ABC day 3...1/2

So today wasn't good. I was doing very well until my sister invited me over for her birthday...number 19, she's officially legal.
So as a birthday present, I told her I'd either give her 10 bucks or I'd DD for free tonight + free coffee and food at timmy's. She chose #2, so we went. I only got a coffee (yay) but when we went back to my dad's, there was a lot of food. I had 250 cals worth of chocolate and about 240 cals worth of chips...or more :( PLuuus we're going out for dinner, where I'm expected to have AT LEAST a slice of pizza. I would've been fine with that for today's calorie count (400), but nooo I HAD to have the chips and chocolates :(
So I don't know whether I should just count this day as a fail and move on to day four tomorrow, or redo this day tomorrow... ? or start all over, since I'm not far along? but then I'd have to end early for the cruise...
I'm thinking just fail. I allow myself two before having to start from day 1. so I have one left with 47 days to go...huh, real brilliant. Well, tomorrow I believe is only 300, and it's new year's eve, so I wanted to drink a little, and obviously I have to eat some food with the booze, too. That's a loooooot of calories :/ Maybe I'll just have a wine cooler and piece of toast? I don't know... :/
So anyway, I'm just not happy with myself. I might take away today and tomorrow's excesses from the next 3 days each. i.e. over by 400= 400 less everyday for 3-4 days? That sounds fair.
I hope my mommy finally bought me that elliptical.
Anywhooo I'mma go PT now, so peace out. ;)

a little fallback...

but I'm recovering from it.
So I've been bingeing like crazy for a week. Seriously. So close to my binge-free december...and I blew it :(
So...I gained OVER 10 pounds... ugh.
I'm up to 105ish... it's disgusting.
Today was my last binge. I've packed up all my sweets and Christmas chocolates and everything and I'm bringing them to my sister tomorrow. She lives at my dad's, so it's not like I can just go sneak some. Then, I'm fasting for 2-3 days, maybe more if I feel I can handle it. ABC starts saturday, but obviously it's okay to have no calories instead of the 500 or so allowed. Plus, if I break my fast, I'll be okay as long as I stay under the abc calorie limit.

EDIT: I was looking at the dates for ABC, and I might be going on a cruise on the last week...seriously, the cruise ends on the last day. So I think I'll start the abc tomorrow so I can have a couple days on the cruise to experiment with caribbean foods and stuff, obviously without going overboarrrrd...haha boat jokes.
I just feel so pumped right now. I feel like a child on Christmas eve, so close to opening my presents. I can't wait for tomorrow...to feel empty and in control again. I WILL do it this time. I HAVE to.
well, time for bed, so peace out.

Soo, yeah...

today was horrible. I ate like a pig...
at work we were doing 'creations'...and I just HAD to try them...
ugh, now I feel like a failure. I can't even get through ONE day.

So I went on the scale today...
104...that's almost 10 pounds in a month.
I'm more motivated than ever to get that number back down. IT WILL go down.
I'm not eating until it's 92. Well, not eating much. I can't wait until the first so I can start ABC :)
Well, I'm tired so peace out :)

Christmas week

So after that thing with my dad, I had started eating just to make it less suspicious. Well, he stopped saying things for a while so I figured I was in the safe.... but then I realized I couldn't stop eating! I completely lost control, so this week I'm getting it back. I joined a diet that someone on PT made:
Mon 20/12: Only fruit and veg

Tue 21/12: Only liquids

Wed 22/12: 300cals or less

Thu 23/12: 500cals or less with work out

Fri 24/12: Fast

Sat 25 CHRISTMAS

But on the 24th,I'm doing my Christmas baking for the famjam, and I always sample so I don't give them crap...so I'm going to say hopefully 100-200, but no more. I really don't want to indulge on Christmas, but we'll see. I may have one of my sister in law's homemade treats, and veggies and stuff with dinner. Hopefully I don't get suckered into having anything else. I'm planning on starting ABC again on the first of january, just to bring in the new year with a bang :)

Oh yeah, I got into my second choice university program! (first choice university) with a scholarship valued at $3000 per year, renewable for 4 years (total $12000) and up to $4000 for doing my studies in french immersion! I never really looked at the difference between my first choice program and my second choice one, but when I was talking to someone who knew them, I realize now that I like this one better. My first choice was biomedical science, which is competitive and really tough work, and all in sciences involving chem. bio. etc. whereas my second choice, health sciences, involves those AND psychology, and is less competitive and has less of a work load. And I learned that to get into medical school, they really don't care what work load you have, it's based on your average. So if you have a 93 in health sciences, it's still better than a 90 in biomed. It will be tough for me though because it's in french and I'm not bilingual...but I'm determined to become bilingual and this is the best way to do it!
Well, I'm tired and Christmas movies are on tv, so peace out :)

Nothing can bring me down right now :)

So today was pretty yucky...freezing cold, my drama exam didn't go so great... I'm extremely tired and it's going to be an all-nighter... ugh
BUT

I just found out two things, that each on their own make everything more than okay...but that I have BOTH just blows my mind...
1) I found out an excerpt of my second cappies show is getting published, which means I'm 2 for 2 for cappies, and have had 3 published works within the past month! Go me! (Maybe I should reconsider my career plan and go into writing? My gr. 10 English teacher tells me that every day...)
2) I GOT ACCEPTED TO UNIVERSITY! It wasn't my first choice, but it's the first decision I've gotten so far. I think it was the 3rd or 4th on my list, but after looking at my list again, it's more like 2nd or 3rd because it's close to home and has good scholarships...which means it'll be cheaper. My first choice is also close to home and has the same scholarships, but it's also more competitive. Right now, I've got a conditional acceptance into Health Sciences at Carleton University. I won't know what the 'conditions' are until I get the official letter; I only found out by logging into this site they gave me after applying where I can track my application and it said I've been accepted. I'll probably get more information tomorrow. I'm guessing it just means I have to finish the rest of the year with a certain average since we're not even half done.
I'm just so happy...well, now to work on my homework :(

I think he knows...

I was in the grocery store with my dad, and I was having an extreme chocolate craving (I think that dreaded time of the month is approaching). WEll, I've been at my dad's for a couple of days to avoid the junk food at mom's and surprise surprise...dad has even more now. Today I had a bag of chips, chocolate covered raisins, a shortbread cookie, and a lindor chocolate in junk food alone (I was also forced to eat grapes and toast, and willingly ate a 90 cal bar earlier). Anyway, we were at the grocery store because he wanted to buy supper, but I knew I was going to be eating chocolate and wanted to skip supper to counteract the calories, so I tried to negotiate by having grapes. But he persisted, so I said "fine, grapes and an apple" and he retaliated by saying "No. You are too skinny. What, have you been starving yourself? You're wasting away to nothing. Yet all I see you eat is junk food. So, no... you have to have something." Well, I just thought he was saying that because he's not used to having a skinny daughter, but it was really embarassing because my best friend's sleezebag of a love interest who goes to our school was standing behind us and I was mortified. Anywhoo, I eventually negotiated eating toast with peanut butter and jam and grapes for supper...

So just now I got on the computer to come write about how much of a pig I am, and as I'm typing it in the link comes up in the bar thingy that suggests previously viewed websites, which means I dumbly forgot to erase it from the history last time I used it and someone else has seen it. I'm. screwed. What if the comment he made in the grocery store was because of something he read on this? And starting tomorrow, I'm restricting like crazy again. I'm going to gain back the control. He's definitely going to notice that, and I don't know what to do. I've never had to hide any of this before...we are exactly a tight-knit family, so it's not hard to avoid eating without people noticing.
My head hurts...that's what I get for eating so much god damn chocolate... :(

Mission: restart

My stupid wireless keyboard is running out of batteries, so if something is spelled funny...don't blame me!
So this past week or so I've been stressing over work, school, and university application overloads, and as a result I've been turning TO food, rather than AWAY from it as usual. I've also been eating a lot when I'm with my mom, dad, and/or nephew(s)...probably some attempt to remind myself of the 'good old times' and bring comfort or something. Today I've had 2 mini cinnamon buns (240), an oatmeal raisin and a ginger molasses cookes (~360), crackers and cheese (180), 3 slices of pizza (?), and countless chips while watching Christmas movies with dad.
So, I'm at my dad's, so I have TWO working scales :)...but I'm way too afraid to check them. I KNOW I've gained AT LEAST five pounds. I'm disgusting. I'm huge. I'm a cow. Mooooooooo...fuck you.
So, it's time to restart. I was going to join the CKD, but the girl who posted it on PT gave up on it :( Oh well, I guess this allows me to make my own diet plan now, based on the one she made.
Monday-Friday:
Brekkie: 1 yogurt and 1/4 cup cucumber slices
Total: 40
Lunch: 15 grapes
Total: approx. 45
Supper: 1 apple
Total: 40-70
Total planned calories: 125-155

I will also allow an extra 100 calories per day, to a limit of 250.

Weekends will be similar, of course, but due to a different schedule and different foods available throughout the day (i.e. work in mornings), it may be a little flipped. Saturdays for the Christmas season will allow an extra 400 calories, but this will end Jan. 1.

So I also wanted to make some goals to motivate myself:
CW: ~100
Goal by Dec. 25: 96 lbs (bmi 16.6)
Jan. 2: 93 (16.1)
Jan. 16: 89 (15.4)
Jan. 30: 85 (14.7)
UGW: 80 by Feb. 14 (13.8)

This definitely seems do-able, so we'll see how it goes.

As promised...

new pics:





F**k I hate being sick :( I was going to start my fast today, but ended up eating a bunch of crackers (#%#^@$???) and a mini snack pack of low-cal brownies (100)
Looking at these pictures gives me some weird strength though. So...I guess we'll see...
my nephew is coming over. We're decorating the Christmas tree, then hopefully I'll be able to have a nap before I have to write my cappie's review. I wish I could afford to call in sick to work tomorrow :(
Note to world: If you live in the kanata area, DO NOT go to Mcdonald's for breakfast. Chances are, half the staff will be sick. They were all sick today and it's all the same crew. So, just a warning ;)
Well, legally blond is on, so peace out

recovery in the cards?

So I was sitting in math class, hating myself over having to leave two blank questions on the quiz because I haven't been focusing in class (too much thinking about calories consumed, calories to be consumed, and building the courage to say 'no' to the cookie jar when I get home...and not to mention late nights on PT and this (it's 1 am now...) And I thought: "Isn't the point of this all to strive for perfection? Well, my personal image of perfection is healthy, glowing, happy and being successful in school, all of which I am not achieving with the ED"
I mean, yeah, recovery sounds pretty fricking awesome...who wouldn't love to be able to eat out with friends without having to run to the bathroom to purge, or eat a family meal without fasting for five days afterward to make up for it?
But I just can't bring myself to it. I've got some kind of attachment to my ED now; it's a part of me, it IS me. It makes me feel secure and powerful.
And no matter what, I just can't bring myself over 100. I almost reached it today and freaked out.
So, I don't know, until I get the strength and courage to seek help....
I'll be here...
Just thought I'd let y'all know...


Oh yeah, and I'm going on a fast. I'd love to say I'm starting tomorrow, but I'm going out to dinner followed by a play with my cappies gang...and I'll be with one of them all day because of drama rehearsals so she'll notice I'm not eating. I may do the five bite thing tomorrow...or five 'nibbles'? hmm...possibilities... Anywhoo, I'll stay around 300 hopefully, then saturday I'll start my official fast. I'm going to try and make it last five days- liquids only. I'll allow low-cal soup once a day, but that's the only calorie intake. So, Wed at midnight I'll be done. That should allow me to do my Christmas baking for school and be able to sample so I'm not sending out disgusting treats.
Well, my eyes are drooping. Goodnight, lovelies.

the yo-yo effect

So this past week I've been really yo-yoing with my weight. down 4 one day up 7 the next :/ So I'm too scared to check the scale now. I fasted yesterday, but got sick during drama rehearsals today and ate two timbits that someone brought in (140). Then, because I had eaten junk food first thing and whenever that happens the whole day goes screwy.... I had 3 cookies and a chocolate milk at lunch, a bag of chips during spare, and then I got pop, chips, and donuts for the group for our after school rehearsal, so I had a donut, a bit of pop, and a couple handfuls of chips. Also, tonight was Ottawa University Information night at the university, so both my parents came with me...which was weird because I don't think we've been out together for years...at least not since the divorce. So, because I was caught up in having a long-lost family moment...I ate supper with them. I had a veggie sandwich on a whole wheat roll, three baby carrots, a yogurt cup, a few pieces of fruit and jello, and my dad also shoved 4 squares of chocolate and a few m&ms down my throat. When I got home I had crackers and cheese and a candy cane... ugh no wonder I was up today :// <I've also been having a hard time with thoughts about recovery. I mean, we all fantasize about the day we can just sit through a normal meal without agonizing over every second and regretting every bite, but today was different. I felt that I suddenly got a wave of longing for recovery. I mean, sure, it would be nice...if I didn't have to actually gain weight. I don't know what my problem is with high numbers...I don't actually want to be skinny. I think curves are fucking gorgeous... I saw a girl today who had the most amazing curves and was jealous of her body over all the skinny girls in the room. I've never wanted a body more. All I could think at that moment was "put down the grape and get a candy bar"...it was weird, total reversal of the normal voices I hear.... I swear I'm not crazy. But then 'ana' popped back in and put down the fork. I just can't explain it. It's scary to see the numbers go up though. With every half pound, I feel like the room should just implode on me. Maybe one day, I'll get over it. But today...just no. Not tomorrow either. Not for a very very long time.
So anyway, I got a lot of info on university tonight, and I found out I may be able to get acceptance between mid-december and march... fingers crossed for december though. That would be a load off my back. My admission average is 94.67, so that should be good enough to get into the first or second round admissions (rather than 3rd round which isn't until May). My scholarship admission is also 94.67....which is seriously less than .4% away from an extra $4000!!! I'm so frustrated right now! And I know it won't be higher until next semester because of stupid writer's craft, so I'm going to work my ass off until next June, because they'll offer the extra $4000 if I'm able to get it up. So I just finished narrowing my program choices. Right now I'm applying to 6 at 4 different universities (@ $40 per program to apply= $240 total...eek!) I'm going to build the courage to press submit on Saturday...it'll also give me time to get together the rest of the info and get my mom to approve the courses (since she's paying with her credit card for the applications, she said she wants to see them first). My friend already got an acceptance letter, and he sumbitted his on november 23 (I know, because I was sitting beside him when he did it). I hope mine goes through like that. My average is better than his, but the university that he got accepted to doesn't have very high standards. Maybe I should just apply there? haha...nope...
So tomorrow... let's say... 250?
I found out that I get to eat 765 calories a day to lose 2 lbs per week. However...that number scares me. So 250 tomorrow since friday won't be pleasant. I have drama rehearsals after school, followed by supper out with the cappies team, and then we're seeing willy wonka at a high school, where they fill us up with sweets so we'll give them good reviews...so I know that won't go very well.
So, tomorrow- 250:
brekkie? - umm...jello? (5)
lunch- pringles wheat stix (90)
after school- toast, no butter (70-80ish)
work- apples (40)
total: 215
yeah, that sounds nice :) plenty of food to keep me going, too

Yup. Winter's here.

You know how I know?
Because every year, right after the first snowfall, the teacher's think "oh, they won't be going outside anytime soon, so let's give them tonnes and tonnes of exciting homework to do instead!" And then I get super stressed out, have no time to even think about sleeping or eating...or even showering (yuck!), and with a combination of bad weather, lack of sleep, low energy, high blood pressure and heartrate as a result of stress, no food, and bad hygiene...I crash and burn and get horribly sick.
Yes, I'm sick. No, I can't take a sick day tomorrow :( Why? Because my drama teacher (AKA Satan) has scheduled our exam presentation for next wednesday. Since it's a group mark, I can't miss a rehearsal or else the whole group goes into panic mode and goes ballistic on me the next day... So yeah, that ain't happenin'....
Also, math is crazy right now. I'm already behind...and writer's craft is just...yeah, not even going to mention writer's craft.
My throat is so sore :( It's worse than usual...it came on suddenly while I was working today and now it hurts when I'm not even talking or anything. I'm also sore EVERYWHERE! All my muscles are in pain right now. I don't want to move even a centimetre.
On the bright side...I got my nails done on Saturday, so I have ONE thing that makes me feel better. I love hearing the click clack of the porcelain on the keyboard (:... even if it hurts my arms just to be typing. I had my work Christmas party yesterday... and I looked fucking hot ;) I had killer $130 heels, which, by the way, I surprised myself and walked like a pro the moment I put them on. I also had a gorgeous dark blue dress... maybe I'll post a pic. I did my makeup and hair all nice and I wore my contacts, so my work chums got a pleasant surprise I arrived stylishly 50 minutes late haha... I got so many compliments. My work uniform is like a size 12, and I'm pretty sure they gave me man pants (why do I think this? Because I could probably fit a minivan into the pockets...) so they all thought I was obese or something. maybe I'll post a picture? we'll see
So yeah, almost 1 am so I'll make this quick. I still have to check out PT as well.
So last week was my crazy restriction week, and I lost four pounds in four days :) BUT then my mom did one of her random "let's step on the scale together" i.e. "get on the fucking scale so I can see how anorexic you are" and flipped when she saw it was 94...so I've had forced calories for three days and I'm back up. At least now she's off my back because I said it was just because of the stress, and now I'm sick so I have an excuse not to eat. I'm doing a 60 hour fast... I started 40 minutes ago and I'm not eating until at least thursday at noon. Suck on that, mom. I feel like I've binged, but looking back, I know I haven't. Binge-free December is still a go!
Oh yeah, while I was shopping for a bra to go with my dress (open back....ugh!), I got fitted and found out I've been wearing the major wrong size for the past like, 3 years or so. I THOUGHT I was a 34 B or C, but then I found out my band size is 30 and, get this: my cup size is D- DD...!!??!? WHHATT!?? NOBODY carries 30D or 30DD...wtf am I supposed to do? That pisses me off. Maybe if I lose more I'll have normal sized boobs? God...no wonder I still weigh so much...it's all in my boobs!
Well, good night ladies. Hope your lives are going better than mine right now. :)

braces are auffff!

yay! It feels like a piece of my childhood has been ripped from my mouth though... I had them for seven years! Oh well, it feels so nice to be able to floss without effort again xD
So I stayed up until 5 am writing... then I accidentally slept in and called my dad to tell the school I have a doctor's appointment... hahaha...suckers.
So today wasn't bad. If I can trust my memory, I had a piece of toast (90ish), 1/2 a donut in drama class (130ish), pringles wheat stix (90) apple slices with chocolate sauce (80?), brownie bites (100) and smartpop popcorn(70). Total: not where I wanted it at 560. Can you notice the increase in chocolatey items? Yeah, I can feel that my period's on it's way. I hope it can wait another two days before showing up, though, because my work's formal christmas party on sunday and I don't want to worry about it there. I was reallly craving chocolate and salty foods all day... Yay me.
I was also very weak and tired. I don't know if it's the lack of food or the lack of sleep. Even my left hand is almost too tired to be typing. I'm going to bed soon, but I wanted to update first.
So, I stepped on the scale today.... four days after I made my goal, and I'm glad that I made it the whole four days... I lost four pounds! Incredible, I think I'll wait another two days before checking again. It seems I get more encouraged this way, but I was so anxious all week and I didn't like that feeling.
Anyway, tomorrow's Saturday. I don't want to gain any weight, especially since I'm one pound away from my goal weight! However, mom, jenna, and I are going for manicures and breakfast, so I know I'll be eating at least 400 at breakfast. Then, I promised myself the veggie burger (300ish) I've been craving all week. Then I'm babysitting my newphews, and their mom is leaving KD out. Do you know how many calories are in that stuff? More than I want. I may just have a few bites and let the boys eat the rest. Hopefully, I won't get a setback tomorrow.
Well, I'm tired, so goodnight world :)

Playwriting sucks balls :(

Gahh...oh procrastination :( I fricking hate writing plays now...we do it way too often in drama class and being the control freak of the group I always say I'll write it all. Well, now I have to write one for writer's craft... it's due tomorrow, not even started it. :( It's going to take me forever to do! Gahh I'm starting to hate this course.

So today was not so great. Still no bingeing, thank God :) But I had a cookie and a piece of cake that I hadn't planned on eating. I MUST be close to my period, because I've been craving chocolate like crazy.
So for brekkie I had 1/2 a granola bar and lunch the other half (90- I'm starting to like this routine :) )
supper- piece of toast with a bit of butter (90ish)
snack- another piece of toast (90ish)
Total: 270
BUT THEN I had to go and have a cookie when I was out with my sister. She paid me $10 to take her to the bank and drive to timmys and she insisted on buying me something. I thought maybe the cookie had the least calories? Yeah right... 250!! A bagel has only 10 more calories and is so much more filling! Well then, after I had the taste of chocolate, I only wanted more. Tonight was arts night at my school, so our drama class was performing. After that, we all met up and there were two big cakes- and one of them was chocolate... so I had a piece. Worst part is..it was grocery store made so I can't get a good calorie estimation. Basically, it was approx. 3x4 inches of chocolateyness with thick crappy store brand icing...wasn't even worth the calories. I'm guessing about 250? 300? I was going to throw it out after the first bite, but I didn't want to offend the person who brought it. I wish I could say that it was shoved into my mouth, but I can't. I ate it voluntarily, which makes me feel that much worse about it. :(
new total: 770 faaaaaack :(
And now I'm hungry, and want food...but have absolutely no more calories to spend on food today :(

What a week!

Wow, it's been really stressful these past few weeks! I have a million things going on at school and at work right now, and I can't even find the time to organize it all in my head!:/
So I'm going to attempt to here right now. Let's see....
- write play for writer's craft (due fri)
- Arts night- tomorrow
- work tonight 4-9 fri 5-11
- drama exam: ongoing until dec 15
- math quiz- today test- friday
- braces off friday!
- find out about car insurance, drivers ed certificate, and tickets to legally blonde
- figure out what programs to apply to for uni// some scholarship application deadlines are coming up
- math homework...which I'm really behind on
- work party sunday evening
- manicures with sister sat morning
- babysitting sat afternoon
- find time to SLEEP! I've had four hour nights for the past two weeks, and I can seriously sympathize with the "living dead" right now :/
- must find time to buy proper undergarments for work party dress, and shoes...and a haircut
...sorry my thought process was disturbed by a class that just walked into the library, and I thought I was about to be kicked out. Thank god though, I'm still here :)
but yeah, that's a lot of stuff and the list is likely going to get longer. That, and I spend way too much time on PT and writing meal plans and thinking about food. Well, that's life with an ED for you.
On the bright side... I'm done with driver's ed forever! Aaaand...my mom said she's pay for half the bill for the mirror of the car I hit, and my dad said he'd do the other half... However, that's all I'm getting for Christmas... a mirror for another person's car:( stupid people.

Okay, I think I can get through this week without crashing. Let's hope.
I foolishly made a challenge not to weigh myself until Friday. :/ This started two days ago, and right now I'm really hating this. I really want to stick it through though, because I know I'll be really upset with myself if I don't. But I'm really nervous about my weight. I don't know what I'll do if the numbers go up =S
Today I had 1/2 a granola bar for breakfast and the other half for lunch (90 total). I'll have a salad when I get to work and apple slices later on, for a daily total of 180. I may have butterless toast when I get home (70 or 80?), but we'll see.

ideas, ideas (:

Dont remember if I posted here about this yet, but here is my December plan:
- *binge free until 2011!*
- 100-300 calories tues-fri & sundays
- 800 on saturdays
- fast mondays

Theres more, but im on my phone at school and it, well sucks for typing

EDIT: okay, I'm in the library. I hate how PT is blocked here. I just want to go home and start posting! I was lucky and got the computer in the back corner, which is the only one guaranteed not to have anybody creep what you're doing. So here I am on my blog :)
So I SHOULD be doing homework, especially after the failure of a 'catch up day' yesterday... but I'm not. I should also be beautifying myself since my grad photos are being taken next period...but I'm not. Nope. Thought that instead I'd go on my blog and get in touch with the rest of the world...even if nobody is reading this. Oh well, makes me feel better :)
So I guess in about 1/2 hour I will go to the washroom and make myself gawwguss ;) Shouldn't take long ;) ;)
then after that...math class :( It's long and boring and just overall blows. I spend the whole period on my phone talking to other bored slackers and surfing PT and facebook. I can't post anything on PT from my phone for some reason though, so I have to go home and hopefully remember everything I wanted to say. I work at 5 today, and I should be home around 3:30, so that'll give me about an hour to go on PT, do a bit of homework, and get ready for work. I wish I had enough time to take a nap, too, but after being away for 3 days, I really need ma PeeTee :)

So today is the first official day of the above December plan. It's Monday, so I'm not eating today. It's going rather well, I'm just really dehydrated and I need to find some water ASAP! Other than that, I have a couple rumblies in my tummy and a faint headache, but it's going relatively well. I only work 3 hours, thank goodness, so I shouldn't be too bad at work. Then I expect to just go home and do homework and have a warm shower and go to BED :D Ohh, it feels so far away. I just want my bed RAIIGHT HERE RAIIGHT NOW. Sorry, I just say random things when I'm tired. And cold. Oh, so cold. :(
But overall, today is a pretty happy day :)

it's sunday...

my first sunday off in... three months I think. I woke up way too early because my mom's boyfriend was playing with his new nail gun and air compressor. I got to bed around 2:30 am and woke up just after 11:30. Not bad, I guess, but with all the sleep deprivation I've had lately I really needed at least an extra 4 hours :/
Oh well, it's 3 pm and I've already cleaned my room, my bathroom, started laundry, and put away all my new clothes. I was going to start my homework sometime within the next hour or so, and hopefully I'll be done by 8 pm. Work is having a movie night tonight, but I'm not going because I have way too much to do. I'm also going to go through all my receipts and plan out a budget since it's stressing me out that I have all this money going out and barely anything coming in in comparison.
Oh yeah, another thing I've done since waking up... eating.
I woke up this morning and since I've been eating loads of junk within the past three days, I felt like eating. At least I didn't eat junk... I had a grilled cheese sandwich, tomato soup, saltine crackers, and some pretzel sticks. My stomach feels so bloated and I hate this feeling.
It's easier for me to fast during the schoolweek, anyway. So I won't eat anything else today or tomorrow. I only work a dumb 3 hour shift tomorrow, so I shouldn't feel weak enough to have to eat. I believe I work 5 hours on Tuesday, so I may need to have an apple before work. Hopefully I won't eat any more than that. However, unfortunately for me, Wednesday is our school's cake auction. Every class raises money and sends two representatives to bid on cakes (using the money the class has raised...so if your class has more money you get the better cakes) Our class, incidently, has the most money right now. So we'll be getting at least two cakes and we'll be eating them in class on wednesday. ugh. I'm going to muster up the strength to not eat the cake, and if I do I'm going to have to learn how to purge before then. I need this week to go alright... I spent way too much on clothes and if I continue eating the way I have this weekend they will not fit by the end of the week. plus....I'm just revolting right now.
I'm really tired, so I may have a nap before doing homework and budgeting. I'm checking out PT users' blogs right now, so hopefully I'll gain strength from doing that.

EDIT: I checked the scale, and I haven't gained any weight at all... :/ that's so odd. Oh well, better safe than sorry. Still no more food.

DOUBLE EDIT: I'm working on creating a tumblr... It's http://minimize--me.tumblr.com/
I also changed the name of this blog to minimize--me.blogspot.com, just because I hated the 'fatfreeperfection' title.

shopping has consequences...

Ugh...just got back from 2 full days of shopping in/around Syracuse, NY. We left right after I finished work at 7 on thursday evening and only got back around 20 minutes ago. What a weekend. I went down with just over $200 cash in my wallet, but I ended up spending over $500... oopsies. At least I have a bunch of nice new clothes that should last a while.
I'm celebrating the fact that I am now XS in all the stores, and 0 or 00 in most stores, with the exception of one pair of pants I had to buy in a size 1. Since they are mostly the smallest sizes available, even when I lose more weight soon, I'll be forced to wear them anyway (since there is honestly nothing smaller...)
BUT I did eat a hell of a lot of food this weekend. There was nothing open on thursday because of thanksgiving, and I hadn't eaten all day. I was forced to eat pre-packaged refined sugar and fat from a gas station, which probably totaled about 800 calories. Friday, I had two egg whites, two pieces of toast, hashbrowns, yogurt and strawberries, and chocolate milk from denny's for breakfast. I was able to skip lunch because we separated in the carousel centre, so I didn't have my mother breathing down my neck telling me to eat. However, we also got lost for two hours because my phone decided to stop working so I was panicking trying to find her. I spent $3 and countless attempts to reach her using a payphone, but she kept hanging up instead of waiting for the call to click into her phone... but we FINALLY found each other :) Then, we went to a diner, and I had a grilled cheese sandwhich, a few fries, and a couple of mozzerella sticks. At the hotel, I had an orange crush [ :( ], and a few of the leftover gas station snacks. Today, I had 3 mini donuts, hashbrowns, a blueberry muffin, a veggie burger from burger king, mcd's fries and snack sized mcflurry, and a starbucks nonfat caramel brule latte no whip...and probably gas station snacks too. I stupidly made this weekend an excuse to eat. I guess tomorrow's a fasting day. I was going to go to a work event- which was a movie night- but now I can see I'll just be tempted to indulge in the free snacks they're serving... so that's a no-go.
I was going to do my homework tonight so I could have tomorrow all free to myself, but I'm way to tired. I booked off the whole weekend, so I don't have to work tomorrow (yay!) I haven't had a single day off from work or school since...well, probably august. I think I'm going to check to see what I missed on PT in the last couple of days then sink into a deep sleep for the next 15 hours. (Oh, btw, I couldn't get internet anywhere, so I was facing major PT withdrawal symptoms yesterday).
Oh yeah, I also found out I'm out $550 for that car I hit last week. So in total, I'm down over $1000 bucks, without counting the trips, christmas presents, or legally blonde...I guess I may have to tell my friends I can't afford to go to the show :(

:D

I got published in the Ottawa Citizen today for a Cappies review I submitted (note: Cappies is a program for high schools around north america- each city has its own individual program. Each school participating in it- I believe in my city, it's 36- has a team of 6 Cappies critics- students who attend the other schools' plays and muscials and write reviews on them that have a chance to be published in the newspaper. At the end of the year, there is voting for nominees in different categories, much like the Academy Awards and there is a huge gala...). First play I attended since joining the team, and I didn't think the review was very well written. Well, I found out today that an excerpt of my review was published :)
That puts me in a good mood, despite my being bad and eating a nanaimo bar :(
So, for the day I've had:
breakfast: toast with cal-reduced butter (90ish)
lunch: none
after school: oatmeal (130)
work: apple slices (40)
total before the incident: 260ish...
plus the nanaimo bar, which is anywhere between 150 and 300 calories! I have no clue though- she bought it at the bakery down the street and they don't have labels on their food :/
ugh. I decided to fast tomorrow though. So we'll see.
I'm still too stoked to care about it though...

2nd allnighter in the past week =(

ugh. It's almost 1 am, only got home from work 1/2 hour ago. People are dumb. Fatasses, get outta mcdicks.

So, clearly I cannot be trusted alone on a computer when I'm supposed to be doing homework...It's been 45 minutes and I've been on PT and blogspot...ugh, so not getting sleep tonight. I'm going to shower after this post, then I'll do one last check on PT and start my homework. I just wanted to make sure I made a meal plan for tomorrow.

Today, I stopped at timmies on the way home and, like the fatass I am, got a donut, a cookie, and a french vanilla... :( So, cal count for the day is estimated at 1000, probably more. :( :( :( :(

Tomorrow will be better. I'll make a plan to be sure of it. I'll be way too busy and tired to eat, anyway.

Brekkie: 1 piece toast with a bit of cal-reduced butter (85)

Lunch: noneeee
At school- if needed: something from the machine, but only up to 80 cal serving
after school: 1/2 granola bar (45)
supper: apple slices (40)

Total for day: 170-250

Okay, time to shower. Peace out

:)

Yesterday was pretty good.
I skipped brekky, not good because it made me feel sick all day. After school, I had 1/2 a granola bar (45) to try to settle my stomach and heal my headache. At work, I had apple slices (40). However, I was feeling extremely sick at work. I was dizzy, lightheaded, my head was pounding, I thought I was going to throw up, and I was shaking uncontrollably, so they sent me home early. I got home and had a piece of toast with a bit of calorie-reduced butter (85). I'm not too happy about that, but I felt I had to :/
So total yesterday was 170.

Today is already a bit of a failure. My sister baked cookies at 2 am...I know, a little random lol. I didn't go to my first class because my head was still hurting, but I had to go to drama because we had dress rehearsals today, plus she said she was going to assign exams today and I didn't want to get stuck with a bad group. Anyway, when I got up, my sister was also up and told me about the cookies and gave me two. They looked so good that I gobbled them up. I don't even know what the calorie count in them is, which is freaking me out (let's just say 260) . Well, I also had a piece of toast with butter (85) for brekky and two baby carrots for lunch (8). I think I may have more apples at work (40) and maybe half a granola bar when I get home (45). Not a great day :(
Total so far: 350 ish
Expected total for day: 430 ish

I'm extremely stressed right now. I should be working on my math homework that I didn't do. I have it next period...eek.
I should also be working on a play that's due for writer's craft. It has to be good because my mark is really low, and it's going to hurt my chances of getting accepted to Biomed.
AND I have a play review due tomorrow... that's going to take me a while too.
Then, I'm going to have more math homework assigned next period, so I'll be really behind tonight. I work 5-11, I'll probably get home around 3:30, so I'll have an hour then to work on homework, but I'll probably end up on PT since I just found out it's been blocked at school. My phone broke, too, so I can't go on from there. :(
Oh yeah, I also got my uni pin to apply to university, so I'll be working on that too, luckily I have until January, though. AANNND leadership camp applications are due thursday, AAAAANNNNNDDDD a lot of scholarship applications are due within the next week. I'm working today and tomorrow 5-11, thursday 5-7, then I'm going to new york right after (so I may do some homework in the car) until saturday night. Lots of shopping, hoping I don't waste too much money though. Alot will be on Christmas prezzies. Sunday, I was hoping to have a relaxation day since I haven't had a single day off since June (and I mean that, work every weekend and 2-3 nights a week, plus school mon-fri). I'll try to get it all done before saturday, and I may stay up really late on saturday to do it, too. Ohh, I can't wait until this week is over...

Let this be a lesson to you...

I binged. I was weak and I binged.
Chocolate, pizza, cookies, pretzels, crackers, snack cakes...
And I couldn't purge. I was just about to finally get it up when I thought I heard my mom in my room, so I turned off the tap and wiped off my face, but then I heard her talking on the phone outside my room. After that, I was just so paranoid I couldn't do it. I gained 3 lbs on this binge. :(
So, I am going to write down everything I'm feeling right now, so in the future if I feel like bingeing, I'll read this and hope it discourages me.

Put down the cookie, fatass
It's not worth it. Look at at: sure it looks...chocolatey, moist, rich, sweet; everything you want right now. It looks innocent- it looks like it will give you comfort, right? But it won't. That cookie is just evil. It's luring you in with it's comforting smell, teases you with it's chocolate. You won't taste any of it, though. Not even if you *attempt* to eat it slowly. It will pass over your taste buds and go straight to your stomach, where it will sit and make you feel horrible for ages. It will remind you that you are indeed a failure and shouldn't even bother living. You'll try to purge, but nothing will come up because you're a failure at that, too. So it will sit in the stomach like a heavy brick, weighing you down and bringing the digits on the scale into the triple digits. Your hipbones will waste away under a layer of suffocating fat, and your chin- oh, your chin- will become nothing but a big blob of lard. All of this in a matter of moments. Trust me, I'm looking in the mirror right now. Your clothes will immediately feel smaller and you won't be able to breathe. You won't be able to do your homework because you'll be too busy crying over the stupid cookie and feeling your sides expand to fill the room. You'll sit in front of the computer, feeling sorry for yourself, making plans to fast when you know it won't happen because you are a
f a i l u r e .
So, was it worth it?

UGH :/

Today's not bad.
I'm definitely not drinking enough water though :/
I've only had a cup of coke zero and my daily glass of milk so far.
To eat, I had apple slices at work (40)
My stomach is going crazy right now, though. I may get some grapes or something for supper.
And... I have crazy cravings :( I read something on PT about someone craving cookies, and now I'M CRAVING COOKIES :( I also really want chocolate and cheese (mmm grilled cheese), and pizza and brownies and ice cream and toaster strudels and pop tarts and granola bars and ritz cheese crackers and cheetos... Good thing we only have the cheese and the cookies or a binge may be unavoidable. I'm feeling week, though, and I hope I don't go crazy any time soon
I'm extremely tired and have TONS of homework. SOOO not getting done.
On the bright side, I'm down a pound (yay!)
On the down side, I'm also down a lot of money. There was a storm on wednesday and I was at a play and in the parking lot when I was leaving, the wind blew my car door all the way open and broke the side mirror off the car beside me. They were really nice about it, but my dad just told me I may have to pay at least $100 to get it fixed, and on top of that there's christmas coming up, I'm going to see legally blond in december (tickets are $90 each, and I said I'd pay for a friend), I'm going to new york on thursday (there's ~$400), and again on a school trip in march (~$800), then there's leadership camp ($75), and finally...my sis wants to get manicures ($50)...also, I haven't paid my cell bill yet ($50) or my car insurance ($180). So that's ~$1835 out, and I only get about $300-400 bi-weekly :S That's about 3 months worth of pay, and on top of that I'll be constantly buying gas! Oh my god, I'll have no spending money at all :(
I HAVE to stop buying stuff...


EDIT: okay, today is gone. I had some pretzels and 1/2 a joe louis...I don't even like joe louises...ugh. My mom's also making tomato soup and grilled cheese and getting angry because I never eat supper with them. I think I'll eat some, then go have a nap before attempting to do my homework. I have no attention span anymore...It took me a minute just to write that last sentence because I forgot the words for "attention span"...ugh. Today is so..blah
Fast officially starts tomorrow. I WILL be 96 pounds by thursday. That's 2 pounds that I'm sure you could do. If you get to 95, then I'll be verrrry happy :)

FAST

I've been horrible. 1000 calorie days for the past 3 or 4 days :(
And I found out that my bmr is only 1300 :( I thought it was at least 1600, but apparently not :(
I'm going on a fast tomorrow until thursday.
RULES:
1. Every day: at least 8 glasses of water + 1 cup of green tea/1 piece of green tea gum
2. diet coke is allowed, but try not to drink too much!
3. Only calories can come from my daily 1 glass of milk AND apple slices or salad while I'm working. NO OTHER EXCEPTIONS
4. No getting caught again. Avoid home if necessary.
5. Fast starts tomorrow, the moment I wake up.
I feel like I'm forgetting something, but oh well. I I remember, I'll re-post

That'd better put me back on track :)

so i had a muffin from timmys (330) when i went out with friends.
i found out plans for tonight have changed, and were going to pizza hut, so ill check the menu during math.
ttyl, loves :)

This is why I don't eat...

Because I don't stop.
So my plan was to eat 200 calories today, and I was going to have salad and soup for supper, around 120.
Well, mom and I met at the mall (and my sister decided to come, too).
my sister kept complaining about being hungry, and I couldn't remember the last time I ate out with the family, so today I ate for comfort reasons.
At least I was stubborn and insisted we go to subway, where I had a 6 inch veggie sub on 9 grain wheat. Est. 254
Then I had 2 cookies... at 212 each :S
THEN I got home and ate: 3 mini candy bars (140), a bag of cheezies (150), a bag of chips (150), some pretzels (around 100?), and a piece of cheese (45).
oh.my.god.
during the day, I had a yogurt (35), grapes (30) and salad (25)
total for the day....991. :(
I don't consider it a binge, but I do consider it going much over what I wanted to..

Tomorrow won't be any easier. I'm going to a play at 7 with my drama class, but I'm also driving 3 of my friends. Today, they said that the plan was to meet at a restaurant where two of them work and have supper before going. Uhh...great. They actually DON'T serve salads... :/. They're famous for their burgers, and I know they use Yves' veggie burgers, which are 110 cals, and the bun would be about 120? and ketchup, lettuce, and tomato may be around 70? These are pure estimates. So my dinner would be around 300 calories, which is what I usually have in a whole day (well, I usually have less than that...)
This restaurant doesn't have any calorie information, so I don't know what other options would have less cals, but with the burgers I can at least estimate based on toppings. I can't stand not knowing how many calories ar ein the things I'm eating, so I'd rather do that. So I guess I'll eat about 1/2 a veggie burger with tomato, lettuce, and ketchup tomorrow, and nothing else. I'm trying to cancel out today's bad day. I weighed myself, and I didn't gain (thank god!) but it may be different by tomorrow.
Ugh, I hate having to go out for supper :( Thursday may end up being the same way since I'm going to midnight HP premier but I work 5-11 :/ Or...I'll just not eat :)

Today :/

So busy, so many things to talk about
First things first, my new analog scale is confusing me. It's been saying for two days now that I weigh 98 lbs, and the package said it accurate up to 2 lbs, so I got excited because I'm finally back into the double digits.
But now I'm at my dad's and stepped on his digital scale, and it said I'm 101.8 :/
ewww gross. So, I posted on PT to find out which is more accurate, but for now I'm just going to go for the middle and say I'm 100...
anywhoo, between PT and this blog, I noticed something: I forgot to clear the history last time I used my dad's computer...I'm really hoping nobody saw this stuff...
Okay, so today I made a rookie mistake...I forgot to count liquid calories...
So I was doing well, yogurt for breakfast (because I couldn't find a kettle to do the oatmeal and I hate microwave oatmeal): score, less calories anyway.
then I ate acouple of carrots, 1/2 piece of celery, and 15 grapes for lunch
but then I REALLY wanted something from starbucks, so I got a couple of friends and went during my spare...bad idea.
I got a grande caramel brule latte. Not even fat free no whip, just the regular whole milk kind... :/
AND...an oatmeal raisin cookie.
DEFINITELY underestimated the calorie count in both. I spent math class googling it on my phone and the average counts on the internet are at 400 calories in the latte and 350 in the cookie.. :/
So I'm not eating supper tonight, which sucks because I really wanted to try the reduced calorie vegetable soup :( Oh well, there's always tomorrow.. although tomorrow will be a big restriction day because of my blooper today. maybe I'll just skip lunch and have soup...shoot I just remembered mom wants to meet at the mall, and I KNOW she'll want to get supper there...subway, maybe? :/
I have to work in an hour...for an hour. One of my lucky friends/coworker's mom won tickets to an advanced screening of harry potter, but needed someone to take the first hour of his shift until his replacement came in, so I foolishly said I'd do it... :( craaaap I don't want to work. Guidance talked to us about university today, so now I'm in the mood to look up scholarship applications and program information, not WORK FOR ONE FRIGGIN HOUR... oh well, I can just do it when I get home, and then have an excuse not to eat.
So, I've gotta go if I want to get my homework done before work.
Stay beautiful, lovelies ♥

___
home, homework done, thoroughly relaxed, for once in a long time
I got home around 7 and looked at hotels with my mom- we're going to syracuse next thursday and shopping nonstop until saturday :)
I don't really want to spend much because my weight fluctuates way too much for the clothes to last. Plus, I'm not going to want to lose weight if I've spent $300 on new clothes... :/ I have yet to think of a plan, but when I see something I want, I buy it, especially from stores we don't have in Canada...
anywhoo, today was horrible. yogurt, carrots, celery, grapes, cookie from starbucks, latte, two or three tootsie rolls, and a small fry from mcds :( I'm so weak.
Tomorrow will be different. Tomorrow will be stronger.
Brekky: yogurt (35)
Lunch: fruit and veggies (~45?)
Supper: soup and salad (~120)
hopefully, I can avoid supper at the mall with mom tomorrow, but I know she's using it as a filler activity until she has coffee with my brother, so she'll probably want to eat before she meets him...and she doesn't like eating alone :/ Subway veggie subs are around 300 calories...way too much for one meal! I think there is a chinese place in the food court that serves salad, so we'll see.
Well, it's way past my bedtime, but I, being the PT/blogspot addict I am, could not go to bed without having one last post.
Stay beautiful, xx

Christmas is officially upon us

I should be worried right now, instead I feel stronger than ever.
Yesterday was our community's annual Santa Claus Parade (which I swear gets earlier every year) and I was stuck working around the corner from it so we got crazy busy....plus, nobody at work even KNEW it was happening until the mega-rush started, and we were down 3 people. So...yesterday sucked, and I had foolishly agreed to take an extra 3 hours.
Today was alright. When I got off at 1 I did some grocery shopping because we have no veggies or fruit. Last time I went, I bought so much junk food and it taunted me from the cupboard. Well, most of the junk is still in the cupboard but I've been extremely good at staying away from it. This time I decided to test myself. My original plan was to only stay in the fruits/veggies section, then walk beside the tills to get to the snack aisles to get cooking spray, brown sugar splenda, and crackers. When I got there, I wanted to see if I could make it through the bakery section without even touching anything. Oh, and they had some really good stuff today- cakes, cupcakes, cookies, croissants, CHRISTMAS treats! I looked, I drooled, but I did not touch. I walked right through and got only items I'm proud to have in my cupboard. I also got some jello cups (5 cals per cup ftw!) and pretzels (really tasty and low in cals), and I'm going to try the new campbells reduced calorie vegetable soup sometime soon (not tonight, because today I'm staying well under 100 cals).
So today, I've had a jello cup.
That is all.
I feel so freaking good right now!:) It's the first time in a long time I didn't get anything on my break...no apple slices, no salad, no junk! And I feel pumped for tomorrow. It should be an easy day, not much going on. My friend may want to go to timmy's in the morning when I pick her up for school, but I'll just say I already ate breakfast and get a tea or my daily milk or something. I'll pack some fruit for lunch (~40 cals worth), and then come home and have the soup and some salad (~120 together). I should probably have breakfast tomorrow...maybe some oatmeal with splenda brown sugar? I think that would be about 118 cals. (oatmeal=110?)
Anywhoo, it's occurred to me I haven't posted about the green tea gum I bought last week. This stuff is pretty good. It has a crisp peppermint taste and you can hardly notice it's green tea gum...until about 5 minutes into chewing. The package says you have to chew 1 piece for 15 minutes to be equal to a cup of green tea, but after about 5 minutes the taste suddenly turns aweful and it seemingly turns to mush and you can't chew it...and literally, this change occurs instantly so you have to run and spit it out. It also gives my tongue a faint green colour for about 20 minutes. But overall, being that I had low expectations for it in the first place, it's pretty good and I'll definitely keep it around.

Haha...oh, procrastination. I'm supposed to be writing yet another script for drama class so my partner and I can work on it together in one hour...so it's supposed to be done by 5:30...yeah...ain't gonna happen.

Meh

All I can say about today is that it was...mediocre. I didn't binge, but I also ate more calories than I wanted... :(
So I'm making many changes to my blog. I'm experimenting with templates, colours, sizes, etc, so for a while it will be unrecognizable. I'm thinking of switching to a winter theme until January/February, but for now I'll go with this bird theme. It seems fitting to the topic- birds are free, light, innocent, fragile, and peaceful. Everything I want to be; strive to be.
Plan for tomorrow:
apple slices (40)
That's it. Can you manage that, fatass?

I'm feeling particularly...blah today. Time to rant:
Despite the fact that the last part of my week went really well, I feel extremely frustrated with myself. I've got an annoying feeling in my stomach that I can't really explain. It feels kind of like a mix between being a kid staying up late to catch Santa, and sitting in class waiting for the teacher to call your name to present a project you really aren't prepared for. In a way, it feels exciting, but in another it's stressing me out and making my extremely uncomfortable. I wish I could explain it better, but I don't even know the real reason it's there. I can only guess that it's because I haven't lost any weight despite the fact that I've been really good these last few weeks. :(
I want it by Christmas.
I hate the way I'm living right now. I hate that I feel like I have no purpose, no reason to live. I hate waking up every day to dreariness and finding no passion for life the way I used to. I used to go through the day loving every moment- the people, the sights, finding beauty in everything. I'm still able to find the beauty in nature, yet it all seems irrelevant. It's sort of another thing I have problems describing- life just seems...meaningless, empty, dark...
I hate my life. And there's really no reason to. My grades are well above average, my friends are closer than they've ever been, my social life is active, I'm involved in things at school, my home life is finally starting to work out (as long as I don't talk to my siblings...). I'm supposed to be at a good place right now, but I'm just not... I just hate living. I've lost that spark.
And I want it all to just go away. I feel like I don't deserve any of it. I'm not good enough for this world. It's so tiring keeping up the cheerful charade - nobody even has a clue. What is the point?
The only thing I can do to fix any of it is by taking away food. I feel everything is out of control right now and all I can do to take hold of any of it is by depriving myself of things I always take for granted.
I want to die. I imagine it all the time- different ways I can do it. I'll be walking across the highway overpass and stop and look down at the heavy traffic. I could jump. I'll be in the shower and look at my razor, or even just in class holding a protractor. I could cut. Sometimes, when I'm driving, I fantasize getting into a car accident. It takes all my will not to just drive away, far away, find a cliff and drive off it.
So why am I still here?
Because someone once promised it would get better.
Because I can't do that to my mother...or my pets (weak.)
Because...I...am a coward.
Anorexia is beautiful. It is a slow, painful death. And it is beautiful.

So far so good :)

So today is a lot better. Ever since I learned why I'm actually craving (i.e. I want the food, not the actual taste of it), I've been able to gain control over my cravings. I haven't really had any strong ones today; any that I did have lasted about 5-10 minutes then subsided.
So far, I've had a yogurt (35) and a fruit salad (~35), and right now I'm sipping on my daily glass of milk. Total: 65.
I have to work 4-9 today..yuck! Let me tell you, working at mcdonald's is surprisingly motivating. I see all the disgusting raw products and see how they're made and how greasy it all is, and I see all the disgusting customers that come in- and we have many 'regulars' that come in on a daily basis and will stay anywhere between 1 and 4 hours!
I have so much to do though. I work until 9, won't get home until 10, have to work on a pairs project for tomorrow because we're meeting up when I'm done work at 1. I also have to write and hand in a Cappies review for Sunday, but because I'm working sunday morning and it has to be in by 10 am, I need to have it done by tomorrow night. Then, I have to edit my short story for writer's craft, do my math homework and study, and clean my bunny's cage, AND go grocery shopping because we have no damn veggies!....I'd also really appreciate a nap sometime in there.
Oh. fack. I just thought about my day tomorrow... I hate going to friends' houses for the whole day because then I'm faced with lots and lots of food. What. the. hell. And this one in particular really likes her sweets, and it's a wonder she's so skinny :/ I'm going to have to think about this while I'm at work.
So anyway, I've also planned to have some apple slices at work (40), bringing my total for the day to 105. never mind, I remember I ate a gummy bear (8.7 calories)
Therefore, new total is 113.7 :/

oh holy fudge.

I'm tired of periods.
Why can't it just leave me alone?
Is it bad that I was happy I had lost it for a while? Is it bad that I miss not having it?
Ugh, it's so heavy now. And irregular. I have a period calendar in my phone, basically, my last five periods started on: July 12 (my bday...:( ), august-missed, september 21, october 21, november 9...wtf.
And I feel like I make more excuses to eat because of the hormones or something. I realized when I was drooling over the thought of a triple chocolate muffin from timmy's, I didn't really care for the taste. To be honest, I don't really taste much of anything anymore, especially sweets. I just wanted it in my mouth...that's what she said.
And then I went on to realize, that when I binge on fatty foods, I actually don't like the tastes, so I'm not sure if I can technically say they're cravings, rather than my body just wanting tons of fats...if that makes any sense at all.
I'm really confused.
And my stupid friend brought me to mcds today. Or rather, I brought her so she could book off days (she works there), and then got food. She is...not small, but extremely health conscious, and whenever she eats around people she always feels compelled to talk about how fat she is and never finishes her food saying things like "okay, fatty, time to put the fork down". So obviously, she made me eat her food with her so she wouldn't eat it all...
So I ate over 1/2 her fries because the bitch didn't want them...
and probably 1/8 of her salad...
and 1/2 her fucking mcflurry with extra fucking toppings.
God, I'm such a fatass.
I'm done with this shit. No more excuses. Tomorrow, it's 100 calories.
Oh yeah, and I'm extremely tired from staying up late every night to go on PT and this blog... and I REALLY don't want to work tomorrow night :(

okay, I'll try to make a game plan, but we have no salad or carrots or anything healthy except yogurt and grapes... :/
and I don't know how good the grapes are...
Soo, if they're still good, I'll have 15 grapes (30)
apple slices at work (40)
and...something else I'm sure... probably nibbles of people's food at school.

Aaand, I had callbacks today, and I'm extremely frustrated with how I did it.
I was guaranteed consideration for two characters: Jean and Muriel. We're doing Plaza Suite, and there are three acts of three different scenarios with different groups of people. Muriel is one of the two leads in the second act, whereas Jean is more supporting in the first act. Either one I liked.
But I only read for Jean, even though I was 10x better at Muriel, and I know I kicked ass reading for her last week. I don't know why she didn't let me read for her.
I messed up the Jean part though. I went in and stumbled on the first line and put the wrong intonation on something, and I just had problems recovering after that. :(
So I know I won't be getting a part, which sucks because this is the last year of high school and I was really looking forward to this. My school is also in our city's Cappies program, so I would be eligible for awards and stuff too. I might help backstage, but it's never as fun as acting :(
and I know EXACTLY how I messed up and EXACTLY how I could have done it better. It frustrates me so much that this role was so close, and I effed up. And my closest friends are definitely going to get parts, so I'll have to deal with that...And one of them is verrry cocky because he's been in all the plays so far and received awards, etc.
God, I hate myself so fucking much.

On another note: I'll be writing love on my arms tomorrow for To Write Love On Her Arms day :)

headache

Head really hurts and i have to babysit two toddlers in a hotel tonight. I know im making excuses, but i just really have to eat something before my head explodes :/

Edit: okay, my head exploded.,just kidding. But something worse did happen.
I ate. Like a fucking pig.

2 or 3 mini candy bars, 15 grapes, yogurt, bag of chips, and grilled cheese with ketchup.
Note to self: kids make you stuff your face.

I also randomly got my period today. And its really heavy. And my chocolate cravings are so strong. Does the universe just want me to fail at everything?

Mmm the taste of success sure is sweet

Okay, so I added yogurt and liquid egg product to the safe foods list (since they are 35 and 30 calories per serving respectively).
Breakfast:
- yogurt (35)

Supper:
- 1/4 cup liquid egg (30)

snack:
- 1/2 apple (45)

Total: 110

I had to write an article for writer's craft today on the new principal. He hasn't been in the school all last week, so I had to interview him and get it in by the end of the day. I worked through lunch (yusss!) and even skipped math to do it (oopsies), but the crappy thing got done. Definitely not one of my finest works, and it really sucks that these are being published in the local paper...damnit. At least I feel happy that I finally stuck to the plan for once.
I also stopped at the drug store and bought a few things, like multivitamins and I found 'green tea gum' that I thought I'd give a try. Apparently chewing one piece for 15 minutes is like drinking one cup of green tea. I hope they taste good. The pack is like 5 bucks, and it says to chew two pieces three times a day, but then the pack would only last 2 days, so I'll keep drinking the green tea as well. I also bought some more splenda and a seventeen magazine to keep me youthful ;)

Last meal

ughhh second binge of the weekend.
God, I baked a cake and iced it when it was hot and ate a slice. I also had 1 veggie chicken breast, 2 toaster strudels, the equivalent of 2 small bags of chips, 1 croissant, 3 cookies, a full sized chocolate bar, an apple, ummm not really sure what else :/

So, I'm starting the fast tomorrow. Reminder: 100 calorie daily limit for the next MONTH. Eat as little as you possibly can for as long as you can before starting the 100 calorie rule. (With the exception of "important days" for which I'll need extra energy, which includes callbacks and the harry potter midnight release, which I'm going to in 3D :). These days, I'll add 100 calories MAX. These days DO NOT include work days.)
So, those 100 calories will come from safe foods only.
TRY TRY TRY to drink as much water a possible. Cut down on the diet soda, and also try to drink 1-3 cups of green tea a day, maybe try to develop a taste for coffee- flavoured with splenda french vanilla (0 calorie flavouring).
Let's please try to stick to it fatass. Oh yeah, and work on that purging thing.
AND DON'T. GET. CAUGHT.
We can't let what happened to Jessie happen to me. [Jessie is my cousin...some of her friends found out she's bulimic and cutting and told their moms, who told her mom and now everyone knows.] If I get caught, it's game over and back to the fat days. I can't let that happen.

Shit.

Have you ever weighed yourself before and after a binge?
2 pounds today.
2 fucking pounds.
I was so close to that stupid 1 pound goal. I wanted to be 99, I was 100. Then, I ate past the point of being bloated like a fucking blimp. I'm not at least 102. I tried purging, but again NOTHING CAME OUT. fuck.
Let this be a lesson (or two) learned:
1. Stick to the fucking plan
2. If you start, you won't be able to stop. So don't start.
3. Don't count on being able to purge, because that won't happen either.
4. Don't forget to bring your 'lunch' to work, or else you'll be even hungrier at home and eat and eat and eat.

No food tomorrow, fatass.

_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _
Finally home from work. I worked 8-2, then got called in 5-8. I ate AGAIN when I got home. two binge in one day, not able to purge once. fuck.
So, I decided to go on a long fast.
RULES:
1. No food
2. Water and fruit juices only
3. I'll allow up to 100 calories of fruit and/or veggies a day
4. The fast must last at least 2 days, but I'll go as long as I can
5. Thursday is callback day, so I'll allow an extra 100 calories to give me energy, but that is the ONLY exception

I just thought of a great incentive!
I'm going to New York in three weeks. Every pound I lose between now and then is $10 extra I'll allow myself to bring (counted at the end). However, if one day I go up a pound, I'll take $5 off the total (since this will be counted daily, I'll make it worth less since it may be more overall). I'll start at $200, and see where it gets.
Ugh, my stomach looks so disgusting now. It's no longer flat; it's convex and flabby looking. I can't even see my hip bones anymore. Fucking fatty.

Okay so far:
Yogurt (35)
Subway veggie sub (~300)
1 cherry blaster (15)

Total (350)

No more, please. I really have to stop going out at lunch, and stick to the plan.

On a happy note, my drama teacher told me my audition was amazing and i got a callback! :)
I cant screw this up next thursday. If i make it, ill fast for a day. If not, two days. :)
_ _ _ _ _
Home, finally.
So I got home, and being the dummy I am, I asked my mom to go on my scale to see if it's working, so she tells me to go on after, and I tried to make excuses but she goes "I want to see how anorexic you are"...obviously as a joke because she still doesn't know about me.
so then I go on and she sees the number and tells me I'm too skinny and have to gain some weight. So I was like "it's not my fault the number is low". So to prove it to her I went into the kitchen and poured a bowl of chips and ate them in front of her.
20 chips @ ~10 calories per chip = 200 calories I didn't want.
Now I have the taste in my mouth and I want more. I also want chocolate and cookies and croissants and crackers and cheese and toaster strudels.
fcuk. If this starts a binge I'll be pissed.
Also, why aren't I loosing weight!? It's frustrating me to no end. I've weighed the same for the past week, even though I've been eating tons less than usual. It sucks, I want to lose just one more pound and I'll be happy. That's why I'm scared about bingeing because I'm so close. :(

A few changes for tomorrow:
breakfast:
- yogurt (35)

Lunch:
- 15 grapes (30)
- apple slices (40)

Supper:
- 2 fried veggie bologna slices (40)
- 1 spray butter flavour (10)
- 1 slice bread (70)
- 1/4 cup egg substitute (30)
TOTAL: 255
And that's a pretty big supper so hopefully I can stick to this meal.

Not bad not bad

Today I woke up and had an 80 calories cheese pack for breakfast.
I packed my lunch, but didn't eat it because my friend brought me to pizza pizza. I didn't want to make her feel bad for going just for her, so I got a slice of cheese and ate one and a half (because they split one slice into two pieces, I ate one whole one and half of one). I don't know if the online calorie counters count that as one or two slices, so I'm going to say one and estimate the intake at around 330, so my total so far is 410.
It still feels really high, and my head and stomach hurts, so I may venture to the fridge and eat a little something. maybe a croissant (70), or a 100 calorie snack pack or something. It's at least low enough for me to be proud of. Anything over 600 makes me panic. And, the amazing thing is, I don't even feel like eating. I'm only going to do it to see if I can get rid of this headache I've had for two weeks. I hate that this is what it's come to, but whatever.

I also tried again, and failed again, to purge after eating the pizza. I don't know what's up with me :/

On the bright side, I measured my height, and realized I am actually 5'3.5", which puts my bmi at 17.4 with a weight of 100 lbs. I think a bmi of 16.4 would be nice. Almost there :)
I don't know why they say this is underweight. I definitely don't look underweight. (nor do I look anorexic, which is what they say 17.5 is) And that is not just my "distorted body image" talking.
Also, I had auditions today after school, and I think I owned them :) Yay! Callbacks get posted on monday..*fingers crossed*!
I really don't want to work tomorrow. :(


Anywhoo, game plan for tomorrow:
Breakfast:
- yogurt (35)

Lunch:
- salad (20)
- fruit (50)

Pre-work snack:
- cheese (80)

Supper (after work):
- croissant (70)
- 100 calorie granola bar
Total: 355

I'm going to make a plan for saturday in case I don't get to it tomorrow:
Breakfast:
- cheese (80)

Lunch:
- apple slices (40)
- fruit and yogurt parfait (130)

Supper:
- 2 fried vegetarian bologna slices (50)
- 1 piece of bread (70)

Total: 370

fffff

Today was bad. I had all that planned stuff, plus three bites of a friends pizza, a mini chocolate bar, 2 packs of rockets, a banana, 2 toaster streudals w icing, whole wheat dinner roll w butter, a few chunks of chocolate cake w icing, and a mcds small fry. Im at work now, so i cant count the calories. I tried and failed again at purging, sans sucess. Ill write more when i get home.

ADD:
Okay, finally home :) so tired, luckily no homework (yay!)
AND I found out I get a $450 paycheck tomorrow! Good timing, too, cuz my account is almost under $1000, which was freaking me out. I'm trying to build it back up to $3000, but it's going to be hard with the car and stuff. At least food should be good for a while >:)
Okay, so what I forgot to add was that for breakfast, I substituted the egg and cheese on my english muffin for peanut butter and vanilla blueberry jam, so that takes out a few calories, but not many. Today was horrible, and again I was left with an aching stomach. I've got to stop being so bad.
I'm not even going to depress myself with counting calories. Tomorrow is a new day, and I'm feeling the courage to make it count. (no pun intended.)

Okay, so the game plan for tomorrow:
breakfast:
- whole wheat english muffin (120)
- egg substitute [1/4 cup] (30)
- fat-free cheese slice (35)
Total breakfast: 185

Lunch:
(My friend just got her license so she wants to take us out. FML. I'll just pack a lunch anyway and tell her I forgot and don't want to waste the food. Unless we go to subway, cuz that's cool, too)
- salad (20)
- fruit (50)
- yogurt (35)
Total lunch: 105

Supper: (hopefully nothing, but I may just be forced to have something)
[IF NEEDED]
- 2 slices vegetarian bologna (40)

possible snack:
- 80 cal cheese pack

TOTAL FOR DAY: 330-410
eeffff It's so high :( I'd remove breakfast, but I've found I do better throughout the day when I have it. If only I could make the calorie count lower. Once the english muffins are gone, I can asssssuure you, it will be >:)

I also decided to not count liquid calories coming from milk and apple or orange juice. If I'm going to ruin my body, I may as well do it in the most healthy way possible. Although, that does not mean that I can consume all the calories I want. I'm thinking of making the liquid limit between 100 and 150 calories (especially to allow myself the milk, which I really need these days).

On a side note: We did a math test today and I did really well (well, I think I did). Totally boosted my confidence back up :)

There is a dragon in my stomach...

...and he is trying to claw his way out.
Seriously, it really hurts. I really shouldn't have pigged out so much. After the last post, I downed a bowl of chips before making supper- brown sugar glazed carrots and vegetarian tomato and basil chicken with salad and cookies for desert and 100calorie chocolate milk. Good one, Jodi.
all my favourites. all in my stomach, sitting not so peacefully.
I went to the bathroom right after supper, but oddly, I couldn't purge without making really loud noises and my mom was in the next room. So, I decided to have a second shower of the day so the shower would drown it out. [I also turned on the washing machine in the room next to her to drown me out.] However, I had my fingers down my throat for like, 5 minutes, but all that happened was excess saliva drooping from my mouth and a whole lot of coughing and tears. My stomach was also hurting before the fingers went down my mouth, and it hasn't stopped in the past hour and a half. That's what you get for starving yourself for 4 days and bingeing on well over 1000 calories in less than an hour.
So, sitting in the shower, crying and wishing so bad I had the courage to cut to try to release some of the pain, I realized that I'm not ready to move on. I mean, I said that from now on I'll be healthy, but I ate a pretty healthy supper and cried that it was in my stomach. Thinking back at today's calories, it CAN'T be over 1200, which IS healthy, and yet I hated myself more than ever and am in a lot of physical pain. I'm not sure if ABC is over for me yet, but even if it is, I'm definitely not letting myself have more than 300 calories. I do NOT want a repeat of today, because I've realized that 300 calorie days are easy for me(hence yesterday), whereas anything over that makes it impossible not to binge. Tomorrow is 100 calories, but I work for 6 hours so I'm really going to have problems with that. See, this is also a problem with the ABC, I happen to have long, crappy shifts on the days with the fewest calories. I'm going to count the calories I've made for lunch tomorrow and see if it'll suffice.
- salad [I'm not sure about the calorie count, but basically it has iceberg +romaine lettuce, cabbage, carrot slices, a slice of red pepper, a piece of cucumber- I looked at dole american blend for the first 4 ingredients calorie count, and I'll just add based on the pepper and cucumber] (~20)
- fruit [3 strawberries, a few raspberries, a few blueberries, and a couple of blackberries, and approx. 10 grapes... 12+5+5+5+30] (~57)
Total: 77
-silhouette yogurt pack (35)
- a cheese pack (80)
Total: 192

And I was going to have breakfast (for once lol):
- whole wheat english muffin (120)
- 1 slice fat-free cheese (35)
- 1/4 cup egg substitute (30)
Total for day= ~377
That's not that bad :)

Okay, it's 10:30, I'm tired, and I'm going to attempt to get some sleep despite the fact that the dragon STILL hasn't stopped ripping apart my stomach:(
GO TO SLEEP, DRAGON!

uhh...yeah

attempt 3 at ABC: failed
I had a sudden urge to start eating loads of veggies and healthy stuff, but when I started I started eating all the junk food, too.
Calorie count: uncounted.
woops.
And the worst part is I had to buy all the veggies and stuff with my own money (almost $100 worth), so there's no way I'm going to waste it.
I just felt really bad about a math tips today. I went in for help, but the teacher was busy helping her younger students (who, btw, don't even have a test or tips today, so it's unfair that she spent the time helping them). I felt so upset I basically declared ABC over.
Next time I start, I will have to get over these emotional instabilities.
I'll probably start again in a week or so, once all the perishables are gone. I don't care about the junk food- someone will eat them, and they don't expire, sooo...
Yeah, I just feel worthless right now. My math mark was supposed to save me from my writer's craft mark. I had a 97 going into this tips, and tips are worth A LOT of marks. Seriously, if I don't get a 97 or higher in this course, my chances of getting into the program I want go down the drain...let alone the scholarships I was going to apply for! :(
I fail at everything.


EDIT: I realize that makes it sound like I'm making excuses to binge- but no. I'm just postponing the ABC diet until I feel more into it (and get my grades back up). I'm still making sure I don't consume more than 500 calories/day. Today wasn't as bad as I made it sound. I had a few mini chocolate bars (3 or 4 I think), a package of ritz sandwich crackers, 2 packs of rockets, salad, carrots, veggie chicken, and a 100 cal granola bar. Total is probably around 500 somewhere, so it wasn't that bad. I also bought a scale for my bathroom today and I weighed myself half an hour ago (with clothes, I'll do it nuuuuude later) and I am 99 pounds :) I'm ecstatic that I'm back in the double digits. Depending on what bmi calculator I use, I'm basically around 17.4 (I got everywhere from 17.1-17.6)...Wow, I actually used 10 different calculators to figure it out...can you say OCD?

Yay!

I succeeded today!
- 100 calorie granola bar
- 1 piece of toast (85) + ~1/2 tsp butter (I'll say 15)
- 1 veggie chicken strip (47.5) + <1 tbsp ketchup (<15) + 1 spray butter flavour (10)
Total: 272.5
AND I didn't have to purge! :)
there were no eggs :( so that's why I randomly went with the veggie chicken.
I'm so proud of myself today. I was sitting in bed watching tv, tired (but not very hungry) when a damn reeses pieces commercial came on and reminded me of the massive load of halloween candy mom and her boyfriend bought and are now sitting in my kitchen, AND of the candy bar mom gave me- sitting on my nightstand, AND of the bag of chocolate and rockets sitting on my floor that I bought with my sister 2 weeks ago on a whim, AND of the other crap in the cupboard- like my favourite brand of cheezies (crunchy and thick...oooo), ah caramels, joe louies, brownies, orange dreamsicle ice cream (my favourite), butter cream icing and chocolate cake mix (also my favourite), pizza in the fridge, and ritz cheese sandwhich crackers...:(. I swear my mom just stocks the cupboard with all my favourite junk foods just to make me want to binge.I was so close to announcing a binge- you know when you want it so bad you even convince yourself that it'll just be this once, and you declare it guilt-free and say you can get back on track the next day? I don't know if anyone can relate, but I do that a lot and give in, but feel bad the moment food goes into my mouth (see, it's never guilt-free). I was home alone, so I swore I'd crack and end up purging. BUT I DIDN'T! I didn't binge! And I feel so good right now!! Yussss!

I'm going to the store tomorrow. I'm almost out of diet coke :( (I really shouldn't rely on that so much, it rots the teeth)
I'll also grab some egg substitute, salad, veggies, fruit, and any low cal snacks I can find.

Tomorrow is a 400 cal day. Plan:
- granola bar (100)
- 1 piece of bread, toasted, with 1/2 piece of kraft cheese slice (~115)
- 1/2 cup liquid egg whites or egg substitute (60) + 1 spray butter flavour (10)
total so far: 285
oof it's hard. There are way too many calories tomorrow :(
let's see, what could I have for 115 calories?oh yeah, I forgot to add some ketchup to the 'grilled cheese' (15), and maybe 1/2 tsp butter (15)
sooo that now comes to 315... I'll have 85 calories to play with. I may decide to have a mini candy bar, which are between 40 and 60 calories, depending on which one I decide to have.

Tomorrow's plan

I effed up a little today. I ate two extra mini bars (~120), so I'm pretty sure I went over, hopefully not by much. I hate that I couldn't purge. :(
I felt bad for a long time, but ultimately I felt relatively good that I stopped myself before it got too bad. My mom gave me a full sized chocolate bar (250 calories), and I have to find a way to dispose of it or hide it so I don't eat it. :/
Okay, so plan for tomorrow:
Tomorrow is a 300 calorie day-
let's see... 1 piece of bread (~85)
maybe a bit of butter (let's say 20)
either a granola bar or a pack of biscuits (100)
maybe 1 egg (75), or I may have 1/4 cup egg substitute while I'm at dad's (30)
Total for tomorrow: 235-280
Good, I'll have some wiggle room.:)
And I have full intentions of purging at school tomorrow after lunch, if I can get in the bathroom alone.

Halloween :)

Happy Halloween!
It's going pretty okay so far.
All I ended up having at work was a side salad (approx 35 cals worth)
BUUUT when I got home I had two mini candy bars (one was 40 the other was 60)
Total so far: 135
Today is a 500 cal day.
My mom keeps expecting me to eat the damn pizza in the fridge. Right now she's out, but said she'd be home in about 40 minutes. That gives me more than enough time to have a slice and purge by the time she gets home. I know I technically have enough calories for it, but I really don't want that crap staying in me.
It's almost 6, and we've had no trick or treaters :( Living in the bay is so lonely :(
On the bright side, double double toil and trouble is on tv. I love the young olsen twins...reminds me of the innocent, care-free days <333

ADDENDUM:
shit. mom got home 20 minutes earlier than she said she would. I was just downing the last piece when I heard...yes heard...the old truck coming up the road. As soon as I saw the lights, I ran for the bathroom to try to throw up, but couldn't get it out by the time I heard the footsteps on the porch, so now it's stuck in me. I walked into the hallway with teary eyes and blowing my nose so she'd think I just have a cold (bonus points: I was carrying the dirty dish).On the bright side, I thought ahead and saved enough calories for that slice. However, I feel really shitty with it sitting in my stomach. :(

Fuuuuck

Long story short: I am but a worthless, hideous, obese beast.
Last few months have been so stressful- too much homework, too many crappy shifts, not enough sleep. I was fortunate enough to have a rather long period of time in which I wasn't completely depressed. I had maybe a week and a half of an elevated mood, even. But I fell back into the depression sometime last week.
I don't know, maybe I'm just not fit for this world. Normal people don't write letters to themselves about how useless they are, or write letters to their parents for after their death, do they?
I've been emotionally and physically stressed. I just can't take it anymore. Worst week of my life. I've been working at mcd's (I know, worst place for an anorexic vegetarian) for 3 years, I tried to quit a year ago, but my boss begged me to say and said she was going to promote me. I learned this week that this douchebag who's only been there a year and a bit got promoted, and she hasn't even been preparing me for a promotion. This kid is also younger than me, and a total suck up. He already tries bossing me around, and now he thinks he has a reason to. Fuck this little dipshit. Today, I went to work (hungover...but I'll talk about that later) and she said I was employee of the month...woopdeefrickindoo. It honestly means nothing. Usually, the newbs get it as some kind of encouragement, so it's actually sort of like a slap in the face. Later, she caught me not using the fucking tongs to put down something, so I was just like "There are no tongs around, they need it right away, my hands are cleaned and I'll clean them right after, and it was only just this once" and she goes "I can't believe I just told you you're employee of the month and you go and do something like this." I should have said "So you should give it to someone who wants it then, like your precious Taylor (the dipshit-suckup)". Damn, I wish I said it. I swear to god I'm going to quit that place.
Anywhoo, I also learned this week that my younger cousin (she's in grade nine, and we're reallly close, we tell each other everything and I'm kind of like her mentor) is bulimic and cutting herself. her friends told their parents who told her parents, who told my mom who told me...yeah. Right now, she's still playing dumb. I kind of want to tell her about my anorexia/depression so that she can feel she relates to me and open up about herself, and maybe we can get through it together? I don't really know how to open that conversation up, though. "Oh hey, I'm anorexic. Got anything you want to share?" I'm worried about her.
On top of that, for some no apparent reason, guys keep falling for me...wtf. Don't they know I'm too fucked up to want a guy right now? Last month, the guy I liked for a long time finally asked me out, but then cancelled and never asked me again, meanwhile this other guy was trying to get me to see guy1 is an asshole and ask me out with him instead... I said no... last week, someone else asked me out and I said no, and now this other guy from work keeps trying to ask me out...thank god I'm so busy cuz he's too nice to turn down.
So, last night... I got waay too drunk. Are you an alcoholic if all you can think about for weeks is going to this halloween party so you can finally drink and feel better about everything? I hope not...
So I got there and immediately started drinking. I had about a mickey and a half of one of spiced rum and some sourpuss (which I never finished cuz someone took it), and countless sips of other people's stuff. I felt euphoric by 8 o'clock (I got there at 7:30), but it didn't feel strong enough so I kept downing drinks. I do remember being in a closet, almost in tears, talking to one of my guy friends (who is such a sweetie...he's mormon, if that means anything to you). He's been concerned about me since he saw me break down crying at school the other day. I told him I wanted to kill myself (which I CANNOT believe I did), and he said "If you killed yourself, I would die. Seriously." It was so heartbreaking. Why is it that a whole bunch of guys like me, but the ones I want to like me just don't. He likes someone else, who I just learned rejected him and he said he's moving on. I drunkly said to him last night "too bad I'm not your type" and he said "maybe one day..." Am I stupid to think that maybe he's starting to have feelings for me? I hope not. :( Part of me feels good to have shared something, but I'm worried what he'll say when I see him on Monday.
So, he tried to take away my drink because I was way so emotional, but I said no and attacked him to keep it. So he gave me water and tried to feed me bread (which of course being the dumbass drunk I am, I had to ask how many calories are in bread, then asked if I puked if they would all go away...) Anywhoo, needless to say I did puke- three times. I spent the last hour of the party on the floor with two rando guys telling me I'm okay, making sure I drank water and ate the bread, and holding a bag for me to puke in...and also making sure I stayed concious, which was really hard. I finally got home around 12:30 and passed out.
Getting up was torture. It hit me as soon as I stood, and work was horrible. I'm such a dummy that I posted on facebook that I won't be drinking for a long time, and one of my managers commented. (IDIOT!)
Yeah, so I work again tomorrow. Fuck. I slept from 5 till now, and I'm going to sleep again in about 10 mins. I just needed to rant to anyone who cares to listen.
Oh yeah, last thing- fuck.my.life. Seriously, I just want to kill myself and make everyone happier. No, honestly. I am such a bitch to everyone that they'd all be happier if I were gone. Sure, they'd be sad I'm dead, but they'd be over it in moments and go on to realize how great life truly is without me. I just can't do that to my mom, or my pets...(..wtf.?)
Okay, so I've started the ABC again. Day 1 was today. I had like 1/4 of a fruit and yogurt parfait at mcdonald's (which I counted as roughly 40 cals), a granola bar (100), and then I had a mini-binge on halloween candy...but since they were all really small and I honestly didn't have too much I think it's safe to say I stayed under the 500 limit today, but it was really close.
Mom ordered a pizza though. She orders me a small cheese (just for myself), since I'm vegetarian and all. She keeps coming into my room and asking me when I'm going to eat it. I was sleeping, so I just said I will when I wake up. I waited until she went to bed to get up and get on the computer. I have to figure out a way to dispose of the pizza (or at least just a slice in case she checks). I don't even have enough calories left for a few bites. I'm thinking of cutting it into pieces (and then the sauce and cheese crumbs will get all over the plate...score!) and wrap them in tissue paper and throw them in the garbage. Or maybe I'll just leave it for tonight and say I was way too tired to get up and eat. I can deal with it tomorrow. Who knows, maybe I can be a good little girl and actually have enough calories left over for 1/2 a piece.But then again, knowing me, once I started I wouldn't know how to stop myself.
Tomorrow is a 500 cal day. Since I work 8-4, I plan to have apple slices (40) and a side salad without onions and tomatoes (roughly 40) for a total of 80. If I ABSOLUTELY need to eat something else, I may either have more apples or mcdonaldland cookies(both 40 cals) = 120. If all goes according to plan, I may be able to snag 1/2 piece of pizza when I get home. Unfortunately, we ordered from a little restaurant in our tiny town so I have to estimate the calories for a slice to be about 250.
Well, hopefully tomorrow is going to be a better day.

:/

Since that last post, I've been doing a lot better. I can't explain it, but something clicked inside my brain for a moment and made me want to be normal and stop freaking out about food. I've been less critical and more accepting of my body, although I still dislike many parts of it and feel self conscious and fat. Luckily, I haven't gained any weight, though I fear a relapse the moment I gain 1 pound. I still can't get through a day without worrying that I'm eating too much or go over 800 without feeling like a fat ass, but it is a major improvement. I really need to work out more, though. My thighs are expanding... :/

It's a little better

Okay, so I'm doing a bit better now since Turbo passed away, as is Tibby. We both still really miss her. I kind of want to get another cat around her age because it feels so quiet and lonely now, but I feel it's too soon and I don't want to simply 'replace' her.
Mom cleaned up my bathroom over the weekend, which made me upset because the towels on the floor still had Turbo's body print on them from when she'd lie on them, and I could even still see her fur on them. I was sad because I wasn't quite ready to let go of her that way, and when I told mom I knew she felt guilty. Everyone knows how much I love my pets. My grief proves that I love them as much as I'd love a human being.
Well, my faith has been refound. I wish we had a bible to I could actually read it, but I'll have to find one maybe when I'm in town on Wednesday.
Also, my weight issues did not go away. Although I did find a bit of light about what types of bodies were realistic and what actually looks good, I still hate my body. I understand I'm not 'fat', but I know I could stand to lose a few. I signed up to go to the new water park, Calypso, with work on August 31. I have two weeks to get a slamming body. Me+ bathing suit= ?
I feel frustrated at home now. I feel bored. Just plain bored. Not from actually having nothing to do, because there are plenty of things to do. No, I'm bored of life. Have you ever been so bored of life that you actually constanstly feel frustrated? I don't know why I feel frustrated, or what I feel frustrated at/about, but I just know that I am. I don't know what to do, so I've been filling the void with food. Ick, not good. I've made some new goals so I can change my ways again:

lose 10 lbs by 1st day of school (sep 7)
stick to this routine:
breakfast- toast with a bit of jam, cereal, or fruit
lunch- salad
supper- protein + veggies + a whole grain on some days (ex: veggie chicken with whole grain rice and vegetable medley)
snacks: fruit, veggies, 90 cal special k bar
always have a glass of milk at some point throughout the day

Let's try not to fail this time, please.

I fail at this

Well, a tragedy has occurred over the past couple of days. I've decided to quit the ABC diet...well, just postpone it indefinitely. I'll still restrict, but I know I'll be bingeing a bit more because I've been more depressed than ever. I don't want the stress of not getting the calories I want on top of that. Well, I'll just post the journal entries I made while the internet was out after the storm. It's pretty long:

Wednesday August 4, 2010
10:35 pm

Mom came home from Petawawa earlier than she was supposed to. Actually, I was going to stay at dad’s for a night because I’m taking care of the boys tomorrow, but I ended up here because I heard some really bad news.
I guess the bad storm that hit today really affected C-Bay, and a tree branch slammed against my bedroom window. There was no damage, but it really freaked out my cats. We don’t know what happened, but my mom’s boyfriend came home to find one of them dead. Turbo. My Turbo. My baby. They guess that it scared her (she’s always afraid of thunder and loud noises- so it could have been the storm or it could have been the tree branch) and she had a heart attack. I actually hope that’s what happened, because then the pain would be minimized and she would have died instantly. My poor baby. I guess the fur on one side of her face was all matted from where my cat had licked her, knowing something was wrong. They’ve spent eight years together- I know they truly loved each other. They were inseparable.
When my mom told me, I burst into tears; I couldn’t move, I couldn’t speak, and now I don’t want to eat more than ever. I feel so sick right now. I was supposed to be there! I know that I may not have been able to save her- but what if? I was supposed to be home! I could have comforted her. I could have pet her, and she would know it was okay. Cats are smarter than we give them credit for, they have feelings.
Now I’m feeling guilty for everything- for not giving her enough attention, for moving her out here. She was a needy cat, really loved pets and attention, but I often didn’t give her enough loving because of something as silly as her fur that was a little bit greasy. Why was I so selfish? She should have been at dad’s. But no. I had to move them out here. She would be fine if she had stayed at dad’s. I can’t stop crying- she was everything to me and Tibby, and she was too young to die. She hadn’t had a lifetime of loving yet. Tibby was apparently under my bed the whole afternoon and only came out when I got home. He’s been laying with me since- I think he knows she’s dead. But it’s heartbreaking to see him shoot up every couple of minutes and look around- the way he does when he hears Turbo enter the room or when he hears her playing outside the door. My poor baby- as I was writing this, he lept up from where he was sleeping on my chest and his eyes darted to my door. He’s waiting for her. Here come more tears.
He’s alone now. We don’t know where Mio is- Shawn says she darted outside when he came home and she hasn’t come back yet. I haven’t heard her at the door either.
I’m just so glad Tibby and Boo are okay. I wish I can stay home with Tibby until I know he’ll be okay after the loss of his best friend- his soul mate. I know this sounds silly, but they are like children to me. I feel like I lost a part of me, and I’m worried about Tibby. I miss Turbo so much already. I couldn’t stand to see her body, so Shawn and mom are just going to burry her. I looked at a few of her pictures from facebook- I wish I could have held her when I had the chance. I didn’t even see her this morning. If I had known, I would have at least hugged her and pet her until my mom forced us apart. Tibby’s left my room now, probably searching for her again. I wish Mio would come home.
I’m sorry Turbo. I’m so so sorry.



Thursday, August-05-10 8:25 pm
Everything reminds me of her- the towels on the bathroom floor that she used to lie on, her fur still on most of them; my laptop’s power cord that she chewed; any patch of sunlight that enters the house, knowing she used to love to lie in it; the kitchen chairs that she’d sprawl across; my bed- her absolute favourite place, both on and under it; my clothes- she used to lie on them all the time, and I’d be annoyed to find her dark fur on all my clothes. And I bet if I go to dad’s and take the teddy bear off my fuzzy pink moon chair, and huge mass of her dark fur will be right in the fuzz of the chair. And all over my clothes on the floor in the closet. Oh what I’d give to have all that back. I didn’t love her enough. No, I didn’t show my love for her enough. I loved her all too much, which is the problem. Even my email and usernames remind me of her (tiiburbo= my two cats’ names, Tibby and Turbo). I don’t even have enough pictures of her. I’m now regretting not being there to bury her- it didn’t even occur to me that I would need it for closure and to say goodbye. I keep looking outside, thinking how cold it must be. I wish I had buried her in her favourite blanket and with some toys. I know this sounds completely crazy, but I haven’t accepted that she’s dead yet. I keep expecting her to start meowing her loud, annoying meow- the one that we all found utterly annoying, but I miss more than ever. I miss her running into my room the moment I come home and curling up with Tibby on my bed. I miss her being by my side wherever I go in the house. I didn’t want to bury her because I didn’t believe she was dead. Poor Tibby still hasn’t stopped looking for her. Mio came in earlier and starting meowing, and he jumped up and ran to her, but when he smelled her and realized it wasn’t Turbo, he came back, his head hung low. He hasn’t even left my side. My poor babies.
I didn’t think I would miss her this much. I cry probably five or six times a day. I keep imaging how she must have died. I worry that she was scared, lonely, and in pain. The neighbours said that when the branch hit the ground, the whole neighbourhood shook because it was so huge and actually came from across the street (which is about 100 feet away- so the wind would have been very strong). I worry that she was under my bed or something, and the shake startled her and she hit her head, or even worse- there are these stupid ornaments under my bed with very sharp parts to them, and I worry that she hit herself on one and cut herself and bleed to death. Mom did find some kind of dried stains on the floor beside the door that looked like blood. She was probably scared, in so much pain, and looking for someone to help her. WHY WASN’T I HERE? I’m so mad at myself for not being there and for moving them here in the first place; mad at Jenna for stealing my place at dad’s and forcing me here; mad at dad for nagging at me to take them here; mad at mom for having such an unsuitable house for the cats. My baby is dead because I just had to go and make a drama out of my life. WHY THE FUCK AM I SO SELFISH? I miss her so fucking much. I wish I had just pet her before I left on Wednesday. If only I had some kind of sign that she was okay up there. I read the rainbow poem about animals in the afterlife, playing with other animals’ spirits and waiting for their owners to come. It really makes me want to die sooner so I could be with her.
Since she passed, I’ve been more depressed than ever. What is the point to living if we’re all going to die anyway? I’ve always known that my pets were the only things keeping me alive. What happens when they all pass on? Who will keep me here then? What will stop me from finally ending it all? I don’t even think I’d stay here for my own mother. One thing is for sure: I have to make sure to live ‘sinlessly’ until I finally do die. I have to make sure that I do make it to heaven, if it does exist at all. I’m completely uncertain about it; I am not a religious person. Well, actually, I’m agnostic (unsure). But don’t I have to have true faith in order to make it to heaven? I don’t think God takes negotiations. I guess that means I have to do some soul searching. No more sins from now on. I think I’ll google sins, just to make sure I’m not sinning at all. I know that sounds juvenile, but I have to make sure I see my babies again one day.
If I starve myself to death, does it count as suicide?
I miss my baby. Tibby misses her too, and I miss the old days.
I’ll never stop loving you, Turbo.