don't remember feeling this way in a long time..
I feel empty. completely empty. there's hardly anything to talk about because really, nothing matters.
walking is hard. I feel like I'm walking in slow motion. The images aren't going away, either, and they're becoming more prominent.The message is clear--I want for me to die. Everywhere I look I see some way that I could kill myself. Walking by a second story window at all the little happy people just makes me sad. Nobody would notice if I just slipped away. I look out the window at the gray, uncaring world, unchanged by my presence or absence in it.
It would be nice, to not live anymore. But what happens next? Do I just slip into an eternal blissful sleep? Or does blackness just creep over me until my mind disappears? Is there an afterlife?
That's what's holding me back. If religion is true, then surely I'd suffer in hell for eternity. If there is no afterlife, what happens to the soul?
I want to find the highest point I can and step out onto the ledge with my toes lingering over the drop. I want the wind to tingle my fingers and my face. I want to say one last goodbye then freefall. Feel the wind pushing me back, feel the rise and drop in my stomach. And then watch the earth come closer and closer.
This is how I want to die.
Monday, November 12, 2012
Monday, August 6, 2012
Tuesday, July 31, 2012
Sunday, July 22, 2012
I feel like I belong in a mental institution
After months of being 'numb', it crashes back down with a vengeance.
I thought the numbness was a good sign. It's at least better than the depression/anxiety that has plagued my adolescence. I thought it was my bridge to happiness. At least there were times I could feel happy and enjoy what I have.
But now it's back and I don't feel relatively sane anymore. To say I hate this feeling is the worst. This feeling truly makes me want to claw my stomach apart, scratch my face, rip my hair out..jump off a bridge. Anything. Anything to make the feeling go away.
I can't even describe the constant feeling that doesn't go away, doesn't weaken.
It's almost like a strong anxiety; like vicious butterflies attacking my insides, the unsettling feeling strong in my stomach and builds all the way up to my chest, where my heart races and feels like it's thumping hard in my chest. A choking feeling in my throat, like I'm trying to hold back tears all the time. Nothing's happened that has made me want to cry, yet the feeling has been there all day, without a break. My head hurts. Probably from all the racing thoughts that fleet through my head, so brief that I can't even put into a sentence what I'm thinking about. But all of them are bad. All of them feel like some evil force inside my head trying to bring me down.
I can't eat, and I don't know if it's because I don't want to eat, or if I actually can't. I want to stand on the highest rooftop and just scream. Liberate the demons inside me.
Too many thoughts. Too much racing inside me. I can't even decide what to do. I want Zach here, or do I? I DON'T EVEN KNOW. And it breaks my heart that I can't explain the reason to him. Not that he wouldn't understand; explaining all this is just way too difficult for me. It's hard to put such a feeling into words.
I feel like the only way to make it all stop is to release it. The only way to do that is to cut...
But Zach would be sad. and I don't want to make him sad.
Ugh, I don't know what to do :/
I thought the numbness was a good sign. It's at least better than the depression/anxiety that has plagued my adolescence. I thought it was my bridge to happiness. At least there were times I could feel happy and enjoy what I have.
But now it's back and I don't feel relatively sane anymore. To say I hate this feeling is the worst. This feeling truly makes me want to claw my stomach apart, scratch my face, rip my hair out..jump off a bridge. Anything. Anything to make the feeling go away.
I can't even describe the constant feeling that doesn't go away, doesn't weaken.
It's almost like a strong anxiety; like vicious butterflies attacking my insides, the unsettling feeling strong in my stomach and builds all the way up to my chest, where my heart races and feels like it's thumping hard in my chest. A choking feeling in my throat, like I'm trying to hold back tears all the time. Nothing's happened that has made me want to cry, yet the feeling has been there all day, without a break. My head hurts. Probably from all the racing thoughts that fleet through my head, so brief that I can't even put into a sentence what I'm thinking about. But all of them are bad. All of them feel like some evil force inside my head trying to bring me down.
I can't eat, and I don't know if it's because I don't want to eat, or if I actually can't. I want to stand on the highest rooftop and just scream. Liberate the demons inside me.
Too many thoughts. Too much racing inside me. I can't even decide what to do. I want Zach here, or do I? I DON'T EVEN KNOW. And it breaks my heart that I can't explain the reason to him. Not that he wouldn't understand; explaining all this is just way too difficult for me. It's hard to put such a feeling into words.
I feel like the only way to make it all stop is to release it. The only way to do that is to cut...
But Zach would be sad. and I don't want to make him sad.
Ugh, I don't know what to do :/
Monday, July 2, 2012
DO NOT CALL
He's waiting for ME to call HIM. But I just have to remember that if I do, it's just going to come crashing down again in a matter of weeks...
There will be more lying, pretending, talking behind my back. There will be more pain--not the good kind.
If he doesn't want to try, then neither do I. He gives up just as easily as I do, so maybe that's reason enough to call it quits.
must think of new blog name....
There will be more lying, pretending, talking behind my back. There will be more pain--not the good kind.
If he doesn't want to try, then neither do I. He gives up just as easily as I do, so maybe that's reason enough to call it quits.
must think of new blog name....
"You feel the tingling below your flesh, are saturated by the screaming thoughts in your mind, listen to your strange reflection’s persuasive words. Do it. Just once. It will make it all go away. It will make you feel better. Burns at first because you are too terrified by what you are doing to yourself. A curling iron, a lighter, cigarettes. Your trembling hand then the bite of the heat and goosebumps racing over your skin. Then you embrace the behavior and move on to cutting. It is a beautiful transition, as if you had been a cutter all your life. Your hands quiver until you fall into that heavy trance. The world falls silent except for your thumping heart. The sharp knife twitches in your hand. An awkward, tentative cut then another – deeper, deeper, always in a line. Your body disappears; you feel nothing but the slice and the thick tranquility to follow, letting the blood escape in front of the other in the mirror. She always smiles.
You need to lie to disguise all of these distractions. Tell your parents you’re working or staying at a friend’s house when you are out drinking or having meaningless sex. The cigarettes and the smell are your friend’s, not yours. The burns are from the popcorn popper at work. You convince yourself that your lies are true in front of your parents. If they question you, you get so enraged that they simply believe you. You learn to lie fluently; it becomes easier than the truth.
Cradle all the consequences of your destructive behaviors close to you. You need to dwell on every one, turn it on yourself, blame yourself completely. Make decisions that you can torture yourself over for years. They are excuses to hate yourself, reasons to be fucked up. You go back to bed with the same men or always the same type of men. They don’t care about you, and you feel dead inside. It must be because you’re worthless; it must be because you’re not good enough for better. You miscarry a child before you know you are pregnant. You must have drank it to death; it must have rejected your body. You take the wrong drink from a guy and are too drunk to fight back when he pushes himself on you. You must have drank too much; you must have let him. It all has to be your fault. Perpetuate your self-loathing, and dive deeper into your disease. "
http://bipolarswirl.blogspot.ca/2006/08/writing-how-to-kill-yourself-slowly.html
This is me. This is who I am, have always been, and will always be. To convince myself I'm fixed, better, is to convince a maggot he is a butterfly. It would be a lie. And I hate being lied to, by anybody.
I can't be fixed. I can only numb what's lingering inside me for a short period of time. It isn't long before a thought--an ideation-- comes clambering upwards. I could try to repress it; I have been doing that for months. But it's just so exhausting. Hiding myself deep down in dark crevices of myself.. that's not me. I'm not me.. This is who I am.
And you, you are nothing but a distraction.. or perhaps I am the distraction. I think we're using each other as such.. you to distract yourself from everything in your life that has told you you're inadequate. Especially she-who-shall-not-be-named. Me, well, perhaps I've used you too. To cling to someone who might actually care about me. But pain is my pleasure, and I can't kid myself for a second to believe I'm happy when I'm happy.
You need to lie to disguise all of these distractions. Tell your parents you’re working or staying at a friend’s house when you are out drinking or having meaningless sex. The cigarettes and the smell are your friend’s, not yours. The burns are from the popcorn popper at work. You convince yourself that your lies are true in front of your parents. If they question you, you get so enraged that they simply believe you. You learn to lie fluently; it becomes easier than the truth.
Cradle all the consequences of your destructive behaviors close to you. You need to dwell on every one, turn it on yourself, blame yourself completely. Make decisions that you can torture yourself over for years. They are excuses to hate yourself, reasons to be fucked up. You go back to bed with the same men or always the same type of men. They don’t care about you, and you feel dead inside. It must be because you’re worthless; it must be because you’re not good enough for better. You miscarry a child before you know you are pregnant. You must have drank it to death; it must have rejected your body. You take the wrong drink from a guy and are too drunk to fight back when he pushes himself on you. You must have drank too much; you must have let him. It all has to be your fault. Perpetuate your self-loathing, and dive deeper into your disease. "
http://bipolarswirl.blogspot.ca/2006/08/writing-how-to-kill-yourself-slowly.html
This is me. This is who I am, have always been, and will always be. To convince myself I'm fixed, better, is to convince a maggot he is a butterfly. It would be a lie. And I hate being lied to, by anybody.
I can't be fixed. I can only numb what's lingering inside me for a short period of time. It isn't long before a thought--an ideation-- comes clambering upwards. I could try to repress it; I have been doing that for months. But it's just so exhausting. Hiding myself deep down in dark crevices of myself.. that's not me. I'm not me.. This is who I am.
And you, you are nothing but a distraction.. or perhaps I am the distraction. I think we're using each other as such.. you to distract yourself from everything in your life that has told you you're inadequate. Especially she-who-shall-not-be-named. Me, well, perhaps I've used you too. To cling to someone who might actually care about me. But pain is my pleasure, and I can't kid myself for a second to believe I'm happy when I'm happy.
Thursday, June 7, 2012
Wednesday, June 6, 2012
Tuesday, June 5, 2012
Sunday, June 3, 2012
it's been a while
It's been a long time... probably over a year.. since I've felt how I feel right now.
I don't remember the last time I purposely went to bed hungry, or the last time I sat in bed for hours waiting for a wicked craving to subside, going between telling myself 'why bother, just go eat it anyway' and then reminding myself that the pain is good. It's a good feeling, really... feeling in control of something. Invisibly destroying myself. I just can't remember why, I just remember that it is...
I don't remember the last time I purposely went to bed hungry, or the last time I sat in bed for hours waiting for a wicked craving to subside, going between telling myself 'why bother, just go eat it anyway' and then reminding myself that the pain is good. It's a good feeling, really... feeling in control of something. Invisibly destroying myself. I just can't remember why, I just remember that it is...
Thursday, May 3, 2012
Monday, April 23, 2012
I'm not running back this time. Even if I did, it would only affirm my belief that I'm the only one who ever tries for this relationship. I refuse to do it. Especially because I know we'll only be right back here when the next episode comes along. I'm tired of being the only one who gives a damn. And if he comes back to me after tonight, I sure as hell hope I don't take him back. Anyone who just sits there and watches me crash and burn, without saying the one thing that he knows could stop it all, is worth nothing to me. Someone who can go out with friends while his girlfriend is freaking out, is nothing to me. Someone who can sleep soundly even though his girlfriend told him she doesn't want to see him ever again, is nothing to me. I'm done.
If...
If my depression didn't decide to come back out of nowhere, everything would be different.
If I didn't hastily lash out for virtually no reason, everything would be different.
If he could just realize when he needs to be there for me, and be here when I need him, everything would be different.
ugh.
If I didn't hastily lash out for virtually no reason, everything would be different.
If he could just realize when he needs to be there for me, and be here when I need him, everything would be different.
ugh.
FUCKYOU
It's true. He's stopped caring.
I've been going insane for the past 24 hours and he doesn't give a shit. Where is he? Who the fuck knows. Off enjoying his life. It really is better off without me.
Something funny? I didn't even smoke last night because of him, even though I wanted to so bad to get rid of everything negative in my head. But nope, I sat through the negative thoughts to please him.
And today I was so upset I couldn't even go to the gym. And where was he when I needed him? LOL LIKE I KNOW.
I give up. I'm done fucking caring. Go do what you want, Zach. Go fuck whoever you want, cuz I'm done giving a fuck. and fuck you.
I've been going insane for the past 24 hours and he doesn't give a shit. Where is he? Who the fuck knows. Off enjoying his life. It really is better off without me.
Something funny? I didn't even smoke last night because of him, even though I wanted to so bad to get rid of everything negative in my head. But nope, I sat through the negative thoughts to please him.
And today I was so upset I couldn't even go to the gym. And where was he when I needed him? LOL LIKE I KNOW.
I give up. I'm done fucking caring. Go do what you want, Zach. Go fuck whoever you want, cuz I'm done giving a fuck. and fuck you.
Sunday, April 22, 2012
Just another stupid blog post
Do you think some people just run out of caring?
Like, if you're with someone long enough, and it's a long, exhausting trek, eventually someone burns out and just can't care anymore.. even though they want to so bad.
Sometimes I feel like with all the shit I've put him through, he's already reached that point.
And sometimes, it feels like I don't even care..
I don't feel like me anymore.. Well, that's not exactly true. I don't know what 'me' is supposed to feel like anymore. I've been put through so many ups and downs, labels, problems..etcetcetc.. I just don't remember what it's like to have an identity. What is an identity? Is it what you do? What you say? What you think? They say it's who you are, but what do you do if you don't know who or what that is, either? Who am I?
The sad part is, I'm not even high right now. My sober mind feels as jumbled as a stoner's, and I don't know why. Is it because of the depression that has plagued my life for years? The ED that resurfaces long enough to ruin my life over and over again? Or could an almost too-serious-too-soon relationship be the cause? I would hesitate to blame it on the third idea, because the relationship is the last thing I would ever give up. But it scares me that what gives me the most happiness and assurance in this world, also makes me so confused and unaware of myself. Let's just say I'm scared.
What else? I don't even know if I'm better or not. I'm too.. neutral. I'm neither happy nor sad. Just..gray. I don't put myself down so harshly, but I never praise myself. I'm not happy with how my life is now, but I'm not despising it. It's confusing. The confusion and gray-feeling is almost enough to want to... well, let's just say I'm frustrated.
Why though? At least I'm not trying to tear my hair out and hysterically crying on my floor, a sharp object in my hand. That was last year. I'm better than that now, right? But I can't say that this new feeling is much better. I'm still not happy, and I have this butterfly feeling in my gut that makes me want to burst myself open just so I can feeling something. Anything. I want to cut, but it's been so long. I want to ingest pills, but do I really want to die? I don't think I do, I just want to hurt myself. I want the butterflies in my stomach to die. I think it's anxiety. Well then, anxiety, I want you to die. I want to scream from the top of a roof-top. I don't know why. Maybe I need some extreme pleasure-seeking because the pleasure centers in my brain are fucked up because of the depression. I don't know how I'm feeling now, though, so let's just say I'm anxious.
I'm confused.
Fuck.
Like, if you're with someone long enough, and it's a long, exhausting trek, eventually someone burns out and just can't care anymore.. even though they want to so bad.
Sometimes I feel like with all the shit I've put him through, he's already reached that point.
And sometimes, it feels like I don't even care..
I don't feel like me anymore.. Well, that's not exactly true. I don't know what 'me' is supposed to feel like anymore. I've been put through so many ups and downs, labels, problems..etcetcetc.. I just don't remember what it's like to have an identity. What is an identity? Is it what you do? What you say? What you think? They say it's who you are, but what do you do if you don't know who or what that is, either? Who am I?
The sad part is, I'm not even high right now. My sober mind feels as jumbled as a stoner's, and I don't know why. Is it because of the depression that has plagued my life for years? The ED that resurfaces long enough to ruin my life over and over again? Or could an almost too-serious-too-soon relationship be the cause? I would hesitate to blame it on the third idea, because the relationship is the last thing I would ever give up. But it scares me that what gives me the most happiness and assurance in this world, also makes me so confused and unaware of myself. Let's just say I'm scared.
What else? I don't even know if I'm better or not. I'm too.. neutral. I'm neither happy nor sad. Just..gray. I don't put myself down so harshly, but I never praise myself. I'm not happy with how my life is now, but I'm not despising it. It's confusing. The confusion and gray-feeling is almost enough to want to... well, let's just say I'm frustrated.
Why though? At least I'm not trying to tear my hair out and hysterically crying on my floor, a sharp object in my hand. That was last year. I'm better than that now, right? But I can't say that this new feeling is much better. I'm still not happy, and I have this butterfly feeling in my gut that makes me want to burst myself open just so I can feeling something. Anything. I want to cut, but it's been so long. I want to ingest pills, but do I really want to die? I don't think I do, I just want to hurt myself. I want the butterflies in my stomach to die. I think it's anxiety. Well then, anxiety, I want you to die. I want to scream from the top of a roof-top. I don't know why. Maybe I need some extreme pleasure-seeking because the pleasure centers in my brain are fucked up because of the depression. I don't know how I'm feeling now, though, so let's just say I'm anxious.
I'm confused.
Fuck.
Monday, April 9, 2012
Sunday, April 1, 2012
The problem with us is that I'm the only one who ever seems to not be able to sleep after a fight. I'm the only one, and always the first one, to admit it went to far and ask for you to come back.. and I'm the only one who has to wait for the other to get over this sick silent treatment and somehow decide that they want me back.. it's not fair.
I thought you'd come back, or at least text me. I thought if you loved me you would just come back, or better yet not leave at all, and tell me you loved me and that you'd do anything for me like you always say you would.
Yet you're sleeping like a baby right now on the night that was supposed to be ours together.
And I'm the one falling apart.
It really doesn't help your case to give me the silent treatment every time.
One day, maybe tomorrow, I'm going to realize that it shouldn't take you 'time' to realize you still love me. You should just know and shouldn't hesitate to make things right if you want it to work out.
Well, I've given up because I can't convince you anymore. Either you do or you don't.
And well, my darling,
you clearly do not.
I thought you'd come back, or at least text me. I thought if you loved me you would just come back, or better yet not leave at all, and tell me you loved me and that you'd do anything for me like you always say you would.
Yet you're sleeping like a baby right now on the night that was supposed to be ours together.
And I'm the one falling apart.
It really doesn't help your case to give me the silent treatment every time.
One day, maybe tomorrow, I'm going to realize that it shouldn't take you 'time' to realize you still love me. You should just know and shouldn't hesitate to make things right if you want it to work out.
Well, I've given up because I can't convince you anymore. Either you do or you don't.
And well, my darling,
you clearly do not.
Saturday, March 31, 2012
Because I know you'll probably be reading this.. Here is my final attempt for you to understand why this all makes me get 'the way I do'..
When he convinced you to dump me, and later when I learned that he is the reason you did it, it confirmed to me every self-doubt and insecurity I ever had.. not only in my eyes, but in the eyes of the person who was supposed to love me unconditionally and promised just a few days before he'd be there for me and help me get through anything because he loved me. I truly felt, and still feel, unlovable, insane, and anything other negative word you could conjure up from 'lame' to 'a cold-hearted bitch'.
Even when we somehow managed to 'forget' that little problem... when Benoit said all those things..and I don't think you realize how powerful his words hit me.. you may have told him to stop, but you didn't stand up for me. I want you to know that everytime he called me a name or said that I was ruining your life, another part of me turned against myself. I honestly wanted to die every time I thought of him and what he said, because I believed him, and probably still do. And you still want to be friends with him, even though I've told you all this. That every time I hear his name, I get reminded of every horrible thing he's ever said to me and puts me back into some dark place where all I want to do is cease to exist. And you act like I'll get over it, because it's more important that you have this friend that you used to claim wasn't actually your friend, that you never could trust, and that you admit was not a nice person. So, how do you think that makes me feel? You never even tried to understand. You just say "it's not like that. It didn't happen like that.." or try to get me to prove what he said as though you don't believe it..when it all happened right in front of you. It's not that I don't forgive him, it's that I can't forget the things he said. It's you that I can't forgive. I can't forgive you for putting me through agonizing self-loathing so that you can have one more petty friend. I can't forgive you for chosing him over me, for rejecting me in the coldest manner possible, for being completely absent when it comes to me expressing my feelings. And now, for calling this expression of my feelings 'ridiculous.' Even though I may often have feelings of utter self-hate, I still think I deserve someone who wants the best for me mentally and emotionally. And the shit you put me through for benoit just isn't worth it.
You said you thought long and hard about it after he told you to dump me before you did. So, what about me is so horrible that you just had to go through with it?
This is my last favour to you. If I'm so horrible, there you go. You don't have to deal with me anymore.
Good. fucking. bye.
and good riddance.
When he convinced you to dump me, and later when I learned that he is the reason you did it, it confirmed to me every self-doubt and insecurity I ever had.. not only in my eyes, but in the eyes of the person who was supposed to love me unconditionally and promised just a few days before he'd be there for me and help me get through anything because he loved me. I truly felt, and still feel, unlovable, insane, and anything other negative word you could conjure up from 'lame' to 'a cold-hearted bitch'.
Even when we somehow managed to 'forget' that little problem... when Benoit said all those things..and I don't think you realize how powerful his words hit me.. you may have told him to stop, but you didn't stand up for me. I want you to know that everytime he called me a name or said that I was ruining your life, another part of me turned against myself. I honestly wanted to die every time I thought of him and what he said, because I believed him, and probably still do. And you still want to be friends with him, even though I've told you all this. That every time I hear his name, I get reminded of every horrible thing he's ever said to me and puts me back into some dark place where all I want to do is cease to exist. And you act like I'll get over it, because it's more important that you have this friend that you used to claim wasn't actually your friend, that you never could trust, and that you admit was not a nice person. So, how do you think that makes me feel? You never even tried to understand. You just say "it's not like that. It didn't happen like that.." or try to get me to prove what he said as though you don't believe it..when it all happened right in front of you. It's not that I don't forgive him, it's that I can't forget the things he said. It's you that I can't forgive. I can't forgive you for putting me through agonizing self-loathing so that you can have one more petty friend. I can't forgive you for chosing him over me, for rejecting me in the coldest manner possible, for being completely absent when it comes to me expressing my feelings. And now, for calling this expression of my feelings 'ridiculous.' Even though I may often have feelings of utter self-hate, I still think I deserve someone who wants the best for me mentally and emotionally. And the shit you put me through for benoit just isn't worth it.
You said you thought long and hard about it after he told you to dump me before you did. So, what about me is so horrible that you just had to go through with it?
This is my last favour to you. If I'm so horrible, there you go. You don't have to deal with me anymore.
Good. fucking. bye.
and good riddance.
Wednesday, March 14, 2012
I'm fucking tired of this.
What am I good for now, besides writing dramatic blog posts. Can someone tell me? No, because I don't have anyone anymore.
I push them all away because I'm fucking insane. And I don't blame them for not wanting to stick around. I'm truly a horrible, despicable person.
I hate myself, I hate my life. I really don't care about anyone or anything anymore.
I'm surprised I didn't see this coming..I've been acting fucked up and uncontrollable for a while now.
Well I'm fucking done. I never signed myself up for this life, so I'm signing myself out.
Having a strong urge to burn my skin right now. maybe just burn it all off. everything.
Seriously going crazy right now..
I guess this is it.
What am I good for now, besides writing dramatic blog posts. Can someone tell me? No, because I don't have anyone anymore.
I push them all away because I'm fucking insane. And I don't blame them for not wanting to stick around. I'm truly a horrible, despicable person.
I hate myself, I hate my life. I really don't care about anyone or anything anymore.
I'm surprised I didn't see this coming..I've been acting fucked up and uncontrollable for a while now.
Well I'm fucking done. I never signed myself up for this life, so I'm signing myself out.
Having a strong urge to burn my skin right now. maybe just burn it all off. everything.
Seriously going crazy right now..
I guess this is it.
Tuesday, March 13, 2012
One day.
I give myself one day to find a reason to live.
A reason that, despite this black hole that surrounds me, makes me feels that there is a light at the end of the tunnel.
I thought I saw it once, but that was my delusion.
If I can't find something that makes me [relatively] happy on any given day.. i.e. tomorrow.. then what reason do I have to stay?
One day.
Midnight is my deadline.
Heh.. dead-line.. what sick humour I have.
Let tomorrow be the last day I feel sorrow, self-loathing, anxiety, depression.
Let tomorrow be the last day I feel the sun warm my body. Oh, spring...
Let tomorrow be the last day I will ever utter his name.
I'm tired of waiting to pull the trigger when the weapon is loaded right here.
You once promised me you'd never give up.
You once said I was worth it.
You once said we were perfect for each other.
But I've come to realize that they were all
just
lies.
I give myself one day to find a reason to live.
A reason that, despite this black hole that surrounds me, makes me feels that there is a light at the end of the tunnel.
I thought I saw it once, but that was my delusion.
If I can't find something that makes me [relatively] happy on any given day.. i.e. tomorrow.. then what reason do I have to stay?
One day.
Midnight is my deadline.
Heh.. dead-line.. what sick humour I have.
Let tomorrow be the last day I feel sorrow, self-loathing, anxiety, depression.
Let tomorrow be the last day I feel the sun warm my body. Oh, spring...
Let tomorrow be the last day I will ever utter his name.
I'm tired of waiting to pull the trigger when the weapon is loaded right here.
You once said you'd love me forever.
You once promised me you'd never give up.You once said I was worth it.
You once said we were perfect for each other.
But I've come to realize that they were all
just
lies.I feel..
pathetic
stupid
foolish
heartless
uncaring
uncared for
worthless
weak
unlovable
wreckless
uncontrollable
pessimistic
fucked
fucked over
fucked up
played
fat
ugly
mean
rude
bitchy
insensitive
uncompassionate
hollow
unreliable
indignified
shallow
unworthy
unloved.
I guess the world eventually sees right through you.
time to smoke one anyway, screw school. screw expectations. screw everything.
stupid
foolish
heartless
uncaring
uncared for
worthless
weak
unlovable
wreckless
uncontrollable
pessimistic
fucked
fucked over
fucked up
played
fat
ugly
mean
rude
bitchy
insensitive
uncompassionate
hollow
unreliable
indignified
shallow
unworthy
unloved.
I guess the world eventually sees right through you.
time to smoke one anyway, screw school. screw expectations. screw everything.
Urges
I lost every part of me that I care about today. I realized that I am the worthless person I always thought myself to be..
I successfully destroyed my relationship, time to move on to myself.
Urges, oh the urges.
Urges to accidentally cut too deep.
Urges to not eat until the pain takes over.
Urges to work out until I pass out.
Urges to drink and smoke all the sorrows away.
Urges to cease to exist. Ohh, that's a nice one.
Which urge will I fulfill today?
Trick question.
All of them.
*** (From A Rose Amongst Thorns)
Abandoned :
1. To withdraw one's support or help from, especially in spite of duty, allegiance, or responsibility; desert: abandon a friend in trouble.
2. To give up by leaving or ceasing to operate or inhabit, especially as a result of danger or other impending threat: abandoned the ship.
3. To surrender one's claim to, right to, or interest in; give up entirely.
4. To cease trying to continue; desist from: abandoned the search for the missing girl.
5. To yield (oneself) completely, as to emotion.
**
"Sometimes I feel like I'm not... solid. I'm hollow. There's nothing behind my eyes. I'm a negative of a person. It's as if I never - -I never thought anything. I never wrote anything. I never felt anything."
"We're not even two people. Even before we met, we were just these two halves, walking around with big gaping holes in the shape like the other person. And when we found each other we were finally whole. And then it was as if we couldn't stand being happy so we ripped ourselves in half again."
I successfully destroyed my relationship, time to move on to myself.
Urges, oh the urges.
Urges to accidentally cut too deep.
Urges to not eat until the pain takes over.
Urges to work out until I pass out.
Urges to drink and smoke all the sorrows away.
Urges to cease to exist. Ohh, that's a nice one.
Which urge will I fulfill today?
Trick question.
All of them.
*** (From A Rose Amongst Thorns)
Abandoned :
1. To withdraw one's support or help from, especially in spite of duty, allegiance, or responsibility; desert: abandon a friend in trouble.
2. To give up by leaving or ceasing to operate or inhabit, especially as a result of danger or other impending threat: abandoned the ship.
3. To surrender one's claim to, right to, or interest in; give up entirely.
4. To cease trying to continue; desist from: abandoned the search for the missing girl.
5. To yield (oneself) completely, as to emotion.
**
"Sometimes I feel like I'm not... solid. I'm hollow. There's nothing behind my eyes. I'm a negative of a person. It's as if I never - -I never thought anything. I never wrote anything. I never felt anything."
"We're not even two people. Even before we met, we were just these two halves, walking around with big gaping holes in the shape like the other person. And when we found each other we were finally whole. And then it was as if we couldn't stand being happy so we ripped ourselves in half again."
Zach, if you're reading this, I want you to never come back to this site again. There's really no reason to. I seriously dislike you right now. Looking back on us makes me sad for how serious we thought we were, but we were just children pretending we knew what love is. This isn't love.
Sometimes, you have to let something die in order to grow.
I'm done hurting you, and I'm done being hurt. You were right, I'm stupid, irrational, insensitive, and uncaring. You do deserve better.
fuck this.
Friday, March 2, 2012
+.+
It's hard to just give in when your mind is screaming for you not to.
but, because I love him, I'm going to try harder..
I don't really know what will make me happy, but I know that his happiness means the world to me. As long as I can keep him happy, I have strength to keep fighting this.
I'm hungry.
but, because I love him, I'm going to try harder..
I don't really know what will make me happy, but I know that his happiness means the world to me. As long as I can keep him happy, I have strength to keep fighting this.
I'm hungry.
I;m really high and i wanna remember these thoughts.
need to up fitness routine.. and lower cals.. sowie
well, i kind of got trigerred the other day and so my old habits flooded back.
new goal:115 2.5 weeks- haven't been weighed recently, will do later. around 120 lbs
ug: 100by may.
upping my 2 hours to 2.5 hours, then to 3 of fitness per day
downing calories down to 1000, then gradually decrease from there, hopefully 500 in weeks.
good luck.
xx
I'll leave with a reminder on how you actually feel so you don't lose focus:
food=anger, self resentment, guilt, sadness.. later, dispairity,
more = nothing. you're nothing.
I won't stop until I'm happy with myself and my life. or, until I die.
they're trying to control you,
but if you're going out,
you're going out in your own way.
make yourself appear so thin, fragile, and delicate as your soul.
xx
need to up fitness routine.. and lower cals.. sowie
well, i kind of got trigerred the other day and so my old habits flooded back.
new goal:115 2.5 weeks- haven't been weighed recently, will do later. around 120 lbs
ug: 100by may.
upping my 2 hours to 2.5 hours, then to 3 of fitness per day
downing calories down to 1000, then gradually decrease from there, hopefully 500 in weeks.
good luck.
xx
I'll leave with a reminder on how you actually feel so you don't lose focus:
food=anger, self resentment, guilt, sadness.. later, dispairity,
more = nothing. you're nothing.
I won't stop until I'm happy with myself and my life. or, until I die.
they're trying to control you,
but if you're going out,
you're going out in your own way.
make yourself appear so thin, fragile, and delicate as your soul.
xx
Thursday, March 1, 2012
Sunday, February 26, 2012
Sometimes, I lose sight of myself: my happiness, my purpose, my life...
I just don't know why I'm here.
Sometimes, I feel so gray that I can't even decide if I'm happy or sad. It's just 'blah..'
There should be a name for that "I don't even care" feeling.
Sometimes, I think that this type of feeling is almost worse than the suicidal feeling. At least then I could put a label on my emotions. I feel something. Right now, I feel nothing.
And you don't know how difficult it is to go on with everyday life, to write an essay for school, to have a conversation with your boyfriend, to even tell yourself you're hungry and should eat,
when all you feel is n o t h i n g.
Somebody come find me.
I just don't know why I'm here.
Sometimes, I feel so gray that I can't even decide if I'm happy or sad. It's just 'blah..'
There should be a name for that "I don't even care" feeling.
Sometimes, I think that this type of feeling is almost worse than the suicidal feeling. At least then I could put a label on my emotions. I feel something. Right now, I feel nothing.
And you don't know how difficult it is to go on with everyday life, to write an essay for school, to have a conversation with your boyfriend, to even tell yourself you're hungry and should eat,
when all you feel is n o t h i n g.
Somebody come find me.
Thursday, February 2, 2012
{|}
There are days when feeling happy seems so effortless.
This is not one of those days.
Sometimes, I feel like succumbing to the darkness is a lot easier. Maybe it's what I was made for..
This is not one of those days.
Sometimes, I feel like succumbing to the darkness is a lot easier. Maybe it's what I was made for..
Saturday, January 7, 2012
Tuesday, January 3, 2012
I'm still here...
and for once, I think I'm happy about it.
Zach read my blog, and I think he finally started to understand everything. After I gave him the link, as an attempt to give him some sort of clue as to why my behaviour is always so irrational and erratic, I re-read my posts from the very beginning. Well, we talked for a long time. We both realized we had things to change about ourselves (for the better, of course), but we didn't know if we should do this together or apart, but because we still love each other we decided to try it together. It was hard at first; I was completely broken after having lost the love of my life twice in two days over something that was completely my fault, yet at the same time I had no control over. And after discovering he had broken up with me because his friend, Benoit (see last post), told him that if he didn't by New Year's, he wouldn't be friends with him...so he chose Benoit... this jerk of a friend who he doesn't even care about, nor does he like most of the time...
That was the hardest thing to learn.. I'm still questioning his feelings for me, as well as mine for him.. and I'm doubting my ability to be loved. For now, I know that he loves me and I love him, and that's enough for me.
Right now, I am happier than I have been in a long time. It feels like I've been waken up; plucked out of the black hole that has plagued me for years. I've been off my anti-depressants for a week (which may have contributed to my super-psycho-bitch behaviours this past week..), and I feel more in control of my emotions than when I was on them. I'm finally able to cherish what I have and more than willing to change things to make my life better, and to finally allow true happiness with Zach. We agreed that I would continue to work on controlling my emotions, finding new coping mechanisms, and trying to recognize when I'm entering a bad mood so I can control it before it becomes overwhelming. We also said we'd try to hang out less to avoid becoming each other's coping mechanisms, so that at times when we don't have each other due to other commitments, we don't go insane (and by we, I mean me...).
And the biggest thing I promised, is that I'd give up cutting, smoking pot, drinking alcohol, my ED, and PT. Smoking and drinking will be easy...but it's the others I'm worried about. Cutting will be hard, especially since it's become comforting to see the scars. Watching them slowly disappear may make me upset at first, but I know that in the end I will be healthier and happier. And my ED, well, it's been a while since I've been stuck in the full swing of things, but I never really recovered from it..so it's going to be hard saying goodbye for good. And I know it doesn't just "go away", one of the most common misconceptions about eating disorders. I'm just going to have to talk to my psychiatrist about it and hope that my other coping mechanisms will help me through it. Finally, I'm afraid of giving up PT. The online community has been there for me at times I felt so alone.. but now I know I'm not, and I realize it only actually ever harmed me, so it's time to give it up so I can get better for good. I have Zach anyways, which is much more worth it.
So here's to a new year, and a new me. I know it's only been two days, but I've never felt so powerful and motivated before. I really think I can do it this time. I'm a couple days late, but here are my goals for the next year (and hopefully more) :
Zach read my blog, and I think he finally started to understand everything. After I gave him the link, as an attempt to give him some sort of clue as to why my behaviour is always so irrational and erratic, I re-read my posts from the very beginning. Well, we talked for a long time. We both realized we had things to change about ourselves (for the better, of course), but we didn't know if we should do this together or apart, but because we still love each other we decided to try it together. It was hard at first; I was completely broken after having lost the love of my life twice in two days over something that was completely my fault, yet at the same time I had no control over. And after discovering he had broken up with me because his friend, Benoit (see last post), told him that if he didn't by New Year's, he wouldn't be friends with him...so he chose Benoit... this jerk of a friend who he doesn't even care about, nor does he like most of the time...
That was the hardest thing to learn.. I'm still questioning his feelings for me, as well as mine for him.. and I'm doubting my ability to be loved. For now, I know that he loves me and I love him, and that's enough for me.
Right now, I am happier than I have been in a long time. It feels like I've been waken up; plucked out of the black hole that has plagued me for years. I've been off my anti-depressants for a week (which may have contributed to my super-psycho-bitch behaviours this past week..), and I feel more in control of my emotions than when I was on them. I'm finally able to cherish what I have and more than willing to change things to make my life better, and to finally allow true happiness with Zach. We agreed that I would continue to work on controlling my emotions, finding new coping mechanisms, and trying to recognize when I'm entering a bad mood so I can control it before it becomes overwhelming. We also said we'd try to hang out less to avoid becoming each other's coping mechanisms, so that at times when we don't have each other due to other commitments, we don't go insane (and by we, I mean me...).
And the biggest thing I promised, is that I'd give up cutting, smoking pot, drinking alcohol, my ED, and PT. Smoking and drinking will be easy...but it's the others I'm worried about. Cutting will be hard, especially since it's become comforting to see the scars. Watching them slowly disappear may make me upset at first, but I know that in the end I will be healthier and happier. And my ED, well, it's been a while since I've been stuck in the full swing of things, but I never really recovered from it..so it's going to be hard saying goodbye for good. And I know it doesn't just "go away", one of the most common misconceptions about eating disorders. I'm just going to have to talk to my psychiatrist about it and hope that my other coping mechanisms will help me through it. Finally, I'm afraid of giving up PT. The online community has been there for me at times I felt so alone.. but now I know I'm not, and I realize it only actually ever harmed me, so it's time to give it up so I can get better for good. I have Zach anyways, which is much more worth it.
So here's to a new year, and a new me. I know it's only been two days, but I've never felt so powerful and motivated before. I really think I can do it this time. I'm a couple days late, but here are my goals for the next year (and hopefully more) :
- Learn to play guitar
- Join (and go to) the gym (at least 3-4x per week)
- Get in shape (NOTE: not necessarily means lose weight)
- Other coping mechanisms, such as going on walks, writing [blog, songs, etc], studying, etc
- Study more (do all readings before class time, review all notes the next day)
- Get more sleep :)
- Get out of, and stay out of, debt!
- Spend more time with pets :)
- Do more leisure reading
- More time for friends and family
- Take more initiative to see doctor and psychiatrist more often
- LOVE ZACH! :)
more to be posted as I make them :)
Peace out:)
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