I've lost all motivation to do anything. Study, go to work, see friends, watch tv, play with my cats, go to the gym/gymnastics. I do what I have to do to live and that's it. I told my psychiatrist today that I was having violent mood swings daily and he called that 'normal'. I think he's an idiot and shouldn't be in that position. He also claims I have a drinking problem. I drink maybe twice a month at most, but because I drink to get drunk/pass out, it's a problem. Fuck him. He just sits there and judges me the entire time I'm there. I hate seeing him.
I don't want to do anything. Why can't, just once, I fall asleep and never wake up. Is that so much to ask?
They say it helps to make plans for the future, so here's my plan. I give myself until next Wednesday to snap out of this. To find something that makes me even remotely happy again. I'm tired of feeling like this and hearing 'it will get better' 'you'll feel better' 'what would everyone else think if you killed yourself'. Right now, I don't give a shit. Why am I selfish for wanting out of this hellhole? I can only name a few who would be affected by it anyway. And even then, they'll move on. I've been living like this for way too long and can't take it anymore. I constantly feel so ridiculously sad and like I want to cry all the fucking time. I'm just irritated by people. I'm tired of faking a smile at work. It's the only place I have the energy to fake it anymore; everywhere else- school, with friends, doctors offices, home- I'm just dead, inside and out.
So, one week, things get better or I'm fucking done with this shit.
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