow: 200 MAX. I'll fill myself up on rice cakes and veggies all day, then on wednesday I'll go up to 300 until friday. I can't believe I let myself get like that today. WTF.
On the bright side, I've gotten extra nourishment and should feel better this week... ?
I hate my life.
EDIT: Now I'm hungry :/ How is it that yesterday, with like 200 calories I felt stuffed by the time I went to bed, but now I've nearly multiplied that by 10, and my stomach is growwwwwling? And I've been drinking water nonstop to make it go away, but it's not thirst.
I hate my body.
- Tim's egg and cheese...on a biscuit :( sorry body for the extra 100 cals 360
- Tim's chocolate milk (small) ~160
- small Tim's ice cap with butter caramel flavour shot. 250 + 4 (note: next time ask for it with milk, save 100 cals)
- 5 cookies 300
- 1 granola bar 140
- grilled cheese sandwich: 2 slices bread 140 2 slices cheese 120 ~2 tsp margarine ~40
- 2 tbsp ketchup 30
- 1/2 cup 1% milk 50
- 1 cup apple juice ~120
Total: 1714
OMFG OMFG OMFG If I had known it would be this high, I would not have eaten this much! I tried to purge again today, but I just could not physically do it. WHYYYYYY?!? ACK.
Tomorrow: 200 MAX. I'll fill myself up on rice cakes and veggies all day, then on wednesday I'll go up to 300 until friday. I can't believe I let myself get like that today. WTF.
On the bright side, I've gotten extra nourishment and should feel better this week... ?
I hate my life.
EDIT: Now I'm hungry :/ How is it that yesterday, with like 200 calories I felt stuffed by the time I went to bed, but now I've nearly multiplied that by 10, and my stomach is growwwwwling? And I've been drinking water nonstop to make it go away, but it's not thirst.
I hate my body.
Sunday, July 25, 2010
YUSS!!
Today was great :)
Worked 7-2, on my break I had apple slices, and I haven't eaten anything until now- I'm slowly making my way through a specialk granola bar. So far:
apple slices (40)
granola bar (90)
I'm considering wether or not to have something with protein and/or calcium in it. I try to everyday, since it's what I really need in my diet. I'm currently researching low-cal high protein things to eat, but I may just make myself an egg.
I am in bliss... :) More to come if I eat more, but so far I'm at 130! :)
EDIT: ugh, I feel so stuffed now.. :/
I ate less than half a vegetarian sausage and about 1 tsp of ketchup = ~90 cals
Not bad calorie count, but I feel pretty full. I hate this feeling. :(
Total for the day (and hopefully that's it- but I am going to bed soon so that's likely it)= 220 calories. Not bad, not bad
Tomorrow's going to be a lot higher, for sure. I'm thinking around 600
I'm going to tim horton's in the morning (like usual) and since I've done so well in my course and I've lost 5 pounds, I thought as a celebration I'd have my favourite thing in the world: egg and cheese breakfast sandwich. Did you know that if you got it on an english muffin rather than the biscuit, you save 100 calories? Definitely going to do that. It's still 260, though. BUT, I will only eat one thing (granola bar- 120) until I get home around 6, and then I'm planning to have 5 vegetarian meatballs (160 i think) 1 tbsp ketchup (20) and 2 cookies (120 i think lol...I may just have one). Sometime throughout the day, I'll have 1 glass of milk, probably get one at timmy's so I can get a better calorie count. They don't have it listed on the website, so I'll have to see.
Total for tomorrow, so far: 680 + milk.
And the milk is probably around 120 :S maybe I'll skip on the granola bar and/or cookies.
Worked 7-2, on my break I had apple slices, and I haven't eaten anything until now- I'm slowly making my way through a specialk granola bar. So far:
apple slices (40)
granola bar (90)
I'm considering wether or not to have something with protein and/or calcium in it. I try to everyday, since it's what I really need in my diet. I'm currently researching low-cal high protein things to eat, but I may just make myself an egg.
I am in bliss... :) More to come if I eat more, but so far I'm at 130! :)
EDIT: ugh, I feel so stuffed now.. :/
I ate less than half a vegetarian sausage and about 1 tsp of ketchup = ~90 cals
Not bad calorie count, but I feel pretty full. I hate this feeling. :(
Total for the day (and hopefully that's it- but I am going to bed soon so that's likely it)= 220 calories. Not bad, not bad
Tomorrow's going to be a lot higher, for sure. I'm thinking around 600
I'm going to tim horton's in the morning (like usual) and since I've done so well in my course and I've lost 5 pounds, I thought as a celebration I'd have my favourite thing in the world: egg and cheese breakfast sandwich. Did you know that if you got it on an english muffin rather than the biscuit, you save 100 calories? Definitely going to do that. It's still 260, though. BUT, I will only eat one thing (granola bar- 120) until I get home around 6, and then I'm planning to have 5 vegetarian meatballs (160 i think) 1 tbsp ketchup (20) and 2 cookies (120 i think lol...I may just have one). Sometime throughout the day, I'll have 1 glass of milk, probably get one at timmy's so I can get a better calorie count. They don't have it listed on the website, so I'll have to see.
Total for tomorrow, so far: 680 + milk.
And the milk is probably around 120 :S maybe I'll skip on the granola bar and/or cookies.
Saturday, July 24, 2010
The good and the bad
I guess I'll start with the bad...doesn't everyone just like to get it over with?
I thought I discovered a good trick that would cause absolutely no suspicions...no, it was a great trick. I credited myself upon achieving the best idea in the history of ideas. It was a sneaky little plan that went a little like this:
Look through the fridges, acting frustrated because I don't want to eat any of the 'health foods' we have, tell dad that I'm really craving pizza. Knowing he'd do it - not to try to fatten me up, but he always does that (buy fatty foods, I mean) for his kids. We all know he loves them, but is too proud to do it himself so he waits until we ask for them to go and buy them, all the while complaining. It was so easy. I got him to get me a cheese pizza and a diet coke. While he was gone, I went to my room and fell asleep. I knew he wouldn't have the heart- or the guts- to wake me after the stressful week I had. So when he got home, he and my sister and brother ate the pizza and he put me coke in the fridge. I figured they'd eat all/most of it and put the leftovers in the fridge, and he'd assume I came to eat a slice throughout the night so long as I moved the plate and tampered with the saran wrap. Genius, eh?
Nope.
I guess I completely forgot about two things: 1. My dad and siblings usually order a second, meaty pizza for themselves 2. I've been raised to feel extremely guilty about wasting food.
So, the next day I worked early and was surprised to see that my dad was already up. While he was driving me to work, I bitched at him for not waking me up for supper (extra points on the scheme ;) ) Then, he told me there's an entired, untouched pizza still on the counter with my name on it. The whole time at work, I thought about the pizza, not knowing what to do with it, but knowing too well I couldn't waste it. So, I decided that when I got home, I'd eat a slice. And I did. Too bad I don't have a good gag reflex; I tried to purge, but all that happen was my eyes started to well up and nothing came out. GAH!!!
Calories for the day:
- apple slices [not the whole apple] (30)
- slice of cheese pizza (I wouldn't know, but I'd guess around 400)
- granola bar (140)
Total for the day: 570
:( My goal for the day was 400
Goal for tomorrow: 300, I must correct it.
Anyway, on to the good news: I'm back to 104! :) I'm now on my way to perfection again!
And more good news: I went to chapters and got an ED book: thinandbeautiful.com
It's pretty good so far, I just wish there was more triggers and stuff. I was going to read "Stick Figure", which apparently is very triggering, but I have no interest in reading about an eleven year old's battle with anorexia- something about anorexia and preteens just doesn't match up in my mind.
I thought I discovered a good trick that would cause absolutely no suspicions...no, it was a great trick. I credited myself upon achieving the best idea in the history of ideas. It was a sneaky little plan that went a little like this:
Look through the fridges, acting frustrated because I don't want to eat any of the 'health foods' we have, tell dad that I'm really craving pizza. Knowing he'd do it - not to try to fatten me up, but he always does that (buy fatty foods, I mean) for his kids. We all know he loves them, but is too proud to do it himself so he waits until we ask for them to go and buy them, all the while complaining. It was so easy. I got him to get me a cheese pizza and a diet coke. While he was gone, I went to my room and fell asleep. I knew he wouldn't have the heart- or the guts- to wake me after the stressful week I had. So when he got home, he and my sister and brother ate the pizza and he put me coke in the fridge. I figured they'd eat all/most of it and put the leftovers in the fridge, and he'd assume I came to eat a slice throughout the night so long as I moved the plate and tampered with the saran wrap. Genius, eh?
Nope.
I guess I completely forgot about two things: 1. My dad and siblings usually order a second, meaty pizza for themselves 2. I've been raised to feel extremely guilty about wasting food.
So, the next day I worked early and was surprised to see that my dad was already up. While he was driving me to work, I bitched at him for not waking me up for supper (extra points on the scheme ;) ) Then, he told me there's an entired, untouched pizza still on the counter with my name on it. The whole time at work, I thought about the pizza, not knowing what to do with it, but knowing too well I couldn't waste it. So, I decided that when I got home, I'd eat a slice. And I did. Too bad I don't have a good gag reflex; I tried to purge, but all that happen was my eyes started to well up and nothing came out. GAH!!!
Calories for the day:
- apple slices [not the whole apple] (30)
- slice of cheese pizza (I wouldn't know, but I'd guess around 400)
- granola bar (140)
Total for the day: 570
:( My goal for the day was 400
Goal for tomorrow: 300, I must correct it.
Anyway, on to the good news: I'm back to 104! :) I'm now on my way to perfection again!
And more good news: I went to chapters and got an ED book: thinandbeautiful.com
It's pretty good so far, I just wish there was more triggers and stuff. I was going to read "Stick Figure", which apparently is very triggering, but I have no interest in reading about an eleven year old's battle with anorexia- something about anorexia and preteens just doesn't match up in my mind.
Friday, July 23, 2010
Stress :(
So I took a reach ahead course this summer. 3 weeks and 110 hours of instruction for one course. Long, boring, and a lot of work. And we had a heat wave. My headaches were getting horrible, so I'd eat to get rid of them. I should have just drank a lot more water, cuz I'm almost back up to 108. fml. I definitely feel much fatter.
Good thing is, I wrote my exam today so I'm getting back on track. This makes me worry though, that I showed this weakness in a time of stress. I can't believe I broke like that. What if I break again in the middle of the school year? It's probably going to be much more stressful with work, volunteering, 3-4 subjects, etc. How am I going to stay strong?
I've been thinking of getting into the "ED Literature", maybe I'll find some triggers. I read Wintergirls a while ago and it was pretty good, but really basic. Plus, all the wanarexics at my school read it. How do I know this? My school had a reading event thingy, and you'd have to submit the name of the books you read throughout the year and some company would donate money to the food bank according to how much we read, and they posted some of the titles of the books... Wintergirls was posted 10 times, which means at least 30 people would have had to submit it. I guess everyone wants a piece of this... here, you can take it.
Good thing is, I wrote my exam today so I'm getting back on track. This makes me worry though, that I showed this weakness in a time of stress. I can't believe I broke like that. What if I break again in the middle of the school year? It's probably going to be much more stressful with work, volunteering, 3-4 subjects, etc. How am I going to stay strong?
I've been thinking of getting into the "ED Literature", maybe I'll find some triggers. I read Wintergirls a while ago and it was pretty good, but really basic. Plus, all the wanarexics at my school read it. How do I know this? My school had a reading event thingy, and you'd have to submit the name of the books you read throughout the year and some company would donate money to the food bank according to how much we read, and they posted some of the titles of the books... Wintergirls was posted 10 times, which means at least 30 people would have had to submit it. I guess everyone wants a piece of this... here, you can take it.
Wednesday, July 14, 2010
Birthday week
Aha, what a wild birthday this was!
On Monday (my 17th birthday!) I had to go to summer school for a course that I couldn't fit in next week. As a summer baby, I was not too thrilled about having to spend my birthday at school for the first time ever- from 8 until 4, and all one boring subject! Yuck. By the time I got home, I was ready to just relax. All I wanted was to read my book and go to sleep (yes, a nice celebration, right? :P ) But my dad decided to barbeque (what a great birthday dinner for a vegetarian.) and get me an ice cream cake from dairy queen. Then, since I've just moved into my mom's, she decided that Monday was the day to bring over my cat that I'd left at my dad's. great idea: it peed on me the moment we got in the car, so I sat there with pee on me for half an hour. The car still reeks. Then I bathed her and got scratches all over me. While I was in the shower, the cat decided to barf on my bed. Oh freaking joy. Then I had to stay up late to do homework. Sigh, what a 'relaxing' birthday. And to top it all off: I got my period in the morning, so I was cranky and crampy all day. (Yes, I still do have my period. Well, not still. I started eating more earlier this year and it decided to come back, but is extremely irregular). Plus, the guy who likes me gave me 3 huge boxes of chocolate covered raisins, and my mom is taking me out to get a white chocolate brownie tomorrow like we do for all my birthdays...How am I going to manage not to look like a blimp by friday?
On Monday (my 17th birthday!) I had to go to summer school for a course that I couldn't fit in next week. As a summer baby, I was not too thrilled about having to spend my birthday at school for the first time ever- from 8 until 4, and all one boring subject! Yuck. By the time I got home, I was ready to just relax. All I wanted was to read my book and go to sleep (yes, a nice celebration, right? :P ) But my dad decided to barbeque (what a great birthday dinner for a vegetarian.) and get me an ice cream cake from dairy queen. Then, since I've just moved into my mom's, she decided that Monday was the day to bring over my cat that I'd left at my dad's. great idea: it peed on me the moment we got in the car, so I sat there with pee on me for half an hour. The car still reeks. Then I bathed her and got scratches all over me. While I was in the shower, the cat decided to barf on my bed. Oh freaking joy. Then I had to stay up late to do homework. Sigh, what a 'relaxing' birthday. And to top it all off: I got my period in the morning, so I was cranky and crampy all day. (Yes, I still do have my period. Well, not still. I started eating more earlier this year and it decided to come back, but is extremely irregular). Plus, the guy who likes me gave me 3 huge boxes of chocolate covered raisins, and my mom is taking me out to get a white chocolate brownie tomorrow like we do for all my birthdays...How am I going to manage not to look like a blimp by friday?
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