the yo-yo effect

So this past week I've been really yo-yoing with my weight. down 4 one day up 7 the next :/ So I'm too scared to check the scale now. I fasted yesterday, but got sick during drama rehearsals today and ate two timbits that someone brought in (140). Then, because I had eaten junk food first thing and whenever that happens the whole day goes screwy.... I had 3 cookies and a chocolate milk at lunch, a bag of chips during spare, and then I got pop, chips, and donuts for the group for our after school rehearsal, so I had a donut, a bit of pop, and a couple handfuls of chips. Also, tonight was Ottawa University Information night at the university, so both my parents came with me...which was weird because I don't think we've been out together for years...at least not since the divorce. So, because I was caught up in having a long-lost family moment...I ate supper with them. I had a veggie sandwich on a whole wheat roll, three baby carrots, a yogurt cup, a few pieces of fruit and jello, and my dad also shoved 4 squares of chocolate and a few m&ms down my throat. When I got home I had crackers and cheese and a candy cane... ugh no wonder I was up today :// <I've also been having a hard time with thoughts about recovery. I mean, we all fantasize about the day we can just sit through a normal meal without agonizing over every second and regretting every bite, but today was different. I felt that I suddenly got a wave of longing for recovery. I mean, sure, it would be nice...if I didn't have to actually gain weight. I don't know what my problem is with high numbers...I don't actually want to be skinny. I think curves are fucking gorgeous... I saw a girl today who had the most amazing curves and was jealous of her body over all the skinny girls in the room. I've never wanted a body more. All I could think at that moment was "put down the grape and get a candy bar"...it was weird, total reversal of the normal voices I hear.... I swear I'm not crazy. But then 'ana' popped back in and put down the fork. I just can't explain it. It's scary to see the numbers go up though. With every half pound, I feel like the room should just implode on me. Maybe one day, I'll get over it. But today...just no. Not tomorrow either. Not for a very very long time.
So anyway, I got a lot of info on university tonight, and I found out I may be able to get acceptance between mid-december and march... fingers crossed for december though. That would be a load off my back. My admission average is 94.67, so that should be good enough to get into the first or second round admissions (rather than 3rd round which isn't until May). My scholarship admission is also 94.67....which is seriously less than .4% away from an extra $4000!!! I'm so frustrated right now! And I know it won't be higher until next semester because of stupid writer's craft, so I'm going to work my ass off until next June, because they'll offer the extra $4000 if I'm able to get it up. So I just finished narrowing my program choices. Right now I'm applying to 6 at 4 different universities (@ $40 per program to apply= $240 total...eek!) I'm going to build the courage to press submit on Saturday...it'll also give me time to get together the rest of the info and get my mom to approve the courses (since she's paying with her credit card for the applications, she said she wants to see them first). My friend already got an acceptance letter, and he sumbitted his on november 23 (I know, because I was sitting beside him when he did it). I hope mine goes through like that. My average is better than his, but the university that he got accepted to doesn't have very high standards. Maybe I should just apply there? haha...nope...
So tomorrow... let's say... 250?
I found out that I get to eat 765 calories a day to lose 2 lbs per week. However...that number scares me. So 250 tomorrow since friday won't be pleasant. I have drama rehearsals after school, followed by supper out with the cappies team, and then we're seeing willy wonka at a high school, where they fill us up with sweets so we'll give them good reviews...so I know that won't go very well.
So, tomorrow- 250:
brekkie? - umm...jello? (5)
lunch- pringles wheat stix (90)
after school- toast, no butter (70-80ish)
work- apples (40)
total: 215
yeah, that sounds nice :) plenty of food to keep me going, too