WARNING: TRIGGERING

I should be sleeping... I have to go to work in 7 hours :(
But I had to write when I came home from babysitting, because the last 2 months have been in the shitter.
WARNING, THIS IS TRIGGERING:Recently, I've been going through the same thing each day: I wake up, think: I think I'll attempt to eat healthy today, take my sad attempt at recovery, and by 3 pm I come home after eating a couple veggies at school and binge on chocolates. By 10 I'm sitting at my computer, feeling fat and disgusting and hating my stupid self and promising tomorrow will be better. Then, it's repeat.
Well, the other day was no different. When I came home I had like 2 dozen hershey's caramel kisses, a sandwich, tons of crackers, and a bowl of cereal, all within 20 minutes of coming home from work. So, when I took my shower, I looked down and hated what I saw and just wanted to curl into a ball. So I did. Then...I stuck my finger down my throat. Now, up until that point, I've tried countless desperate times to purge with no success and I had given up on the vomiting thing. But at that very low moment, I felt it just HAD to be out of me. So...somehow...I finally got something up. It felt...amazing. But I didn't know how I did it (with making only a tiny sound, too), so I tried again and figured I have to wiggle my finger a certain way...and gag a couple of times before... well... I vomited a total of 6 times in that shower. I'm lucky I stopped at six; I honestly just wanted to keep going.
So today, I came home and my dad and sister wanted to go to Montana's steakhouse for supper, so I ate a veggie burger and a couple of fries and went to the washroom to purge...BUT I COULDN'T DO IT! I wiggled my finger, moved it around, got very close, but nothing came out. I felt horrible. Well, my eyes were puffy and red and teary, but it was really dark in the washroom so I just waited in there for like 5 minutes before going back out, and my sister asked me if I'm all right (ahemm...no I'm not, thanks for asking.) And I was so paranoid they could see on my face what I was doing...or trying to do. Anyway, I came back to the table to find THE FRICKING DESSERT MENU... and then when they ordered this giant fucking cookie with ice cream and caramel sauce for us to share...they ate 3 bites and had me finish it! WHAT THE FUCK...
luckily, the meal gave me diarrhea so I don't feel as bad.
Anywhoo...I don't know what the point of this post was... basically I'm just informing the world that I'm currently pissed off that my body doesn't want to purge. :/
Well, I'mma go sleep now so peace out.