Because I know you'll probably be reading this.. Here is my final attempt for you to understand why this all makes me get 'the way I do'..
When he convinced you to dump me, and later when I learned that he is the reason you did it, it confirmed to me every self-doubt and insecurity I ever had.. not only in my eyes, but in the eyes of the person who was supposed to love me unconditionally and promised just a few days before he'd be there for me and help me get through anything because he loved me. I truly felt, and still feel, unlovable, insane, and anything other negative word you could conjure up from 'lame' to 'a cold-hearted bitch'.
Even when we somehow managed to 'forget' that little problem... when Benoit said all those things..and I don't think you realize how powerful his words hit me.. you may have told him to stop, but you didn't stand up for me. I want you to know that everytime he called me a name or said that I was ruining your life, another part of me turned against myself. I honestly wanted to die every time I thought of him and what he said, because I believed him, and probably still do. And you still want to be friends with him, even though I've told you all this. That every time I hear his name, I get reminded of every horrible thing he's ever said to me and puts me back into some dark place where all I want to do is cease to exist. And you act like I'll get over it, because it's more important that you have this friend that you used to claim wasn't actually your friend, that you never could trust, and that you admit was not a nice person. So, how do you think that makes me feel? You never even tried to understand. You just say "it's not like that. It didn't happen like that.." or try to get me to prove what he said as though you don't believe it..when it all happened right in front of you. It's not that I don't forgive him, it's that I can't forget the things he said. It's you that I can't forgive. I can't forgive you for putting me through agonizing self-loathing so that you can have one more petty friend. I can't forgive you for chosing him over me, for rejecting me in the coldest manner possible, for being completely absent when it comes to me expressing my feelings. And now, for calling this expression of my feelings 'ridiculous.' Even though I may often have feelings of utter self-hate, I still think I deserve someone who wants the best for me mentally and emotionally. And the shit you put me through for benoit just isn't worth it.
You said you thought long and hard about it after he told you to dump me before you did. So, what about me is so horrible that you just had to go through with it?
This is my last favour to you. If I'm so horrible, there you go. You don't have to deal with me anymore.
Good. fucking. bye.
and good riddance.

I'm fucking tired of this.
What am I good for now, besides writing dramatic blog posts. Can someone tell me? No, because I don't have anyone anymore.
I push them all away because I'm fucking insane. And I don't blame them for not wanting to stick around. I'm truly a horrible, despicable person.
I hate myself, I hate my life. I really don't care about anyone or anything anymore.
I'm surprised I didn't see this coming..I've been acting fucked up and uncontrollable for a while now.
Well I'm fucking done. I never signed myself up for this life, so I'm signing myself out.
Having a strong urge to burn my skin right now. maybe just burn it all off. everything.
Seriously going crazy right now..
I guess this is it.

screw tomorrow,
it's happening tonight.

One day.
I give myself one day to find a reason to live.
A reason that, despite this black hole that surrounds me, makes me feels that there is a light at the end of the tunnel.
I thought I saw it once, but that was my delusion.
If I can't find something that makes me [relatively] happy on any given day.. i.e. tomorrow.. then what reason do I have to stay?
One day.
Midnight is my deadline.
Heh.. dead-line.. what sick humour I have.
Let tomorrow be the last day I feel sorrow, self-loathing, anxiety, depression.
Let tomorrow be the last day I feel the sun warm my body. Oh, spring...
Let tomorrow be the last day I will ever utter his name.
I'm tired of waiting to pull the trigger when the weapon is loaded right here.

You once said you'd love me forever.

You once promised me you'd never give up.
You once said I was worth it.

You once said we were perfect for each other.



But I've come to realize that they were all
just


lies.

I feel..

pathetic
stupid
foolish
heartless
uncaring
uncared for
worthless
weak
unlovable
wreckless
uncontrollable
pessimistic
fucked
fucked over
fucked up
played
fat
ugly
mean
rude
bitchy
insensitive
uncompassionate
hollow
unreliable
indignified
shallow
unworthy
unloved.
I guess the world eventually sees right through you.
time to smoke one anyway, screw school. screw expectations. screw everything.

Urges

I lost every part of me that I care about today. I realized that I am the worthless person I always thought myself to be..
I successfully destroyed my relationship, time to move on to myself.
Urges, oh the urges.
Urges to accidentally cut too deep.
Urges to not eat until the pain takes over.
Urges to work out until I pass out.
Urges to drink and smoke all the sorrows away.
Urges to cease to exist. Ohh, that's a nice one.
Which urge will I fulfill today?
Trick question.
All of them.

*** (From A Rose Amongst Thorns)
Abandoned :
1. To withdraw one's support or help from, especially in spite of duty, allegiance, or responsibility; desert: abandon a friend in trouble.
2. To give up by leaving or ceasing to operate or inhabit, especially as a result of danger or other impending threat: abandoned the ship.
3. To surrender one's claim to, right to, or interest in; give up entirely.
4. To cease trying to continue; desist from: abandoned the search for the missing girl.
5. To yield (oneself) completely, as to emotion.

**
"Sometimes I feel like I'm not... solid. I'm hollow. There's nothing behind my eyes. I'm a negative of a person. It's as if I never - -I never thought anything. I never wrote anything. I never felt anything."
"We're not even two people. Even before we met, we were just these two halves, walking around with big gaping holes in the shape like the other person. And when we found each other we were finally whole. And then it was as if we couldn't stand being happy so we ripped ourselves in half again."

Zach, if you're reading this, I want you to never come back to this site again. There's really no reason to. I seriously dislike you right now. Looking back on us makes me sad for how serious we thought we were, but we were just children pretending we knew what love is. This isn't love.

Sometimes, you have to let something die in order to grow.

I'm done hurting you, and I'm done being hurt. You were right, I'm stupid, irrational, insensitive, and uncaring. You do deserve better.

fuck this.

+.+

It's hard to just give in when your mind is screaming for you not to.
but, because I love him, I'm going to try harder..
I don't really know what will make me happy, but I know that his happiness means the world to me. As long as I can keep him happy, I have strength to keep fighting this.

I'm hungry.

I;m really high and i wanna remember these thoughts.
need to up fitness routine.. and lower cals.. sowie
well, i kind of got trigerred the other day and so my old habits flooded back.
new goal:115 2.5 weeks- haven't been weighed recently, will do later. around 120 lbs
ug: 100by may.
upping my 2 hours to 2.5 hours, then to 3 of fitness per day
downing calories down to 1000, then gradually decrease from there, hopefully 500 in weeks.
good luck.
xx
I'll leave with a reminder on how you actually feel so you don't lose focus:
food=anger, self resentment, guilt, sadness.. later, dispairity,
more = nothing. you're nothing.
I won't stop until I'm happy with myself and my life. or, until I die.
they're trying to control you,
but if you're going out,
you're going out in your own way.
make yourself appear so thin, fragile, and delicate as your soul.
xx

Christina Aguilera.
She's just fucking gorgeous.

Perfect abs,

Perfect thighs,

Perfect breasts,

just perfect.

ugh.