I want to be dead.

I just don't understand why I'm still living.
As far as I know, I'm incapable of loving and of being loved.
Seriously, I've tried so many times, and failed. Very few guys have ever liked me, and those who do seem to be exactly what I need in my life. They're smart, kind, sweet, really know how to care for a woman, have a purpose in life, etc (and some haven't been too bad looking ;) ) But I try and try and try to have even the tiniest feelings for them, but nothing. Therefore...I am incapable of loving.
People also don't like me. I guess it's because I don't like me, so that's the energy I have around me? That, or...I'm just a fucking loser. The only friends I have are just kind of 'fillers'. I know after high school, I'll never see them again.
So I'm destined to end up alone. The only person in this world that I care about is my mother.
To be 100% honest, the only reasons I'm still alive now are:
1) MY MUM. Could NOT do that to her.
2) My pets.
3) people always say: it gets better. Well I've been waiting for 6 fucking years.
4) I feel too young. Maybe life is better once I get out of school? Part of me wants to believe that #3 could be true.
5) I'm too chicken.

Tonight, I realized that I really have nothing to live for. I'd probably make the shittiest doctor on the planet and anything born from me will be destined to become as horrible as I am.
Tonight, I'm checking off number 5.
I'm not afraid anymore. I know there's nothing for me in this life. I'm not going to go with the instant route though. I want a long death, one that if I do suddenly change my mind, there's time to reverse it. I mean, this is SUICIDE we're talking about. Once life is gone, there ain't no getting it back. I don't want to kill myself based on my feelings on one night. Mine will takes weeks, maybe months, but it will be so beautiful.
I'm no longer starving myself for self-approval. I'm starving myself to die.
I'm done eating.