So I was sitting in math class, hating myself over having to leave two blank questions on the quiz because I haven't been focusing in class (too much thinking about calories consumed, calories to be consumed, and building the courage to say 'no' to the cookie jar when I get home...and not to mention late nights on PT and this (it's 1 am now...) And I thought: "Isn't the point of this all to strive for perfection? Well, my personal image of perfection is healthy, glowing, happy and being successful in school, all of which I am not achieving with the ED"
I mean, yeah, recovery sounds pretty fricking awesome...who wouldn't love to be able to eat out with friends without having to run to the bathroom to purge, or eat a family meal without fasting for five days afterward to make up for it?
But I just can't bring myself to it. I've got some kind of attachment to my ED now; it's a part of me, it IS me. It makes me feel secure and powerful.
And no matter what, I just can't bring myself over 100. I almost reached it today and freaked out.
So, I don't know, until I get the strength and courage to seek help....
I'll be here...
Just thought I'd let y'all know...
Oh yeah, and I'm going on a fast. I'd love to say I'm starting tomorrow, but I'm going out to dinner followed by a play with my cappies gang...and I'll be with one of them all day because of drama rehearsals so she'll notice I'm not eating. I may do the five bite thing tomorrow...or five 'nibbles'? hmm...possibilities... Anywhoo, I'll stay around 300 hopefully, then saturday I'll start my official fast. I'm going to try and make it last five days- liquids only. I'll allow low-cal soup once a day, but that's the only calorie intake. So, Wed at midnight I'll be done. That should allow me to do my Christmas baking for school and be able to sample so I'm not sending out disgusting treats.
Well, my eyes are drooping. Goodnight, lovelies.
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