I'm sorry I can't be good enough. Maybe I'll try harder in my next life.
_______
Zach and I 'broke up' tonight...I say it like that because we were never really together..well, we were, just without the label.
I think he took it harder than I did. I told him I couldn't do what we're doing anymore while he still has feelings for someone else. He begged for almost two hours for me to stay. But I can't; it hurts more to do this to myself than it does to just end things. So I ended it.
But now I've lost what seems to have become my best friend.
He's distracted me during my low points, stopped me from doing stupid things, cared for me when everyone else turned their backs. Although I've never, and probably will never, tell him about any of this, my depression, ED, etc.. he still helped me. He actually saved me life.
On two separate occasions he's distracted me when I was sure I was going to kill myself. There was the pill incident sometime last week, then again last night. He knew something was wrong, and knows that I have my 'off' days and such. He knows about my family and how they make me feel about myself...ie. the pressure, expectations, all the fighting. He knows so much about me and it makes me scared.
What I'm scared most about is that I now have nobody. This is probably the worst time for me, one of the darkest moods I've ever been in. I've never been so close to killing myself as I have been in the past week. I'm scared that sometime within the next few days I'll hit another low point, but won't have him to help me through it. I've started to depend on him to much, and that's scary.
So I guess, here's to dreaming he'll get over her and come running back to me.. before I do anything stupid. Probably won't happen though; I'm not that special.
A girl can dream though, right?
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