There is a dragon in my stomach...

...and he is trying to claw his way out.
Seriously, it really hurts. I really shouldn't have pigged out so much. After the last post, I downed a bowl of chips before making supper- brown sugar glazed carrots and vegetarian tomato and basil chicken with salad and cookies for desert and 100calorie chocolate milk. Good one, Jodi.
all my favourites. all in my stomach, sitting not so peacefully.
I went to the bathroom right after supper, but oddly, I couldn't purge without making really loud noises and my mom was in the next room. So, I decided to have a second shower of the day so the shower would drown it out. [I also turned on the washing machine in the room next to her to drown me out.] However, I had my fingers down my throat for like, 5 minutes, but all that happened was excess saliva drooping from my mouth and a whole lot of coughing and tears. My stomach was also hurting before the fingers went down my mouth, and it hasn't stopped in the past hour and a half. That's what you get for starving yourself for 4 days and bingeing on well over 1000 calories in less than an hour.
So, sitting in the shower, crying and wishing so bad I had the courage to cut to try to release some of the pain, I realized that I'm not ready to move on. I mean, I said that from now on I'll be healthy, but I ate a pretty healthy supper and cried that it was in my stomach. Thinking back at today's calories, it CAN'T be over 1200, which IS healthy, and yet I hated myself more than ever and am in a lot of physical pain. I'm not sure if ABC is over for me yet, but even if it is, I'm definitely not letting myself have more than 300 calories. I do NOT want a repeat of today, because I've realized that 300 calorie days are easy for me(hence yesterday), whereas anything over that makes it impossible not to binge. Tomorrow is 100 calories, but I work for 6 hours so I'm really going to have problems with that. See, this is also a problem with the ABC, I happen to have long, crappy shifts on the days with the fewest calories. I'm going to count the calories I've made for lunch tomorrow and see if it'll suffice.
- salad [I'm not sure about the calorie count, but basically it has iceberg +romaine lettuce, cabbage, carrot slices, a slice of red pepper, a piece of cucumber- I looked at dole american blend for the first 4 ingredients calorie count, and I'll just add based on the pepper and cucumber] (~20)
- fruit [3 strawberries, a few raspberries, a few blueberries, and a couple of blackberries, and approx. 10 grapes... 12+5+5+5+30] (~57)
Total: 77
-silhouette yogurt pack (35)
- a cheese pack (80)
Total: 192

And I was going to have breakfast (for once lol):
- whole wheat english muffin (120)
- 1 slice fat-free cheese (35)
- 1/4 cup egg substitute (30)
Total for day= ~377
That's not that bad :)

Okay, it's 10:30, I'm tired, and I'm going to attempt to get some sleep despite the fact that the dragon STILL hasn't stopped ripping apart my stomach:(
GO TO SLEEP, DRAGON!