Yes, it is a lame name. Yes, I did make it up. No, I will not likely succeed, but we'll try.
So basically I made up a diet that I may be able to stick to for a few days, since it's primarily made up of things that taste realllly good and are still on my safe list :)
So I called it the veggie cracker diet because...all you eat are fruits, veggies, and crackers.
Occasionally yogurt with the fruit if I'm out with friends...fruit and yogurt is the only healthy option.
So no more caloric beverages either. No more chips, chocolates, candies, dairy, veggie meats. Just good ol' fruit, veggies, and CRACKERS :) (saltine crackers...or any other looow calorie crackers available such as breton minis)
Yeah, we'll see. Right now my stomach is going off the wall and I'm craving chips like mad. Just gotta fight it though, it will pass.
I've already eaten a lot today... a whole pack of saltine crackers (which I'll have to make a limiting rule to...), a cinnamon raison bagel WITH BUTTER FML...ummm 5 timbits, and a berry smoothie. Just gotta count that, one second....
Tim Horton's portion: 860 fml...
crackers: 514 fml...
oh yeah.. and I had an iced tea. FACKKK 132
TOTAL: 1506 omfg. COW.
well, my fight's back. Going on PT for the first time in weeks.
And I'm moving in with my cousin who's waitlisted for treatment at an ED clinic... SHE'S FOURTEEN and has like no issues whatsover, and she gets help before me. Wow, I'm a bitch for being jealous. >:( Reason to hate myself more? I think so... :(
So yeah, PTing it up as we speak
Peace out everyone...
Thursday, March 24, 2011
Wednesday, March 23, 2011
I broke her.
I made my mother cry today.
It's just too stressfuly for me in every way possible right now, at this point in my life. She doesn't even know about the depression or ED, but she knows all the other stresses I constantly have in my life.
So yesterday I babysat for my brother and when he got home we had a nice, long chat about university, finances, my mother, and just life in general. It helped me realize just how screwy everything is and that there are SOME things I can change.
So today I talked to my mom about moving out and living my aunt until the end of the school year. We talked about it before when my aunt first gave me the option, but she had a panic attack and started crying, so I apologized for bringing it up and promised not to ever again...
well, recently with everything happening... i.e. school, work, university, having to pay for EVERYTHING myself, being depressed and stressed out, and not even having time for a social life... I finally realized something has to change. So my brother talked to me about bringing this up with my mom, which I was very afraid of.
*sigh* as I write this she's on the phone crying. I even cried when I was telling her. Finally she understood though and told me she didn't want me hurting myself for her...
Oh, the irony.
So I promised a few days ago I'd update my love life...
well, we're still not anywhere, but it's headed there...as soon as I get the time to :/ He's been much more affectionate toward me and we went out and it was good, so we'll see.
And I thought I'd share: I guess I'm bulimic now?
I hate this. I've been stressed and eating horrible foods. I don't think over 1000, but I still purge/attempt to purge pretty much everything I eat. I dunno. again, like before, I'm still in denial. But I have more bulimic tendencies.
Today, after talking to my mom, I felt so horrible that I took a shower just to purge and feel better... I hadn't even eaten anything. I just wanted to do it to get the high of having something come up. Unfortunately nothing did, but I did scratch my throat because the toothbrush wasn't working so I used my finger instead :/ Yuck.
Ugh, I fucking hate this.
Well, I have a stupid skype presentation to do, so peace. out.
It's just too stressfuly for me in every way possible right now, at this point in my life. She doesn't even know about the depression or ED, but she knows all the other stresses I constantly have in my life.
So yesterday I babysat for my brother and when he got home we had a nice, long chat about university, finances, my mother, and just life in general. It helped me realize just how screwy everything is and that there are SOME things I can change.
So today I talked to my mom about moving out and living my aunt until the end of the school year. We talked about it before when my aunt first gave me the option, but she had a panic attack and started crying, so I apologized for bringing it up and promised not to ever again...
well, recently with everything happening... i.e. school, work, university, having to pay for EVERYTHING myself, being depressed and stressed out, and not even having time for a social life... I finally realized something has to change. So my brother talked to me about bringing this up with my mom, which I was very afraid of.
*sigh* as I write this she's on the phone crying. I even cried when I was telling her. Finally she understood though and told me she didn't want me hurting myself for her...
Oh, the irony.
So I promised a few days ago I'd update my love life...
well, we're still not anywhere, but it's headed there...as soon as I get the time to :/ He's been much more affectionate toward me and we went out and it was good, so we'll see.
And I thought I'd share: I guess I'm bulimic now?
I hate this. I've been stressed and eating horrible foods. I don't think over 1000, but I still purge/attempt to purge pretty much everything I eat. I dunno. again, like before, I'm still in denial. But I have more bulimic tendencies.
Today, after talking to my mom, I felt so horrible that I took a shower just to purge and feel better... I hadn't even eaten anything. I just wanted to do it to get the high of having something come up. Unfortunately nothing did, but I did scratch my throat because the toothbrush wasn't working so I used my finger instead :/ Yuck.
Ugh, I fucking hate this.
Well, I have a stupid skype presentation to do, so peace. out.
Saturday, March 19, 2011
Why are guys so clueless?
I was texting this guy today and we were kind of play figthing over text and somehow we got on the subject of being happy (as in cheerful), and he told me he thought I was depressed.
:O
thanks? I thought my facade was rather good. Thanks for ruining what little self esteem I had left.
Also, I was talking to another guy about how stuffed I was after eating 1 1/2 slices of pizza (Which sadly, was true :( ) and he told me to puke it up and eat more....
wow. What is with guys and guessing my secrets tonight? I mean, I know they're probably kidding, but wow.
It's making me paranoid.
Oh yeah, and now I'm stressed over my university choice. I'll post more about that (and about what's happening in my love life) tomorrow, when I have more energy. Right now, I have to sleep.
Mad restricting tomorrow. Hopefully I'll feel better.
Kay, going to bed now, peace out.
:O
thanks? I thought my facade was rather good. Thanks for ruining what little self esteem I had left.
Also, I was talking to another guy about how stuffed I was after eating 1 1/2 slices of pizza (Which sadly, was true :( ) and he told me to puke it up and eat more....
wow. What is with guys and guessing my secrets tonight? I mean, I know they're probably kidding, but wow.
It's making me paranoid.
Oh yeah, and now I'm stressed over my university choice. I'll post more about that (and about what's happening in my love life) tomorrow, when I have more energy. Right now, I have to sleep.
Mad restricting tomorrow. Hopefully I'll feel better.
Kay, going to bed now, peace out.
Thursday, March 17, 2011
Relapse is a bitch.
Okay, so I know I never really 'recovered' per say, but I was eating more...well, a lot more. Maybe I was recovering?
But not any more.
I knew this would happen...the moment I stepped back on the scale...everything just crashed and burned.
I guess it serves me right for stuffing my face to avoid emotional shit rather than restricting. It's not much healthier, and I wasn't happier. Who was I trying to kid?
Okay, new plan. One meal a day? Low cal of course. Maybe invest in some meal replacements.
My jeans were tight today.
5 days of exercise a week.
110 lbs.
Hardcore exercising.
Rolls on my stomach.
Invest in a gym membership.
Double chin.
No treats.
LARD ASS.
Maybe one meal is too much?
fml.
But not any more.
I knew this would happen...the moment I stepped back on the scale...everything just crashed and burned.
I guess it serves me right for stuffing my face to avoid emotional shit rather than restricting. It's not much healthier, and I wasn't happier. Who was I trying to kid?
Okay, new plan. One meal a day? Low cal of course. Maybe invest in some meal replacements.
My jeans were tight today.
5 days of exercise a week.
110 lbs.
Hardcore exercising.
Rolls on my stomach.
Invest in a gym membership.
Double chin.
No treats.
LARD ASS.
Maybe one meal is too much?
fml.
Tuesday, March 15, 2011
I've been gone a while, haven't I?
haha..oops. It's been so busy at school. I literally haven't had the time to be depressed. Ugh.
Okay, so my marks at school have been suffering, my mom's been upset, and I obviously can't tell my teachers to cut me some slack because I'm so emotionally effed up and sleep deprived that I can't focus in school. So I've been getting help. Luckily, I caught it before my average dropped below a 90.
I didn't go out with Kyle again. He's asked, but it's just been too busy. I went out with another guy from work, what I thought was just hanging out but apparently he calls it a date :/ anywhoo we're just friends.
Then that Dylan guy that I knew from work a while ago who asked me out in September asked me out for Friday. I'm too tired of waiting for Kyle so I said yes.
Tomorrow I'm off to Hamilton for 2 days, checking out McMaster University and looking at a couple of apartments. Should be fun, we're staying in an expensive hotel and my cousin (who I'm really close to) is coming :)
She's actually sleeping right beside me right now, so I'm holding my laptop very awkwardly so she can't see.
Yeah, so I may be moving to Hamilton. I'm having difficulties choosing between McMaster's Life Sciences (which will set me back about 15000 a year, but the program looks sooo sickk!) or Ottawa's Health Sciences (which will only cost me about 2-3000 because of the scholarship they offered and I'd be staying at home). Basically I'm going to check them out and decide if they extra money is worth it.
Okay, so now to talk about the ED, which I haven't talked about for a while now. I don't even think I mentioned it in my last couple posts. Basically, when I came back from the Caribbean, I felt happy. I don't know if it was the travelling making me feel happy or what, but I just felt happy again, so I started eating. Then, that mood faded and I went back to being depressed, but I couldn't stop eating. Then, I got interested in healthy eating again so I did that for a while. Now, I'm feeling more stressed than ever and just overall depressed and emotionally and physically tired.
Well, I guess we all know what this means.
Welcome back, dark world of restricting.
xx Well, I have an early morning tomorrow, so peace out.
Okay, so my marks at school have been suffering, my mom's been upset, and I obviously can't tell my teachers to cut me some slack because I'm so emotionally effed up and sleep deprived that I can't focus in school. So I've been getting help. Luckily, I caught it before my average dropped below a 90.
I didn't go out with Kyle again. He's asked, but it's just been too busy. I went out with another guy from work, what I thought was just hanging out but apparently he calls it a date :/ anywhoo we're just friends.
Then that Dylan guy that I knew from work a while ago who asked me out in September asked me out for Friday. I'm too tired of waiting for Kyle so I said yes.
Tomorrow I'm off to Hamilton for 2 days, checking out McMaster University and looking at a couple of apartments. Should be fun, we're staying in an expensive hotel and my cousin (who I'm really close to) is coming :)
She's actually sleeping right beside me right now, so I'm holding my laptop very awkwardly so she can't see.
Yeah, so I may be moving to Hamilton. I'm having difficulties choosing between McMaster's Life Sciences (which will set me back about 15000 a year, but the program looks sooo sickk!) or Ottawa's Health Sciences (which will only cost me about 2-3000 because of the scholarship they offered and I'd be staying at home). Basically I'm going to check them out and decide if they extra money is worth it.
Okay, so now to talk about the ED, which I haven't talked about for a while now. I don't even think I mentioned it in my last couple posts. Basically, when I came back from the Caribbean, I felt happy. I don't know if it was the travelling making me feel happy or what, but I just felt happy again, so I started eating. Then, that mood faded and I went back to being depressed, but I couldn't stop eating. Then, I got interested in healthy eating again so I did that for a while. Now, I'm feeling more stressed than ever and just overall depressed and emotionally and physically tired.
Well, I guess we all know what this means.
Welcome back, dark world of restricting.
xx Well, I have an early morning tomorrow, so peace out.
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