Updates..

more for my sake than anyone else's..
umm.. June 13th 2011: made things official with Zach.
July 6 or 7 (?) i think the 7..yeah the 7th.. lost my v-card to Zach..
sunday this week: in another depressed phase.
right now (friday night): sitting on the floor having an anxiety attack, crying and pulling at my hair in frustration and a mix of emotions...trying not to cut but holding the knife..I've made a few scratches but no cuts so far. It's a dull knife so it would take extra effort that I don't really have anyway..
nobody seems to care. I'm texting Zach, told him the other day about this. Thought maybe he'd be a little concerned when I said I was having an anxiety attack..but nope.Doesn't give two shits..he's going out with his friends, or is already out. One of the two. Don't really care much right now.
He deserves better than this anyway. I'm a fucking nutcase. Only a mad woman would laugh while crying her eyes out making tiny scrapes in her flesh with a knife, thinking how great it would be for all of this to just be over.
I don't deserve any form of happiness anyway.. maybe it's better to just let him off easy..I really think I should let him go.
I'm kind of scared though, he's kind of helped me get better so far, I haven't had a depressed phase or whatever in a while, and I think I've only had like two since we started seeing each other (March). I know if I let him go, it's going to make me worse. I'll probably relapse. Possible suicide attempt in the near future..fuck. Why the fuck did this have to happen to me? What did I do to the world?
UGH