He's giving me nothing.

So I started cutting...again..
I got in this phase sometime last week, and it's really bad..
told Zach it was bunny scratches, but a few days later felt so guilty about lying I told him what they were, told him more about the depression and stuff...told him about the ED..he doesn't understand any of it, thinks I'm just stupid, probably a drama queen, etc..but at least he's caring for me and trying to help. I guess that's good enough? I just wish he'd TRY to understand. I mean, if I'm trying to get better for HIM maybe he could try to understand what I'm going through? He thinks I can just stop cutting, just not have an ED...I try telling him it's not easy at all, but he thinks I'm just stupid.
Yesterday, we spent the day together. Amazing day, but I got in the dark mood before leaving and he knew it..so when I got home I was especially moody and stuff when my sister decided to have one of her crazy random bitch fits and we ended up fighting, ending with her kicking the shit out of me and me threatening to kill myself if she didn't stop (thought she'd care but nope..)so anyway, she saw the scratched and called me an attention whore so I left..called Zach and met up with him, told him everything, I was such a wreck it's humiliating..
anyways, he convinced his parents to let me spend the night at his place..it was a good night. I slept on an air mattress in his guest bedroom and he snuck in and layed with me and we just talked until we fell asleep. I felt so much closer to him, thought he actually started caring.
But then tonight, after all that happened, you'd think he'd ask me how I am?
Nope. It's 10:16, over 2 hours from when I usually start going 'crazy', in my dad's house where he knows I never feel safe or whatever, and all I've heard from him is that he's tired after working all day and just relaxing at home. No "how are yous..are you okay?" or asking if I've cut or anything (which I told him I told my mom I wouldn't do, but never really admitted that I intended on keeping that..I cut my stomach today to hide it..)
So, you know what? I'm fucking done. I had a horrible night, possibly one of the worst this cycle... and my boyfriend couldn't really give a shit. well that's just great. I really do have nobody now, do I?
He was the only thing keeping me from killing myself. Now that I know he doesn't really care, well...

Updates..

more for my sake than anyone else's..
umm.. June 13th 2011: made things official with Zach.
July 6 or 7 (?) i think the 7..yeah the 7th.. lost my v-card to Zach..
sunday this week: in another depressed phase.
right now (friday night): sitting on the floor having an anxiety attack, crying and pulling at my hair in frustration and a mix of emotions...trying not to cut but holding the knife..I've made a few scratches but no cuts so far. It's a dull knife so it would take extra effort that I don't really have anyway..
nobody seems to care. I'm texting Zach, told him the other day about this. Thought maybe he'd be a little concerned when I said I was having an anxiety attack..but nope.Doesn't give two shits..he's going out with his friends, or is already out. One of the two. Don't really care much right now.
He deserves better than this anyway. I'm a fucking nutcase. Only a mad woman would laugh while crying her eyes out making tiny scrapes in her flesh with a knife, thinking how great it would be for all of this to just be over.
I don't deserve any form of happiness anyway.. maybe it's better to just let him off easy..I really think I should let him go.
I'm kind of scared though, he's kind of helped me get better so far, I haven't had a depressed phase or whatever in a while, and I think I've only had like two since we started seeing each other (March). I know if I let him go, it's going to make me worse. I'll probably relapse. Possible suicide attempt in the near future..fuck. Why the fuck did this have to happen to me? What did I do to the world?
UGH

I'm a tree-hugging vegetarian who busts her ass to get straight A's, volunteers at CHEO, and spends her lunch hours collecting donations for sick kids

I'm sorry I can't be good enough. Maybe I'll try harder in my next life.
_______
Zach and I 'broke up' tonight...I say it like that because we were never really together..well, we were, just without the label.
I think he took it harder than I did. I told him I couldn't do what we're doing anymore while he still has feelings for someone else. He begged for almost two hours for me to stay. But I can't; it hurts more to do this to myself than it does to just end things. So I ended it.
But now I've lost what seems to have become my best friend.
He's distracted me during my low points, stopped me from doing stupid things, cared for me when everyone else turned their backs. Although I've never, and probably will never, tell him about any of this, my depression, ED, etc.. he still helped me. He actually saved me life.
On two separate occasions he's distracted me when I was sure I was going to kill myself. There was the pill incident sometime last week, then again last night. He knew something was wrong, and knows that I have my 'off' days and such. He knows about my family and how they make me feel about myself...ie. the pressure, expectations, all the fighting. He knows so much about me and it makes me scared.
What I'm scared most about is that I now have nobody. This is probably the worst time for me, one of the darkest moods I've ever been in. I've never been so close to killing myself as I have been in the past week. I'm scared that sometime within the next few days I'll hit another low point, but won't have him to help me through it. I've started to depend on him to much, and that's scary.
So I guess, here's to dreaming he'll get over her and come running back to me.. before I do anything stupid. Probably won't happen though; I'm not that special.
A girl can dream though, right?

It's been a while...

and I'm sure nobody reads this, but it makes me feel a bit better to get this out. This is the only place I can go to let out thoughts, kind of like someone to talk to...
I'm in a dark place right now.
I'll just start off with a little summary of what's happened recently:
- smoked pot. twice. almost smoked hash. Zach stopped me.
- got extremely drunk last weekend.
- kinda just want to do them both right now. just to forget everything
-Zach and I ended. then got back together..kinda. Well right now we're more... "friends with benefits". and it kills me. I hate that I always doubt whether he has real feelings for me or not, but I just always want to be with him...it's frustrating. I have no respect for myself anymore..not that I really did before
umm..I suppose that's about it.
Tonight I just got really bad again... I'm so behind in school and my scholarship could be in jeaopordy.
Nothing even seems worth it though..
Here's something funny: I almost just overdosed on tylenol. I've been sick for days so I already have a lot in me, and I just looked up the dose that would do my body some serious damage and everything... I was making my way downstairs to pop the pills...but you know what stopped me?
My fucking fear of the dark.
That's right. I was about to go kill myself but the thought of ghosts and ghouls lurking around whilst I do it terrified me.
Hmm..okay cuz that makes sense.
FUCK this. FUCK. I wish I had someone I could talk to. Someone who cares. But nobody gives two fucks about me.
Why am I such a fucking coward?

Crash&Burn

Another low. After such a great high.
Fuck this.
Things are yet again so difficult. Zach and I are still struggling just to get together with whatever's up with his ex. Then, on top of that school is pissing me off right now because I have too many things to do, and not enough time in the day to do it. Plus, I'm exhausted all the time and can't focus enough to do anything. So I'm falling behind and my teachers just don't care and expect me to just be fucking perfect.
It's always "Oh, you missed two days. But it's okay because you're smart, you'll get it fine." And then don't help me at all.
I'm missing school because I'm so tired. Also, I went on a school trip for four days, where every second was planned and I didn't have any free time at all, so of course I didn't do any studying. I get back and my first period teacher hands me a quiz and tells me to do it. I handed it in fifteen minutes later, blank. Auto-fail.
The funny thing is, I honestly couldn't give a damn right now. I feel so overwhelmed with family shit, school stuff, boy drama, friends...I've just stopped caring about all of it.
I just want to live. I just want to...sleep.
Well fuck this. FUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCK.
Oh, that feels kind of good.
There are too many people around to self-harm or purge...I don't know how to cope with this at the moment...I think I'm having an anxiety attack or something because I just want to run to the highway overpass and jump off it. This is too intense...but I have to keep doing my fucking homework because my teachers at school are all fucking perfect and never have any problems, so that's what they expect from me. Nobody fucking understands, and nobody gives a damn.
Fuck ignorance. Fuck them all.
It's seems kind of...ironic to say peace out here...

Happiness is achievable

I may have found it.
And it doesn't reside in food, or the scale, or anything weight-food-related.
Yes, it just so happens...it's in a guy. Well rather, the guy has shown me that it's in Me.

I think I've made a few references about Zach, the guy at work who I've been getting closer to recently. We've been friends for only a couple months, but we learned that we're exactly the same. I mean it, we have all the same sayings, expressions, everything. He often knows exactly what I'm about to say before I say it, and vice versa. That being said, we also each have this part of us that's secretive; mysterious. I guess that this is what attracted us to the other.
So we've been trying to make plans to hang out for a while, but they'd always fall through last minute. Finally, last thursday, we were able to after we both finished work at 7 (since Friday was Good Friday, we didn't really have a curfew or anything). We both have cars, but he was working at the other Mcd's so I drove to see him (it's located in this large outdoor shopping pavillion near the theatre). We didn't really plan what to do so we actually walked around for a while in the pavillion and talked, then we chilled in his car, talking and listening to music. Then we decided to find somewhere to eat, and I insisted that he show me his driving skills (haha ;) ) and that I'm cheap so we should go back to mcd's :P haha, yeah, so we did and we spent 2 hours inside McDonald's just talking, and people watching (hehe). We learned a lot about each other, and actually had a serious conversation, as opposed to the very joking and sarcastic ones we always have. Then, we sat in his car for a while talking again, and I made a joke we should walk back to the pavillion and get my car and drive back, and he took me seriously. Hahaha, so yeah, we walked, about 40 minutes, in the dark (and it was pretty cold). We talked and jokingly flirted, and then somehow, I don't remember how, but I'm sure I initiated it, we got onto the topic of "being interested" and he said he likes me. I knew that he was still hung up on his ex, so I asked about that and he told me that it's complicated- they'd never work out, and they're both getting over each other. Then I told him I like him, but he needs to figure out what he wants to do. When we got back to my car, his dad called him telling him to get home ASAP so I drove him back to his car, but we talked more (for another 45 minutes) about what we were going to do, and it ended in me agreeing to go on a date with him.
So Saturday I went to his house and we went to Subway, then we baked cupcakes for his mom's Easter dinner (lol!), and while we were waiting for them to bake, we sat on his couch (really close fyi) and we held hands, he rested one hand on my thigh (sighhh) and I rested my head on his shoulder. It was really nice. We couldn't really talk about things then though because his parents were home and he didn't want to explain to them yet what we were...well, we didn't even know so it was easier that way.
Sunday, we hung out outside all afternoon. Talking, holding hands, tickling (hehe), and a lot of hugging and touching ( ;) ). We sat on a hill for like 4 hours talking and cuddling and stuff. [He was an hour and a half late for Easter supper because of me...oops:) ] It ended with him kissing me, and me not knowing what to do/say, so I just hugged him and said goodbye.
The thing is: he left for Banff today and we won't see/talk to each other for two weeks. We've been talking on msn and we both know we have to have the talk about what we are. He's been making me nervous with things he's been saying and I can't interpret them properly online, so we both determined we need to do it in person. When he gets back, I'm leaving to New York, so it'll be just over two weeks...
I can't eat, sleep, or do anything. I'm so nervous. I realllly like him, I can talk to him about anything and he makes me feel so comfortable and admired and special, I don't want to lose him after the fragmented piece I've only just gotten.
This is going to be a fun two weeks...
ugh.
Time to study, so peace out. <3
And please, be happy.

SHITSHITSHIT and two FUCKS.

I told Dylan about this...about everything. He was doubtful, I don't think he believed me. But there's no way in hell I'd show him this as a way to attempt to prove myself. That's just wayy too much. This blog is way too fucked up. Yeah, so he's still trying to get me to go out with him. I guess he's a good friend if he'd still stick by me after that... he makes it really hard to reject him over and over again. *sigh* maybe one day... So I bought my prom dress today. It's gorgeous, green and long with a gorgeous fanned trail that flows when I walk and twirl. The back is very open and bordered with jewels. It cost me $450 with a $75 "student discout". It kind of reminded me of keira knightley's dress in Atonement, but obiously mine is better ;) now to find shoes... but man was it ever hard finding it... I felt so fat today, especially since I got my period this morning... I definitely have to lose more weight before I rock this dress. Gosh, I hate how shallow I sound... =/ okay, I'm tired and attempting to make plans for tomorrow, so peace out. <3