I'm so over what went down yesterday/ way too early this morning.
Turns out, it was all a dumb scam. (which is just sick. and ridiculous.)
I don't feel stupid though, and I don't regret anything I said about people being bitchy for calling someone else a troll. We had no proof at the time that this person was trolling, so it was uncalled for. The thing is: you never know, so why take the chance?
And then there was some girl who apparently went on and made a thread that deemed people attractive or unattractive, and that got out of hand. I posted on a thread about that thread (lol) and now I just feel like I was being a bitch. I didn't really see what went down, but I still pryed my way into it :/
From now on, I'm just going to stick out of it. I hate that the boards have been full of this stuff in the past couple of days. I never really noticed any of it before :/
So today, I'm having aweful hunger pains, I feel physically sick, and my head is pounding. I've eating fruit and yogurt at work (180), apple slices (40) with peanut butter (probably 180, I could have done without, but someone handed it to me and I didn't want to awkwardly say no :/ ), 7 saltine crackers (90) and a mini chocolate (40), for a total of ... 530? ohmy, that's really high. It's 5 pm and I have yet to eat supper. My last exam is in 16 hours and I feel sick and still have to study, so there's no way I'm skipping supper. My mark is too important to risk for one day of a somewhat satisiable calorie intake. I'm thinking I'll have a veggie chicken breast (180), maybe a bit of rice? no, no rice. But I may have something else with it. we'll see. I just need energy, and I need it now so I can finally study. :/
Well, this fatty is hungry, so peace out.
EDIT: fatty ate too much :(
I went on a chocolate rampage. I found my mom's hidden stash, and I made excuses. "I'm so stressed over exams. Just eat it and you'll be able to study better"...yeah right. Now I'm full of chocolate, crackers, vegetarian chicken, and a kaiser bun...and obviously tons of calories. I'd estimate the chocolate intake alone at 700 :/ god, I'm such a failure. I don't even deserve to pass my exam tomorrow. I can't study because all I can think about is all that food sitting in my stomach, making me fat. It's going to make me gain two more fucking pounds that will take me weeks to get off. I was finally starting to see the scale decrease, and now this shit happens? WHY. ME.?
oh god, I just remembered my drama friends are getting together tomorrow, and we're making dinner (and...eating it). I'm the one who practically organized it, so I can't just not go, and I can't go and not eat :/ What do I do what do I do what do I do??!? HOW DID I NOT REALIZE THIS SOONER?!? Oh my god, I think I'm having a panic attack. I don't even know what we're making yet!
Okay, it's cool. I can do this. I'll have oatmeal for breakfast, but after the exam I won't eat anything. fuck, I'm going for coffee with a friend. Okay, get a water and you'll be fine. She wouldn't notice anything. Okay, then go to the dinner and put something in every dish so you can't have it. Good. good. No having to eat.
ahhh, crisis averted.
Sunday, January 30, 2011
Saturday, January 29, 2011
On PT today.
Okay, something on PT really bothered me, and I need to let this out.
I guess some girl who's been a known drama queen made a post bringing drama for her real-life and threatening suicide and deleted her account, then another member came on and said that he was the one the post was aimed at (because they know each other in real life) and said a few more things, like something along the lines of it was coming to her and he secretly hopes she spends a long time in ICU (oh yeah, forgot to mention he said she's in the hospital).
Honestly, we don't know the whole story, so it's truly none of our business. People were saying how horrible he is, etc. But honestly, we only heard her side. He wasn't catty enough to try and defend himself and make her look bad, and I'm sure he could have tried (so kuddos to that). Haven't you ever been so frustrated with someone that you said things you don't mean? Of course you have. It's none of our fucking business what he said. He didn't know how unstable she was and how serious she was about going through with her threats. He didn't know that what he was saying would cause her to actually KILL HERSELF (which we later learned she had died). Now he feels like shit for what he said to her and about her, and people kept making it worse by saying what a jerk he was. Seriously, he fucking knows. But you don't. You don't know the whole story, why would you pry yourself in and make him feel like a worthless piece of shit because you feel like starting drama. Don't get involved in other's people's drama, because YOU DON'T FUCKING HAVE A CLUE.
And that's not even what pissed me off the most. What was horribly DISGUSTING was that people were bitching the whole thread about it being fake, calling her a troll and saying that he was just the same person on a different account. Okay, I get it, it's a little fishy. I KNOW there are some odd things in this story, but honestly you have no right to say who's a troll and who's not because (hey, I'm going to repeat myself here): YOU DON'T FUCKING KNOW. JUST because people don't act the same way you do, doesn't mean they are fakes. To be honest, I was suspicious too, but I would NEVER tell someone they're just trolling or being a drama queen. ESPECIALLY on such a serious thread.
So I posted: wtf is wrong with you people? what does voicing your concerns that this is a fake have to do with anything? fuck, if you want to bitch about it, bitch in PMs or go make your own fucking topic and discuss there, not on her suicide post. you're making him feel like complete shit, and why? What does that accomplish for you?
(along with a little message to the guy involved)
and then someone posted in response saying :
am voicing my concernes here so that people like you dont fall for obvious trolling.
What does it accomplish for me? Well, nothing really. Do I care though? No, not a shit was given on this day.
~~
wow, okay, so you're just a bitch? Okay. Go fuck yourself.
I'm not a fucking idiot. I know he/she/they could very well be trolling. ANYONE on PT could be a troll. Do I care? NO. I subject MYSELF to that.
Good for you for being such a bitch as to not care what your 'concerns' are doing to other people- i.e. the guy whose friend just killed herself because something he said to her, unknowing that she was so emotionally fucked up.
Honestly, it does nothing for you but EVERYTHING to someone like him. You alienated him in the only place that supported him in his time of such grief. I'm just glad that people like YOU tend to just hover in your own little minds instead of infecting those around you. Fortunately, there are more people like ME on PT who gave him the support he needed.
why the fuck do people have to be so rude. WHY DO THEY FEEL THEY HAVE TO 'WARN' OTHERS? what. the. fuck.
sorry, ranting. That just pissed me off and the thread was locked so I couldn't tell her any of this.
Usually, I'm very calm, but this just set me off. I don't think I've ever bitched anyone out before. I wish people could just employ the old 'if you don't have anything nice to say' idea. I know it's tacky and somewhat stupid, but at least on such a serious topic it should be remembered that people are in a vulnerable place. Don't be a bitch in the worst place possible to be a bitch.
I guess this is usually where I say peace out. It seems pointless now.
I guess some girl who's been a known drama queen made a post bringing drama for her real-life and threatening suicide and deleted her account, then another member came on and said that he was the one the post was aimed at (because they know each other in real life) and said a few more things, like something along the lines of it was coming to her and he secretly hopes she spends a long time in ICU (oh yeah, forgot to mention he said she's in the hospital).
Honestly, we don't know the whole story, so it's truly none of our business. People were saying how horrible he is, etc. But honestly, we only heard her side. He wasn't catty enough to try and defend himself and make her look bad, and I'm sure he could have tried (so kuddos to that). Haven't you ever been so frustrated with someone that you said things you don't mean? Of course you have. It's none of our fucking business what he said. He didn't know how unstable she was and how serious she was about going through with her threats. He didn't know that what he was saying would cause her to actually KILL HERSELF (which we later learned she had died). Now he feels like shit for what he said to her and about her, and people kept making it worse by saying what a jerk he was. Seriously, he fucking knows. But you don't. You don't know the whole story, why would you pry yourself in and make him feel like a worthless piece of shit because you feel like starting drama. Don't get involved in other's people's drama, because YOU DON'T FUCKING HAVE A CLUE.
And that's not even what pissed me off the most. What was horribly DISGUSTING was that people were bitching the whole thread about it being fake, calling her a troll and saying that he was just the same person on a different account. Okay, I get it, it's a little fishy. I KNOW there are some odd things in this story, but honestly you have no right to say who's a troll and who's not because (hey, I'm going to repeat myself here): YOU DON'T FUCKING KNOW. JUST because people don't act the same way you do, doesn't mean they are fakes. To be honest, I was suspicious too, but I would NEVER tell someone they're just trolling or being a drama queen. ESPECIALLY on such a serious thread.
So I posted: wtf is wrong with you people? what does voicing your concerns that this is a fake have to do with anything? fuck, if you want to bitch about it, bitch in PMs or go make your own fucking topic and discuss there, not on her suicide post. you're making him feel like complete shit, and why? What does that accomplish for you?
(along with a little message to the guy involved)
and then someone posted in response saying :
am voicing my concernes here so that people like you dont fall for obvious trolling.
What does it accomplish for me? Well, nothing really. Do I care though? No, not a shit was given on this day.
~~
wow, okay, so you're just a bitch? Okay. Go fuck yourself.
I'm not a fucking idiot. I know he/she/they could very well be trolling. ANYONE on PT could be a troll. Do I care? NO. I subject MYSELF to that.
Good for you for being such a bitch as to not care what your 'concerns' are doing to other people- i.e. the guy whose friend just killed herself because something he said to her, unknowing that she was so emotionally fucked up.
Honestly, it does nothing for you but EVERYTHING to someone like him. You alienated him in the only place that supported him in his time of such grief. I'm just glad that people like YOU tend to just hover in your own little minds instead of infecting those around you. Fortunately, there are more people like ME on PT who gave him the support he needed.
why the fuck do people have to be so rude. WHY DO THEY FEEL THEY HAVE TO 'WARN' OTHERS? what. the. fuck.
sorry, ranting. That just pissed me off and the thread was locked so I couldn't tell her any of this.
Usually, I'm very calm, but this just set me off. I don't think I've ever bitched anyone out before. I wish people could just employ the old 'if you don't have anything nice to say' idea. I know it's tacky and somewhat stupid, but at least on such a serious topic it should be remembered that people are in a vulnerable place. Don't be a bitch in the worst place possible to be a bitch.
I guess this is usually where I say peace out. It seems pointless now.
Friday, January 28, 2011
I'm fucked.
I'm sitting in bed, on PT and watching 'X-Weighted' on tv with my cat trying to climb on my stomach, but I keep pushing him away because then I can't see my laptop. :/
So on PT, there was a topic called "I remember a time..." where you post the things you remember before having an ED. It looked harmless, so I posted. Then, taking the walk down memory lane, it made me cry thinking about how long it's been since I could eat food without feeling major guilt and wanting to fucking kill myself. All the family moments we used to have that centred around food. I guess I started linking food with family, togetherness, and a time of innocence. And now, I feel like EVERYTHING in my life centres around FOOD. I'm missing out on so much, and a lot of it includes family. I don't eat family meals anymore. I go out to restaurants maybe once a month, if that (whereas we used to go two-three times a week). I can't sit down to watch a movie with my dad and sister because they always eat junk and I can't be around that. I hate that I've isolated myself from the people who mean the most to me all because of food.
And then there's the issue of friends. I was thinking recently about where we'll all go after graduation- who I'd still be friends with, who I wouldn't care to see anymore, who I'd let go- and I realized I only have one real friend. Everyone else I've decided is just 'temporary', a filler for a friend. This one friend, however, I don't even hang out with much and we still may end up going separate directions, but I want to keep her in my life so badly. We've been through a lot together and we always give each other pep talks when we're down. We try to hang out, but our plans always fall through. I really hope we can stay friends, but we'll see...
So anyway, I don't know what the point of this post is. I'm hungry, but I won't eat. I've got a can of coke zero and hunger pains and I keep thinking about going into the kitchen for fruit and crackers, but I don't want to. :/ See, every thought in my mind is about food.
FUCK, this is so fucked.
Well, I think I'm done with this post, so peace out.
So on PT, there was a topic called "I remember a time..." where you post the things you remember before having an ED. It looked harmless, so I posted. Then, taking the walk down memory lane, it made me cry thinking about how long it's been since I could eat food without feeling major guilt and wanting to fucking kill myself. All the family moments we used to have that centred around food. I guess I started linking food with family, togetherness, and a time of innocence. And now, I feel like EVERYTHING in my life centres around FOOD. I'm missing out on so much, and a lot of it includes family. I don't eat family meals anymore. I go out to restaurants maybe once a month, if that (whereas we used to go two-three times a week). I can't sit down to watch a movie with my dad and sister because they always eat junk and I can't be around that. I hate that I've isolated myself from the people who mean the most to me all because of food.
And then there's the issue of friends. I was thinking recently about where we'll all go after graduation- who I'd still be friends with, who I wouldn't care to see anymore, who I'd let go- and I realized I only have one real friend. Everyone else I've decided is just 'temporary', a filler for a friend. This one friend, however, I don't even hang out with much and we still may end up going separate directions, but I want to keep her in my life so badly. We've been through a lot together and we always give each other pep talks when we're down. We try to hang out, but our plans always fall through. I really hope we can stay friends, but we'll see...
So anyway, I don't know what the point of this post is. I'm hungry, but I won't eat. I've got a can of coke zero and hunger pains and I keep thinking about going into the kitchen for fruit and crackers, but I don't want to. :/ See, every thought in my mind is about food.
FUCK, this is so fucked.
Well, I think I'm done with this post, so peace out.
Wednesday, January 26, 2011
Odd :/
Today I ate like a 'normal' person.
I had an exam, so I woke up and ate breakfast (2 eggs, 1 piece of cal-reduced toast with peanut butter, 3 strawberries, 6 blueberries, 3 blackberries, 3/4 banana and a glass of milk)...I couldn't stomach it so it just came right back out :/ (totally not my fault.)
Then, I came home and ate salad, light vegetable soup, and a kaiser roll with butter. I wanted to be healthy until I finish my exams. I've been trying to eat a healthy intake for the past couple of days so I can just get through this stressful week, but I end up hating myself for it.
Is there something wrong with me because I think there's something wrong with being healthy, or at least wanting to be healthy?
I ended up eating 5 saltine crackers...4 cupcakes (ERGG)...4 mini chocolates (double EERRRG)...and now I'm eating popcorn.
fudgecrackerrsssssss >:(
I hate this. I can't BE healthy and happy at the same time. At least when I restrict, I get a high from the scale's low number. But now, eating healthy, I'm too afraid to go on the scale...and I STILL BINGED. Healthy doesn't solve anything.
I was going to have rice and vegetarian chicken, but I doubt that's going to happen. Back to restricting for me. My exam will just have to deal.
Starting now.No set calorie limits, just stay low.
No junk food. I'll bring back binge fridays to keep me on track.
Tomorrow's plan:
1-2pmish: fruit, yogurt
at work (~8 pm): apple
and that will be it. stick to that, fatty.
and on a slightly happier note, I've officially accepted my offer of admission to the University of Ottawa for Health Sciences in French Immersion. yay :)
Well, I'm tired so peace out (:
I had an exam, so I woke up and ate breakfast (2 eggs, 1 piece of cal-reduced toast with peanut butter, 3 strawberries, 6 blueberries, 3 blackberries, 3/4 banana and a glass of milk)...I couldn't stomach it so it just came right back out :/ (totally not my fault.)
Then, I came home and ate salad, light vegetable soup, and a kaiser roll with butter. I wanted to be healthy until I finish my exams. I've been trying to eat a healthy intake for the past couple of days so I can just get through this stressful week, but I end up hating myself for it.
Is there something wrong with me because I think there's something wrong with being healthy, or at least wanting to be healthy?
I ended up eating 5 saltine crackers...4 cupcakes (ERGG)...4 mini chocolates (double EERRRG)...and now I'm eating popcorn.
fudgecrackerrsssssss >:(
I hate this. I can't BE healthy and happy at the same time. At least when I restrict, I get a high from the scale's low number. But now, eating healthy, I'm too afraid to go on the scale...and I STILL BINGED. Healthy doesn't solve anything.
I was going to have rice and vegetarian chicken, but I doubt that's going to happen. Back to restricting for me. My exam will just have to deal.
Starting now.No set calorie limits, just stay low.
No junk food. I'll bring back binge fridays to keep me on track.
Tomorrow's plan:
1-2pmish: fruit, yogurt
at work (~8 pm): apple
and that will be it. stick to that, fatty.
and on a slightly happier note, I've officially accepted my offer of admission to the University of Ottawa for Health Sciences in French Immersion. yay :)
Well, I'm tired so peace out (:
Tuesday, January 25, 2011
STRESSING OVER EXAMS =S
ugh I hate this time of the semester...
It shouldn't be that stressful... All I have to do is keep an 80 average to keep my scholarship, 70 to keep my acceptance. My 'average average' is 94. This should be a piece of cake.
Yet, I have my writer's craft exam in 13 hours and I'm freaking out.
there are 60 giant words I have to memorize, plus their meanings, plus how to use them in a sentence...
along with latin prefixes and examples and meanings,
along with allusions, which means I have to re-read all my poetry books and anthology and remember the titles...
and a bunch of other stuff, like prepositions and pronous, but I feel fine with those. It's just the words, prefixes, and allusions I'm stressing about.
And, above all, it's making me overeat. I haven't gained...but I haven't lost either. :(
I'M SUPPOSED TO BE FUCKING FASTING. Today I went skiing with dad (I know, the day before an exam, how dumb) and I ate a fruit and yogurt, a granola bar, 1/2 a chocolate bar, fries, chocolate chip muffin, soy chili, a kaiser roll, salad, a cupcake, a hot chocolate, and a french vanilla cappucino...and I still want another bloody cupcake. UGHHH frustraing. :/
So I SHOULD be studying, but silly me loves to procrastinate, so I've been on PT, facebook, and this for 45 minutes instead.
Tomorrow after my exam, I'll make sure to NOT eat the whole fucking kitchen. Thank god my math exam isn't until Monday. I think I'll study for about 1 hour tomorrow, then just relax. I'm still freezing, even though we came home from the hill 4 hours ago :S
I should really go study. Peace out.
EDIT: 3 hours later, and I've only studied the words. :/
EDIT EDIT: 4 hours later, and I'm too fucking tired to give a damn what I get tomorrow. I'm going to bed.
It shouldn't be that stressful... All I have to do is keep an 80 average to keep my scholarship, 70 to keep my acceptance. My 'average average' is 94. This should be a piece of cake.
Yet, I have my writer's craft exam in 13 hours and I'm freaking out.
there are 60 giant words I have to memorize, plus their meanings, plus how to use them in a sentence...
along with latin prefixes and examples and meanings,
along with allusions, which means I have to re-read all my poetry books and anthology and remember the titles...
and a bunch of other stuff, like prepositions and pronous, but I feel fine with those. It's just the words, prefixes, and allusions I'm stressing about.
And, above all, it's making me overeat. I haven't gained...but I haven't lost either. :(
I'M SUPPOSED TO BE FUCKING FASTING. Today I went skiing with dad (I know, the day before an exam, how dumb) and I ate a fruit and yogurt, a granola bar, 1/2 a chocolate bar, fries, chocolate chip muffin, soy chili, a kaiser roll, salad, a cupcake, a hot chocolate, and a french vanilla cappucino...and I still want another bloody cupcake. UGHHH frustraing. :/
So I SHOULD be studying, but silly me loves to procrastinate, so I've been on PT, facebook, and this for 45 minutes instead.
Tomorrow after my exam, I'll make sure to NOT eat the whole fucking kitchen. Thank god my math exam isn't until Monday. I think I'll study for about 1 hour tomorrow, then just relax. I'm still freezing, even though we came home from the hill 4 hours ago :S
I should really go study. Peace out.
EDIT: 3 hours later, and I've only studied the words. :/
EDIT EDIT: 4 hours later, and I'm too fucking tired to give a damn what I get tomorrow. I'm going to bed.
Monday, January 24, 2011
I was supposed to be fasting
But I didn't :/
Today I went to school, skipped first period and ended up in the library studying for exams. (I didn't technically skip because my teacher was the one who wanted to do other work and pretty much kicked us out of her classroom lol) A couple of us went to timmy's and someone bought me a cafe mocha without whipped cream... :/
When we got back, I went to second period but left after 10 minutes to 'study' in the library, and a couple of my friends begged me to drive them to Cora's (a breakfast restaurant) for brunch, so we went...
I had 2 pieces of toast with peanut butter and jam, 2 scrambled eggs, and a bunch of fresh fruit.
Then, I came home from school and, because I am a fat piece of lard and can't stop eating once I start, I ate TWO cupcakes that my stepsister baked, some hard candies while I was studying, and a bunch of crackers. The day ended at 1520 MINIMUM. UUUUUUGH. I completely underestimated what I was eating all day. that'll teach me for straying from the plan.
Tomorrow, I'm going skiing, so I'll be working a lot of it off. However, I'll be with my dad, who likes to load me up with sugars and stuff while we're out... :/
We don't bring our own lunches because then things just become so cluttered and crowded in our little car. Hopefully the resort has healthy options...maybe a sandwich, soup, pretzels, or something of the sort. I reallly hope they sell fruit and yogurt and things like that. I'm not looking forward to that part of the day.
I know I'm going to want a hot chocolate once we get out there... It was -30 today, so tomorrow won't be much warmer... I'll be sure to ski slowly to burn more calories.
Well, I've got studying to do, so peace out. :)
Today I went to school, skipped first period and ended up in the library studying for exams. (I didn't technically skip because my teacher was the one who wanted to do other work and pretty much kicked us out of her classroom lol) A couple of us went to timmy's and someone bought me a cafe mocha without whipped cream... :/
When we got back, I went to second period but left after 10 minutes to 'study' in the library, and a couple of my friends begged me to drive them to Cora's (a breakfast restaurant) for brunch, so we went...
I had 2 pieces of toast with peanut butter and jam, 2 scrambled eggs, and a bunch of fresh fruit.
Then, I came home from school and, because I am a fat piece of lard and can't stop eating once I start, I ate TWO cupcakes that my stepsister baked, some hard candies while I was studying, and a bunch of crackers. The day ended at 1520 MINIMUM. UUUUUUGH. I completely underestimated what I was eating all day. that'll teach me for straying from the plan.
Tomorrow, I'm going skiing, so I'll be working a lot of it off. However, I'll be with my dad, who likes to load me up with sugars and stuff while we're out... :/
We don't bring our own lunches because then things just become so cluttered and crowded in our little car. Hopefully the resort has healthy options...maybe a sandwich, soup, pretzels, or something of the sort. I reallly hope they sell fruit and yogurt and things like that. I'm not looking forward to that part of the day.
I know I'm going to want a hot chocolate once we get out there... It was -30 today, so tomorrow won't be much warmer... I'll be sure to ski slowly to burn more calories.
Well, I've got studying to do, so peace out. :)
Friday, January 21, 2011
Best Idea I've Ever Had :)
So I finally solved this 'binging' problem.
Not sure if it will work 100%, but it's definitely worth a shot. It worked for this entire past week, so we'll see.
So I made a plan that Fridays will be binge days, when I can indulge in all the cravings I've had all week. Granted, it's never guilt-free, but at least it's only one binge in the week, instead of 4-7 :/
So I was super pumped last night, and made a huge list of foods I'd want today. I'd been doing so well and hadn't eaten anything but grapes, bread, vegetarian bologna, and rice cakes for 3 days so the cravings were getting quite bad. But knowing that I'd soon be allowed to binge helped me through the tough times.
This morning, I woke up and DIDN'T WANT TO EAT ANYTHING! It was like, everything that had been building up for the past week suddenly went away.
However, I still forced myself to eat some of the junk just because I believed it would keep my cravings low for the next few days, so I still feel like a fat cow and my stomach is flipflopping...
Anywhoo, I'm repeating this plan next week. I'm fasting tomorrow until thursday (while going skiing tuesday and exam on wednesday :/ ), thursday I'll eat very little, but Friday I'll let myself binge. Except next time, if I don't feel like eating, I bloody well won't. Maybe over time, this plan will help diminish my cravings? We'll see...
I feel weird for planning my binges. Binges are supposed to be spontaneous, lack of control, yet I've put a plan and structure to mine. Oddly, it makes me feel like a 'fake' an eating disordered individual :/ I know, it's weird. But if it works for me, don't judge.
So hopefully all will go well. I work tomorrow at 6 (ugh...get up at 4:40), so peace out :)
Not sure if it will work 100%, but it's definitely worth a shot. It worked for this entire past week, so we'll see.
So I made a plan that Fridays will be binge days, when I can indulge in all the cravings I've had all week. Granted, it's never guilt-free, but at least it's only one binge in the week, instead of 4-7 :/
So I was super pumped last night, and made a huge list of foods I'd want today. I'd been doing so well and hadn't eaten anything but grapes, bread, vegetarian bologna, and rice cakes for 3 days so the cravings were getting quite bad. But knowing that I'd soon be allowed to binge helped me through the tough times.
This morning, I woke up and DIDN'T WANT TO EAT ANYTHING! It was like, everything that had been building up for the past week suddenly went away.
However, I still forced myself to eat some of the junk just because I believed it would keep my cravings low for the next few days, so I still feel like a fat cow and my stomach is flipflopping...
Anywhoo, I'm repeating this plan next week. I'm fasting tomorrow until thursday (while going skiing tuesday and exam on wednesday :/ ), thursday I'll eat very little, but Friday I'll let myself binge. Except next time, if I don't feel like eating, I bloody well won't. Maybe over time, this plan will help diminish my cravings? We'll see...
I feel weird for planning my binges. Binges are supposed to be spontaneous, lack of control, yet I've put a plan and structure to mine. Oddly, it makes me feel like a 'fake' an eating disordered individual :/ I know, it's weird. But if it works for me, don't judge.
So hopefully all will go well. I work tomorrow at 6 (ugh...get up at 4:40), so peace out :)
today, tomorrow, the next day...
today I ate 17 grapes, 1 rice cake, 1/2 a piece of bread, a piece of vegetarian bologna, and like 1/2 an apple.
Looking at the list, it feels like so much, even though it's only about 210 calories :/
Tomorrow, I'll eat: the whole friggin house.
It's binge day tomorrow. I haven't touched junk food in days, so I'm really looking forward to it. After that, I'm fasting until Thursday. I work Thursday, so I'll faint if I don't break it by then.:/
Anywhoo, just wanted to update before I went to bed. Summatives are finally done, so I don't really have anything to worry about in school until exams next week. I only have two: math and writer's craft. I'm not worrying...yet.
I baked cupcakes today. There was a bit of leftover batter and I 'chewed'/spit (how do you 'chew' batter?). It was quite tasty, but I burnt the bottoms :( Oh well, there only for the drama class. Nobody will notice, especially since I put a mound of icing on each of them (and I had fun with neon food colouring, too!)
I can't wait until tomorrow night. Massive binge + catch up on sleep = temporary happines :)
Well, I have to get up in 6 hours, so peace out :)
Looking at the list, it feels like so much, even though it's only about 210 calories :/
Tomorrow, I'll eat: the whole friggin house.
It's binge day tomorrow. I haven't touched junk food in days, so I'm really looking forward to it. After that, I'm fasting until Thursday. I work Thursday, so I'll faint if I don't break it by then.:/
Anywhoo, just wanted to update before I went to bed. Summatives are finally done, so I don't really have anything to worry about in school until exams next week. I only have two: math and writer's craft. I'm not worrying...yet.
I baked cupcakes today. There was a bit of leftover batter and I 'chewed'/spit (how do you 'chew' batter?). It was quite tasty, but I burnt the bottoms :( Oh well, there only for the drama class. Nobody will notice, especially since I put a mound of icing on each of them (and I had fun with neon food colouring, too!)
I can't wait until tomorrow night. Massive binge + catch up on sleep = temporary happines :)
Well, I have to get up in 6 hours, so peace out :)
Wednesday, January 19, 2011
I'm such a procrastinator
I stayed home from school and called in sick to work to do my summatives (projects worth 10-30% of final grades). I have three due tomorrow. My drama one is pretty good, I have to study for my math one, and I haven't started my writing one. :/
Yeah, it's 5 pm, have done NOTHING all day...
but...I am relaxed...which I haven't been in a looong time.
So, starting in 5 minutes...I'm going to work until it's all done.
I haven't eaten yet today. I had 1/2 a cup of coffee with a bit of milk and sugar, but that's it. I'm going to have a few grapes in a couple of minutes, maybe yogurt in a few hours, but that's it. I'm only allowing myself the bare minimum for food.
well, I'mma go work now, so peace out.
Yeah, it's 5 pm, have done NOTHING all day...
but...I am relaxed...which I haven't been in a looong time.
So, starting in 5 minutes...I'm going to work until it's all done.
I haven't eaten yet today. I had 1/2 a cup of coffee with a bit of milk and sugar, but that's it. I'm going to have a few grapes in a couple of minutes, maybe yogurt in a few hours, but that's it. I'm only allowing myself the bare minimum for food.
well, I'mma go work now, so peace out.
Tuesday, January 18, 2011
I want to be dead.
I just don't understand why I'm still living.
As far as I know, I'm incapable of loving and of being loved.
Seriously, I've tried so many times, and failed. Very few guys have ever liked me, and those who do seem to be exactly what I need in my life. They're smart, kind, sweet, really know how to care for a woman, have a purpose in life, etc (and some haven't been too bad looking ;) ) But I try and try and try to have even the tiniest feelings for them, but nothing. Therefore...I am incapable of loving.
People also don't like me. I guess it's because I don't like me, so that's the energy I have around me? That, or...I'm just a fucking loser. The only friends I have are just kind of 'fillers'. I know after high school, I'll never see them again.
So I'm destined to end up alone. The only person in this world that I care about is my mother.
To be 100% honest, the only reasons I'm still alive now are:
1) MY MUM. Could NOT do that to her.
2) My pets.
3) people always say: it gets better. Well I've been waiting for 6 fucking years.
4) I feel too young. Maybe life is better once I get out of school? Part of me wants to believe that #3 could be true.
5) I'm too chicken.
Tonight, I realized that I really have nothing to live for. I'd probably make the shittiest doctor on the planet and anything born from me will be destined to become as horrible as I am.
Tonight, I'm checking off number 5.
I'm not afraid anymore. I know there's nothing for me in this life. I'm not going to go with the instant route though. I want a long death, one that if I do suddenly change my mind, there's time to reverse it. I mean, this is SUICIDE we're talking about. Once life is gone, there ain't no getting it back. I don't want to kill myself based on my feelings on one night. Mine will takes weeks, maybe months, but it will be so beautiful.
I'm no longer starving myself for self-approval. I'm starving myself to die.
I'm done eating.
As far as I know, I'm incapable of loving and of being loved.
Seriously, I've tried so many times, and failed. Very few guys have ever liked me, and those who do seem to be exactly what I need in my life. They're smart, kind, sweet, really know how to care for a woman, have a purpose in life, etc (and some haven't been too bad looking ;) ) But I try and try and try to have even the tiniest feelings for them, but nothing. Therefore...I am incapable of loving.
People also don't like me. I guess it's because I don't like me, so that's the energy I have around me? That, or...I'm just a fucking loser. The only friends I have are just kind of 'fillers'. I know after high school, I'll never see them again.
So I'm destined to end up alone. The only person in this world that I care about is my mother.
To be 100% honest, the only reasons I'm still alive now are:
1) MY MUM. Could NOT do that to her.
2) My pets.
3) people always say: it gets better. Well I've been waiting for 6 fucking years.
4) I feel too young. Maybe life is better once I get out of school? Part of me wants to believe that #3 could be true.
5) I'm too chicken.
Tonight, I realized that I really have nothing to live for. I'd probably make the shittiest doctor on the planet and anything born from me will be destined to become as horrible as I am.
Tonight, I'm checking off number 5.
I'm not afraid anymore. I know there's nothing for me in this life. I'm not going to go with the instant route though. I want a long death, one that if I do suddenly change my mind, there's time to reverse it. I mean, this is SUICIDE we're talking about. Once life is gone, there ain't no getting it back. I don't want to kill myself based on my feelings on one night. Mine will takes weeks, maybe months, but it will be so beautiful.
I'm no longer starving myself for self-approval. I'm starving myself to die.
I'm done eating.
Sunday, January 16, 2011
feeling empty
Right now I'm feeling lower than ever.
It's taking all my strength not to self harm or to purge. I don't know why I want to so badly, it's not like anything has happened to me recently that's made me feel this way. Yesterday, or the day before that -- I really can't keep track when I'm like this -- I just suddenly started feeling empty. Like my life is pointless, like I lack purpose. I feel alone and depressed and...disgusting. Nobody loves me. Nobody cares for me.
I feel very...anxious and antsy right now. For some reason, I started getting crazy thoughts in my head that I never really thought about before. To some, they seem normal: things like dying my hair brown, getting a choppy haircut, getting a tattoo and a belly piercing. These things I've always thought would be cool to do but I was convinced that I would never. But now, I want to more than ever. But the question is: why? Will doing these things suddenly make me feel that I've found a purpose? Will they fill the emptiness that has consumed me?
I don't know. All I do know is that I just want to go get drunk, be stupid, knock down mail boxes, and even... god forbid... DO DRUGS. not hardcore, just weed. I've never done it before. I'm feeling extremely rebellious right now, which is kind of scaring me, but it's also oddly revitalizing.
I'm thinking of setting new goals and incorporate these into the goals. I don't have a scale right now, so I'll have to wait a couple days and sneak out and get one. Who knows, maybe I've already hit goal 1?
105: haircut...side bangs, choppy layers?
100: dye hair brown...if I still want to by then that is :/ (I'd really like to, but as I have such a unique...and apparently envied...natural hair colour, I'm terrified it won't come back 100%)
95: tattoo on hip...either stars or a funky heart. not sure if I want back or front though
90: belly button piercing
85: try weed. just once.
80: umm...happiness? chyeah right. Maybe I'll just settle for quitting my shitty job and getting an eyebrow piercing. I've always wanted one but we aren't allowed to have them where I work.
oh yeah, and the other day I told someone I'm 5'3.5"...which is understating (I thought I was 5'3.75"), and was told upright that I can't be taller than 5'2", 5'2.5" max. ugh I wish I had a tape measure here so I can find out for myself.
It's taking all my strength not to self harm or to purge. I don't know why I want to so badly, it's not like anything has happened to me recently that's made me feel this way. Yesterday, or the day before that -- I really can't keep track when I'm like this -- I just suddenly started feeling empty. Like my life is pointless, like I lack purpose. I feel alone and depressed and...disgusting. Nobody loves me. Nobody cares for me.
I feel very...anxious and antsy right now. For some reason, I started getting crazy thoughts in my head that I never really thought about before. To some, they seem normal: things like dying my hair brown, getting a choppy haircut, getting a tattoo and a belly piercing. These things I've always thought would be cool to do but I was convinced that I would never. But now, I want to more than ever. But the question is: why? Will doing these things suddenly make me feel that I've found a purpose? Will they fill the emptiness that has consumed me?
I don't know. All I do know is that I just want to go get drunk, be stupid, knock down mail boxes, and even... god forbid... DO DRUGS. not hardcore, just weed. I've never done it before. I'm feeling extremely rebellious right now, which is kind of scaring me, but it's also oddly revitalizing.
I'm thinking of setting new goals and incorporate these into the goals. I don't have a scale right now, so I'll have to wait a couple days and sneak out and get one. Who knows, maybe I've already hit goal 1?
105: haircut...side bangs, choppy layers?
100: dye hair brown...if I still want to by then that is :/ (I'd really like to, but as I have such a unique...and apparently envied...natural hair colour, I'm terrified it won't come back 100%)
95: tattoo on hip...either stars or a funky heart. not sure if I want back or front though
90: belly button piercing
85: try weed. just once.
80: umm...happiness? chyeah right. Maybe I'll just settle for quitting my shitty job and getting an eyebrow piercing. I've always wanted one but we aren't allowed to have them where I work.
oh yeah, and the other day I told someone I'm 5'3.5"...which is understating (I thought I was 5'3.75"), and was told upright that I can't be taller than 5'2", 5'2.5" max. ugh I wish I had a tape measure here so I can find out for myself.
Wednesday, January 12, 2011
I'm fat.
That's all I have to say. I don't even care to write about how much I hate my lack of control or how I'm going to make a diet plan for the next 10 days.
It's useless because I'm a worthless piece of shit who deserves...well, nothing.
I fucking hate my life.
That is all. Peace out.
It's useless because I'm a worthless piece of shit who deserves...well, nothing.
I fucking hate my life.
That is all. Peace out.
Saturday, January 8, 2011
The nights are always the worst.
This morning, I woke up and, like every other morning this month, I looked in the mirror and wanted to be better. I imagined the girls I'd seen in pictures depicting anorexia and the girls who suffered from anorexia on Intervention that I watched a couple nights ago and realized I DON'T want to end up like that. It's not beautiful- it's sick. I looked at myself and saw potential for beauty- I mean, I acknowledged that I'm not completely unfortunate-looking- but I can be so beautiful, but that requires heading down a path that feels so impossible. But, after I eat my first meal, all I want is more food: chocolate, crackers, cheese, donuts, more, more, more! I can't stop myself. At some point, and I haven't figured out when this occurs, my mind clicks out of 'recovery-wanting' and back into self-loathing and wanting nothing but thinness and wanting to eat no food. I realize I suck at explaining it- but I myself haven't figured this out. So after I binge, I go in the shower and purge. Today, I broke down and started crying after I dry heaved a thousand times and coughed, and was only able to throw up probably around 1/3 cup or less of the food. Then, as I was spitting out the excess saliva, I saw blood and didn't know if it may have been from scratching my throat or if something tore, yet I was more worried about the food still in my stomach. I wanted, nay, I WANT it out. I stared down at my fat, disgusting blob of a body and HATED it. Just two months ago, my stomach was flat and my thighs ALMOST satisfactory. Now...just, no.
Then, my mom came into my room after my shower and I was SURE she heard me, because I wasn't able to keep the noise down. But I was so desperate I didn't care. I still don't know if she heard me. But I was in a really down mood and she just kept asking questions because she hasn't really seen me in a couple of days, and I'm off tomorrow to house-sit for my grandpa 1/2 an hour away for a week. But I was grumpy and hating myself that I just snapped at her whenever she tried to talk, and I saw the sad look in her eyes when she asked me if I'm okay and if she did something wrong. But I just snapped I'm tired and don't want a million questions and she went to her room. I'm pretty sure I made her cry. What is wrong with me? Why am I so horrible to people I love?
I don't only hate myself physically now, but I also just hate myself in general. I'm a horrible, mean, selfish, fat, ugly, disgusting, disgraceful slob.
I'm tired of hating myself at the end of every day. I've completely lost all sense of control over everything I eat, do, say to people, and even THINK.
It feels the only thing I can do to gain control is to not eat. Whether I want recovery or not, because I know that at the end of the day I'm just going to hate myself unless I've starved. So tomorrow I'm going to fight to be able to love myself again by NOT eating. I wish it didn't have to be that way, but unfortunately for me...it does.
Just remember: food does nothing for you but make you hate yourself. Why do you keep eating it? Think about how you feel while eating and after eating. Are you satisfied? No. Was it worth it? No. Fight your cravings: they're nothing. You can't let them control you.
If only my 3G cell phone wasn't broken so I could read this whenever I feel like eating and remind myself that despite what I try to convince myself, all it will lead to is guilt and pain and hate.
Also...my eyesight keeps getting worse and I keep getting headaches :( My glasses aren't working as great as they used to...and don't even get me started on my contacts :/
So, I'm getting up in 6 hours so peace out.
Then, my mom came into my room after my shower and I was SURE she heard me, because I wasn't able to keep the noise down. But I was so desperate I didn't care. I still don't know if she heard me. But I was in a really down mood and she just kept asking questions because she hasn't really seen me in a couple of days, and I'm off tomorrow to house-sit for my grandpa 1/2 an hour away for a week. But I was grumpy and hating myself that I just snapped at her whenever she tried to talk, and I saw the sad look in her eyes when she asked me if I'm okay and if she did something wrong. But I just snapped I'm tired and don't want a million questions and she went to her room. I'm pretty sure I made her cry. What is wrong with me? Why am I so horrible to people I love?
I don't only hate myself physically now, but I also just hate myself in general. I'm a horrible, mean, selfish, fat, ugly, disgusting, disgraceful slob.
I'm tired of hating myself at the end of every day. I've completely lost all sense of control over everything I eat, do, say to people, and even THINK.
It feels the only thing I can do to gain control is to not eat. Whether I want recovery or not, because I know that at the end of the day I'm just going to hate myself unless I've starved. So tomorrow I'm going to fight to be able to love myself again by NOT eating. I wish it didn't have to be that way, but unfortunately for me...it does.
Just remember: food does nothing for you but make you hate yourself. Why do you keep eating it? Think about how you feel while eating and after eating. Are you satisfied? No. Was it worth it? No. Fight your cravings: they're nothing. You can't let them control you.
If only my 3G cell phone wasn't broken so I could read this whenever I feel like eating and remind myself that despite what I try to convince myself, all it will lead to is guilt and pain and hate.
Also...my eyesight keeps getting worse and I keep getting headaches :( My glasses aren't working as great as they used to...and don't even get me started on my contacts :/
So, I'm getting up in 6 hours so peace out.
Friday, January 7, 2011
WARNING: TRIGGERING
I should be sleeping... I have to go to work in 7 hours :(
But I had to write when I came home from babysitting, because the last 2 months have been in the shitter.
WARNING, THIS IS TRIGGERING:Recently, I've been going through the same thing each day: I wake up, think: I think I'll attempt to eat healthy today, take my sad attempt at recovery, and by 3 pm I come home after eating a couple veggies at school and binge on chocolates. By 10 I'm sitting at my computer, feeling fat and disgusting and hating my stupid self and promising tomorrow will be better. Then, it's repeat.
Well, the other day was no different. When I came home I had like 2 dozen hershey's caramel kisses, a sandwich, tons of crackers, and a bowl of cereal, all within 20 minutes of coming home from work. So, when I took my shower, I looked down and hated what I saw and just wanted to curl into a ball. So I did. Then...I stuck my finger down my throat. Now, up until that point, I've tried countless desperate times to purge with no success and I had given up on the vomiting thing. But at that very low moment, I felt it just HAD to be out of me. So...somehow...I finally got something up. It felt...amazing. But I didn't know how I did it (with making only a tiny sound, too), so I tried again and figured I have to wiggle my finger a certain way...and gag a couple of times before... well... I vomited a total of 6 times in that shower. I'm lucky I stopped at six; I honestly just wanted to keep going.
So today, I came home and my dad and sister wanted to go to Montana's steakhouse for supper, so I ate a veggie burger and a couple of fries and went to the washroom to purge...BUT I COULDN'T DO IT! I wiggled my finger, moved it around, got very close, but nothing came out. I felt horrible. Well, my eyes were puffy and red and teary, but it was really dark in the washroom so I just waited in there for like 5 minutes before going back out, and my sister asked me if I'm all right (ahemm...no I'm not, thanks for asking.) And I was so paranoid they could see on my face what I was doing...or trying to do. Anyway, I came back to the table to find THE FRICKING DESSERT MENU... and then when they ordered this giant fucking cookie with ice cream and caramel sauce for us to share...they ate 3 bites and had me finish it! WHAT THE FUCK...
luckily, the meal gave me diarrhea so I don't feel as bad.
Anywhoo...I don't know what the point of this post was... basically I'm just informing the world that I'm currently pissed off that my body doesn't want to purge. :/
Well, I'mma go sleep now so peace out.
But I had to write when I came home from babysitting, because the last 2 months have been in the shitter.
WARNING, THIS IS TRIGGERING:Recently, I've been going through the same thing each day: I wake up, think: I think I'll attempt to eat healthy today, take my sad attempt at recovery, and by 3 pm I come home after eating a couple veggies at school and binge on chocolates. By 10 I'm sitting at my computer, feeling fat and disgusting and hating my stupid self and promising tomorrow will be better. Then, it's repeat.
Well, the other day was no different. When I came home I had like 2 dozen hershey's caramel kisses, a sandwich, tons of crackers, and a bowl of cereal, all within 20 minutes of coming home from work. So, when I took my shower, I looked down and hated what I saw and just wanted to curl into a ball. So I did. Then...I stuck my finger down my throat. Now, up until that point, I've tried countless desperate times to purge with no success and I had given up on the vomiting thing. But at that very low moment, I felt it just HAD to be out of me. So...somehow...I finally got something up. It felt...amazing. But I didn't know how I did it (with making only a tiny sound, too), so I tried again and figured I have to wiggle my finger a certain way...and gag a couple of times before... well... I vomited a total of 6 times in that shower. I'm lucky I stopped at six; I honestly just wanted to keep going.
So today, I came home and my dad and sister wanted to go to Montana's steakhouse for supper, so I ate a veggie burger and a couple of fries and went to the washroom to purge...BUT I COULDN'T DO IT! I wiggled my finger, moved it around, got very close, but nothing came out. I felt horrible. Well, my eyes were puffy and red and teary, but it was really dark in the washroom so I just waited in there for like 5 minutes before going back out, and my sister asked me if I'm all right (ahemm...no I'm not, thanks for asking.) And I was so paranoid they could see on my face what I was doing...or trying to do. Anyway, I came back to the table to find THE FRICKING DESSERT MENU... and then when they ordered this giant fucking cookie with ice cream and caramel sauce for us to share...they ate 3 bites and had me finish it! WHAT THE FUCK...
luckily, the meal gave me diarrhea so I don't feel as bad.
Anywhoo...I don't know what the point of this post was... basically I'm just informing the world that I'm currently pissed off that my body doesn't want to purge. :/
Well, I'mma go sleep now so peace out.
Sunday, January 2, 2011
ABC DAY 2 FAIL
I had a horrible migrane since 7 pm last night. So after being up in pain all night, feeling sick to my stomach and feeling like my head will explode, I got up at 11 am and ate to get rid of it. But I couldn't stop. The calorie limit today was 500, and I'm sure I'm up to 8-900. So I'm done eating for the day...at 1pm, which is really going to suck. Tomorrow's limit is 300, so I'll chop it down to 200.
Plan for tomorrow (since not having a plan is sure to lead to failure):
Breakfast: wake up at 6:30 and have 1 rice cake and 1 jello (40) and a cup of coffee
Lunch: 1 fruit bar (40)
Supper: salad (20)
snack: 19 crackers (100)
total: 200
tomorrow will be better
Plan for tomorrow (since not having a plan is sure to lead to failure):
Breakfast: wake up at 6:30 and have 1 rice cake and 1 jello (40) and a cup of coffee
Lunch: 1 fruit bar (40)
Supper: salad (20)
snack: 19 crackers (100)
total: 200
tomorrow will be better
Saturday, January 1, 2011
HAPPY NEW YEAR!
My resolutions for 2011:
1) LOSE WEIGHT: Get down to 80lbs by July, maybe 75 by 2012
2) Keep straight A's, keep scholarship
3) Be nicer to people. No gossiping, no being dramatic
4) Get closer to the family
5) Be more affectionate/spend more time with pets
6) Save money
7) Sleep more
8) Party more...have more fun!
9) put myself 'out there' more...take more risks...I pretty much live in a shell.
10) Give relationships a shot... don't spend next new year alone!
My cousin Jessie and I made a challenge to eat no junk food (EVER), and first who does owes the loser $20. I really hope this helps me with my ABC that I'm restarting today. Once a month, we're getting together and having a movie night where we can indulge in our month-long cravings, but that's it. Our families know about this, so they'll be our spies. This also gives me a reason to not eat in front of my family (and takes away the excuse of eating out, etc.)
I also helped her dye her hair tonight...now I'm kind of thinking I want to get the courage to try dying my hair brown by the end of the year. I've wanted to for so long, but I love my colour and I get so many compliments, and I'm afraid since it's so light and I want to dye it really dark, that it will never come back :/
Anywhoo... today...ABC day 1...
Jess wanted me to go over today and make a 'healthy' meal with her, but I was afraid that it would go over my daily calorie intake, and I couldn't tell her that. She doesn't know about this part of my life, andI'd like to keep it that way. Her father already tells me enough that I need to eat more... :/ So I just said it's my day off and I want to sleeeeep.
Well, I'm actually tired now...so peace out.
(soo excited for ABC!!)
1) LOSE WEIGHT: Get down to 80lbs by July, maybe 75 by 2012
2) Keep straight A's, keep scholarship
3) Be nicer to people. No gossiping, no being dramatic
4) Get closer to the family
5) Be more affectionate/spend more time with pets
6) Save money
7) Sleep more
8) Party more...have more fun!
9) put myself 'out there' more...take more risks...I pretty much live in a shell.
10) Give relationships a shot... don't spend next new year alone!
My cousin Jessie and I made a challenge to eat no junk food (EVER), and first who does owes the loser $20. I really hope this helps me with my ABC that I'm restarting today. Once a month, we're getting together and having a movie night where we can indulge in our month-long cravings, but that's it. Our families know about this, so they'll be our spies. This also gives me a reason to not eat in front of my family (and takes away the excuse of eating out, etc.)
I also helped her dye her hair tonight...now I'm kind of thinking I want to get the courage to try dying my hair brown by the end of the year. I've wanted to for so long, but I love my colour and I get so many compliments, and I'm afraid since it's so light and I want to dye it really dark, that it will never come back :/
Anywhoo... today...ABC day 1...
Jess wanted me to go over today and make a 'healthy' meal with her, but I was afraid that it would go over my daily calorie intake, and I couldn't tell her that. She doesn't know about this part of my life, andI'd like to keep it that way. Her father already tells me enough that I need to eat more... :/ So I just said it's my day off and I want to sleeeeep.
Well, I'm actually tired now...so peace out.
(soo excited for ABC!!)
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)