Day 4

Feeling Great; Feeling Strong. Capital G, capital S :)
today was so much better :) I had nothing until around 12:30 when I ate a 90 cal special k bar before my volunteering shift. During the shift, my stomach started grumbling so loud! Luckily, there was a thunder storm so I was able to hide it. Then we went grocery shopping- my dad bought so much junk! But I have done really well staying away from it, and I did buy a few low cal snack foods that should help with the cravings.
I'm so glad I was able to get over what happened yesterday. I don't know why it bothered me so much- I was in the shower for half an hour seriously about to cut myself- which I've never done before and really don't ever plan on starting. It was a stupid mistake- the problem is, I get so nervous around strangers that I don't know what to do or say so I'll just do whatever they tell me to do, and this guy was telling me to initial for my mom and tell this lady on the phone I was my mom so they could install something. So my dad came home and I told him what happened, he gave me hell for it and fixed everything. I'm so fucking stupid. See... life really would be better without me, would't it?

Today was a 400 cal day, and so far I have had:
- 90 cal bar (90, obviously)
- less than 1/2 cup brown rice with veggies and beans (1/2cup= 140)
- a couple chips (let's say...20?)
- I did have a piece of a brownie though :( (~100)

Total so far: 350

I am not baking until this is over- I just get upset that nobody's eating it and hate to see it go to waste. Or better yet, I'll make sure I only bake for special occasions- that is, holidays, family get togethers, etc so everyone will eat it :)
muahahahahahaha

Oh hey, did I mention I figured out an awesome way to keep from the kitchen? Mop. Get on your hands and knees and scrub the hell out of the tiles. Also, before that, completely disinfect EVERYTHING- counters, cupboards, appliances, etc. Now you have a squeaky clean kitchen, you burned lots and lots of calories, and you won't want to ruin it by eating and dropping crumbs everywhere :)

I do have another problem though: tomorrow is a 100 calorie day, and I'm watching my nephews (one is 3 and the other is 5) all day. That means, I'll be expected to make meals and snack for them, but can't eat myself. That wouldn't be a problem if the five year old didn't always ask me what I was eating or why I wasn't eating what they're eating. I just can't lie to the kid, so I always end up grabbing a small plate of whatever I make them. Tomorrow, I'll have to be strong and think of something, like 'I already ate' or something. 100 calorie days are never hard for me- but this one will be painful. I think I'll use up the rest of my calories today so I'm not as hungry in the morning.