I'm a tree-hugging vegetarian who busts her ass to get straight A's, volunteers at CHEO, and spends her lunch hours collecting donations for sick kids

I'm sorry I can't be good enough. Maybe I'll try harder in my next life.
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Zach and I 'broke up' tonight...I say it like that because we were never really together..well, we were, just without the label.
I think he took it harder than I did. I told him I couldn't do what we're doing anymore while he still has feelings for someone else. He begged for almost two hours for me to stay. But I can't; it hurts more to do this to myself than it does to just end things. So I ended it.
But now I've lost what seems to have become my best friend.
He's distracted me during my low points, stopped me from doing stupid things, cared for me when everyone else turned their backs. Although I've never, and probably will never, tell him about any of this, my depression, ED, etc.. he still helped me. He actually saved me life.
On two separate occasions he's distracted me when I was sure I was going to kill myself. There was the pill incident sometime last week, then again last night. He knew something was wrong, and knows that I have my 'off' days and such. He knows about my family and how they make me feel about myself...ie. the pressure, expectations, all the fighting. He knows so much about me and it makes me scared.
What I'm scared most about is that I now have nobody. This is probably the worst time for me, one of the darkest moods I've ever been in. I've never been so close to killing myself as I have been in the past week. I'm scared that sometime within the next few days I'll hit another low point, but won't have him to help me through it. I've started to depend on him to much, and that's scary.
So I guess, here's to dreaming he'll get over her and come running back to me.. before I do anything stupid. Probably won't happen though; I'm not that special.
A girl can dream though, right?

It's been a while...

and I'm sure nobody reads this, but it makes me feel a bit better to get this out. This is the only place I can go to let out thoughts, kind of like someone to talk to...
I'm in a dark place right now.
I'll just start off with a little summary of what's happened recently:
- smoked pot. twice. almost smoked hash. Zach stopped me.
- got extremely drunk last weekend.
- kinda just want to do them both right now. just to forget everything
-Zach and I ended. then got back together..kinda. Well right now we're more... "friends with benefits". and it kills me. I hate that I always doubt whether he has real feelings for me or not, but I just always want to be with him...it's frustrating. I have no respect for myself anymore..not that I really did before
umm..I suppose that's about it.
Tonight I just got really bad again... I'm so behind in school and my scholarship could be in jeaopordy.
Nothing even seems worth it though..
Here's something funny: I almost just overdosed on tylenol. I've been sick for days so I already have a lot in me, and I just looked up the dose that would do my body some serious damage and everything... I was making my way downstairs to pop the pills...but you know what stopped me?
My fucking fear of the dark.
That's right. I was about to go kill myself but the thought of ghosts and ghouls lurking around whilst I do it terrified me.
Hmm..okay cuz that makes sense.
FUCK this. FUCK. I wish I had someone I could talk to. Someone who cares. But nobody gives two fucks about me.
Why am I such a fucking coward?