I'm fucked.

I'm sitting in bed, on PT and watching 'X-Weighted' on tv with my cat trying to climb on my stomach, but I keep pushing him away because then I can't see my laptop. :/

So on PT, there was a topic called "I remember a time..." where you post the things you remember before having an ED. It looked harmless, so I posted. Then, taking the walk down memory lane, it made me cry thinking about how long it's been since I could eat food without feeling major guilt and wanting to fucking kill myself. All the family moments we used to have that centred around food. I guess I started linking food with family, togetherness, and a time of innocence. And now, I feel like EVERYTHING in my life centres around FOOD. I'm missing out on so much, and a lot of it includes family. I don't eat family meals anymore. I go out to restaurants maybe once a month, if that (whereas we used to go two-three times a week). I can't sit down to watch a movie with my dad and sister because they always eat junk and I can't be around that. I hate that I've isolated myself from the people who mean the most to me all because of food.
And then there's the issue of friends. I was thinking recently about where we'll all go after graduation- who I'd still be friends with, who I wouldn't care to see anymore, who I'd let go- and I realized I only have one real friend. Everyone else I've decided is just 'temporary', a filler for a friend. This one friend, however, I don't even hang out with much and we still may end up going separate directions, but I want to keep her in my life so badly. We've been through a lot together and we always give each other pep talks when we're down. We try to hang out, but our plans always fall through. I really hope we can stay friends, but we'll see...
So anyway, I don't know what the point of this post is. I'm hungry, but I won't eat. I've got a can of coke zero and hunger pains and I keep thinking about going into the kitchen for fruit and crackers, but I don't want to. :/ See, every thought in my mind is about food.
FUCK, this is so fucked.
Well, I think I'm done with this post, so peace out.