I started cutting my stomach so that it was less visible to the rest of the world..i.e. my mom, and friends and such. Zach had been pushing for me to stop and to see someone, but I insisted that I could stop on my own. I went maybe a week or two without cutting but one night I was texting Zach while I was having a huge episode of..whatever. some weird depressed mood.. anyway, I admitted to him that I had cut my stomach and it really hurt and wouldn't stop bleeding, but that I couldn't stop cutting, and he came over and told me to stop. Well, we talked for a long time about it and it ended in him telling me that I had to go see a doctor or else he wouldn't be able to stay with me longer because it hurts him to see me do this to myself. So, I thought about it and agreed to go and get a referral to a psychiatrist. This was Friday I believe. Today is Wednesday, still haven't called. He's told me every day to make the call but I keep saying they're closed or whatever, but the truth is I'm scared and he knows it. I don't even know if I want help, in some twisted way. I don't know who I am without this part of me.
So yeah, I know he'll get through to me soon. And a visit to the doc is in the near future for me. But I know they can't help me unless I want help, which I certainly don't.. so I'm really scared they'll hospitalize me/ put me on suicide watch. Which is don't want to do. I know it sounds dumb and childish, but no. No doctors for me.
Anywho, it's been a long time since I said this, but peace out. <3
