Meh

All I can say about today is that it was...mediocre. I didn't binge, but I also ate more calories than I wanted... :(
So I'm making many changes to my blog. I'm experimenting with templates, colours, sizes, etc, so for a while it will be unrecognizable. I'm thinking of switching to a winter theme until January/February, but for now I'll go with this bird theme. It seems fitting to the topic- birds are free, light, innocent, fragile, and peaceful. Everything I want to be; strive to be.
Plan for tomorrow:
apple slices (40)
That's it. Can you manage that, fatass?

I'm feeling particularly...blah today. Time to rant:
Despite the fact that the last part of my week went really well, I feel extremely frustrated with myself. I've got an annoying feeling in my stomach that I can't really explain. It feels kind of like a mix between being a kid staying up late to catch Santa, and sitting in class waiting for the teacher to call your name to present a project you really aren't prepared for. In a way, it feels exciting, but in another it's stressing me out and making my extremely uncomfortable. I wish I could explain it better, but I don't even know the real reason it's there. I can only guess that it's because I haven't lost any weight despite the fact that I've been really good these last few weeks. :(
I want it by Christmas.
I hate the way I'm living right now. I hate that I feel like I have no purpose, no reason to live. I hate waking up every day to dreariness and finding no passion for life the way I used to. I used to go through the day loving every moment- the people, the sights, finding beauty in everything. I'm still able to find the beauty in nature, yet it all seems irrelevant. It's sort of another thing I have problems describing- life just seems...meaningless, empty, dark...
I hate my life. And there's really no reason to. My grades are well above average, my friends are closer than they've ever been, my social life is active, I'm involved in things at school, my home life is finally starting to work out (as long as I don't talk to my siblings...). I'm supposed to be at a good place right now, but I'm just not... I just hate living. I've lost that spark.
And I want it all to just go away. I feel like I don't deserve any of it. I'm not good enough for this world. It's so tiring keeping up the cheerful charade - nobody even has a clue. What is the point?
The only thing I can do to fix any of it is by taking away food. I feel everything is out of control right now and all I can do to take hold of any of it is by depriving myself of things I always take for granted.
I want to die. I imagine it all the time- different ways I can do it. I'll be walking across the highway overpass and stop and look down at the heavy traffic. I could jump. I'll be in the shower and look at my razor, or even just in class holding a protractor. I could cut. Sometimes, when I'm driving, I fantasize getting into a car accident. It takes all my will not to just drive away, far away, find a cliff and drive off it.
So why am I still here?
Because someone once promised it would get better.
Because I can't do that to my mother...or my pets (weak.)
Because...I...am a coward.
Anorexia is beautiful. It is a slow, painful death. And it is beautiful.