I started off good, but then I started feeling really sick, so because I'm in the middle of exams and summatives, I decided I needed the energy and I ate. And I ate. and I ate and I ate and I ate ate ate. It didn't help that there were parties all week, too.
Calories: uncountable.
ugh, I hate this feeling.
And more, I realized tonight that nothing I do will ever please my dad. I know I'm probably the best of his 4 kids in terms of staying out of trouble, but does he care? no. for some reason, he takes their side in the constant petty fights that happen and they work as a team to bring me down, make me powerless, and also make me feel so bad about myself to the point where I HATE looking in the mirror because I HATE myself. It doesn't matter that I've never smoked, never done drugs/alcohol, never skipped class, never screwed up my life like all the others in the family. It doesn't matter that I've won countless awards, kept a 96% average, and still don't have a police record. He's always going to find something to hate about me.
Well fuck him.
Will you like me if I'm perfect, daddy? Will you like it if I'm a dainty little princess, who exists of nothing but skin and bones with fair porcelain skin?
Fuck this, I'm moving in with mom.
Friday, June 11, 2010
Monday, June 7, 2010
Day 1 with the blog
Current stats:
Height: 5'3"
Weight: 105.6 (up 2lbs since yesterday :( )
HW: 126
LW: 95
I thought I was going to fast today, and I was doing really well until my brother asked me to make pizza for supper. I have the best pizza recipe ;)
Unfortunately, it was a huge pizza and my brother, being the dummy that he is, left 2 minutes before it was ready, so there I was with a huge pizza and nobody else. Just the steamy, cheesy, melth-watering pizza.
I am pizza's bitch.
There started the binge-frenzy, or what I thought would be.
After the pizza, I scarfed down three oreos and a glass of milk, but I stopped myself half way through a 100calorie thinsations bar.
I'm definitely getting better at this control thing.
Estimated calories for the day:
3 oreos: 180
1/2 thinsations: 50
~ 1/5 pizza (estimated): 400?
1 gummy: 10?
TOTAL: 640
I feel so gross right now. I think my stomach is ready to explode EVERYWHERE (yuck)!
I just want to finish all my homework and go for a nice long run. Hopefully I can finish soon, or else I'll have to get up early tomorrow to do it (as if that will happen). I really want to join a gym and get proper results.
PLAN FOR TOMORROW:
breakfast: none
lunch: 10 grapes (30 cals)
Supper: salad mix in fridge (15 cals)
Snack (if needed): yogurt (35 cals)
Total for day: 80 cals
exercise: 30 minutes jogging + 30 minutes at home strength training
Height: 5'3"
Weight: 105.6 (up 2lbs since yesterday :( )
HW: 126
LW: 95
I thought I was going to fast today, and I was doing really well until my brother asked me to make pizza for supper. I have the best pizza recipe ;)
Unfortunately, it was a huge pizza and my brother, being the dummy that he is, left 2 minutes before it was ready, so there I was with a huge pizza and nobody else. Just the steamy, cheesy, melth-watering pizza.
I am pizza's bitch.
There started the binge-frenzy, or what I thought would be.
After the pizza, I scarfed down three oreos and a glass of milk, but I stopped myself half way through a 100calorie thinsations bar.
I'm definitely getting better at this control thing.
Estimated calories for the day:
3 oreos: 180
1/2 thinsations: 50
~ 1/5 pizza (estimated): 400?
1 gummy: 10?
TOTAL: 640
I feel so gross right now. I think my stomach is ready to explode EVERYWHERE (yuck)!
I just want to finish all my homework and go for a nice long run. Hopefully I can finish soon, or else I'll have to get up early tomorrow to do it (as if that will happen). I really want to join a gym and get proper results.
PLAN FOR TOMORROW:
breakfast: none
lunch: 10 grapes (30 cals)
Supper: salad mix in fridge (15 cals)
Snack (if needed): yogurt (35 cals)
Total for day: 80 cals
exercise: 30 minutes jogging + 30 minutes at home strength training
Sunday, June 6, 2010
Motivation for the Mope
I've been dealing with the demon for over 4 years, and it never occured to me that there is a whole world of people in the same boat as me (sorry for the over-cliches).
I've seeked help from pro-ana sites before, but I never really cared much for blogs until recently. I guess I just got fed up of having this secret, so here I am, ready to share it with whoever out there wants to listen. I know you're out there.
I'm not really hoping to get any followers or anything, but just looking to vent about stuff. If anyone wants to listen or share posts, I promise to keep in touch (but no negative comments, please).
So, here's to my introduction:
I've been (undiagnosed) ED-NOS since grade 7, and I am now going into grade 12. I go through phases of fasting and bingeing, I still have my period, but I am underweight, so that's why I classify myself as ED-NOS. I'm starting this blog as a way of motivating myself further. I feel like if I post on this thingy, it may help me by finding a community and support.
To anyone out there 'wanting' to get an eating disorder, please just go buy a healthy lifestyle book. Once you're sucked into this dark world, it's hard to claw your way back out. As for me, I never really had a 'choice', per say. I've always been a perfectionist. It was never about being skinny for me, it was about seeking control. Recently, it's been worse with stupid high school/ family drama, and now I feel like this is all I have. I feel like it's personified into a nagging best friend; a strong love-hate relationship. It gives me a feeling of security and I don't feel so alone, especially knowing there's an online community of teens and young adults feeling the same way. On the other hand, as I retreat into this world, it shoves me into deep isolation from the bubbly world outside and I feel alienated from my friends. So, to make it short, if you aren't actually psychologically effed up, please leave now.
As to anyone else who wants to listen or to talk: I'm here.
I've seeked help from pro-ana sites before, but I never really cared much for blogs until recently. I guess I just got fed up of having this secret, so here I am, ready to share it with whoever out there wants to listen. I know you're out there.
I'm not really hoping to get any followers or anything, but just looking to vent about stuff. If anyone wants to listen or share posts, I promise to keep in touch (but no negative comments, please).
So, here's to my introduction:
I've been (undiagnosed) ED-NOS since grade 7, and I am now going into grade 12. I go through phases of fasting and bingeing, I still have my period, but I am underweight, so that's why I classify myself as ED-NOS. I'm starting this blog as a way of motivating myself further. I feel like if I post on this thingy, it may help me by finding a community and support.
To anyone out there 'wanting' to get an eating disorder, please just go buy a healthy lifestyle book. Once you're sucked into this dark world, it's hard to claw your way back out. As for me, I never really had a 'choice', per say. I've always been a perfectionist. It was never about being skinny for me, it was about seeking control. Recently, it's been worse with stupid high school/ family drama, and now I feel like this is all I have. I feel like it's personified into a nagging best friend; a strong love-hate relationship. It gives me a feeling of security and I don't feel so alone, especially knowing there's an online community of teens and young adults feeling the same way. On the other hand, as I retreat into this world, it shoves me into deep isolation from the bubbly world outside and I feel alienated from my friends. So, to make it short, if you aren't actually psychologically effed up, please leave now.
As to anyone else who wants to listen or to talk: I'm here.
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