Okay, so I'm doing a bit better now since Turbo passed away, as is Tibby. We both still really miss her. I kind of want to get another cat around her age because it feels so quiet and lonely now, but I feel it's too soon and I don't want to simply 'replace' her.
Mom cleaned up my bathroom over the weekend, which made me upset because the towels on the floor still had Turbo's body print on them from when she'd lie on them, and I could even still see her fur on them. I was sad because I wasn't quite ready to let go of her that way, and when I told mom I knew she felt guilty. Everyone knows how much I love my pets. My grief proves that I love them as much as I'd love a human being.
Well, my faith has been refound. I wish we had a bible to I could actually read it, but I'll have to find one maybe when I'm in town on Wednesday.
Also, my weight issues did not go away. Although I did find a bit of light about what types of bodies were realistic and what actually looks good, I still hate my body. I understand I'm not 'fat', but I know I could stand to lose a few. I signed up to go to the new water park, Calypso, with work on August 31. I have two weeks to get a slamming body. Me+ bathing suit= ?
I feel frustrated at home now. I feel bored. Just plain bored. Not from actually having nothing to do, because there are plenty of things to do. No, I'm bored of life. Have you ever been so bored of life that you actually constanstly feel frustrated? I don't know why I feel frustrated, or what I feel frustrated at/about, but I just know that I am. I don't know what to do, so I've been filling the void with food. Ick, not good. I've made some new goals so I can change my ways again:
lose 10 lbs by 1st day of school (sep 7)
stick to this routine:
breakfast- toast with a bit of jam, cereal, or fruit
lunch- salad
supper- protein + veggies + a whole grain on some days (ex: veggie chicken with whole grain rice and vegetable medley)
snacks: fruit, veggies, 90 cal special k bar
always have a glass of milk at some point throughout the day
Let's try not to fail this time, please.
Tuesday, August 17, 2010
Thursday, August 5, 2010
I fail at this
Well, a tragedy has occurred over the past couple of days. I've decided to quit the ABC diet...well, just postpone it indefinitely. I'll still restrict, but I know I'll be bingeing a bit more because I've been more depressed than ever. I don't want the stress of not getting the calories I want on top of that. Well, I'll just post the journal entries I made while the internet was out after the storm. It's pretty long:
Wednesday August 4, 2010
10:35 pm
Mom came home from Petawawa earlier than she was supposed to. Actually, I was going to stay at dad’s for a night because I’m taking care of the boys tomorrow, but I ended up here because I heard some really bad news.
I guess the bad storm that hit today really affected C-Bay, and a tree branch slammed against my bedroom window. There was no damage, but it really freaked out my cats. We don’t know what happened, but my mom’s boyfriend came home to find one of them dead. Turbo. My Turbo. My baby. They guess that it scared her (she’s always afraid of thunder and loud noises- so it could have been the storm or it could have been the tree branch) and she had a heart attack. I actually hope that’s what happened, because then the pain would be minimized and she would have died instantly. My poor baby. I guess the fur on one side of her face was all matted from where my cat had licked her, knowing something was wrong. They’ve spent eight years together- I know they truly loved each other. They were inseparable.
When my mom told me, I burst into tears; I couldn’t move, I couldn’t speak, and now I don’t want to eat more than ever. I feel so sick right now. I was supposed to be there! I know that I may not have been able to save her- but what if? I was supposed to be home! I could have comforted her. I could have pet her, and she would know it was okay. Cats are smarter than we give them credit for, they have feelings.
Now I’m feeling guilty for everything- for not giving her enough attention, for moving her out here. She was a needy cat, really loved pets and attention, but I often didn’t give her enough loving because of something as silly as her fur that was a little bit greasy. Why was I so selfish? She should have been at dad’s. But no. I had to move them out here. She would be fine if she had stayed at dad’s. I can’t stop crying- she was everything to me and Tibby, and she was too young to die. She hadn’t had a lifetime of loving yet. Tibby was apparently under my bed the whole afternoon and only came out when I got home. He’s been laying with me since- I think he knows she’s dead. But it’s heartbreaking to see him shoot up every couple of minutes and look around- the way he does when he hears Turbo enter the room or when he hears her playing outside the door. My poor baby- as I was writing this, he lept up from where he was sleeping on my chest and his eyes darted to my door. He’s waiting for her. Here come more tears.
He’s alone now. We don’t know where Mio is- Shawn says she darted outside when he came home and she hasn’t come back yet. I haven’t heard her at the door either.
I’m just so glad Tibby and Boo are okay. I wish I can stay home with Tibby until I know he’ll be okay after the loss of his best friend- his soul mate. I know this sounds silly, but they are like children to me. I feel like I lost a part of me, and I’m worried about Tibby. I miss Turbo so much already. I couldn’t stand to see her body, so Shawn and mom are just going to burry her. I looked at a few of her pictures from facebook- I wish I could have held her when I had the chance. I didn’t even see her this morning. If I had known, I would have at least hugged her and pet her until my mom forced us apart. Tibby’s left my room now, probably searching for her again. I wish Mio would come home.
I’m sorry Turbo. I’m so so sorry.
Thursday, August-05-10 8:25 pm
Everything reminds me of her- the towels on the bathroom floor that she used to lie on, her fur still on most of them; my laptop’s power cord that she chewed; any patch of sunlight that enters the house, knowing she used to love to lie in it; the kitchen chairs that she’d sprawl across; my bed- her absolute favourite place, both on and under it; my clothes- she used to lie on them all the time, and I’d be annoyed to find her dark fur on all my clothes. And I bet if I go to dad’s and take the teddy bear off my fuzzy pink moon chair, and huge mass of her dark fur will be right in the fuzz of the chair. And all over my clothes on the floor in the closet. Oh what I’d give to have all that back. I didn’t love her enough. No, I didn’t show my love for her enough. I loved her all too much, which is the problem. Even my email and usernames remind me of her (tiiburbo= my two cats’ names, Tibby and Turbo). I don’t even have enough pictures of her. I’m now regretting not being there to bury her- it didn’t even occur to me that I would need it for closure and to say goodbye. I keep looking outside, thinking how cold it must be. I wish I had buried her in her favourite blanket and with some toys. I know this sounds completely crazy, but I haven’t accepted that she’s dead yet. I keep expecting her to start meowing her loud, annoying meow- the one that we all found utterly annoying, but I miss more than ever. I miss her running into my room the moment I come home and curling up with Tibby on my bed. I miss her being by my side wherever I go in the house. I didn’t want to bury her because I didn’t believe she was dead. Poor Tibby still hasn’t stopped looking for her. Mio came in earlier and starting meowing, and he jumped up and ran to her, but when he smelled her and realized it wasn’t Turbo, he came back, his head hung low. He hasn’t even left my side. My poor babies.
I didn’t think I would miss her this much. I cry probably five or six times a day. I keep imaging how she must have died. I worry that she was scared, lonely, and in pain. The neighbours said that when the branch hit the ground, the whole neighbourhood shook because it was so huge and actually came from across the street (which is about 100 feet away- so the wind would have been very strong). I worry that she was under my bed or something, and the shake startled her and she hit her head, or even worse- there are these stupid ornaments under my bed with very sharp parts to them, and I worry that she hit herself on one and cut herself and bleed to death. Mom did find some kind of dried stains on the floor beside the door that looked like blood. She was probably scared, in so much pain, and looking for someone to help her. WHY WASN’T I HERE? I’m so mad at myself for not being there and for moving them here in the first place; mad at Jenna for stealing my place at dad’s and forcing me here; mad at dad for nagging at me to take them here; mad at mom for having such an unsuitable house for the cats. My baby is dead because I just had to go and make a drama out of my life. WHY THE FUCK AM I SO SELFISH? I miss her so fucking much. I wish I had just pet her before I left on Wednesday. If only I had some kind of sign that she was okay up there. I read the rainbow poem about animals in the afterlife, playing with other animals’ spirits and waiting for their owners to come. It really makes me want to die sooner so I could be with her.
Since she passed, I’ve been more depressed than ever. What is the point to living if we’re all going to die anyway? I’ve always known that my pets were the only things keeping me alive. What happens when they all pass on? Who will keep me here then? What will stop me from finally ending it all? I don’t even think I’d stay here for my own mother. One thing is for sure: I have to make sure to live ‘sinlessly’ until I finally do die. I have to make sure that I do make it to heaven, if it does exist at all. I’m completely uncertain about it; I am not a religious person. Well, actually, I’m agnostic (unsure). But don’t I have to have true faith in order to make it to heaven? I don’t think God takes negotiations. I guess that means I have to do some soul searching. No more sins from now on. I think I’ll google sins, just to make sure I’m not sinning at all. I know that sounds juvenile, but I have to make sure I see my babies again one day.
If I starve myself to death, does it count as suicide?
I miss my baby. Tibby misses her too, and I miss the old days.
I’ll never stop loving you, Turbo.
Wednesday August 4, 2010
10:35 pm
Mom came home from Petawawa earlier than she was supposed to. Actually, I was going to stay at dad’s for a night because I’m taking care of the boys tomorrow, but I ended up here because I heard some really bad news.
I guess the bad storm that hit today really affected C-Bay, and a tree branch slammed against my bedroom window. There was no damage, but it really freaked out my cats. We don’t know what happened, but my mom’s boyfriend came home to find one of them dead. Turbo. My Turbo. My baby. They guess that it scared her (she’s always afraid of thunder and loud noises- so it could have been the storm or it could have been the tree branch) and she had a heart attack. I actually hope that’s what happened, because then the pain would be minimized and she would have died instantly. My poor baby. I guess the fur on one side of her face was all matted from where my cat had licked her, knowing something was wrong. They’ve spent eight years together- I know they truly loved each other. They were inseparable.
When my mom told me, I burst into tears; I couldn’t move, I couldn’t speak, and now I don’t want to eat more than ever. I feel so sick right now. I was supposed to be there! I know that I may not have been able to save her- but what if? I was supposed to be home! I could have comforted her. I could have pet her, and she would know it was okay. Cats are smarter than we give them credit for, they have feelings.
Now I’m feeling guilty for everything- for not giving her enough attention, for moving her out here. She was a needy cat, really loved pets and attention, but I often didn’t give her enough loving because of something as silly as her fur that was a little bit greasy. Why was I so selfish? She should have been at dad’s. But no. I had to move them out here. She would be fine if she had stayed at dad’s. I can’t stop crying- she was everything to me and Tibby, and she was too young to die. She hadn’t had a lifetime of loving yet. Tibby was apparently under my bed the whole afternoon and only came out when I got home. He’s been laying with me since- I think he knows she’s dead. But it’s heartbreaking to see him shoot up every couple of minutes and look around- the way he does when he hears Turbo enter the room or when he hears her playing outside the door. My poor baby- as I was writing this, he lept up from where he was sleeping on my chest and his eyes darted to my door. He’s waiting for her. Here come more tears.
He’s alone now. We don’t know where Mio is- Shawn says she darted outside when he came home and she hasn’t come back yet. I haven’t heard her at the door either.
I’m just so glad Tibby and Boo are okay. I wish I can stay home with Tibby until I know he’ll be okay after the loss of his best friend- his soul mate. I know this sounds silly, but they are like children to me. I feel like I lost a part of me, and I’m worried about Tibby. I miss Turbo so much already. I couldn’t stand to see her body, so Shawn and mom are just going to burry her. I looked at a few of her pictures from facebook- I wish I could have held her when I had the chance. I didn’t even see her this morning. If I had known, I would have at least hugged her and pet her until my mom forced us apart. Tibby’s left my room now, probably searching for her again. I wish Mio would come home.
I’m sorry Turbo. I’m so so sorry.
Thursday, August-05-10 8:25 pm
Everything reminds me of her- the towels on the bathroom floor that she used to lie on, her fur still on most of them; my laptop’s power cord that she chewed; any patch of sunlight that enters the house, knowing she used to love to lie in it; the kitchen chairs that she’d sprawl across; my bed- her absolute favourite place, both on and under it; my clothes- she used to lie on them all the time, and I’d be annoyed to find her dark fur on all my clothes. And I bet if I go to dad’s and take the teddy bear off my fuzzy pink moon chair, and huge mass of her dark fur will be right in the fuzz of the chair. And all over my clothes on the floor in the closet. Oh what I’d give to have all that back. I didn’t love her enough. No, I didn’t show my love for her enough. I loved her all too much, which is the problem. Even my email and usernames remind me of her (tiiburbo= my two cats’ names, Tibby and Turbo). I don’t even have enough pictures of her. I’m now regretting not being there to bury her- it didn’t even occur to me that I would need it for closure and to say goodbye. I keep looking outside, thinking how cold it must be. I wish I had buried her in her favourite blanket and with some toys. I know this sounds completely crazy, but I haven’t accepted that she’s dead yet. I keep expecting her to start meowing her loud, annoying meow- the one that we all found utterly annoying, but I miss more than ever. I miss her running into my room the moment I come home and curling up with Tibby on my bed. I miss her being by my side wherever I go in the house. I didn’t want to bury her because I didn’t believe she was dead. Poor Tibby still hasn’t stopped looking for her. Mio came in earlier and starting meowing, and he jumped up and ran to her, but when he smelled her and realized it wasn’t Turbo, he came back, his head hung low. He hasn’t even left my side. My poor babies.
I didn’t think I would miss her this much. I cry probably five or six times a day. I keep imaging how she must have died. I worry that she was scared, lonely, and in pain. The neighbours said that when the branch hit the ground, the whole neighbourhood shook because it was so huge and actually came from across the street (which is about 100 feet away- so the wind would have been very strong). I worry that she was under my bed or something, and the shake startled her and she hit her head, or even worse- there are these stupid ornaments under my bed with very sharp parts to them, and I worry that she hit herself on one and cut herself and bleed to death. Mom did find some kind of dried stains on the floor beside the door that looked like blood. She was probably scared, in so much pain, and looking for someone to help her. WHY WASN’T I HERE? I’m so mad at myself for not being there and for moving them here in the first place; mad at Jenna for stealing my place at dad’s and forcing me here; mad at dad for nagging at me to take them here; mad at mom for having such an unsuitable house for the cats. My baby is dead because I just had to go and make a drama out of my life. WHY THE FUCK AM I SO SELFISH? I miss her so fucking much. I wish I had just pet her before I left on Wednesday. If only I had some kind of sign that she was okay up there. I read the rainbow poem about animals in the afterlife, playing with other animals’ spirits and waiting for their owners to come. It really makes me want to die sooner so I could be with her.
Since she passed, I’ve been more depressed than ever. What is the point to living if we’re all going to die anyway? I’ve always known that my pets were the only things keeping me alive. What happens when they all pass on? Who will keep me here then? What will stop me from finally ending it all? I don’t even think I’d stay here for my own mother. One thing is for sure: I have to make sure to live ‘sinlessly’ until I finally do die. I have to make sure that I do make it to heaven, if it does exist at all. I’m completely uncertain about it; I am not a religious person. Well, actually, I’m agnostic (unsure). But don’t I have to have true faith in order to make it to heaven? I don’t think God takes negotiations. I guess that means I have to do some soul searching. No more sins from now on. I think I’ll google sins, just to make sure I’m not sinning at all. I know that sounds juvenile, but I have to make sure I see my babies again one day.
If I starve myself to death, does it count as suicide?
I miss my baby. Tibby misses her too, and I miss the old days.
I’ll never stop loving you, Turbo.
Wednesday, August 4, 2010
Day 4
Feeling Great; Feeling Strong. Capital G, capital S :)
today was so much better :) I had nothing until around 12:30 when I ate a 90 cal special k bar before my volunteering shift. During the shift, my stomach started grumbling so loud! Luckily, there was a thunder storm so I was able to hide it. Then we went grocery shopping- my dad bought so much junk! But I have done really well staying away from it, and I did buy a few low cal snack foods that should help with the cravings.
I'm so glad I was able to get over what happened yesterday. I don't know why it bothered me so much- I was in the shower for half an hour seriously about to cut myself- which I've never done before and really don't ever plan on starting. It was a stupid mistake- the problem is, I get so nervous around strangers that I don't know what to do or say so I'll just do whatever they tell me to do, and this guy was telling me to initial for my mom and tell this lady on the phone I was my mom so they could install something. So my dad came home and I told him what happened, he gave me hell for it and fixed everything. I'm so fucking stupid. See... life really would be better without me, would't it?
Today was a 400 cal day, and so far I have had:
- 90 cal bar (90, obviously)
- less than 1/2 cup brown rice with veggies and beans (1/2cup= 140)
- a couple chips (let's say...20?)
- I did have a piece of a brownie though :( (~100)
Total so far: 350
I am not baking until this is over- I just get upset that nobody's eating it and hate to see it go to waste. Or better yet, I'll make sure I only bake for special occasions- that is, holidays, family get togethers, etc so everyone will eat it :)
muahahahahahaha
Oh hey, did I mention I figured out an awesome way to keep from the kitchen? Mop. Get on your hands and knees and scrub the hell out of the tiles. Also, before that, completely disinfect EVERYTHING- counters, cupboards, appliances, etc. Now you have a squeaky clean kitchen, you burned lots and lots of calories, and you won't want to ruin it by eating and dropping crumbs everywhere :)
I do have another problem though: tomorrow is a 100 calorie day, and I'm watching my nephews (one is 3 and the other is 5) all day. That means, I'll be expected to make meals and snack for them, but can't eat myself. That wouldn't be a problem if the five year old didn't always ask me what I was eating or why I wasn't eating what they're eating. I just can't lie to the kid, so I always end up grabbing a small plate of whatever I make them. Tomorrow, I'll have to be strong and think of something, like 'I already ate' or something. 100 calorie days are never hard for me- but this one will be painful. I think I'll use up the rest of my calories today so I'm not as hungry in the morning.
today was so much better :) I had nothing until around 12:30 when I ate a 90 cal special k bar before my volunteering shift. During the shift, my stomach started grumbling so loud! Luckily, there was a thunder storm so I was able to hide it. Then we went grocery shopping- my dad bought so much junk! But I have done really well staying away from it, and I did buy a few low cal snack foods that should help with the cravings.
I'm so glad I was able to get over what happened yesterday. I don't know why it bothered me so much- I was in the shower for half an hour seriously about to cut myself- which I've never done before and really don't ever plan on starting. It was a stupid mistake- the problem is, I get so nervous around strangers that I don't know what to do or say so I'll just do whatever they tell me to do, and this guy was telling me to initial for my mom and tell this lady on the phone I was my mom so they could install something. So my dad came home and I told him what happened, he gave me hell for it and fixed everything. I'm so fucking stupid. See... life really would be better without me, would't it?
Today was a 400 cal day, and so far I have had:
- 90 cal bar (90, obviously)
- less than 1/2 cup brown rice with veggies and beans (1/2cup= 140)
- a couple chips (let's say...20?)
- I did have a piece of a brownie though :( (~100)
Total so far: 350
I am not baking until this is over- I just get upset that nobody's eating it and hate to see it go to waste. Or better yet, I'll make sure I only bake for special occasions- that is, holidays, family get togethers, etc so everyone will eat it :)
muahahahahahaha
Oh hey, did I mention I figured out an awesome way to keep from the kitchen? Mop. Get on your hands and knees and scrub the hell out of the tiles. Also, before that, completely disinfect EVERYTHING- counters, cupboards, appliances, etc. Now you have a squeaky clean kitchen, you burned lots and lots of calories, and you won't want to ruin it by eating and dropping crumbs everywhere :)
I do have another problem though: tomorrow is a 100 calorie day, and I'm watching my nephews (one is 3 and the other is 5) all day. That means, I'll be expected to make meals and snack for them, but can't eat myself. That wouldn't be a problem if the five year old didn't always ask me what I was eating or why I wasn't eating what they're eating. I just can't lie to the kid, so I always end up grabbing a small plate of whatever I make them. Tomorrow, I'll have to be strong and think of something, like 'I already ate' or something. 100 calorie days are never hard for me- but this one will be painful. I think I'll use up the rest of my calories today so I'm not as hungry in the morning.
Tuesday, August 3, 2010
fluck
I hate to do two blogposts in one day, but this one deserves one all its own.
I hate disappointing my parents. Right now I effed up big time, and I broke the law doing it. So this guy from the electric company came by to look at the water heater and said there was a new mandate to have it replaced, but my parents werent home and it was humid and rainy and the poor guy just wanted to get home so he had me initial something pretending to be my mom. And had me talk to this woman on the phone confirming i was the homeowner, even though my mom doesnt even live here. Fcuck. Thats a lot of pressure for a seventeen year old, so i just went along with it so i wouldnt upset this stranger in my kitchen. Then i called mom and she sounded disappointed (she said i have to tell dad 'what i did' as though i stole something.) Efffff now im waiting for him to come home. Eeek!
Addenda: i fucking hate myself for being so fucking stupid.
He gave me shit for it and i probably got some guy fired.
Let me tell you, there is no better way to lose your appetite than feeling so disappointed in yourself. I was about to break and eat leftover pizza, chips, and brownies, but now I feel so disgusted in myself I don't even want to think about it. FUCK!
I hate disappointing my parents. Right now I effed up big time, and I broke the law doing it. So this guy from the electric company came by to look at the water heater and said there was a new mandate to have it replaced, but my parents werent home and it was humid and rainy and the poor guy just wanted to get home so he had me initial something pretending to be my mom. And had me talk to this woman on the phone confirming i was the homeowner, even though my mom doesnt even live here. Fcuck. Thats a lot of pressure for a seventeen year old, so i just went along with it so i wouldnt upset this stranger in my kitchen. Then i called mom and she sounded disappointed (she said i have to tell dad 'what i did' as though i stole something.) Efffff now im waiting for him to come home. Eeek!
Addenda: i fucking hate myself for being so fucking stupid.
He gave me shit for it and i probably got some guy fired.
Let me tell you, there is no better way to lose your appetite than feeling so disappointed in yourself. I was about to break and eat leftover pizza, chips, and brownies, but now I feel so disgusted in myself I don't even want to think about it. FUCK!
DAY 3, going strong
Day 3, I had originally wanted to do a fast today instead of the permissable 300 calories, but decided since I'm voluteering at the children's hospital, it wouldn't be a good idea. (Although it is the perfect place to faint, no? lol)
Anyway, I grabbed a prepackaged bowl of multi-grain cheerios while I was there (80 cals) I don't feel hungry at all, I'm just reallly thirsty.
Oh yeah, and I measured my height today and I'm up half an inch. BUT I am up a pound. probably from all that junk. It's okay, I'm back on track and going strong and expect to be down again soon. My bmi as of 5 minutes ago is 18.3, officially underweight biznatchess :)
so, the only thing I plan on eating from now on is whatever fruit is left over from the last time we went to the grocery store (i.e. a few grapes, some watermelon pieces). Oh yes, and my binge yesterday consisted of freshly made brownies, so I'll have to deal with those. I may allow myself a sliver so I don't feel bad I wasted a package of mix; mom and her boyfriend keep looking at them but aren't touching them. hmmmph :/ I may have to shove them down their throats to get rid of them guilt-free.
Anyway, I grabbed a prepackaged bowl of multi-grain cheerios while I was there (80 cals) I don't feel hungry at all, I'm just reallly thirsty.
Oh yeah, and I measured my height today and I'm up half an inch. BUT I am up a pound. probably from all that junk. It's okay, I'm back on track and going strong and expect to be down again soon. My bmi as of 5 minutes ago is 18.3, officially underweight biznatchess :)
so, the only thing I plan on eating from now on is whatever fruit is left over from the last time we went to the grocery store (i.e. a few grapes, some watermelon pieces). Oh yes, and my binge yesterday consisted of freshly made brownies, so I'll have to deal with those. I may allow myself a sliver so I don't feel bad I wasted a package of mix; mom and her boyfriend keep looking at them but aren't touching them. hmmmph :/ I may have to shove them down their throats to get rid of them guilt-free.
Monday, August 2, 2010
fml.
Today I had a tim's egg and cheese breakfast sandwich on an english muffin (260) and a glass of chocolate milk (~170),for a total of 430. Today's total is 500.
That would be good, if I didn't feel a binge coming. I'm trying my hardest to resist, but I spent the whole weekend at the trailor (where there is only junk food) and we brought it all back up. PLUS, I'm sunburned and sore from tubing, and I feel so weak and shaky, so I know I have to eat SOMETHING. AND I know I won't be able to stop myself. FML.
It's okay. It's okay. I'll make it up tomorrow (300 calorie day).
I guess I'll have to make some new rules to follow if I want this to actually be successful:
- calories can come from ONLY low-calorie, healthy foods (few exceptions- say...once a week?)
- excercise 1 hour, 5 times a week at least
- to stay (somewhat) healthy, 1 free glass of low fat milk a day (don't count toward calories, does not include chocolate milk)
- eat only when hungry
- no meal can contain over 25% of the day's calories. also, I cannot exceed 25% of the day's calories before noon (this will help me from feeling hungry at night with a tiny amount of calories left and going over the day's count)
- If I go 10 calories or more over the day's limit, I will fast for the next day, regardless of what the count is supposed to be. If I exceed it by 100 calories, I'll fast for two days. If I go over by 400 or more,I'll fast for three.
- If I go over two days in a row, I'll start from the beginning.
Okay, let's see if these rules will help me stick to it. I have to be harsh on myself if want this to work. Hopefully, I'll be adding more rules soon.
That would be good, if I didn't feel a binge coming. I'm trying my hardest to resist, but I spent the whole weekend at the trailor (where there is only junk food) and we brought it all back up. PLUS, I'm sunburned and sore from tubing, and I feel so weak and shaky, so I know I have to eat SOMETHING. AND I know I won't be able to stop myself. FML.
It's okay. It's okay. I'll make it up tomorrow (300 calorie day).
I guess I'll have to make some new rules to follow if I want this to actually be successful:
- calories can come from ONLY low-calorie, healthy foods (few exceptions- say...once a week?)
- excercise 1 hour, 5 times a week at least
- to stay (somewhat) healthy, 1 free glass of low fat milk a day (don't count toward calories, does not include chocolate milk)
- eat only when hungry
- no meal can contain over 25% of the day's calories. also, I cannot exceed 25% of the day's calories before noon (this will help me from feeling hungry at night with a tiny amount of calories left and going over the day's count)
- If I go 10 calories or more over the day's limit, I will fast for the next day, regardless of what the count is supposed to be. If I exceed it by 100 calories, I'll fast for two days. If I go over by 400 or more,I'll fast for three.
- If I go over two days in a row, I'll start from the beginning.
Okay, let's see if these rules will help me stick to it. I have to be harsh on myself if want this to work. Hopefully, I'll be adding more rules soon.
Sunday, August 1, 2010
day one of ABC
Finally, sunday came. After the fatfest yesterday, i feel so much better today (mcflurries, croissants, veggie burgers, chips, pop, wagon wheels, corn twists, chocolate milk, cheese bread, grapes... easily 2000+ calories)
Today was so great :)... so far:
Apple (40)
Special k bar (90)
Dinner roll (90)
A few fries and a bit of ketchup (roughly 15)
Total so far: 235
Today is a 500 calorie day and I have 265 calories left. I just got to moms trailor and they are about to eat supper. Luckily I'm a vegetarian so I'll be able to skip a lot of cals :)
+70 cals of corn = 305 . 195 left
About to have a wagon wheel (110)
=415
Today was so great :)... so far:
Apple (40)
Special k bar (90)
Dinner roll (90)
A few fries and a bit of ketchup (roughly 15)
Total so far: 235
Today is a 500 calorie day and I have 265 calories left. I just got to moms trailor and they are about to eat supper. Luckily I'm a vegetarian so I'll be able to skip a lot of cals :)
+70 cals of corn = 305 . 195 left
About to have a wagon wheel (110)
=415
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