The nights are always the worst.

This morning, I woke up and, like every other morning this month, I looked in the mirror and wanted to be better. I imagined the girls I'd seen in pictures depicting anorexia and the girls who suffered from anorexia on Intervention that I watched a couple nights ago and realized I DON'T want to end up like that. It's not beautiful- it's sick. I looked at myself and saw potential for beauty- I mean, I acknowledged that I'm not completely unfortunate-looking- but I can be so beautiful, but that requires heading down a path that feels so impossible. But, after I eat my first meal, all I want is more food: chocolate, crackers, cheese, donuts, more, more, more! I can't stop myself. At some point, and I haven't figured out when this occurs, my mind clicks out of 'recovery-wanting' and back into self-loathing and wanting nothing but thinness and wanting to eat no food. I realize I suck at explaining it- but I myself haven't figured this out. So after I binge, I go in the shower and purge. Today, I broke down and started crying after I dry heaved a thousand times and coughed, and was only able to throw up probably around 1/3 cup or less of the food. Then, as I was spitting out the excess saliva, I saw blood and didn't know if it may have been from scratching my throat or if something tore, yet I was more worried about the food still in my stomach. I wanted, nay, I WANT it out. I stared down at my fat, disgusting blob of a body and HATED it. Just two months ago, my stomach was flat and my thighs ALMOST satisfactory. Now...just, no.
Then, my mom came into my room after my shower and I was SURE she heard me, because I wasn't able to keep the noise down. But I was so desperate I didn't care. I still don't know if she heard me. But I was in a really down mood and she just kept asking questions because she hasn't really seen me in a couple of days, and I'm off tomorrow to house-sit for my grandpa 1/2 an hour away for a week. But I was grumpy and hating myself that I just snapped at her whenever she tried to talk, and I saw the sad look in her eyes when she asked me if I'm okay and if she did something wrong. But I just snapped I'm tired and don't want a million questions and she went to her room. I'm pretty sure I made her cry. What is wrong with me? Why am I so horrible to people I love?
I don't only hate myself physically now, but I also just hate myself in general. I'm a horrible, mean, selfish, fat, ugly, disgusting, disgraceful slob.
I'm tired of hating myself at the end of every day. I've completely lost all sense of control over everything I eat, do, say to people, and even THINK.
It feels the only thing I can do to gain control is to not eat. Whether I want recovery or not, because I know that at the end of the day I'm just going to hate myself unless I've starved. So tomorrow I'm going to fight to be able to love myself again by NOT eating. I wish it didn't have to be that way, but unfortunately for me...it does.
Just remember: food does nothing for you but make you hate yourself. Why do you keep eating it? Think about how you feel while eating and after eating. Are you satisfied? No. Was it worth it? No. Fight your cravings: they're nothing. You can't let them control you.
If only my 3G cell phone wasn't broken so I could read this whenever I feel like eating and remind myself that despite what I try to convince myself, all it will lead to is guilt and pain and hate.
Also...my eyesight keeps getting worse and I keep getting headaches :( My glasses aren't working as great as they used to...and don't even get me started on my contacts :/
So, I'm getting up in 6 hours so peace out.