Benoit Boulet.

I hope you're happy. I'm not a part of his life anymore because I'm not LIVING anymore.
Have a conscience yet? probably not.. you're a lifeless, careless piece of worthless shit.
I hope you choke and die.
Sincerely,
A dead girl.

Ultimatum: mine or his?

Zach and I broke up...then got back together and broke up again..
So now I'm left here..alone..don't really know where to go from here.
I kind of gave him an ultimatum..by midnight if he doesn't take me back, then I'm gone forever...
But I feel like that's more of an ultimatum for me..
I feel like if he takes me back, I'll be happy (or at least try) and I'll finally feel like I deserve the life I've always wanted...
But if not..well, it's back into this hole.
I guess my ultimatum is: Zach, a guy who loves me and just wants me to be happy..even if it means he isn't happy. Or depression and PT: a loveless pit where nobody cares and you are your own target. A deep hole that once you're in, it's nearly impossible to get out. I'm scared for that. I don't want that. And I hate that it took losing the only person I've ever cared about to realize that.
I pray to God I deserve to be happy. I pray to God I deserve Zach.
Please God..

My first PT post in almost a year...

So I posted a reply to a post about someone not wanting to recover, and not wishing for people to say "Get help..you'll feel better eventually". This is an excerpt of my reply, which I just wanted to post here because I got a lot out I've never been able to voice before. The main thing is the argument of 'You're selfish because you want to commit suicide', as well as how scary it actually is to live with depression and an ED. Well, here it is...

* * *

In the past four months I've had three suicide attempts and spent a week in a psych facility.. I don't eat because I simply just want to hurt myself that way. I don't want to be skinny or whatever... I just don't want to be here. I don't understand why other people can be so selfish as to say I'm selfish for not wanting to live every single day of the rest of my life in absolute misery. I have no control over my emotions. One simple thing sends me off the walls.. People don't understand how terrifying that is..that even when you're happy, you're scared because any moment your mind can bring you into a deep, dark hole and crush any positive emotions you may have previously possessed... And I'm the selfish one? They just want me here so they don't have to hurt for a week or whatever. They'll get over it.. I won't ever get over staying here.

--

One cut, two cuts, three cuts, four
the blood dripping down, I want more and more
Trace the scars, threaten the veins
Fuck it, I don't want this life anymore.

Starting new

I've been triggered.
Recovery was all right.. just wasn't for me.
I'm back bitches.
miss me?

because who gives two fucks...

update: the night of the last post I ingested over 9 g of acetominophen. The next day, my boyfriend took me to emerg where unfortunately they gave me this 'antidote' before any liver damage occurred. Spent like 3 or 4 days in the psychiatric inpatient unit. That place is a joke. They pretend they care if you actually get better and you pretend they actually helped you. You tell them what you want to hear and get out fast and revert to the same old moods and self-destruction.
current mood: who gives a f%&#

and right now, I don't give a fuck about me, my life, or anything else in it. I want to be done..
Unfortunately I've just said some rather nasty words to my 'caring' boyfriend and don't want to slip into paradise leaving him with that.
It would be nice if for once, the universe would let me just be happy.. and to stay happy if it would so inclined.
boys are asses. Fuck them (not literally..)
peac- aww who fucking gives a shit