I effed up a little today. I ate two extra mini bars (~120), so I'm pretty sure I went over, hopefully not by much. I hate that I couldn't purge. :(
I felt bad for a long time, but ultimately I felt relatively good that I stopped myself before it got too bad. My mom gave me a full sized chocolate bar (250 calories), and I have to find a way to dispose of it or hide it so I don't eat it. :/
Okay, so plan for tomorrow:
Tomorrow is a 300 calorie day-
let's see... 1 piece of bread (~85)
maybe a bit of butter (let's say 20)
either a granola bar or a pack of biscuits (100)
maybe 1 egg (75), or I may have 1/4 cup egg substitute while I'm at dad's (30)
Total for tomorrow: 235-280
Good, I'll have some wiggle room.:)
And I have full intentions of purging at school tomorrow after lunch, if I can get in the bathroom alone.
Sunday, October 31, 2010
Halloween :)
Happy Halloween!
It's going pretty okay so far.
All I ended up having at work was a side salad (approx 35 cals worth)
BUUUT when I got home I had two mini candy bars (one was 40 the other was 60)
Total so far: 135
Today is a 500 cal day.
My mom keeps expecting me to eat the damn pizza in the fridge. Right now she's out, but said she'd be home in about 40 minutes. That gives me more than enough time to have a slice and purge by the time she gets home. I know I technically have enough calories for it, but I really don't want that crap staying in me.
It's almost 6, and we've had no trick or treaters :( Living in the bay is so lonely :(
On the bright side, double double toil and trouble is on tv. I love the young olsen twins...reminds me of the innocent, care-free days <333
ADDENDUM:
shit. mom got home 20 minutes earlier than she said she would. I was just downing the last piece when I heard...yes heard...the old truck coming up the road. As soon as I saw the lights, I ran for the bathroom to try to throw up, but couldn't get it out by the time I heard the footsteps on the porch, so now it's stuck in me. I walked into the hallway with teary eyes and blowing my nose so she'd think I just have a cold (bonus points: I was carrying the dirty dish).On the bright side, I thought ahead and saved enough calories for that slice. However, I feel really shitty with it sitting in my stomach. :(
It's going pretty okay so far.
All I ended up having at work was a side salad (approx 35 cals worth)
BUUUT when I got home I had two mini candy bars (one was 40 the other was 60)
Total so far: 135
Today is a 500 cal day.
My mom keeps expecting me to eat the damn pizza in the fridge. Right now she's out, but said she'd be home in about 40 minutes. That gives me more than enough time to have a slice and purge by the time she gets home. I know I technically have enough calories for it, but I really don't want that crap staying in me.
It's almost 6, and we've had no trick or treaters :( Living in the bay is so lonely :(
On the bright side, double double toil and trouble is on tv. I love the young olsen twins...reminds me of the innocent, care-free days <333
ADDENDUM:
shit. mom got home 20 minutes earlier than she said she would. I was just downing the last piece when I heard...yes heard...the old truck coming up the road. As soon as I saw the lights, I ran for the bathroom to try to throw up, but couldn't get it out by the time I heard the footsteps on the porch, so now it's stuck in me. I walked into the hallway with teary eyes and blowing my nose so she'd think I just have a cold (bonus points: I was carrying the dirty dish).On the bright side, I thought ahead and saved enough calories for that slice. However, I feel really shitty with it sitting in my stomach. :(
Saturday, October 30, 2010
Fuuuuck
Long story short: I am but a worthless, hideous, obese beast.
Last few months have been so stressful- too much homework, too many crappy shifts, not enough sleep. I was fortunate enough to have a rather long period of time in which I wasn't completely depressed. I had maybe a week and a half of an elevated mood, even. But I fell back into the depression sometime last week.
I don't know, maybe I'm just not fit for this world. Normal people don't write letters to themselves about how useless they are, or write letters to their parents for after their death, do they?
I've been emotionally and physically stressed. I just can't take it anymore. Worst week of my life. I've been working at mcd's (I know, worst place for an anorexic vegetarian) for 3 years, I tried to quit a year ago, but my boss begged me to say and said she was going to promote me. I learned this week that this douchebag who's only been there a year and a bit got promoted, and she hasn't even been preparing me for a promotion. This kid is also younger than me, and a total suck up. He already tries bossing me around, and now he thinks he has a reason to. Fuck this little dipshit. Today, I went to work (hungover...but I'll talk about that later) and she said I was employee of the month...woopdeefrickindoo. It honestly means nothing. Usually, the newbs get it as some kind of encouragement, so it's actually sort of like a slap in the face. Later, she caught me not using the fucking tongs to put down something, so I was just like "There are no tongs around, they need it right away, my hands are cleaned and I'll clean them right after, and it was only just this once" and she goes "I can't believe I just told you you're employee of the month and you go and do something like this." I should have said "So you should give it to someone who wants it then, like your precious Taylor (the dipshit-suckup)". Damn, I wish I said it. I swear to god I'm going to quit that place.
Anywhoo, I also learned this week that my younger cousin (she's in grade nine, and we're reallly close, we tell each other everything and I'm kind of like her mentor) is bulimic and cutting herself. her friends told their parents who told her parents, who told my mom who told me...yeah. Right now, she's still playing dumb. I kind of want to tell her about my anorexia/depression so that she can feel she relates to me and open up about herself, and maybe we can get through it together? I don't really know how to open that conversation up, though. "Oh hey, I'm anorexic. Got anything you want to share?" I'm worried about her.
On top of that, for some no apparent reason, guys keep falling for me...wtf. Don't they know I'm too fucked up to want a guy right now? Last month, the guy I liked for a long time finally asked me out, but then cancelled and never asked me again, meanwhile this other guy was trying to get me to see guy1 is an asshole and ask me out with him instead... I said no... last week, someone else asked me out and I said no, and now this other guy from work keeps trying to ask me out...thank god I'm so busy cuz he's too nice to turn down.
So, last night... I got waay too drunk. Are you an alcoholic if all you can think about for weeks is going to this halloween party so you can finally drink and feel better about everything? I hope not...
So I got there and immediately started drinking. I had about a mickey and a half of one of spiced rum and some sourpuss (which I never finished cuz someone took it), and countless sips of other people's stuff. I felt euphoric by 8 o'clock (I got there at 7:30), but it didn't feel strong enough so I kept downing drinks. I do remember being in a closet, almost in tears, talking to one of my guy friends (who is such a sweetie...he's mormon, if that means anything to you). He's been concerned about me since he saw me break down crying at school the other day. I told him I wanted to kill myself (which I CANNOT believe I did), and he said "If you killed yourself, I would die. Seriously." It was so heartbreaking. Why is it that a whole bunch of guys like me, but the ones I want to like me just don't. He likes someone else, who I just learned rejected him and he said he's moving on. I drunkly said to him last night "too bad I'm not your type" and he said "maybe one day..." Am I stupid to think that maybe he's starting to have feelings for me? I hope not. :( Part of me feels good to have shared something, but I'm worried what he'll say when I see him on Monday.
So, he tried to take away my drink because I was way so emotional, but I said no and attacked him to keep it. So he gave me water and tried to feed me bread (which of course being the dumbass drunk I am, I had to ask how many calories are in bread, then asked if I puked if they would all go away...) Anywhoo, needless to say I did puke- three times. I spent the last hour of the party on the floor with two rando guys telling me I'm okay, making sure I drank water and ate the bread, and holding a bag for me to puke in...and also making sure I stayed concious, which was really hard. I finally got home around 12:30 and passed out.
Getting up was torture. It hit me as soon as I stood, and work was horrible. I'm such a dummy that I posted on facebook that I won't be drinking for a long time, and one of my managers commented. (IDIOT!)
Yeah, so I work again tomorrow. Fuck. I slept from 5 till now, and I'm going to sleep again in about 10 mins. I just needed to rant to anyone who cares to listen.
Oh yeah, last thing- fuck.my.life. Seriously, I just want to kill myself and make everyone happier. No, honestly. I am such a bitch to everyone that they'd all be happier if I were gone. Sure, they'd be sad I'm dead, but they'd be over it in moments and go on to realize how great life truly is without me. I just can't do that to my mom, or my pets...(..wtf.?)
Okay, so I've started the ABC again. Day 1 was today. I had like 1/4 of a fruit and yogurt parfait at mcdonald's (which I counted as roughly 40 cals), a granola bar (100), and then I had a mini-binge on halloween candy...but since they were all really small and I honestly didn't have too much I think it's safe to say I stayed under the 500 limit today, but it was really close.
Mom ordered a pizza though. She orders me a small cheese (just for myself), since I'm vegetarian and all. She keeps coming into my room and asking me when I'm going to eat it. I was sleeping, so I just said I will when I wake up. I waited until she went to bed to get up and get on the computer. I have to figure out a way to dispose of the pizza (or at least just a slice in case she checks). I don't even have enough calories left for a few bites. I'm thinking of cutting it into pieces (and then the sauce and cheese crumbs will get all over the plate...score!) and wrap them in tissue paper and throw them in the garbage. Or maybe I'll just leave it for tonight and say I was way too tired to get up and eat. I can deal with it tomorrow. Who knows, maybe I can be a good little girl and actually have enough calories left over for 1/2 a piece.But then again, knowing me, once I started I wouldn't know how to stop myself.
Tomorrow is a 500 cal day. Since I work 8-4, I plan to have apple slices (40) and a side salad without onions and tomatoes (roughly 40) for a total of 80. If I ABSOLUTELY need to eat something else, I may either have more apples or mcdonaldland cookies(both 40 cals) = 120. If all goes according to plan, I may be able to snag 1/2 piece of pizza when I get home. Unfortunately, we ordered from a little restaurant in our tiny town so I have to estimate the calories for a slice to be about 250.
Well, hopefully tomorrow is going to be a better day.
Last few months have been so stressful- too much homework, too many crappy shifts, not enough sleep. I was fortunate enough to have a rather long period of time in which I wasn't completely depressed. I had maybe a week and a half of an elevated mood, even. But I fell back into the depression sometime last week.
I don't know, maybe I'm just not fit for this world. Normal people don't write letters to themselves about how useless they are, or write letters to their parents for after their death, do they?
I've been emotionally and physically stressed. I just can't take it anymore. Worst week of my life. I've been working at mcd's (I know, worst place for an anorexic vegetarian) for 3 years, I tried to quit a year ago, but my boss begged me to say and said she was going to promote me. I learned this week that this douchebag who's only been there a year and a bit got promoted, and she hasn't even been preparing me for a promotion. This kid is also younger than me, and a total suck up. He already tries bossing me around, and now he thinks he has a reason to. Fuck this little dipshit. Today, I went to work (hungover...but I'll talk about that later) and she said I was employee of the month...woopdeefrickindoo. It honestly means nothing. Usually, the newbs get it as some kind of encouragement, so it's actually sort of like a slap in the face. Later, she caught me not using the fucking tongs to put down something, so I was just like "There are no tongs around, they need it right away, my hands are cleaned and I'll clean them right after, and it was only just this once" and she goes "I can't believe I just told you you're employee of the month and you go and do something like this." I should have said "So you should give it to someone who wants it then, like your precious Taylor (the dipshit-suckup)". Damn, I wish I said it. I swear to god I'm going to quit that place.
Anywhoo, I also learned this week that my younger cousin (she's in grade nine, and we're reallly close, we tell each other everything and I'm kind of like her mentor) is bulimic and cutting herself. her friends told their parents who told her parents, who told my mom who told me...yeah. Right now, she's still playing dumb. I kind of want to tell her about my anorexia/depression so that she can feel she relates to me and open up about herself, and maybe we can get through it together? I don't really know how to open that conversation up, though. "Oh hey, I'm anorexic. Got anything you want to share?" I'm worried about her.
On top of that, for some no apparent reason, guys keep falling for me...wtf. Don't they know I'm too fucked up to want a guy right now? Last month, the guy I liked for a long time finally asked me out, but then cancelled and never asked me again, meanwhile this other guy was trying to get me to see guy1 is an asshole and ask me out with him instead... I said no... last week, someone else asked me out and I said no, and now this other guy from work keeps trying to ask me out...thank god I'm so busy cuz he's too nice to turn down.
So, last night... I got waay too drunk. Are you an alcoholic if all you can think about for weeks is going to this halloween party so you can finally drink and feel better about everything? I hope not...
So I got there and immediately started drinking. I had about a mickey and a half of one of spiced rum and some sourpuss (which I never finished cuz someone took it), and countless sips of other people's stuff. I felt euphoric by 8 o'clock (I got there at 7:30), but it didn't feel strong enough so I kept downing drinks. I do remember being in a closet, almost in tears, talking to one of my guy friends (who is such a sweetie...he's mormon, if that means anything to you). He's been concerned about me since he saw me break down crying at school the other day. I told him I wanted to kill myself (which I CANNOT believe I did), and he said "If you killed yourself, I would die. Seriously." It was so heartbreaking. Why is it that a whole bunch of guys like me, but the ones I want to like me just don't. He likes someone else, who I just learned rejected him and he said he's moving on. I drunkly said to him last night "too bad I'm not your type" and he said "maybe one day..." Am I stupid to think that maybe he's starting to have feelings for me? I hope not. :( Part of me feels good to have shared something, but I'm worried what he'll say when I see him on Monday.
So, he tried to take away my drink because I was way so emotional, but I said no and attacked him to keep it. So he gave me water and tried to feed me bread (which of course being the dumbass drunk I am, I had to ask how many calories are in bread, then asked if I puked if they would all go away...) Anywhoo, needless to say I did puke- three times. I spent the last hour of the party on the floor with two rando guys telling me I'm okay, making sure I drank water and ate the bread, and holding a bag for me to puke in...and also making sure I stayed concious, which was really hard. I finally got home around 12:30 and passed out.
Getting up was torture. It hit me as soon as I stood, and work was horrible. I'm such a dummy that I posted on facebook that I won't be drinking for a long time, and one of my managers commented. (IDIOT!)
Yeah, so I work again tomorrow. Fuck. I slept from 5 till now, and I'm going to sleep again in about 10 mins. I just needed to rant to anyone who cares to listen.
Oh yeah, last thing- fuck.my.life. Seriously, I just want to kill myself and make everyone happier. No, honestly. I am such a bitch to everyone that they'd all be happier if I were gone. Sure, they'd be sad I'm dead, but they'd be over it in moments and go on to realize how great life truly is without me. I just can't do that to my mom, or my pets...(..wtf.?)
Okay, so I've started the ABC again. Day 1 was today. I had like 1/4 of a fruit and yogurt parfait at mcdonald's (which I counted as roughly 40 cals), a granola bar (100), and then I had a mini-binge on halloween candy...but since they were all really small and I honestly didn't have too much I think it's safe to say I stayed under the 500 limit today, but it was really close.
Mom ordered a pizza though. She orders me a small cheese (just for myself), since I'm vegetarian and all. She keeps coming into my room and asking me when I'm going to eat it. I was sleeping, so I just said I will when I wake up. I waited until she went to bed to get up and get on the computer. I have to figure out a way to dispose of the pizza (or at least just a slice in case she checks). I don't even have enough calories left for a few bites. I'm thinking of cutting it into pieces (and then the sauce and cheese crumbs will get all over the plate...score!) and wrap them in tissue paper and throw them in the garbage. Or maybe I'll just leave it for tonight and say I was way too tired to get up and eat. I can deal with it tomorrow. Who knows, maybe I can be a good little girl and actually have enough calories left over for 1/2 a piece.But then again, knowing me, once I started I wouldn't know how to stop myself.
Tomorrow is a 500 cal day. Since I work 8-4, I plan to have apple slices (40) and a side salad without onions and tomatoes (roughly 40) for a total of 80. If I ABSOLUTELY need to eat something else, I may either have more apples or mcdonaldland cookies(both 40 cals) = 120. If all goes according to plan, I may be able to snag 1/2 piece of pizza when I get home. Unfortunately, we ordered from a little restaurant in our tiny town so I have to estimate the calories for a slice to be about 250.
Well, hopefully tomorrow is going to be a better day.
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