I'm tired of periods.
Why can't it just leave me alone?
Is it bad that I was happy I had lost it for a while? Is it bad that I miss not having it?
Ugh, it's so heavy now. And irregular. I have a period calendar in my phone, basically, my last five periods started on: July 12 (my bday...:( ), august-missed, september 21, october 21, november 9...wtf.
And I feel like I make more excuses to eat because of the hormones or something. I realized when I was drooling over the thought of a triple chocolate muffin from timmy's, I didn't really care for the taste. To be honest, I don't really taste much of anything anymore, especially sweets. I just wanted it in my mouth...that's what she said.
And then I went on to realize, that when I binge on fatty foods, I actually don't like the tastes, so I'm not sure if I can technically say they're cravings, rather than my body just wanting tons of fats...if that makes any sense at all.
I'm really confused.
And my stupid friend brought me to mcds today. Or rather, I brought her so she could book off days (she works there), and then got food. She is...not small, but extremely health conscious, and whenever she eats around people she always feels compelled to talk about how fat she is and never finishes her food saying things like "okay, fatty, time to put the fork down". So obviously, she made me eat her food with her so she wouldn't eat it all...
So I ate over 1/2 her fries because the bitch didn't want them...
and probably 1/8 of her salad...
and 1/2 her fucking mcflurry with extra fucking toppings.
God, I'm such a fatass.
I'm done with this shit. No more excuses. Tomorrow, it's 100 calories.
Oh yeah, and I'm extremely tired from staying up late every night to go on PT and this blog... and I REALLY don't want to work tomorrow night :(
okay, I'll try to make a game plan, but we have no salad or carrots or anything healthy except yogurt and grapes... :/
and I don't know how good the grapes are...
Soo, if they're still good, I'll have 15 grapes (30)
apple slices at work (40)
and...something else I'm sure... probably nibbles of people's food at school.
Aaand, I had callbacks today, and I'm extremely frustrated with how I did it.
I was guaranteed consideration for two characters: Jean and Muriel. We're doing Plaza Suite, and there are three acts of three different scenarios with different groups of people. Muriel is one of the two leads in the second act, whereas Jean is more supporting in the first act. Either one I liked.
But I only read for Jean, even though I was 10x better at Muriel, and I know I kicked ass reading for her last week. I don't know why she didn't let me read for her.
I messed up the Jean part though. I went in and stumbled on the first line and put the wrong intonation on something, and I just had problems recovering after that. :(
So I know I won't be getting a part, which sucks because this is the last year of high school and I was really looking forward to this. My school is also in our city's Cappies program, so I would be eligible for awards and stuff too. I might help backstage, but it's never as fun as acting :(
and I know EXACTLY how I messed up and EXACTLY how I could have done it better. It frustrates me so much that this role was so close, and I effed up. And my closest friends are definitely going to get parts, so I'll have to deal with that...And one of them is verrry cocky because he's been in all the plays so far and received awards, etc.
God, I hate myself so fucking much.
On another note: I'll be writing love on my arms tomorrow for To Write Love On Her Arms day :)
I like your blog a lot, I can feel for ya on eating other people's food too. I'm more of a I hate waste person.
ReplyDeleteCool on the TWLOHA day thing, I didn't even know there was one. I might write that on my arms for today, since I haven't actually cut in a good while, but I'll keep that to myself, since no one really knows. I'll write it on my right arm too since my left looks bad.
Thanks for the comment, love :)
ReplyDeleteAnd i totally understand the not wanting to waste food thing.im sure weve all been raised on the 'starving kids in africa' and 'when i was young we never had this and that' speeches. I feel too guilty wasting food, so i usually just avoid it all together.