I'm not running back this time. Even if I did, it would only affirm my belief that I'm the only one who ever tries for this relationship. I refuse to do it. Especially because I know we'll only be right back here when the next episode comes along. I'm tired of being the only one who gives a damn. And if he comes back to me after tonight, I sure as hell hope I don't take him back. Anyone who just sits there and watches me crash and burn, without saying the one thing that he knows could stop it all, is worth nothing to me. Someone who can go out with friends while his girlfriend is freaking out, is nothing to me. Someone who can sleep soundly even though his girlfriend told him she doesn't want to see him ever again, is nothing to me. I'm done.

If...

If my depression didn't decide to come back out of nowhere, everything would be different.
If I didn't hastily lash out for virtually no reason, everything would be different.
If he could just realize when he needs to be there for me, and be here when I need him, everything would be different.
ugh.

FUCKYOU

It's true. He's stopped caring.
I've been going insane for the past 24 hours and he doesn't give a shit. Where is he? Who the fuck knows. Off enjoying his life. It really is better off without me.
Something funny? I didn't even smoke last night because of him, even though I wanted to so bad to get rid of everything negative in my head. But nope, I sat through the negative thoughts to please him.
And today I was so upset I couldn't even go to the gym. And where was he when I needed him? LOL LIKE I KNOW.
I give up. I'm done fucking caring. Go do what you want, Zach. Go fuck whoever you want, cuz I'm done giving a fuck. and fuck you.

Just another stupid blog post

Do you think some people just run out of caring?
Like, if you're with someone long enough, and it's a long, exhausting trek, eventually someone burns out and just can't care anymore.. even though they want to so bad.
Sometimes I feel like with all the shit I've put him through, he's already reached that point.
And sometimes, it feels like I don't even care..

I don't feel like me anymore.. Well, that's not exactly true. I don't know what 'me' is supposed to feel like anymore. I've been put through so many ups and downs, labels, problems..etcetcetc.. I just don't remember what it's like to have an identity. What is an identity? Is it what you do? What you say? What you think? They say it's who you are, but what do you do if you don't know who or what that is, either? Who am I?
The sad part is, I'm not even high right now. My sober mind feels as jumbled as a stoner's, and I don't know why. Is it because of the depression that has plagued my life for years? The ED that resurfaces long enough to ruin my life over and over again? Or could an almost too-serious-too-soon relationship be the cause? I would hesitate to blame it on the third idea, because the relationship is the last thing I would ever give up. But it scares me that what gives me the most happiness and assurance in this world, also makes me so confused and unaware of myself. Let's just say I'm scared.
What else? I don't even know if I'm better or not. I'm too.. neutral. I'm neither happy nor sad. Just..gray. I don't put myself down so harshly, but I never praise myself. I'm not happy with how my life is now, but I'm not despising it. It's confusing. The confusion and gray-feeling is almost enough to want to... well, let's just say I'm frustrated. 
Why though? At least I'm not trying to tear my hair out and hysterically crying on my floor, a sharp object in my hand. That was last year. I'm better than that now, right? But I can't say that this new feeling is much better. I'm still not happy, and I have this butterfly feeling in my gut that makes me want to burst myself open just so I can feeling something. Anything. I want to cut, but it's been so long. I want to ingest pills, but do I really want to die? I don't think I do, I just want to hurt myself. I want the butterflies in my stomach to die. I think it's anxiety. Well then, anxiety, I want you to die. I want to scream from the top of a roof-top. I don't know why. Maybe I need some extreme pleasure-seeking because the pleasure centers in my brain are fucked up because of the depression. I don't know how I'm feeling now, though, so let's just say I'm anxious.


I'm confused.


Fuck.

Lol i f i make it through this snight im not eating until im dead.
Dead, ♥

and stop with the scondescendgni tone. im fuckign tdone wtih it al.

people lie when they say it;;l get better. itd oesnt. so stop sayign it wuill. and stop sayign youll be ther efor me when you wont.

loll and they tried to convince me ai was normal.
but im as fucked as fucjked up gets.
lOL. just fucking lol.
sooo wrecked.

The problem with us is that I'm the only one who ever seems to not be able to sleep after a fight. I'm the only one, and always the first one, to admit it went to far and ask for you to come back.. and I'm the only one who has to wait for the other to get over this sick silent treatment and somehow decide that they want me back.. it's not fair.
I thought you'd come back, or at least text me. I thought if you loved me you would just come back, or better yet not leave at all, and tell me you loved me and that you'd do anything for me like you always say you would.
Yet you're sleeping like a baby right now on the night that was supposed to be ours together.
And I'm the one falling apart.
It really doesn't help your case to give me the silent treatment every time.
One day, maybe tomorrow, I'm going to realize that it shouldn't take you 'time' to realize you still love me. You should just know and shouldn't hesitate to make things right if you want it to work out.
Well, I've given up because I can't convince you anymore. Either you do or you don't.
And well, my darling,
you clearly do not.