don't remember feeling this way in a long time..
I feel empty. completely empty. there's hardly anything to talk about because really, nothing matters.
walking is hard. I feel like I'm walking in slow motion. The images aren't going away, either, and they're becoming more prominent.The message is clear--I want for me to die. Everywhere I look I see some way that I could kill myself. Walking by a second story window at all the little happy people just makes me sad. Nobody would notice if I just slipped away. I look out the window at the gray, uncaring world, unchanged by my presence or absence in it.
It would be nice, to not live anymore. But what happens next? Do I just slip into an eternal blissful sleep? Or does blackness just creep over me until my mind disappears? Is there an afterlife?
That's what's holding me back. If religion is true, then surely I'd suffer in hell for eternity. If there is no afterlife, what happens to the soul?
I want to find the highest point I can and step out onto the ledge with my toes lingering over the drop. I want the wind to tingle my fingers and my face. I want to say one last goodbye then freefall. Feel the wind pushing me back, feel the rise and drop in my stomach. And then watch the earth come closer and closer.
This is how I want to die.
