didn't do half the readings, still got a 73. nice.

Well, I gave myself a deadline. I extended that deadline. Still no increase in mood. When I think I'm happy, it lasts a moment and I'm living in constant fear of falling back into the bad mood. Well, I'm here, and I'm stuck.
I'm not one for missing deadlines. This is no exception.
I'm too emotional for all this bullshit. I wasn't built right for this life. I'm always going to be hurt by everything and I'm always going to fall back into depression. I try so hard not to, I put up a real fight today. But it always comes back.
Tonight, I'm going to get really high and drunk, swallow as many sleeping pills as I have left, until I'm drowsy and the blood is pumping real quick through my veins. Then I'm going to cut. I don't know how deep yet. Perhaps just enough to numb the pain for another day. My new favourite spot is right above my veins, it's like I'm teasing the idea of...
This is so sadistic.
See what world I live in?

Zero Motivation

I have my exam tomorrow-- and I can't bring myself to do the readings. I'm so not interested in this course but I need it for my program. It's just so boring. Ugh.
Well, maybe a good sleep and reading under pressure will be what kicks me into gear. We'll see-- tomorrow will just be a heavily caffeinated day. And then I get to relax. Finally. And sleep. Finally. And maybe enjoy life for once? I don't even care if I don't do well on it. I'm so over it already.
This friends with benefits thing... well, it sucks. I forgot how hard it is emotionally. Sure, I'm having a great time. He's an amazing friend and I like spending time with him, and the sex is always great, but I'm finding it harder and harder to hide my feelings and part of me feels like tearing myself apart over him isn't worth it. I know it's only going to end badly for me. Either I'll fuck up and lose him as a friend completely, or he'll become interested in some other, better girl and I'll have to watch him fall in love with someone else. This fucking sucks.
Worst part is, he's not over his ex from like 5 months ago. Seems like the beginning of my last relationship all over again, and look where that led me. Perhaps I should just forget about it. Would he even be interested in being my friend if it weren't for the sex? But as long as I'm offering sex, I'm just opening myself up to being used longer.. and I'm closing myself down for other opportunities.
All I want is a chance, but I'm never going to get one. And it fucking hurts. I'd like to say I don't know what's wrong with me, what's so unworthy about me... but truth is, I do. I'm erratic, reckless, over emotional, unappreciative, shy, completely weird, ugly, and fat. There's really not that much good about me, so I guess I understand why he would want to keep his options open. I'm never going to be fortunate enough to fall in love, and stay in love, anyway. So what's the point of falling if you're only going to crash and burn?

I just don't know

I've lost all motivation to do anything. Study, go to work, see friends, watch tv, play with my cats, go to the gym/gymnastics. I do what I have to do to live and that's it. I told my psychiatrist today that I was having violent mood swings daily and he called that 'normal'. I think he's an idiot and shouldn't be in that position. He also claims I have a drinking problem. I drink maybe twice a month at most, but because I drink to get drunk/pass out, it's a problem. Fuck him. He just sits there and judges me the entire time I'm there. I hate seeing him.
I don't want to do anything. Why can't, just once, I fall asleep and never wake up. Is that so much to ask?
They say it helps to make plans for the future, so here's my plan. I give myself until next Wednesday to snap out of this. To find something that makes me even remotely happy again. I'm tired of feeling like this and hearing 'it will get better' 'you'll feel better' 'what would everyone else think if you killed yourself'. Right now, I don't give a shit. Why am I selfish for wanting out of this hellhole? I can only name a few who would be affected by it anyway. And even then, they'll move on. I've been living like this for way too long and can't take it anymore. I constantly feel so ridiculously sad and like I want to cry all the fucking time. I'm just irritated by people. I'm tired of faking a smile at work. It's the only place I have the energy to fake it anymore; everywhere else- school, with friends, doctors offices, home- I'm just dead, inside and out.
So, one week, things get better or I'm fucking done with this shit.

Forgive and forget

I feel like I'm the poster child for the saying forgive and forget. I've been wronged by so many people and I instantly forgive them and forget it happened. Now that doesn't mean I'm dumb enough to let them hurt me, it means I'm not going to hold hatred for them. I might stop talking to them, get them out of my life, or just put up an emotional wall, but if you wrong me I forgive easily. Sometimes it sucks, I just want to be mad. I want to be mad at my parents for splitting up and finding new families, leaving their old one in the dust. For making me feel like not even my own parents love me. For not protecting me from all this. I want to be mad at the friends who ditched me for popularity. Who saw me going through a rough time and told me I'm selfish and a bad friend and never talking to me again. I want to be mad at Zach for moving on so fast, doing things with her he never did with me. Making me feel like I really was nothing to him. Well at least he's happier and better off now.
I want to be mad at Paul, but I don't have anything to really be mad about. I put myself in this situation by establishing a sexual relationship before a friendship. I defined our relationship and now I have to deal with that. I knew he didn't want a relationship, I knew he was still struggling with getting over his past relationships, and I knew he's probably just looking for sex. Well, you can't be mad at him for that, he made it clear from the start. I can only be mad at myself for falling for him anyway.
See, I just don't have it in me to be mad at other people. There's just no reason to hold hate. It's a quality I both love and hate about myself. It causes me so much pain to just put a smile on through all this bullshit. What did I do to deserve this?

Panic attack?

Symptoms-- choking feeling, racing heart, racing thoughts, upset stomach, hot flashes, heart pounding, feel nauseous. Yep, it's a panic attack. oh great.
Calm down, don't fall into this again.
I don't want to fall into this again.