...well really, it's just the title.
I don't have enough energy to find the words to say it. I went to work today and it wasn't busy. I've never brought my emotional stuff to work, but today I was standing there thinking 'what if I were dead?' and that startled me. Work usually makes me temporarily numb from my personal hell, but today was different. Even in chemistry class, all I could do was look around at the chemicals and wonder which ones I could swallow that would put me into a permanent sleep. Nothing is safe for me anymore.
I have a horrible headache. It's not even a hunger headache because I ate a lot between work and school. 20 chips + 2 granola bars + 6 veggie chicken strips + ketchup
then I had an apple at work
after work I had a donut and cafe mocha. :s
Why is it that once we go over our calorie limit or 'food goal' for the day, we feel the day is ruined and just ruin it more by binging? I don't understand.
Well, I kind of decided that after I get back from the Caribbean, there will be nothing left that I look forward to. I'm not even that excited about going on my trip, except that it's an escape from school, work, life. After that, what's really holding me here? I cry like every day because I'm just so frustrated with myself, and with life. I can't figure out my emotions. Everything just feels so gray to me, I'm never happy, and these days I'm always fantasizing my suicide. =/
I don't know, I guess we'll just see where I am emotionally when we get back. All I know is that it will go one of two ways:
1. I'll tell someone about this and get help.
2. I'll starve myself (even more) until I'm finally satisfied with myself, or until I die. Whichever comes first.
so yeahh, well, I have homework to do and then I've got to cry myself to sleep. Peace out
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