Dont remember if I posted here about this yet, but here is my December plan:
- *binge free until 2011!*
- 100-300 calories tues-fri & sundays
- 800 on saturdays
- fast mondays
Theres more, but im on my phone at school and it, well sucks for typing
EDIT: okay, I'm in the library. I hate how PT is blocked here. I just want to go home and start posting! I was lucky and got the computer in the back corner, which is the only one guaranteed not to have anybody creep what you're doing. So here I am on my blog :)
So I SHOULD be doing homework, especially after the failure of a 'catch up day' yesterday... but I'm not. I should also be beautifying myself since my grad photos are being taken next period...but I'm not. Nope. Thought that instead I'd go on my blog and get in touch with the rest of the world...even if nobody is reading this. Oh well, makes me feel better :)
So I guess in about 1/2 hour I will go to the washroom and make myself gawwguss ;) Shouldn't take long ;) ;)
then after that...math class :( It's long and boring and just overall blows. I spend the whole period on my phone talking to other bored slackers and surfing PT and facebook. I can't post anything on PT from my phone for some reason though, so I have to go home and hopefully remember everything I wanted to say. I work at 5 today, and I should be home around 3:30, so that'll give me about an hour to go on PT, do a bit of homework, and get ready for work. I wish I had enough time to take a nap, too, but after being away for 3 days, I really need ma PeeTee :)
So today is the first official day of the above December plan. It's Monday, so I'm not eating today. It's going rather well, I'm just really dehydrated and I need to find some water ASAP! Other than that, I have a couple rumblies in my tummy and a faint headache, but it's going relatively well. I only work 3 hours, thank goodness, so I shouldn't be too bad at work. Then I expect to just go home and do homework and have a warm shower and go to BED :D Ohh, it feels so far away. I just want my bed RAIIGHT HERE RAIIGHT NOW. Sorry, I just say random things when I'm tired. And cold. Oh, so cold. :(
But overall, today is a pretty happy day :)
Monday, November 29, 2010
Sunday, November 28, 2010
it's sunday...
my first sunday off in... three months I think. I woke up way too early because my mom's boyfriend was playing with his new nail gun and air compressor. I got to bed around 2:30 am and woke up just after 11:30. Not bad, I guess, but with all the sleep deprivation I've had lately I really needed at least an extra 4 hours :/
Oh well, it's 3 pm and I've already cleaned my room, my bathroom, started laundry, and put away all my new clothes. I was going to start my homework sometime within the next hour or so, and hopefully I'll be done by 8 pm. Work is having a movie night tonight, but I'm not going because I have way too much to do. I'm also going to go through all my receipts and plan out a budget since it's stressing me out that I have all this money going out and barely anything coming in in comparison.
Oh yeah, another thing I've done since waking up... eating.
I woke up this morning and since I've been eating loads of junk within the past three days, I felt like eating. At least I didn't eat junk... I had a grilled cheese sandwich, tomato soup, saltine crackers, and some pretzel sticks. My stomach feels so bloated and I hate this feeling.
It's easier for me to fast during the schoolweek, anyway. So I won't eat anything else today or tomorrow. I only work a dumb 3 hour shift tomorrow, so I shouldn't feel weak enough to have to eat. I believe I work 5 hours on Tuesday, so I may need to have an apple before work. Hopefully I won't eat any more than that. However, unfortunately for me, Wednesday is our school's cake auction. Every class raises money and sends two representatives to bid on cakes (using the money the class has raised...so if your class has more money you get the better cakes) Our class, incidently, has the most money right now. So we'll be getting at least two cakes and we'll be eating them in class on wednesday. ugh. I'm going to muster up the strength to not eat the cake, and if I do I'm going to have to learn how to purge before then. I need this week to go alright... I spent way too much on clothes and if I continue eating the way I have this weekend they will not fit by the end of the week. plus....I'm just revolting right now.
I'm really tired, so I may have a nap before doing homework and budgeting. I'm checking out PT users' blogs right now, so hopefully I'll gain strength from doing that.
EDIT: I checked the scale, and I haven't gained any weight at all... :/ that's so odd. Oh well, better safe than sorry. Still no more food.
DOUBLE EDIT: I'm working on creating a tumblr... It's http://minimize--me.tumblr.com/
I also changed the name of this blog to minimize--me.blogspot.com, just because I hated the 'fatfreeperfection' title.
Oh well, it's 3 pm and I've already cleaned my room, my bathroom, started laundry, and put away all my new clothes. I was going to start my homework sometime within the next hour or so, and hopefully I'll be done by 8 pm. Work is having a movie night tonight, but I'm not going because I have way too much to do. I'm also going to go through all my receipts and plan out a budget since it's stressing me out that I have all this money going out and barely anything coming in in comparison.
Oh yeah, another thing I've done since waking up... eating.
I woke up this morning and since I've been eating loads of junk within the past three days, I felt like eating. At least I didn't eat junk... I had a grilled cheese sandwich, tomato soup, saltine crackers, and some pretzel sticks. My stomach feels so bloated and I hate this feeling.
It's easier for me to fast during the schoolweek, anyway. So I won't eat anything else today or tomorrow. I only work a dumb 3 hour shift tomorrow, so I shouldn't feel weak enough to have to eat. I believe I work 5 hours on Tuesday, so I may need to have an apple before work. Hopefully I won't eat any more than that. However, unfortunately for me, Wednesday is our school's cake auction. Every class raises money and sends two representatives to bid on cakes (using the money the class has raised...so if your class has more money you get the better cakes) Our class, incidently, has the most money right now. So we'll be getting at least two cakes and we'll be eating them in class on wednesday. ugh. I'm going to muster up the strength to not eat the cake, and if I do I'm going to have to learn how to purge before then. I need this week to go alright... I spent way too much on clothes and if I continue eating the way I have this weekend they will not fit by the end of the week. plus....I'm just revolting right now.
I'm really tired, so I may have a nap before doing homework and budgeting. I'm checking out PT users' blogs right now, so hopefully I'll gain strength from doing that.
EDIT: I checked the scale, and I haven't gained any weight at all... :/ that's so odd. Oh well, better safe than sorry. Still no more food.
DOUBLE EDIT: I'm working on creating a tumblr... It's http://minimize--me.tumblr.com/
I also changed the name of this blog to minimize--me.blogspot.com, just because I hated the 'fatfreeperfection' title.
shopping has consequences...
Ugh...just got back from 2 full days of shopping in/around Syracuse, NY. We left right after I finished work at 7 on thursday evening and only got back around 20 minutes ago. What a weekend. I went down with just over $200 cash in my wallet, but I ended up spending over $500... oopsies. At least I have a bunch of nice new clothes that should last a while.
I'm celebrating the fact that I am now XS in all the stores, and 0 or 00 in most stores, with the exception of one pair of pants I had to buy in a size 1. Since they are mostly the smallest sizes available, even when I lose more weight soon, I'll be forced to wear them anyway (since there is honestly nothing smaller...)
BUT I did eat a hell of a lot of food this weekend. There was nothing open on thursday because of thanksgiving, and I hadn't eaten all day. I was forced to eat pre-packaged refined sugar and fat from a gas station, which probably totaled about 800 calories. Friday, I had two egg whites, two pieces of toast, hashbrowns, yogurt and strawberries, and chocolate milk from denny's for breakfast. I was able to skip lunch because we separated in the carousel centre, so I didn't have my mother breathing down my neck telling me to eat. However, we also got lost for two hours because my phone decided to stop working so I was panicking trying to find her. I spent $3 and countless attempts to reach her using a payphone, but she kept hanging up instead of waiting for the call to click into her phone... but we FINALLY found each other :) Then, we went to a diner, and I had a grilled cheese sandwhich, a few fries, and a couple of mozzerella sticks. At the hotel, I had an orange crush [ :( ], and a few of the leftover gas station snacks. Today, I had 3 mini donuts, hashbrowns, a blueberry muffin, a veggie burger from burger king, mcd's fries and snack sized mcflurry, and a starbucks nonfat caramel brule latte no whip...and probably gas station snacks too. I stupidly made this weekend an excuse to eat. I guess tomorrow's a fasting day. I was going to go to a work event- which was a movie night- but now I can see I'll just be tempted to indulge in the free snacks they're serving... so that's a no-go.
I was going to do my homework tonight so I could have tomorrow all free to myself, but I'm way to tired. I booked off the whole weekend, so I don't have to work tomorrow (yay!) I haven't had a single day off from work or school since...well, probably august. I think I'm going to check to see what I missed on PT in the last couple of days then sink into a deep sleep for the next 15 hours. (Oh, btw, I couldn't get internet anywhere, so I was facing major PT withdrawal symptoms yesterday).
Oh yeah, I also found out I'm out $550 for that car I hit last week. So in total, I'm down over $1000 bucks, without counting the trips, christmas presents, or legally blonde...I guess I may have to tell my friends I can't afford to go to the show :(
I'm celebrating the fact that I am now XS in all the stores, and 0 or 00 in most stores, with the exception of one pair of pants I had to buy in a size 1. Since they are mostly the smallest sizes available, even when I lose more weight soon, I'll be forced to wear them anyway (since there is honestly nothing smaller...)
BUT I did eat a hell of a lot of food this weekend. There was nothing open on thursday because of thanksgiving, and I hadn't eaten all day. I was forced to eat pre-packaged refined sugar and fat from a gas station, which probably totaled about 800 calories. Friday, I had two egg whites, two pieces of toast, hashbrowns, yogurt and strawberries, and chocolate milk from denny's for breakfast. I was able to skip lunch because we separated in the carousel centre, so I didn't have my mother breathing down my neck telling me to eat. However, we also got lost for two hours because my phone decided to stop working so I was panicking trying to find her. I spent $3 and countless attempts to reach her using a payphone, but she kept hanging up instead of waiting for the call to click into her phone... but we FINALLY found each other :) Then, we went to a diner, and I had a grilled cheese sandwhich, a few fries, and a couple of mozzerella sticks. At the hotel, I had an orange crush [ :( ], and a few of the leftover gas station snacks. Today, I had 3 mini donuts, hashbrowns, a blueberry muffin, a veggie burger from burger king, mcd's fries and snack sized mcflurry, and a starbucks nonfat caramel brule latte no whip...and probably gas station snacks too. I stupidly made this weekend an excuse to eat. I guess tomorrow's a fasting day. I was going to go to a work event- which was a movie night- but now I can see I'll just be tempted to indulge in the free snacks they're serving... so that's a no-go.
I was going to do my homework tonight so I could have tomorrow all free to myself, but I'm way to tired. I booked off the whole weekend, so I don't have to work tomorrow (yay!) I haven't had a single day off from work or school since...well, probably august. I think I'm going to check to see what I missed on PT in the last couple of days then sink into a deep sleep for the next 15 hours. (Oh, btw, I couldn't get internet anywhere, so I was facing major PT withdrawal symptoms yesterday).
Oh yeah, I also found out I'm out $550 for that car I hit last week. So in total, I'm down over $1000 bucks, without counting the trips, christmas presents, or legally blonde...I guess I may have to tell my friends I can't afford to go to the show :(
Thursday, November 25, 2010
:D
I got published in the Ottawa Citizen today for a Cappies review I submitted (note: Cappies is a program for high schools around north america- each city has its own individual program. Each school participating in it- I believe in my city, it's 36- has a team of 6 Cappies critics- students who attend the other schools' plays and muscials and write reviews on them that have a chance to be published in the newspaper. At the end of the year, there is voting for nominees in different categories, much like the Academy Awards and there is a huge gala...). First play I attended since joining the team, and I didn't think the review was very well written. Well, I found out today that an excerpt of my review was published :)
That puts me in a good mood, despite my being bad and eating a nanaimo bar :(
So, for the day I've had:
breakfast: toast with cal-reduced butter (90ish)
lunch: none
after school: oatmeal (130)
work: apple slices (40)
total before the incident: 260ish...
plus the nanaimo bar, which is anywhere between 150 and 300 calories! I have no clue though- she bought it at the bakery down the street and they don't have labels on their food :/
ugh. I decided to fast tomorrow though. So we'll see.
I'm still too stoked to care about it though...
That puts me in a good mood, despite my being bad and eating a nanaimo bar :(
So, for the day I've had:
breakfast: toast with cal-reduced butter (90ish)
lunch: none
after school: oatmeal (130)
work: apple slices (40)
total before the incident: 260ish...
plus the nanaimo bar, which is anywhere between 150 and 300 calories! I have no clue though- she bought it at the bakery down the street and they don't have labels on their food :/
ugh. I decided to fast tomorrow though. So we'll see.
I'm still too stoked to care about it though...
Wednesday, November 24, 2010
2nd allnighter in the past week =(
ugh. It's almost 1 am, only got home from work 1/2 hour ago. People are dumb. Fatasses, get outta mcdicks.
So, clearly I cannot be trusted alone on a computer when I'm supposed to be doing homework...It's been 45 minutes and I've been on PT and blogspot...ugh, so not getting sleep tonight. I'm going to shower after this post, then I'll do one last check on PT and start my homework. I just wanted to make sure I made a meal plan for tomorrow.
Today, I stopped at timmies on the way home and, like the fatass I am, got a donut, a cookie, and a french vanilla... :( So, cal count for the day is estimated at 1000, probably more. :( :( :( :(
Tomorrow will be better. I'll make a plan to be sure of it. I'll be way too busy and tired to eat, anyway.
Brekkie: 1 piece toast with a bit of cal-reduced butter (85)
Lunch: noneeee
At school- if needed: something from the machine, but only up to 80 cal serving
after school: 1/2 granola bar (45)
supper: apple slices (40)
Total for day: 170-250
Okay, time to shower. Peace out
So, clearly I cannot be trusted alone on a computer when I'm supposed to be doing homework...It's been 45 minutes and I've been on PT and blogspot...ugh, so not getting sleep tonight. I'm going to shower after this post, then I'll do one last check on PT and start my homework. I just wanted to make sure I made a meal plan for tomorrow.
Today, I stopped at timmies on the way home and, like the fatass I am, got a donut, a cookie, and a french vanilla... :( So, cal count for the day is estimated at 1000, probably more. :( :( :( :(
Tomorrow will be better. I'll make a plan to be sure of it. I'll be way too busy and tired to eat, anyway.
Brekkie: 1 piece toast with a bit of cal-reduced butter (85)
Lunch: noneeee
At school- if needed: something from the machine, but only up to 80 cal serving
after school: 1/2 granola bar (45)
supper: apple slices (40)
Total for day: 170-250
Okay, time to shower. Peace out
Tuesday, November 23, 2010
:)
Yesterday was pretty good.
I skipped brekky, not good because it made me feel sick all day. After school, I had 1/2 a granola bar (45) to try to settle my stomach and heal my headache. At work, I had apple slices (40). However, I was feeling extremely sick at work. I was dizzy, lightheaded, my head was pounding, I thought I was going to throw up, and I was shaking uncontrollably, so they sent me home early. I got home and had a piece of toast with a bit of calorie-reduced butter (85). I'm not too happy about that, but I felt I had to :/
So total yesterday was 170.
Today is already a bit of a failure. My sister baked cookies at 2 am...I know, a little random lol. I didn't go to my first class because my head was still hurting, but I had to go to drama because we had dress rehearsals today, plus she said she was going to assign exams today and I didn't want to get stuck with a bad group. Anyway, when I got up, my sister was also up and told me about the cookies and gave me two. They looked so good that I gobbled them up. I don't even know what the calorie count in them is, which is freaking me out (let's just say 260) . Well, I also had a piece of toast with butter (85) for brekky and two baby carrots for lunch (8). I think I may have more apples at work (40) and maybe half a granola bar when I get home (45). Not a great day :(
Total so far: 350 ish
Expected total for day: 430 ish
I'm extremely stressed right now. I should be working on my math homework that I didn't do. I have it next period...eek.
I should also be working on a play that's due for writer's craft. It has to be good because my mark is really low, and it's going to hurt my chances of getting accepted to Biomed.
AND I have a play review due tomorrow... that's going to take me a while too.
Then, I'm going to have more math homework assigned next period, so I'll be really behind tonight. I work 5-11, I'll probably get home around 3:30, so I'll have an hour then to work on homework, but I'll probably end up on PT since I just found out it's been blocked at school. My phone broke, too, so I can't go on from there. :(
Oh yeah, I also got my uni pin to apply to university, so I'll be working on that too, luckily I have until January, though. AANNND leadership camp applications are due thursday, AAAAANNNNNDDDD a lot of scholarship applications are due within the next week. I'm working today and tomorrow 5-11, thursday 5-7, then I'm going to new york right after (so I may do some homework in the car) until saturday night. Lots of shopping, hoping I don't waste too much money though. Alot will be on Christmas prezzies. Sunday, I was hoping to have a relaxation day since I haven't had a single day off since June (and I mean that, work every weekend and 2-3 nights a week, plus school mon-fri). I'll try to get it all done before saturday, and I may stay up really late on saturday to do it, too. Ohh, I can't wait until this week is over...
I skipped brekky, not good because it made me feel sick all day. After school, I had 1/2 a granola bar (45) to try to settle my stomach and heal my headache. At work, I had apple slices (40). However, I was feeling extremely sick at work. I was dizzy, lightheaded, my head was pounding, I thought I was going to throw up, and I was shaking uncontrollably, so they sent me home early. I got home and had a piece of toast with a bit of calorie-reduced butter (85). I'm not too happy about that, but I felt I had to :/
So total yesterday was 170.
Today is already a bit of a failure. My sister baked cookies at 2 am...I know, a little random lol. I didn't go to my first class because my head was still hurting, but I had to go to drama because we had dress rehearsals today, plus she said she was going to assign exams today and I didn't want to get stuck with a bad group. Anyway, when I got up, my sister was also up and told me about the cookies and gave me two. They looked so good that I gobbled them up. I don't even know what the calorie count in them is, which is freaking me out (let's just say 260) . Well, I also had a piece of toast with butter (85) for brekky and two baby carrots for lunch (8). I think I may have more apples at work (40) and maybe half a granola bar when I get home (45). Not a great day :(
Total so far: 350 ish
Expected total for day: 430 ish
I'm extremely stressed right now. I should be working on my math homework that I didn't do. I have it next period...eek.
I should also be working on a play that's due for writer's craft. It has to be good because my mark is really low, and it's going to hurt my chances of getting accepted to Biomed.
AND I have a play review due tomorrow... that's going to take me a while too.
Then, I'm going to have more math homework assigned next period, so I'll be really behind tonight. I work 5-11, I'll probably get home around 3:30, so I'll have an hour then to work on homework, but I'll probably end up on PT since I just found out it's been blocked at school. My phone broke, too, so I can't go on from there. :(
Oh yeah, I also got my uni pin to apply to university, so I'll be working on that too, luckily I have until January, though. AANNND leadership camp applications are due thursday, AAAAANNNNNDDDD a lot of scholarship applications are due within the next week. I'm working today and tomorrow 5-11, thursday 5-7, then I'm going to new york right after (so I may do some homework in the car) until saturday night. Lots of shopping, hoping I don't waste too much money though. Alot will be on Christmas prezzies. Sunday, I was hoping to have a relaxation day since I haven't had a single day off since June (and I mean that, work every weekend and 2-3 nights a week, plus school mon-fri). I'll try to get it all done before saturday, and I may stay up really late on saturday to do it, too. Ohh, I can't wait until this week is over...
Sunday, November 21, 2010
Let this be a lesson to you...
I binged. I was weak and I binged.
Chocolate, pizza, cookies, pretzels, crackers, snack cakes...
And I couldn't purge. I was just about to finally get it up when I thought I heard my mom in my room, so I turned off the tap and wiped off my face, but then I heard her talking on the phone outside my room. After that, I was just so paranoid I couldn't do it. I gained 3 lbs on this binge. :(
So, I am going to write down everything I'm feeling right now, so in the future if I feel like bingeing, I'll read this and hope it discourages me.
Put down the cookie, fatass
It's not worth it. Look at at: sure it looks...chocolatey, moist, rich, sweet; everything you want right now. It looks innocent- it looks like it will give you comfort, right? But it won't. That cookie is just evil. It's luring you in with it's comforting smell, teases you with it's chocolate. You won't taste any of it, though. Not even if you *attempt* to eat it slowly. It will pass over your taste buds and go straight to your stomach, where it will sit and make you feel horrible for ages. It will remind you that you are indeed a failure and shouldn't even bother living. You'll try to purge, but nothing will come up because you're a failure at that, too. So it will sit in the stomach like a heavy brick, weighing you down and bringing the digits on the scale into the triple digits. Your hipbones will waste away under a layer of suffocating fat, and your chin- oh, your chin- will become nothing but a big blob of lard. All of this in a matter of moments. Trust me, I'm looking in the mirror right now. Your clothes will immediately feel smaller and you won't be able to breathe. You won't be able to do your homework because you'll be too busy crying over the stupid cookie and feeling your sides expand to fill the room. You'll sit in front of the computer, feeling sorry for yourself, making plans to fast when you know it won't happen because you are a
f a i l u r e .
So, was it worth it?
Chocolate, pizza, cookies, pretzels, crackers, snack cakes...
And I couldn't purge. I was just about to finally get it up when I thought I heard my mom in my room, so I turned off the tap and wiped off my face, but then I heard her talking on the phone outside my room. After that, I was just so paranoid I couldn't do it. I gained 3 lbs on this binge. :(
So, I am going to write down everything I'm feeling right now, so in the future if I feel like bingeing, I'll read this and hope it discourages me.
Put down the cookie, fatass
It's not worth it. Look at at: sure it looks...chocolatey, moist, rich, sweet; everything you want right now. It looks innocent- it looks like it will give you comfort, right? But it won't. That cookie is just evil. It's luring you in with it's comforting smell, teases you with it's chocolate. You won't taste any of it, though. Not even if you *attempt* to eat it slowly. It will pass over your taste buds and go straight to your stomach, where it will sit and make you feel horrible for ages. It will remind you that you are indeed a failure and shouldn't even bother living. You'll try to purge, but nothing will come up because you're a failure at that, too. So it will sit in the stomach like a heavy brick, weighing you down and bringing the digits on the scale into the triple digits. Your hipbones will waste away under a layer of suffocating fat, and your chin- oh, your chin- will become nothing but a big blob of lard. All of this in a matter of moments. Trust me, I'm looking in the mirror right now. Your clothes will immediately feel smaller and you won't be able to breathe. You won't be able to do your homework because you'll be too busy crying over the stupid cookie and feeling your sides expand to fill the room. You'll sit in front of the computer, feeling sorry for yourself, making plans to fast when you know it won't happen because you are a
f a i l u r e .
So, was it worth it?
UGH :/
Today's not bad.
I'm definitely not drinking enough water though :/
I've only had a cup of coke zero and my daily glass of milk so far.
To eat, I had apple slices at work (40)
My stomach is going crazy right now, though. I may get some grapes or something for supper.
And... I have crazy cravings :( I read something on PT about someone craving cookies, and now I'M CRAVING COOKIES :( I also really want chocolate and cheese (mmm grilled cheese), and pizza and brownies and ice cream and toaster strudels and pop tarts and granola bars and ritz cheese crackers and cheetos... Good thing we only have the cheese and the cookies or a binge may be unavoidable. I'm feeling week, though, and I hope I don't go crazy any time soon
I'm extremely tired and have TONS of homework. SOOO not getting done.
On the bright side, I'm down a pound (yay!)
On the down side, I'm also down a lot of money. There was a storm on wednesday and I was at a play and in the parking lot when I was leaving, the wind blew my car door all the way open and broke the side mirror off the car beside me. They were really nice about it, but my dad just told me I may have to pay at least $100 to get it fixed, and on top of that there's christmas coming up, I'm going to see legally blond in december (tickets are $90 each, and I said I'd pay for a friend), I'm going to new york on thursday (there's ~$400), and again on a school trip in march (~$800), then there's leadership camp ($75), and finally...my sis wants to get manicures ($50)...also, I haven't paid my cell bill yet ($50) or my car insurance ($180). So that's ~$1835 out, and I only get about $300-400 bi-weekly :S That's about 3 months worth of pay, and on top of that I'll be constantly buying gas! Oh my god, I'll have no spending money at all :(
I HAVE to stop buying stuff...
EDIT: okay, today is gone. I had some pretzels and 1/2 a joe louis...I don't even like joe louises...ugh. My mom's also making tomato soup and grilled cheese and getting angry because I never eat supper with them. I think I'll eat some, then go have a nap before attempting to do my homework. I have no attention span anymore...It took me a minute just to write that last sentence because I forgot the words for "attention span"...ugh. Today is so..blah
Fast officially starts tomorrow. I WILL be 96 pounds by thursday. That's 2 pounds that I'm sure you could do. If you get to 95, then I'll be verrrry happy :)
I'm definitely not drinking enough water though :/
I've only had a cup of coke zero and my daily glass of milk so far.
To eat, I had apple slices at work (40)
My stomach is going crazy right now, though. I may get some grapes or something for supper.
And... I have crazy cravings :( I read something on PT about someone craving cookies, and now I'M CRAVING COOKIES :( I also really want chocolate and cheese (mmm grilled cheese), and pizza and brownies and ice cream and toaster strudels and pop tarts and granola bars and ritz cheese crackers and cheetos... Good thing we only have the cheese and the cookies or a binge may be unavoidable. I'm feeling week, though, and I hope I don't go crazy any time soon
I'm extremely tired and have TONS of homework. SOOO not getting done.
On the bright side, I'm down a pound (yay!)
On the down side, I'm also down a lot of money. There was a storm on wednesday and I was at a play and in the parking lot when I was leaving, the wind blew my car door all the way open and broke the side mirror off the car beside me. They were really nice about it, but my dad just told me I may have to pay at least $100 to get it fixed, and on top of that there's christmas coming up, I'm going to see legally blond in december (tickets are $90 each, and I said I'd pay for a friend), I'm going to new york on thursday (there's ~$400), and again on a school trip in march (~$800), then there's leadership camp ($75), and finally...my sis wants to get manicures ($50)...also, I haven't paid my cell bill yet ($50) or my car insurance ($180). So that's ~$1835 out, and I only get about $300-400 bi-weekly :S That's about 3 months worth of pay, and on top of that I'll be constantly buying gas! Oh my god, I'll have no spending money at all :(
I HAVE to stop buying stuff...
EDIT: okay, today is gone. I had some pretzels and 1/2 a joe louis...I don't even like joe louises...ugh. My mom's also making tomato soup and grilled cheese and getting angry because I never eat supper with them. I think I'll eat some, then go have a nap before attempting to do my homework. I have no attention span anymore...It took me a minute just to write that last sentence because I forgot the words for "attention span"...ugh. Today is so..blah
Fast officially starts tomorrow. I WILL be 96 pounds by thursday. That's 2 pounds that I'm sure you could do. If you get to 95, then I'll be verrrry happy :)
Saturday, November 20, 2010
FAST
I've been horrible. 1000 calorie days for the past 3 or 4 days :(
And I found out that my bmr is only 1300 :( I thought it was at least 1600, but apparently not :(
I'm going on a fast tomorrow until thursday.
RULES:
1. Every day: at least 8 glasses of water + 1 cup of green tea/1 piece of green tea gum
2. diet coke is allowed, but try not to drink too much!
3. Only calories can come from my daily 1 glass of milk AND apple slices or salad while I'm working. NO OTHER EXCEPTIONS
4. No getting caught again. Avoid home if necessary.
5. Fast starts tomorrow, the moment I wake up.
I feel like I'm forgetting something, but oh well. I I remember, I'll re-post
That'd better put me back on track :)
And I found out that my bmr is only 1300 :( I thought it was at least 1600, but apparently not :(
I'm going on a fast tomorrow until thursday.
RULES:
1. Every day: at least 8 glasses of water + 1 cup of green tea/1 piece of green tea gum
2. diet coke is allowed, but try not to drink too much!
3. Only calories can come from my daily 1 glass of milk AND apple slices or salad while I'm working. NO OTHER EXCEPTIONS
4. No getting caught again. Avoid home if necessary.
5. Fast starts tomorrow, the moment I wake up.
I feel like I'm forgetting something, but oh well. I I remember, I'll re-post
That'd better put me back on track :)
Wednesday, November 17, 2010
Tuesday, November 16, 2010
This is why I don't eat...
Because I don't stop.
So my plan was to eat 200 calories today, and I was going to have salad and soup for supper, around 120.
Well, mom and I met at the mall (and my sister decided to come, too).
my sister kept complaining about being hungry, and I couldn't remember the last time I ate out with the family, so today I ate for comfort reasons.
At least I was stubborn and insisted we go to subway, where I had a 6 inch veggie sub on 9 grain wheat. Est. 254
Then I had 2 cookies... at 212 each :S
THEN I got home and ate: 3 mini candy bars (140), a bag of cheezies (150), a bag of chips (150), some pretzels (around 100?), and a piece of cheese (45).
oh.my.god.
during the day, I had a yogurt (35), grapes (30) and salad (25)
total for the day....991. :(
I don't consider it a binge, but I do consider it going much over what I wanted to..
Tomorrow won't be any easier. I'm going to a play at 7 with my drama class, but I'm also driving 3 of my friends. Today, they said that the plan was to meet at a restaurant where two of them work and have supper before going. Uhh...great. They actually DON'T serve salads... :/. They're famous for their burgers, and I know they use Yves' veggie burgers, which are 110 cals, and the bun would be about 120? and ketchup, lettuce, and tomato may be around 70? These are pure estimates. So my dinner would be around 300 calories, which is what I usually have in a whole day (well, I usually have less than that...)
This restaurant doesn't have any calorie information, so I don't know what other options would have less cals, but with the burgers I can at least estimate based on toppings. I can't stand not knowing how many calories ar ein the things I'm eating, so I'd rather do that. So I guess I'll eat about 1/2 a veggie burger with tomato, lettuce, and ketchup tomorrow, and nothing else. I'm trying to cancel out today's bad day. I weighed myself, and I didn't gain (thank god!) but it may be different by tomorrow.
Ugh, I hate having to go out for supper :( Thursday may end up being the same way since I'm going to midnight HP premier but I work 5-11 :/ Or...I'll just not eat :)
So my plan was to eat 200 calories today, and I was going to have salad and soup for supper, around 120.
Well, mom and I met at the mall (and my sister decided to come, too).
my sister kept complaining about being hungry, and I couldn't remember the last time I ate out with the family, so today I ate for comfort reasons.
At least I was stubborn and insisted we go to subway, where I had a 6 inch veggie sub on 9 grain wheat. Est. 254
Then I had 2 cookies... at 212 each :S
THEN I got home and ate: 3 mini candy bars (140), a bag of cheezies (150), a bag of chips (150), some pretzels (around 100?), and a piece of cheese (45).
oh.my.god.
during the day, I had a yogurt (35), grapes (30) and salad (25)
total for the day....991. :(
I don't consider it a binge, but I do consider it going much over what I wanted to..
Tomorrow won't be any easier. I'm going to a play at 7 with my drama class, but I'm also driving 3 of my friends. Today, they said that the plan was to meet at a restaurant where two of them work and have supper before going. Uhh...great. They actually DON'T serve salads... :/. They're famous for their burgers, and I know they use Yves' veggie burgers, which are 110 cals, and the bun would be about 120? and ketchup, lettuce, and tomato may be around 70? These are pure estimates. So my dinner would be around 300 calories, which is what I usually have in a whole day (well, I usually have less than that...)
This restaurant doesn't have any calorie information, so I don't know what other options would have less cals, but with the burgers I can at least estimate based on toppings. I can't stand not knowing how many calories ar ein the things I'm eating, so I'd rather do that. So I guess I'll eat about 1/2 a veggie burger with tomato, lettuce, and ketchup tomorrow, and nothing else. I'm trying to cancel out today's bad day. I weighed myself, and I didn't gain (thank god!) but it may be different by tomorrow.
Ugh, I hate having to go out for supper :( Thursday may end up being the same way since I'm going to midnight HP premier but I work 5-11 :/ Or...I'll just not eat :)
Monday, November 15, 2010
Today :/
So busy, so many things to talk about
First things first, my new analog scale is confusing me. It's been saying for two days now that I weigh 98 lbs, and the package said it accurate up to 2 lbs, so I got excited because I'm finally back into the double digits.
But now I'm at my dad's and stepped on his digital scale, and it said I'm 101.8 :/
ewww gross. So, I posted on PT to find out which is more accurate, but for now I'm just going to go for the middle and say I'm 100...
anywhoo, between PT and this blog, I noticed something: I forgot to clear the history last time I used my dad's computer...I'm really hoping nobody saw this stuff...
Okay, so today I made a rookie mistake...I forgot to count liquid calories...
So I was doing well, yogurt for breakfast (because I couldn't find a kettle to do the oatmeal and I hate microwave oatmeal): score, less calories anyway.
then I ate acouple of carrots, 1/2 piece of celery, and 15 grapes for lunch
but then I REALLY wanted something from starbucks, so I got a couple of friends and went during my spare...bad idea.
I got a grande caramel brule latte. Not even fat free no whip, just the regular whole milk kind... :/
AND...an oatmeal raisin cookie.
DEFINITELY underestimated the calorie count in both. I spent math class googling it on my phone and the average counts on the internet are at 400 calories in the latte and 350 in the cookie.. :/
So I'm not eating supper tonight, which sucks because I really wanted to try the reduced calorie vegetable soup :( Oh well, there's always tomorrow.. although tomorrow will be a big restriction day because of my blooper today. maybe I'll just skip lunch and have soup...shoot I just remembered mom wants to meet at the mall, and I KNOW she'll want to get supper there...subway, maybe? :/
I have to work in an hour...for an hour. One of my lucky friends/coworker's mom won tickets to an advanced screening of harry potter, but needed someone to take the first hour of his shift until his replacement came in, so I foolishly said I'd do it... :( craaaap I don't want to work. Guidance talked to us about university today, so now I'm in the mood to look up scholarship applications and program information, not WORK FOR ONE FRIGGIN HOUR... oh well, I can just do it when I get home, and then have an excuse not to eat.
So, I've gotta go if I want to get my homework done before work.
Stay beautiful, lovelies ♥
___
home, homework done, thoroughly relaxed, for once in a long time
I got home around 7 and looked at hotels with my mom- we're going to syracuse next thursday and shopping nonstop until saturday :)
I don't really want to spend much because my weight fluctuates way too much for the clothes to last. Plus, I'm not going to want to lose weight if I've spent $300 on new clothes... :/ I have yet to think of a plan, but when I see something I want, I buy it, especially from stores we don't have in Canada...
anywhoo, today was horrible. yogurt, carrots, celery, grapes, cookie from starbucks, latte, two or three tootsie rolls, and a small fry from mcds :( I'm so weak.
Tomorrow will be different. Tomorrow will be stronger.
Brekky: yogurt (35)
Lunch: fruit and veggies (~45?)
Supper: soup and salad (~120)
hopefully, I can avoid supper at the mall with mom tomorrow, but I know she's using it as a filler activity until she has coffee with my brother, so she'll probably want to eat before she meets him...and she doesn't like eating alone :/ Subway veggie subs are around 300 calories...way too much for one meal! I think there is a chinese place in the food court that serves salad, so we'll see.
Well, it's way past my bedtime, but I, being the PT/blogspot addict I am, could not go to bed without having one last post.
Stay beautiful, xx
First things first, my new analog scale is confusing me. It's been saying for two days now that I weigh 98 lbs, and the package said it accurate up to 2 lbs, so I got excited because I'm finally back into the double digits.
But now I'm at my dad's and stepped on his digital scale, and it said I'm 101.8 :/
ewww gross. So, I posted on PT to find out which is more accurate, but for now I'm just going to go for the middle and say I'm 100...
anywhoo, between PT and this blog, I noticed something: I forgot to clear the history last time I used my dad's computer...I'm really hoping nobody saw this stuff...
Okay, so today I made a rookie mistake...I forgot to count liquid calories...
So I was doing well, yogurt for breakfast (because I couldn't find a kettle to do the oatmeal and I hate microwave oatmeal): score, less calories anyway.
then I ate acouple of carrots, 1/2 piece of celery, and 15 grapes for lunch
but then I REALLY wanted something from starbucks, so I got a couple of friends and went during my spare...bad idea.
I got a grande caramel brule latte. Not even fat free no whip, just the regular whole milk kind... :/
AND...an oatmeal raisin cookie.
DEFINITELY underestimated the calorie count in both. I spent math class googling it on my phone and the average counts on the internet are at 400 calories in the latte and 350 in the cookie.. :/
So I'm not eating supper tonight, which sucks because I really wanted to try the reduced calorie vegetable soup :( Oh well, there's always tomorrow.. although tomorrow will be a big restriction day because of my blooper today. maybe I'll just skip lunch and have soup...shoot I just remembered mom wants to meet at the mall, and I KNOW she'll want to get supper there...subway, maybe? :/
I have to work in an hour...for an hour. One of my lucky friends/coworker's mom won tickets to an advanced screening of harry potter, but needed someone to take the first hour of his shift until his replacement came in, so I foolishly said I'd do it... :( craaaap I don't want to work. Guidance talked to us about university today, so now I'm in the mood to look up scholarship applications and program information, not WORK FOR ONE FRIGGIN HOUR... oh well, I can just do it when I get home, and then have an excuse not to eat.
So, I've gotta go if I want to get my homework done before work.
Stay beautiful, lovelies ♥
___
home, homework done, thoroughly relaxed, for once in a long time
I got home around 7 and looked at hotels with my mom- we're going to syracuse next thursday and shopping nonstop until saturday :)
I don't really want to spend much because my weight fluctuates way too much for the clothes to last. Plus, I'm not going to want to lose weight if I've spent $300 on new clothes... :/ I have yet to think of a plan, but when I see something I want, I buy it, especially from stores we don't have in Canada...
anywhoo, today was horrible. yogurt, carrots, celery, grapes, cookie from starbucks, latte, two or three tootsie rolls, and a small fry from mcds :( I'm so weak.
Tomorrow will be different. Tomorrow will be stronger.
Brekky: yogurt (35)
Lunch: fruit and veggies (~45?)
Supper: soup and salad (~120)
hopefully, I can avoid supper at the mall with mom tomorrow, but I know she's using it as a filler activity until she has coffee with my brother, so she'll probably want to eat before she meets him...and she doesn't like eating alone :/ Subway veggie subs are around 300 calories...way too much for one meal! I think there is a chinese place in the food court that serves salad, so we'll see.
Well, it's way past my bedtime, but I, being the PT/blogspot addict I am, could not go to bed without having one last post.
Stay beautiful, xx
Sunday, November 14, 2010
Christmas is officially upon us
I should be worried right now, instead I feel stronger than ever.
Yesterday was our community's annual Santa Claus Parade (which I swear gets earlier every year) and I was stuck working around the corner from it so we got crazy busy....plus, nobody at work even KNEW it was happening until the mega-rush started, and we were down 3 people. So...yesterday sucked, and I had foolishly agreed to take an extra 3 hours.
Today was alright. When I got off at 1 I did some grocery shopping because we have no veggies or fruit. Last time I went, I bought so much junk food and it taunted me from the cupboard. Well, most of the junk is still in the cupboard but I've been extremely good at staying away from it. This time I decided to test myself. My original plan was to only stay in the fruits/veggies section, then walk beside the tills to get to the snack aisles to get cooking spray, brown sugar splenda, and crackers. When I got there, I wanted to see if I could make it through the bakery section without even touching anything. Oh, and they had some really good stuff today- cakes, cupcakes, cookies, croissants, CHRISTMAS treats! I looked, I drooled, but I did not touch. I walked right through and got only items I'm proud to have in my cupboard. I also got some jello cups (5 cals per cup ftw!) and pretzels (really tasty and low in cals), and I'm going to try the new campbells reduced calorie vegetable soup sometime soon (not tonight, because today I'm staying well under 100 cals).
So today, I've had a jello cup.
That is all.
I feel so freaking good right now!:) It's the first time in a long time I didn't get anything on my break...no apple slices, no salad, no junk! And I feel pumped for tomorrow. It should be an easy day, not much going on. My friend may want to go to timmy's in the morning when I pick her up for school, but I'll just say I already ate breakfast and get a tea or my daily milk or something. I'll pack some fruit for lunch (~40 cals worth), and then come home and have the soup and some salad (~120 together). I should probably have breakfast tomorrow...maybe some oatmeal with splenda brown sugar? I think that would be about 118 cals. (oatmeal=110?)
Anywhoo, it's occurred to me I haven't posted about the green tea gum I bought last week. This stuff is pretty good. It has a crisp peppermint taste and you can hardly notice it's green tea gum...until about 5 minutes into chewing. The package says you have to chew 1 piece for 15 minutes to be equal to a cup of green tea, but after about 5 minutes the taste suddenly turns aweful and it seemingly turns to mush and you can't chew it...and literally, this change occurs instantly so you have to run and spit it out. It also gives my tongue a faint green colour for about 20 minutes. But overall, being that I had low expectations for it in the first place, it's pretty good and I'll definitely keep it around.
Haha...oh, procrastination. I'm supposed to be writing yet another script for drama class so my partner and I can work on it together in one hour...so it's supposed to be done by 5:30...yeah...ain't gonna happen.
Yesterday was our community's annual Santa Claus Parade (which I swear gets earlier every year) and I was stuck working around the corner from it so we got crazy busy....plus, nobody at work even KNEW it was happening until the mega-rush started, and we were down 3 people. So...yesterday sucked, and I had foolishly agreed to take an extra 3 hours.
Today was alright. When I got off at 1 I did some grocery shopping because we have no veggies or fruit. Last time I went, I bought so much junk food and it taunted me from the cupboard. Well, most of the junk is still in the cupboard but I've been extremely good at staying away from it. This time I decided to test myself. My original plan was to only stay in the fruits/veggies section, then walk beside the tills to get to the snack aisles to get cooking spray, brown sugar splenda, and crackers. When I got there, I wanted to see if I could make it through the bakery section without even touching anything. Oh, and they had some really good stuff today- cakes, cupcakes, cookies, croissants, CHRISTMAS treats! I looked, I drooled, but I did not touch. I walked right through and got only items I'm proud to have in my cupboard. I also got some jello cups (5 cals per cup ftw!) and pretzels (really tasty and low in cals), and I'm going to try the new campbells reduced calorie vegetable soup sometime soon (not tonight, because today I'm staying well under 100 cals).
So today, I've had a jello cup.
That is all.
I feel so freaking good right now!:) It's the first time in a long time I didn't get anything on my break...no apple slices, no salad, no junk! And I feel pumped for tomorrow. It should be an easy day, not much going on. My friend may want to go to timmy's in the morning when I pick her up for school, but I'll just say I already ate breakfast and get a tea or my daily milk or something. I'll pack some fruit for lunch (~40 cals worth), and then come home and have the soup and some salad (~120 together). I should probably have breakfast tomorrow...maybe some oatmeal with splenda brown sugar? I think that would be about 118 cals. (oatmeal=110?)
Anywhoo, it's occurred to me I haven't posted about the green tea gum I bought last week. This stuff is pretty good. It has a crisp peppermint taste and you can hardly notice it's green tea gum...until about 5 minutes into chewing. The package says you have to chew 1 piece for 15 minutes to be equal to a cup of green tea, but after about 5 minutes the taste suddenly turns aweful and it seemingly turns to mush and you can't chew it...and literally, this change occurs instantly so you have to run and spit it out. It also gives my tongue a faint green colour for about 20 minutes. But overall, being that I had low expectations for it in the first place, it's pretty good and I'll definitely keep it around.
Haha...oh, procrastination. I'm supposed to be writing yet another script for drama class so my partner and I can work on it together in one hour...so it's supposed to be done by 5:30...yeah...ain't gonna happen.
Saturday, November 13, 2010
Meh
All I can say about today is that it was...mediocre. I didn't binge, but I also ate more calories than I wanted... :(
So I'm making many changes to my blog. I'm experimenting with templates, colours, sizes, etc, so for a while it will be unrecognizable. I'm thinking of switching to a winter theme until January/February, but for now I'll go with this bird theme. It seems fitting to the topic- birds are free, light, innocent, fragile, and peaceful. Everything I want to be; strive to be.
Plan for tomorrow:
apple slices (40)
That's it. Can you manage that, fatass?
I'm feeling particularly...blah today. Time to rant:
Despite the fact that the last part of my week went really well, I feel extremely frustrated with myself. I've got an annoying feeling in my stomach that I can't really explain. It feels kind of like a mix between being a kid staying up late to catch Santa, and sitting in class waiting for the teacher to call your name to present a project you really aren't prepared for. In a way, it feels exciting, but in another it's stressing me out and making my extremely uncomfortable. I wish I could explain it better, but I don't even know the real reason it's there. I can only guess that it's because I haven't lost any weight despite the fact that I've been really good these last few weeks. :(
I want it by Christmas.
I hate the way I'm living right now. I hate that I feel like I have no purpose, no reason to live. I hate waking up every day to dreariness and finding no passion for life the way I used to. I used to go through the day loving every moment- the people, the sights, finding beauty in everything. I'm still able to find the beauty in nature, yet it all seems irrelevant. It's sort of another thing I have problems describing- life just seems...meaningless, empty, dark...
I hate my life. And there's really no reason to. My grades are well above average, my friends are closer than they've ever been, my social life is active, I'm involved in things at school, my home life is finally starting to work out (as long as I don't talk to my siblings...). I'm supposed to be at a good place right now, but I'm just not... I just hate living. I've lost that spark.
And I want it all to just go away. I feel like I don't deserve any of it. I'm not good enough for this world. It's so tiring keeping up the cheerful charade - nobody even has a clue. What is the point?
The only thing I can do to fix any of it is by taking away food. I feel everything is out of control right now and all I can do to take hold of any of it is by depriving myself of things I always take for granted.
I want to die. I imagine it all the time- different ways I can do it. I'll be walking across the highway overpass and stop and look down at the heavy traffic. I could jump. I'll be in the shower and look at my razor, or even just in class holding a protractor. I could cut. Sometimes, when I'm driving, I fantasize getting into a car accident. It takes all my will not to just drive away, far away, find a cliff and drive off it.
So why am I still here?
Because someone once promised it would get better.
Because I can't do that to my mother...or my pets (weak.)
Because...I...am a coward.
Anorexia is beautiful. It is a slow, painful death. And it is beautiful.
So I'm making many changes to my blog. I'm experimenting with templates, colours, sizes, etc, so for a while it will be unrecognizable. I'm thinking of switching to a winter theme until January/February, but for now I'll go with this bird theme. It seems fitting to the topic- birds are free, light, innocent, fragile, and peaceful. Everything I want to be; strive to be.
Plan for tomorrow:
apple slices (40)
That's it. Can you manage that, fatass?
I'm feeling particularly...blah today. Time to rant:
Despite the fact that the last part of my week went really well, I feel extremely frustrated with myself. I've got an annoying feeling in my stomach that I can't really explain. It feels kind of like a mix between being a kid staying up late to catch Santa, and sitting in class waiting for the teacher to call your name to present a project you really aren't prepared for. In a way, it feels exciting, but in another it's stressing me out and making my extremely uncomfortable. I wish I could explain it better, but I don't even know the real reason it's there. I can only guess that it's because I haven't lost any weight despite the fact that I've been really good these last few weeks. :(
I want it by Christmas.
I hate the way I'm living right now. I hate that I feel like I have no purpose, no reason to live. I hate waking up every day to dreariness and finding no passion for life the way I used to. I used to go through the day loving every moment- the people, the sights, finding beauty in everything. I'm still able to find the beauty in nature, yet it all seems irrelevant. It's sort of another thing I have problems describing- life just seems...meaningless, empty, dark...
I hate my life. And there's really no reason to. My grades are well above average, my friends are closer than they've ever been, my social life is active, I'm involved in things at school, my home life is finally starting to work out (as long as I don't talk to my siblings...). I'm supposed to be at a good place right now, but I'm just not... I just hate living. I've lost that spark.
And I want it all to just go away. I feel like I don't deserve any of it. I'm not good enough for this world. It's so tiring keeping up the cheerful charade - nobody even has a clue. What is the point?
The only thing I can do to fix any of it is by taking away food. I feel everything is out of control right now and all I can do to take hold of any of it is by depriving myself of things I always take for granted.
I want to die. I imagine it all the time- different ways I can do it. I'll be walking across the highway overpass and stop and look down at the heavy traffic. I could jump. I'll be in the shower and look at my razor, or even just in class holding a protractor. I could cut. Sometimes, when I'm driving, I fantasize getting into a car accident. It takes all my will not to just drive away, far away, find a cliff and drive off it.
So why am I still here?
Because someone once promised it would get better.
Because I can't do that to my mother...or my pets (weak.)
Because...I...am a coward.
Anorexia is beautiful. It is a slow, painful death. And it is beautiful.
Friday, November 12, 2010
So far so good :)
So today is a lot better. Ever since I learned why I'm actually craving (i.e. I want the food, not the actual taste of it), I've been able to gain control over my cravings. I haven't really had any strong ones today; any that I did have lasted about 5-10 minutes then subsided.
So far, I've had a yogurt (35) and a fruit salad (~35), and right now I'm sipping on my daily glass of milk. Total: 65.
I have to work 4-9 today..yuck! Let me tell you, working at mcdonald's is surprisingly motivating. I see all the disgusting raw products and see how they're made and how greasy it all is, and I see all the disgusting customers that come in- and we have many 'regulars' that come in on a daily basis and will stay anywhere between 1 and 4 hours!
I have so much to do though. I work until 9, won't get home until 10, have to work on a pairs project for tomorrow because we're meeting up when I'm done work at 1. I also have to write and hand in a Cappies review for Sunday, but because I'm working sunday morning and it has to be in by 10 am, I need to have it done by tomorrow night. Then, I have to edit my short story for writer's craft, do my math homework and study, and clean my bunny's cage, AND go grocery shopping because we have no damn veggies!....I'd also really appreciate a nap sometime in there.
Oh. fack. I just thought about my day tomorrow... I hate going to friends' houses for the whole day because then I'm faced with lots and lots of food. What. the. hell. And this one in particular really likes her sweets, and it's a wonder she's so skinny :/ I'm going to have to think about this while I'm at work.
So anyway, I've also planned to have some apple slices at work (40), bringing my total for the day to 105. never mind, I remember I ate a gummy bear (8.7 calories)
Therefore, new total is 113.7 :/
So far, I've had a yogurt (35) and a fruit salad (~35), and right now I'm sipping on my daily glass of milk. Total: 65.
I have to work 4-9 today..yuck! Let me tell you, working at mcdonald's is surprisingly motivating. I see all the disgusting raw products and see how they're made and how greasy it all is, and I see all the disgusting customers that come in- and we have many 'regulars' that come in on a daily basis and will stay anywhere between 1 and 4 hours!
I have so much to do though. I work until 9, won't get home until 10, have to work on a pairs project for tomorrow because we're meeting up when I'm done work at 1. I also have to write and hand in a Cappies review for Sunday, but because I'm working sunday morning and it has to be in by 10 am, I need to have it done by tomorrow night. Then, I have to edit my short story for writer's craft, do my math homework and study, and clean my bunny's cage, AND go grocery shopping because we have no damn veggies!....I'd also really appreciate a nap sometime in there.
Oh. fack. I just thought about my day tomorrow... I hate going to friends' houses for the whole day because then I'm faced with lots and lots of food. What. the. hell. And this one in particular really likes her sweets, and it's a wonder she's so skinny :/ I'm going to have to think about this while I'm at work.
So anyway, I've also planned to have some apple slices at work (40), bringing my total for the day to 105. never mind, I remember I ate a gummy bear (8.7 calories)
Therefore, new total is 113.7 :/
Thursday, November 11, 2010
oh holy fudge.
I'm tired of periods.
Why can't it just leave me alone?
Is it bad that I was happy I had lost it for a while? Is it bad that I miss not having it?
Ugh, it's so heavy now. And irregular. I have a period calendar in my phone, basically, my last five periods started on: July 12 (my bday...:( ), august-missed, september 21, october 21, november 9...wtf.
And I feel like I make more excuses to eat because of the hormones or something. I realized when I was drooling over the thought of a triple chocolate muffin from timmy's, I didn't really care for the taste. To be honest, I don't really taste much of anything anymore, especially sweets. I just wanted it in my mouth...that's what she said.
And then I went on to realize, that when I binge on fatty foods, I actually don't like the tastes, so I'm not sure if I can technically say they're cravings, rather than my body just wanting tons of fats...if that makes any sense at all.
I'm really confused.
And my stupid friend brought me to mcds today. Or rather, I brought her so she could book off days (she works there), and then got food. She is...not small, but extremely health conscious, and whenever she eats around people she always feels compelled to talk about how fat she is and never finishes her food saying things like "okay, fatty, time to put the fork down". So obviously, she made me eat her food with her so she wouldn't eat it all...
So I ate over 1/2 her fries because the bitch didn't want them...
and probably 1/8 of her salad...
and 1/2 her fucking mcflurry with extra fucking toppings.
God, I'm such a fatass.
I'm done with this shit. No more excuses. Tomorrow, it's 100 calories.
Oh yeah, and I'm extremely tired from staying up late every night to go on PT and this blog... and I REALLY don't want to work tomorrow night :(
okay, I'll try to make a game plan, but we have no salad or carrots or anything healthy except yogurt and grapes... :/
and I don't know how good the grapes are...
Soo, if they're still good, I'll have 15 grapes (30)
apple slices at work (40)
and...something else I'm sure... probably nibbles of people's food at school.
Aaand, I had callbacks today, and I'm extremely frustrated with how I did it.
I was guaranteed consideration for two characters: Jean and Muriel. We're doing Plaza Suite, and there are three acts of three different scenarios with different groups of people. Muriel is one of the two leads in the second act, whereas Jean is more supporting in the first act. Either one I liked.
But I only read for Jean, even though I was 10x better at Muriel, and I know I kicked ass reading for her last week. I don't know why she didn't let me read for her.
I messed up the Jean part though. I went in and stumbled on the first line and put the wrong intonation on something, and I just had problems recovering after that. :(
So I know I won't be getting a part, which sucks because this is the last year of high school and I was really looking forward to this. My school is also in our city's Cappies program, so I would be eligible for awards and stuff too. I might help backstage, but it's never as fun as acting :(
and I know EXACTLY how I messed up and EXACTLY how I could have done it better. It frustrates me so much that this role was so close, and I effed up. And my closest friends are definitely going to get parts, so I'll have to deal with that...And one of them is verrry cocky because he's been in all the plays so far and received awards, etc.
God, I hate myself so fucking much.
On another note: I'll be writing love on my arms tomorrow for To Write Love On Her Arms day :)
Why can't it just leave me alone?
Is it bad that I was happy I had lost it for a while? Is it bad that I miss not having it?
Ugh, it's so heavy now. And irregular. I have a period calendar in my phone, basically, my last five periods started on: July 12 (my bday...:( ), august-missed, september 21, october 21, november 9...wtf.
And I feel like I make more excuses to eat because of the hormones or something. I realized when I was drooling over the thought of a triple chocolate muffin from timmy's, I didn't really care for the taste. To be honest, I don't really taste much of anything anymore, especially sweets. I just wanted it in my mouth...that's what she said.
And then I went on to realize, that when I binge on fatty foods, I actually don't like the tastes, so I'm not sure if I can technically say they're cravings, rather than my body just wanting tons of fats...if that makes any sense at all.
I'm really confused.
And my stupid friend brought me to mcds today. Or rather, I brought her so she could book off days (she works there), and then got food. She is...not small, but extremely health conscious, and whenever she eats around people she always feels compelled to talk about how fat she is and never finishes her food saying things like "okay, fatty, time to put the fork down". So obviously, she made me eat her food with her so she wouldn't eat it all...
So I ate over 1/2 her fries because the bitch didn't want them...
and probably 1/8 of her salad...
and 1/2 her fucking mcflurry with extra fucking toppings.
God, I'm such a fatass.
I'm done with this shit. No more excuses. Tomorrow, it's 100 calories.
Oh yeah, and I'm extremely tired from staying up late every night to go on PT and this blog... and I REALLY don't want to work tomorrow night :(
okay, I'll try to make a game plan, but we have no salad or carrots or anything healthy except yogurt and grapes... :/
and I don't know how good the grapes are...
Soo, if they're still good, I'll have 15 grapes (30)
apple slices at work (40)
and...something else I'm sure... probably nibbles of people's food at school.
Aaand, I had callbacks today, and I'm extremely frustrated with how I did it.
I was guaranteed consideration for two characters: Jean and Muriel. We're doing Plaza Suite, and there are three acts of three different scenarios with different groups of people. Muriel is one of the two leads in the second act, whereas Jean is more supporting in the first act. Either one I liked.
But I only read for Jean, even though I was 10x better at Muriel, and I know I kicked ass reading for her last week. I don't know why she didn't let me read for her.
I messed up the Jean part though. I went in and stumbled on the first line and put the wrong intonation on something, and I just had problems recovering after that. :(
So I know I won't be getting a part, which sucks because this is the last year of high school and I was really looking forward to this. My school is also in our city's Cappies program, so I would be eligible for awards and stuff too. I might help backstage, but it's never as fun as acting :(
and I know EXACTLY how I messed up and EXACTLY how I could have done it better. It frustrates me so much that this role was so close, and I effed up. And my closest friends are definitely going to get parts, so I'll have to deal with that...And one of them is verrry cocky because he's been in all the plays so far and received awards, etc.
God, I hate myself so fucking much.
On another note: I'll be writing love on my arms tomorrow for To Write Love On Her Arms day :)
Tuesday, November 9, 2010
headache
Head really hurts and i have to babysit two toddlers in a hotel tonight. I know im making excuses, but i just really have to eat something before my head explodes :/
Edit: okay, my head exploded.,just kidding. But something worse did happen.
I ate. Like a fucking pig.
2 or 3 mini candy bars, 15 grapes, yogurt, bag of chips, and grilled cheese with ketchup.
Note to self: kids make you stuff your face.
I also randomly got my period today. And its really heavy. And my chocolate cravings are so strong. Does the universe just want me to fail at everything?
Edit: okay, my head exploded.,just kidding. But something worse did happen.
I ate. Like a fucking pig.
2 or 3 mini candy bars, 15 grapes, yogurt, bag of chips, and grilled cheese with ketchup.
Note to self: kids make you stuff your face.
I also randomly got my period today. And its really heavy. And my chocolate cravings are so strong. Does the universe just want me to fail at everything?
Monday, November 8, 2010
Mmm the taste of success sure is sweet
Okay, so I added yogurt and liquid egg product to the safe foods list (since they are 35 and 30 calories per serving respectively).
Breakfast:
- yogurt (35)
Supper:
- 1/4 cup liquid egg (30)
snack:
- 1/2 apple (45)
Total: 110
I had to write an article for writer's craft today on the new principal. He hasn't been in the school all last week, so I had to interview him and get it in by the end of the day. I worked through lunch (yusss!) and even skipped math to do it (oopsies), but the crappy thing got done. Definitely not one of my finest works, and it really sucks that these are being published in the local paper...damnit. At least I feel happy that I finally stuck to the plan for once.
I also stopped at the drug store and bought a few things, like multivitamins and I found 'green tea gum' that I thought I'd give a try. Apparently chewing one piece for 15 minutes is like drinking one cup of green tea. I hope they taste good. The pack is like 5 bucks, and it says to chew two pieces three times a day, but then the pack would only last 2 days, so I'll keep drinking the green tea as well. I also bought some more splenda and a seventeen magazine to keep me youthful ;)
Breakfast:
- yogurt (35)
Supper:
- 1/4 cup liquid egg (30)
snack:
- 1/2 apple (45)
Total: 110
I had to write an article for writer's craft today on the new principal. He hasn't been in the school all last week, so I had to interview him and get it in by the end of the day. I worked through lunch (yusss!) and even skipped math to do it (oopsies), but the crappy thing got done. Definitely not one of my finest works, and it really sucks that these are being published in the local paper...damnit. At least I feel happy that I finally stuck to the plan for once.
I also stopped at the drug store and bought a few things, like multivitamins and I found 'green tea gum' that I thought I'd give a try. Apparently chewing one piece for 15 minutes is like drinking one cup of green tea. I hope they taste good. The pack is like 5 bucks, and it says to chew two pieces three times a day, but then the pack would only last 2 days, so I'll keep drinking the green tea as well. I also bought some more splenda and a seventeen magazine to keep me youthful ;)
Sunday, November 7, 2010
Last meal
ughhh second binge of the weekend.
God, I baked a cake and iced it when it was hot and ate a slice. I also had 1 veggie chicken breast, 2 toaster strudels, the equivalent of 2 small bags of chips, 1 croissant, 3 cookies, a full sized chocolate bar, an apple, ummm not really sure what else :/
So, I'm starting the fast tomorrow. Reminder: 100 calorie daily limit for the next MONTH. Eat as little as you possibly can for as long as you can before starting the 100 calorie rule. (With the exception of "important days" for which I'll need extra energy, which includes callbacks and the harry potter midnight release, which I'm going to in 3D :). These days, I'll add 100 calories MAX. These days DO NOT include work days.)
So, those 100 calories will come from safe foods only.
TRY TRY TRY to drink as much water a possible. Cut down on the diet soda, and also try to drink 1-3 cups of green tea a day, maybe try to develop a taste for coffee- flavoured with splenda french vanilla (0 calorie flavouring).
Let's please try to stick to it fatass. Oh yeah, and work on that purging thing.
AND DON'T. GET. CAUGHT.
We can't let what happened to Jessie happen to me. [Jessie is my cousin...some of her friends found out she's bulimic and cutting and told their moms, who told her mom and now everyone knows.] If I get caught, it's game over and back to the fat days. I can't let that happen.
God, I baked a cake and iced it when it was hot and ate a slice. I also had 1 veggie chicken breast, 2 toaster strudels, the equivalent of 2 small bags of chips, 1 croissant, 3 cookies, a full sized chocolate bar, an apple, ummm not really sure what else :/
So, I'm starting the fast tomorrow. Reminder: 100 calorie daily limit for the next MONTH. Eat as little as you possibly can for as long as you can before starting the 100 calorie rule. (With the exception of "important days" for which I'll need extra energy, which includes callbacks and the harry potter midnight release, which I'm going to in 3D :). These days, I'll add 100 calories MAX. These days DO NOT include work days.)
So, those 100 calories will come from safe foods only.
TRY TRY TRY to drink as much water a possible. Cut down on the diet soda, and also try to drink 1-3 cups of green tea a day, maybe try to develop a taste for coffee- flavoured with splenda french vanilla (0 calorie flavouring).
Let's please try to stick to it fatass. Oh yeah, and work on that purging thing.
AND DON'T. GET. CAUGHT.
We can't let what happened to Jessie happen to me. [Jessie is my cousin...some of her friends found out she's bulimic and cutting and told their moms, who told her mom and now everyone knows.] If I get caught, it's game over and back to the fat days. I can't let that happen.
Saturday, November 6, 2010
Shit.
Have you ever weighed yourself before and after a binge?
2 pounds today.
2 fucking pounds.
I was so close to that stupid 1 pound goal. I wanted to be 99, I was 100. Then, I ate past the point of being bloated like a fucking blimp. I'm not at least 102. I tried purging, but again NOTHING CAME OUT. fuck.
Let this be a lesson (or two) learned:
1. Stick to the fucking plan
2. If you start, you won't be able to stop. So don't start.
3. Don't count on being able to purge, because that won't happen either.
4. Don't forget to bring your 'lunch' to work, or else you'll be even hungrier at home and eat and eat and eat.
No food tomorrow, fatass.
_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _
Finally home from work. I worked 8-2, then got called in 5-8. I ate AGAIN when I got home. two binge in one day, not able to purge once. fuck.
So, I decided to go on a long fast.
RULES:
1. No food
2. Water and fruit juices only
3. I'll allow up to 100 calories of fruit and/or veggies a day
4. The fast must last at least 2 days, but I'll go as long as I can
5. Thursday is callback day, so I'll allow an extra 100 calories to give me energy, but that is the ONLY exception
I just thought of a great incentive!
I'm going to New York in three weeks. Every pound I lose between now and then is $10 extra I'll allow myself to bring (counted at the end). However, if one day I go up a pound, I'll take $5 off the total (since this will be counted daily, I'll make it worth less since it may be more overall). I'll start at $200, and see where it gets.
Ugh, my stomach looks so disgusting now. It's no longer flat; it's convex and flabby looking. I can't even see my hip bones anymore. Fucking fatty.
2 pounds today.
2 fucking pounds.
I was so close to that stupid 1 pound goal. I wanted to be 99, I was 100. Then, I ate past the point of being bloated like a fucking blimp. I'm not at least 102. I tried purging, but again NOTHING CAME OUT. fuck.
Let this be a lesson (or two) learned:
1. Stick to the fucking plan
2. If you start, you won't be able to stop. So don't start.
3. Don't count on being able to purge, because that won't happen either.
4. Don't forget to bring your 'lunch' to work, or else you'll be even hungrier at home and eat and eat and eat.
No food tomorrow, fatass.
_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _
Finally home from work. I worked 8-2, then got called in 5-8. I ate AGAIN when I got home. two binge in one day, not able to purge once. fuck.
So, I decided to go on a long fast.
RULES:
1. No food
2. Water and fruit juices only
3. I'll allow up to 100 calories of fruit and/or veggies a day
4. The fast must last at least 2 days, but I'll go as long as I can
5. Thursday is callback day, so I'll allow an extra 100 calories to give me energy, but that is the ONLY exception
I just thought of a great incentive!
I'm going to New York in three weeks. Every pound I lose between now and then is $10 extra I'll allow myself to bring (counted at the end). However, if one day I go up a pound, I'll take $5 off the total (since this will be counted daily, I'll make it worth less since it may be more overall). I'll start at $200, and see where it gets.
Ugh, my stomach looks so disgusting now. It's no longer flat; it's convex and flabby looking. I can't even see my hip bones anymore. Fucking fatty.
Friday, November 5, 2010
Okay so far:
Yogurt (35)
Subway veggie sub (~300)
1 cherry blaster (15)
Total (350)
No more, please. I really have to stop going out at lunch, and stick to the plan.
On a happy note, my drama teacher told me my audition was amazing and i got a callback! :)
I cant screw this up next thursday. If i make it, ill fast for a day. If not, two days. :)
_ _ _ _ _
Home, finally.
So I got home, and being the dummy I am, I asked my mom to go on my scale to see if it's working, so she tells me to go on after, and I tried to make excuses but she goes "I want to see how anorexic you are"...obviously as a joke because she still doesn't know about me.
so then I go on and she sees the number and tells me I'm too skinny and have to gain some weight. So I was like "it's not my fault the number is low". So to prove it to her I went into the kitchen and poured a bowl of chips and ate them in front of her.
20 chips @ ~10 calories per chip = 200 calories I didn't want.
Now I have the taste in my mouth and I want more. I also want chocolate and cookies and croissants and crackers and cheese and toaster strudels.
fcuk. If this starts a binge I'll be pissed.
Also, why aren't I loosing weight!? It's frustrating me to no end. I've weighed the same for the past week, even though I've been eating tons less than usual. It sucks, I want to lose just one more pound and I'll be happy. That's why I'm scared about bingeing because I'm so close. :(
A few changes for tomorrow:
breakfast:
- yogurt (35)
Lunch:
- 15 grapes (30)
- apple slices (40)
Supper:
- 2 fried veggie bologna slices (40)
- 1 spray butter flavour (10)
- 1 slice bread (70)
- 1/4 cup egg substitute (30)
TOTAL: 255
And that's a pretty big supper so hopefully I can stick to this meal.
Yogurt (35)
Subway veggie sub (~300)
1 cherry blaster (15)
Total (350)
No more, please. I really have to stop going out at lunch, and stick to the plan.
On a happy note, my drama teacher told me my audition was amazing and i got a callback! :)
I cant screw this up next thursday. If i make it, ill fast for a day. If not, two days. :)
_ _ _ _ _
Home, finally.
So I got home, and being the dummy I am, I asked my mom to go on my scale to see if it's working, so she tells me to go on after, and I tried to make excuses but she goes "I want to see how anorexic you are"...obviously as a joke because she still doesn't know about me.
so then I go on and she sees the number and tells me I'm too skinny and have to gain some weight. So I was like "it's not my fault the number is low". So to prove it to her I went into the kitchen and poured a bowl of chips and ate them in front of her.
20 chips @ ~10 calories per chip = 200 calories I didn't want.
Now I have the taste in my mouth and I want more. I also want chocolate and cookies and croissants and crackers and cheese and toaster strudels.
fcuk. If this starts a binge I'll be pissed.
Also, why aren't I loosing weight!? It's frustrating me to no end. I've weighed the same for the past week, even though I've been eating tons less than usual. It sucks, I want to lose just one more pound and I'll be happy. That's why I'm scared about bingeing because I'm so close. :(
A few changes for tomorrow:
breakfast:
- yogurt (35)
Lunch:
- 15 grapes (30)
- apple slices (40)
Supper:
- 2 fried veggie bologna slices (40)
- 1 spray butter flavour (10)
- 1 slice bread (70)
- 1/4 cup egg substitute (30)
TOTAL: 255
And that's a pretty big supper so hopefully I can stick to this meal.
Thursday, November 4, 2010
Not bad not bad
Today I woke up and had an 80 calories cheese pack for breakfast.
I packed my lunch, but didn't eat it because my friend brought me to pizza pizza. I didn't want to make her feel bad for going just for her, so I got a slice of cheese and ate one and a half (because they split one slice into two pieces, I ate one whole one and half of one). I don't know if the online calorie counters count that as one or two slices, so I'm going to say one and estimate the intake at around 330, so my total so far is 410.
It still feels really high, and my head and stomach hurts, so I may venture to the fridge and eat a little something. maybe a croissant (70), or a 100 calorie snack pack or something. It's at least low enough for me to be proud of. Anything over 600 makes me panic. And, the amazing thing is, I don't even feel like eating. I'm only going to do it to see if I can get rid of this headache I've had for two weeks. I hate that this is what it's come to, but whatever.
I also tried again, and failed again, to purge after eating the pizza. I don't know what's up with me :/
On the bright side, I measured my height, and realized I am actually 5'3.5", which puts my bmi at 17.4 with a weight of 100 lbs. I think a bmi of 16.4 would be nice. Almost there :)
I don't know why they say this is underweight. I definitely don't look underweight. (nor do I look anorexic, which is what they say 17.5 is) And that is not just my "distorted body image" talking.
Also, I had auditions today after school, and I think I owned them :) Yay! Callbacks get posted on monday..*fingers crossed*!
I really don't want to work tomorrow. :(
Anywhoo, game plan for tomorrow:
Breakfast:
- yogurt (35)
Lunch:
- salad (20)
- fruit (50)
Pre-work snack:
- cheese (80)
Supper (after work):
- croissant (70)
- 100 calorie granola bar
Total: 355
I'm going to make a plan for saturday in case I don't get to it tomorrow:
Breakfast:
- cheese (80)
Lunch:
- apple slices (40)
- fruit and yogurt parfait (130)
Supper:
- 2 fried vegetarian bologna slices (50)
- 1 piece of bread (70)
Total: 370
I packed my lunch, but didn't eat it because my friend brought me to pizza pizza. I didn't want to make her feel bad for going just for her, so I got a slice of cheese and ate one and a half (because they split one slice into two pieces, I ate one whole one and half of one). I don't know if the online calorie counters count that as one or two slices, so I'm going to say one and estimate the intake at around 330, so my total so far is 410.
It still feels really high, and my head and stomach hurts, so I may venture to the fridge and eat a little something. maybe a croissant (70), or a 100 calorie snack pack or something. It's at least low enough for me to be proud of. Anything over 600 makes me panic. And, the amazing thing is, I don't even feel like eating. I'm only going to do it to see if I can get rid of this headache I've had for two weeks. I hate that this is what it's come to, but whatever.
I also tried again, and failed again, to purge after eating the pizza. I don't know what's up with me :/
On the bright side, I measured my height, and realized I am actually 5'3.5", which puts my bmi at 17.4 with a weight of 100 lbs. I think a bmi of 16.4 would be nice. Almost there :)
I don't know why they say this is underweight. I definitely don't look underweight. (nor do I look anorexic, which is what they say 17.5 is) And that is not just my "distorted body image" talking.
Also, I had auditions today after school, and I think I owned them :) Yay! Callbacks get posted on monday..*fingers crossed*!
I really don't want to work tomorrow. :(
Anywhoo, game plan for tomorrow:
Breakfast:
- yogurt (35)
Lunch:
- salad (20)
- fruit (50)
Pre-work snack:
- cheese (80)
Supper (after work):
- croissant (70)
- 100 calorie granola bar
Total: 355
I'm going to make a plan for saturday in case I don't get to it tomorrow:
Breakfast:
- cheese (80)
Lunch:
- apple slices (40)
- fruit and yogurt parfait (130)
Supper:
- 2 fried vegetarian bologna slices (50)
- 1 piece of bread (70)
Total: 370
Wednesday, November 3, 2010
fffff
Today was bad. I had all that planned stuff, plus three bites of a friends pizza, a mini chocolate bar, 2 packs of rockets, a banana, 2 toaster streudals w icing, whole wheat dinner roll w butter, a few chunks of chocolate cake w icing, and a mcds small fry. Im at work now, so i cant count the calories. I tried and failed again at purging, sans sucess. Ill write more when i get home.
ADD:
Okay, finally home :) so tired, luckily no homework (yay!)
AND I found out I get a $450 paycheck tomorrow! Good timing, too, cuz my account is almost under $1000, which was freaking me out. I'm trying to build it back up to $3000, but it's going to be hard with the car and stuff. At least food should be good for a while >:)
Okay, so what I forgot to add was that for breakfast, I substituted the egg and cheese on my english muffin for peanut butter and vanilla blueberry jam, so that takes out a few calories, but not many. Today was horrible, and again I was left with an aching stomach. I've got to stop being so bad.
I'm not even going to depress myself with counting calories. Tomorrow is a new day, and I'm feeling the courage to make it count. (no pun intended.)
Okay, so the game plan for tomorrow:
breakfast:
- whole wheat english muffin (120)
- egg substitute [1/4 cup] (30)
- fat-free cheese slice (35)
Total breakfast: 185
Lunch:
(My friend just got her license so she wants to take us out. FML. I'll just pack a lunch anyway and tell her I forgot and don't want to waste the food. Unless we go to subway, cuz that's cool, too)
- salad (20)
- fruit (50)
- yogurt (35)
Total lunch: 105
Supper: (hopefully nothing, but I may just be forced to have something)
[IF NEEDED]
- 2 slices vegetarian bologna (40)
possible snack:
- 80 cal cheese pack
TOTAL FOR DAY: 330-410
eeffff It's so high :( I'd remove breakfast, but I've found I do better throughout the day when I have it. If only I could make the calorie count lower. Once the english muffins are gone, I can asssssuure you, it will be >:)
I also decided to not count liquid calories coming from milk and apple or orange juice. If I'm going to ruin my body, I may as well do it in the most healthy way possible. Although, that does not mean that I can consume all the calories I want. I'm thinking of making the liquid limit between 100 and 150 calories (especially to allow myself the milk, which I really need these days).
On a side note: We did a math test today and I did really well (well, I think I did). Totally boosted my confidence back up :)
ADD:
Okay, finally home :) so tired, luckily no homework (yay!)
AND I found out I get a $450 paycheck tomorrow! Good timing, too, cuz my account is almost under $1000, which was freaking me out. I'm trying to build it back up to $3000, but it's going to be hard with the car and stuff. At least food should be good for a while >:)
Okay, so what I forgot to add was that for breakfast, I substituted the egg and cheese on my english muffin for peanut butter and vanilla blueberry jam, so that takes out a few calories, but not many. Today was horrible, and again I was left with an aching stomach. I've got to stop being so bad.
I'm not even going to depress myself with counting calories. Tomorrow is a new day, and I'm feeling the courage to make it count. (no pun intended.)
Okay, so the game plan for tomorrow:
breakfast:
- whole wheat english muffin (120)
- egg substitute [1/4 cup] (30)
- fat-free cheese slice (35)
Total breakfast: 185
Lunch:
(My friend just got her license so she wants to take us out. FML. I'll just pack a lunch anyway and tell her I forgot and don't want to waste the food. Unless we go to subway, cuz that's cool, too)
- salad (20)
- fruit (50)
- yogurt (35)
Total lunch: 105
Supper: (hopefully nothing, but I may just be forced to have something)
[IF NEEDED]
- 2 slices vegetarian bologna (40)
possible snack:
- 80 cal cheese pack
TOTAL FOR DAY: 330-410
eeffff It's so high :( I'd remove breakfast, but I've found I do better throughout the day when I have it. If only I could make the calorie count lower. Once the english muffins are gone, I can asssssuure you, it will be >:)
I also decided to not count liquid calories coming from milk and apple or orange juice. If I'm going to ruin my body, I may as well do it in the most healthy way possible. Although, that does not mean that I can consume all the calories I want. I'm thinking of making the liquid limit between 100 and 150 calories (especially to allow myself the milk, which I really need these days).
On a side note: We did a math test today and I did really well (well, I think I did). Totally boosted my confidence back up :)
Tuesday, November 2, 2010
There is a dragon in my stomach...
...and he is trying to claw his way out.
Seriously, it really hurts. I really shouldn't have pigged out so much. After the last post, I downed a bowl of chips before making supper- brown sugar glazed carrots and vegetarian tomato and basil chicken with salad and cookies for desert and 100calorie chocolate milk. Good one, Jodi.
all my favourites. all in my stomach, sitting not so peacefully.
I went to the bathroom right after supper, but oddly, I couldn't purge without making really loud noises and my mom was in the next room. So, I decided to have a second shower of the day so the shower would drown it out. [I also turned on the washing machine in the room next to her to drown me out.] However, I had my fingers down my throat for like, 5 minutes, but all that happened was excess saliva drooping from my mouth and a whole lot of coughing and tears. My stomach was also hurting before the fingers went down my mouth, and it hasn't stopped in the past hour and a half. That's what you get for starving yourself for 4 days and bingeing on well over 1000 calories in less than an hour.
So, sitting in the shower, crying and wishing so bad I had the courage to cut to try to release some of the pain, I realized that I'm not ready to move on. I mean, I said that from now on I'll be healthy, but I ate a pretty healthy supper and cried that it was in my stomach. Thinking back at today's calories, it CAN'T be over 1200, which IS healthy, and yet I hated myself more than ever and am in a lot of physical pain. I'm not sure if ABC is over for me yet, but even if it is, I'm definitely not letting myself have more than 300 calories. I do NOT want a repeat of today, because I've realized that 300 calorie days are easy for me(hence yesterday), whereas anything over that makes it impossible not to binge. Tomorrow is 100 calories, but I work for 6 hours so I'm really going to have problems with that. See, this is also a problem with the ABC, I happen to have long, crappy shifts on the days with the fewest calories. I'm going to count the calories I've made for lunch tomorrow and see if it'll suffice.
- salad [I'm not sure about the calorie count, but basically it has iceberg +romaine lettuce, cabbage, carrot slices, a slice of red pepper, a piece of cucumber- I looked at dole american blend for the first 4 ingredients calorie count, and I'll just add based on the pepper and cucumber] (~20)
- fruit [3 strawberries, a few raspberries, a few blueberries, and a couple of blackberries, and approx. 10 grapes... 12+5+5+5+30] (~57)
Total: 77
-silhouette yogurt pack (35)
- a cheese pack (80)
Total: 192
And I was going to have breakfast (for once lol):
- whole wheat english muffin (120)
- 1 slice fat-free cheese (35)
- 1/4 cup egg substitute (30)
Total for day= ~377
That's not that bad :)
Okay, it's 10:30, I'm tired, and I'm going to attempt to get some sleep despite the fact that the dragon STILL hasn't stopped ripping apart my stomach:(
GO TO SLEEP, DRAGON!
Seriously, it really hurts. I really shouldn't have pigged out so much. After the last post, I downed a bowl of chips before making supper- brown sugar glazed carrots and vegetarian tomato and basil chicken with salad and cookies for desert and 100calorie chocolate milk. Good one, Jodi.
all my favourites. all in my stomach, sitting not so peacefully.
I went to the bathroom right after supper, but oddly, I couldn't purge without making really loud noises and my mom was in the next room. So, I decided to have a second shower of the day so the shower would drown it out. [I also turned on the washing machine in the room next to her to drown me out.] However, I had my fingers down my throat for like, 5 minutes, but all that happened was excess saliva drooping from my mouth and a whole lot of coughing and tears. My stomach was also hurting before the fingers went down my mouth, and it hasn't stopped in the past hour and a half. That's what you get for starving yourself for 4 days and bingeing on well over 1000 calories in less than an hour.
So, sitting in the shower, crying and wishing so bad I had the courage to cut to try to release some of the pain, I realized that I'm not ready to move on. I mean, I said that from now on I'll be healthy, but I ate a pretty healthy supper and cried that it was in my stomach. Thinking back at today's calories, it CAN'T be over 1200, which IS healthy, and yet I hated myself more than ever and am in a lot of physical pain. I'm not sure if ABC is over for me yet, but even if it is, I'm definitely not letting myself have more than 300 calories. I do NOT want a repeat of today, because I've realized that 300 calorie days are easy for me(hence yesterday), whereas anything over that makes it impossible not to binge. Tomorrow is 100 calories, but I work for 6 hours so I'm really going to have problems with that. See, this is also a problem with the ABC, I happen to have long, crappy shifts on the days with the fewest calories. I'm going to count the calories I've made for lunch tomorrow and see if it'll suffice.
- salad [I'm not sure about the calorie count, but basically it has iceberg +romaine lettuce, cabbage, carrot slices, a slice of red pepper, a piece of cucumber- I looked at dole american blend for the first 4 ingredients calorie count, and I'll just add based on the pepper and cucumber] (~20)
- fruit [3 strawberries, a few raspberries, a few blueberries, and a couple of blackberries, and approx. 10 grapes... 12+5+5+5+30] (~57)
Total: 77
-silhouette yogurt pack (35)
- a cheese pack (80)
Total: 192
And I was going to have breakfast (for once lol):
- whole wheat english muffin (120)
- 1 slice fat-free cheese (35)
- 1/4 cup egg substitute (30)
Total for day= ~377
That's not that bad :)
Okay, it's 10:30, I'm tired, and I'm going to attempt to get some sleep despite the fact that the dragon STILL hasn't stopped ripping apart my stomach:(
GO TO SLEEP, DRAGON!
uhh...yeah
attempt 3 at ABC: failed
I had a sudden urge to start eating loads of veggies and healthy stuff, but when I started I started eating all the junk food, too.
Calorie count: uncounted.
woops.
And the worst part is I had to buy all the veggies and stuff with my own money (almost $100 worth), so there's no way I'm going to waste it.
I just felt really bad about a math tips today. I went in for help, but the teacher was busy helping her younger students (who, btw, don't even have a test or tips today, so it's unfair that she spent the time helping them). I felt so upset I basically declared ABC over.
Next time I start, I will have to get over these emotional instabilities.
I'll probably start again in a week or so, once all the perishables are gone. I don't care about the junk food- someone will eat them, and they don't expire, sooo...
Yeah, I just feel worthless right now. My math mark was supposed to save me from my writer's craft mark. I had a 97 going into this tips, and tips are worth A LOT of marks. Seriously, if I don't get a 97 or higher in this course, my chances of getting into the program I want go down the drain...let alone the scholarships I was going to apply for! :(
I fail at everything.
EDIT: I realize that makes it sound like I'm making excuses to binge- but no. I'm just postponing the ABC diet until I feel more into it (and get my grades back up). I'm still making sure I don't consume more than 500 calories/day. Today wasn't as bad as I made it sound. I had a few mini chocolate bars (3 or 4 I think), a package of ritz sandwich crackers, 2 packs of rockets, salad, carrots, veggie chicken, and a 100 cal granola bar. Total is probably around 500 somewhere, so it wasn't that bad. I also bought a scale for my bathroom today and I weighed myself half an hour ago (with clothes, I'll do it nuuuuude later) and I am 99 pounds :) I'm ecstatic that I'm back in the double digits. Depending on what bmi calculator I use, I'm basically around 17.4 (I got everywhere from 17.1-17.6)...Wow, I actually used 10 different calculators to figure it out...can you say OCD?
I had a sudden urge to start eating loads of veggies and healthy stuff, but when I started I started eating all the junk food, too.
Calorie count: uncounted.
woops.
And the worst part is I had to buy all the veggies and stuff with my own money (almost $100 worth), so there's no way I'm going to waste it.
I just felt really bad about a math tips today. I went in for help, but the teacher was busy helping her younger students (who, btw, don't even have a test or tips today, so it's unfair that she spent the time helping them). I felt so upset I basically declared ABC over.
Next time I start, I will have to get over these emotional instabilities.
I'll probably start again in a week or so, once all the perishables are gone. I don't care about the junk food- someone will eat them, and they don't expire, sooo...
Yeah, I just feel worthless right now. My math mark was supposed to save me from my writer's craft mark. I had a 97 going into this tips, and tips are worth A LOT of marks. Seriously, if I don't get a 97 or higher in this course, my chances of getting into the program I want go down the drain...let alone the scholarships I was going to apply for! :(
I fail at everything.
EDIT: I realize that makes it sound like I'm making excuses to binge- but no. I'm just postponing the ABC diet until I feel more into it (and get my grades back up). I'm still making sure I don't consume more than 500 calories/day. Today wasn't as bad as I made it sound. I had a few mini chocolate bars (3 or 4 I think), a package of ritz sandwich crackers, 2 packs of rockets, salad, carrots, veggie chicken, and a 100 cal granola bar. Total is probably around 500 somewhere, so it wasn't that bad. I also bought a scale for my bathroom today and I weighed myself half an hour ago (with clothes, I'll do it nuuuuude later) and I am 99 pounds :) I'm ecstatic that I'm back in the double digits. Depending on what bmi calculator I use, I'm basically around 17.4 (I got everywhere from 17.1-17.6)...Wow, I actually used 10 different calculators to figure it out...can you say OCD?
Monday, November 1, 2010
Yay!
I succeeded today!
- 100 calorie granola bar
- 1 piece of toast (85) + ~1/2 tsp butter (I'll say 15)
- 1 veggie chicken strip (47.5) + <1 tbsp ketchup (<15) + 1 spray butter flavour (10)
Total: 272.5
AND I didn't have to purge! :)
there were no eggs :( so that's why I randomly went with the veggie chicken.
I'm so proud of myself today. I was sitting in bed watching tv, tired (but not very hungry) when a damn reeses pieces commercial came on and reminded me of the massive load of halloween candy mom and her boyfriend bought and are now sitting in my kitchen, AND of the candy bar mom gave me- sitting on my nightstand, AND of the bag of chocolate and rockets sitting on my floor that I bought with my sister 2 weeks ago on a whim, AND of the other crap in the cupboard- like my favourite brand of cheezies (crunchy and thick...oooo), ah caramels, joe louies, brownies, orange dreamsicle ice cream (my favourite), butter cream icing and chocolate cake mix (also my favourite), pizza in the fridge, and ritz cheese sandwhich crackers...:(. I swear my mom just stocks the cupboard with all my favourite junk foods just to make me want to binge.I was so close to announcing a binge- you know when you want it so bad you even convince yourself that it'll just be this once, and you declare it guilt-free and say you can get back on track the next day? I don't know if anyone can relate, but I do that a lot and give in, but feel bad the moment food goes into my mouth (see, it's never guilt-free). I was home alone, so I swore I'd crack and end up purging. BUT I DIDN'T! I didn't binge! And I feel so good right now!! Yussss!
I'm going to the store tomorrow. I'm almost out of diet coke :( (I really shouldn't rely on that so much, it rots the teeth)
I'll also grab some egg substitute, salad, veggies, fruit, and any low cal snacks I can find.
Tomorrow is a 400 cal day. Plan:
- granola bar (100)
- 1 piece of bread, toasted, with 1/2 piece of kraft cheese slice (~115)
- 1/2 cup liquid egg whites or egg substitute (60) + 1 spray butter flavour (10)
total so far: 285
oof it's hard. There are way too many calories tomorrow :(
let's see, what could I have for 115 calories?oh yeah, I forgot to add some ketchup to the 'grilled cheese' (15), and maybe 1/2 tsp butter (15)
sooo that now comes to 315... I'll have 85 calories to play with. I may decide to have a mini candy bar, which are between 40 and 60 calories, depending on which one I decide to have.
- 100 calorie granola bar
- 1 piece of toast (85) + ~1/2 tsp butter (I'll say 15)
- 1 veggie chicken strip (47.5) + <1 tbsp ketchup (<15) + 1 spray butter flavour (10)
Total: 272.5
AND I didn't have to purge! :)
there were no eggs :( so that's why I randomly went with the veggie chicken.
I'm so proud of myself today. I was sitting in bed watching tv, tired (but not very hungry) when a damn reeses pieces commercial came on and reminded me of the massive load of halloween candy mom and her boyfriend bought and are now sitting in my kitchen, AND of the candy bar mom gave me- sitting on my nightstand, AND of the bag of chocolate and rockets sitting on my floor that I bought with my sister 2 weeks ago on a whim, AND of the other crap in the cupboard- like my favourite brand of cheezies (crunchy and thick...oooo), ah caramels, joe louies, brownies, orange dreamsicle ice cream (my favourite), butter cream icing and chocolate cake mix (also my favourite), pizza in the fridge, and ritz cheese sandwhich crackers...:(. I swear my mom just stocks the cupboard with all my favourite junk foods just to make me want to binge.I was so close to announcing a binge- you know when you want it so bad you even convince yourself that it'll just be this once, and you declare it guilt-free and say you can get back on track the next day? I don't know if anyone can relate, but I do that a lot and give in, but feel bad the moment food goes into my mouth (see, it's never guilt-free). I was home alone, so I swore I'd crack and end up purging. BUT I DIDN'T! I didn't binge! And I feel so good right now!! Yussss!
I'm going to the store tomorrow. I'm almost out of diet coke :( (I really shouldn't rely on that so much, it rots the teeth)
I'll also grab some egg substitute, salad, veggies, fruit, and any low cal snacks I can find.
Tomorrow is a 400 cal day. Plan:
- granola bar (100)
- 1 piece of bread, toasted, with 1/2 piece of kraft cheese slice (~115)
- 1/2 cup liquid egg whites or egg substitute (60) + 1 spray butter flavour (10)
total so far: 285
oof it's hard. There are way too many calories tomorrow :(
let's see, what could I have for 115 calories?oh yeah, I forgot to add some ketchup to the 'grilled cheese' (15), and maybe 1/2 tsp butter (15)
sooo that now comes to 315... I'll have 85 calories to play with. I may decide to have a mini candy bar, which are between 40 and 60 calories, depending on which one I decide to have.
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