I effed up a little today. I ate two extra mini bars (~120), so I'm pretty sure I went over, hopefully not by much. I hate that I couldn't purge. :(
I felt bad for a long time, but ultimately I felt relatively good that I stopped myself before it got too bad. My mom gave me a full sized chocolate bar (250 calories), and I have to find a way to dispose of it or hide it so I don't eat it. :/
Okay, so plan for tomorrow:
Tomorrow is a 300 calorie day-
let's see... 1 piece of bread (~85)
maybe a bit of butter (let's say 20)
either a granola bar or a pack of biscuits (100)
maybe 1 egg (75), or I may have 1/4 cup egg substitute while I'm at dad's (30)
Total for tomorrow: 235-280
Good, I'll have some wiggle room.:)
And I have full intentions of purging at school tomorrow after lunch, if I can get in the bathroom alone.
Sunday, October 31, 2010
Halloween :)
Happy Halloween!
It's going pretty okay so far.
All I ended up having at work was a side salad (approx 35 cals worth)
BUUUT when I got home I had two mini candy bars (one was 40 the other was 60)
Total so far: 135
Today is a 500 cal day.
My mom keeps expecting me to eat the damn pizza in the fridge. Right now she's out, but said she'd be home in about 40 minutes. That gives me more than enough time to have a slice and purge by the time she gets home. I know I technically have enough calories for it, but I really don't want that crap staying in me.
It's almost 6, and we've had no trick or treaters :( Living in the bay is so lonely :(
On the bright side, double double toil and trouble is on tv. I love the young olsen twins...reminds me of the innocent, care-free days <333
ADDENDUM:
shit. mom got home 20 minutes earlier than she said she would. I was just downing the last piece when I heard...yes heard...the old truck coming up the road. As soon as I saw the lights, I ran for the bathroom to try to throw up, but couldn't get it out by the time I heard the footsteps on the porch, so now it's stuck in me. I walked into the hallway with teary eyes and blowing my nose so she'd think I just have a cold (bonus points: I was carrying the dirty dish).On the bright side, I thought ahead and saved enough calories for that slice. However, I feel really shitty with it sitting in my stomach. :(
It's going pretty okay so far.
All I ended up having at work was a side salad (approx 35 cals worth)
BUUUT when I got home I had two mini candy bars (one was 40 the other was 60)
Total so far: 135
Today is a 500 cal day.
My mom keeps expecting me to eat the damn pizza in the fridge. Right now she's out, but said she'd be home in about 40 minutes. That gives me more than enough time to have a slice and purge by the time she gets home. I know I technically have enough calories for it, but I really don't want that crap staying in me.
It's almost 6, and we've had no trick or treaters :( Living in the bay is so lonely :(
On the bright side, double double toil and trouble is on tv. I love the young olsen twins...reminds me of the innocent, care-free days <333
ADDENDUM:
shit. mom got home 20 minutes earlier than she said she would. I was just downing the last piece when I heard...yes heard...the old truck coming up the road. As soon as I saw the lights, I ran for the bathroom to try to throw up, but couldn't get it out by the time I heard the footsteps on the porch, so now it's stuck in me. I walked into the hallway with teary eyes and blowing my nose so she'd think I just have a cold (bonus points: I was carrying the dirty dish).On the bright side, I thought ahead and saved enough calories for that slice. However, I feel really shitty with it sitting in my stomach. :(
Saturday, October 30, 2010
Fuuuuck
Long story short: I am but a worthless, hideous, obese beast.
Last few months have been so stressful- too much homework, too many crappy shifts, not enough sleep. I was fortunate enough to have a rather long period of time in which I wasn't completely depressed. I had maybe a week and a half of an elevated mood, even. But I fell back into the depression sometime last week.
I don't know, maybe I'm just not fit for this world. Normal people don't write letters to themselves about how useless they are, or write letters to their parents for after their death, do they?
I've been emotionally and physically stressed. I just can't take it anymore. Worst week of my life. I've been working at mcd's (I know, worst place for an anorexic vegetarian) for 3 years, I tried to quit a year ago, but my boss begged me to say and said she was going to promote me. I learned this week that this douchebag who's only been there a year and a bit got promoted, and she hasn't even been preparing me for a promotion. This kid is also younger than me, and a total suck up. He already tries bossing me around, and now he thinks he has a reason to. Fuck this little dipshit. Today, I went to work (hungover...but I'll talk about that later) and she said I was employee of the month...woopdeefrickindoo. It honestly means nothing. Usually, the newbs get it as some kind of encouragement, so it's actually sort of like a slap in the face. Later, she caught me not using the fucking tongs to put down something, so I was just like "There are no tongs around, they need it right away, my hands are cleaned and I'll clean them right after, and it was only just this once" and she goes "I can't believe I just told you you're employee of the month and you go and do something like this." I should have said "So you should give it to someone who wants it then, like your precious Taylor (the dipshit-suckup)". Damn, I wish I said it. I swear to god I'm going to quit that place.
Anywhoo, I also learned this week that my younger cousin (she's in grade nine, and we're reallly close, we tell each other everything and I'm kind of like her mentor) is bulimic and cutting herself. her friends told their parents who told her parents, who told my mom who told me...yeah. Right now, she's still playing dumb. I kind of want to tell her about my anorexia/depression so that she can feel she relates to me and open up about herself, and maybe we can get through it together? I don't really know how to open that conversation up, though. "Oh hey, I'm anorexic. Got anything you want to share?" I'm worried about her.
On top of that, for some no apparent reason, guys keep falling for me...wtf. Don't they know I'm too fucked up to want a guy right now? Last month, the guy I liked for a long time finally asked me out, but then cancelled and never asked me again, meanwhile this other guy was trying to get me to see guy1 is an asshole and ask me out with him instead... I said no... last week, someone else asked me out and I said no, and now this other guy from work keeps trying to ask me out...thank god I'm so busy cuz he's too nice to turn down.
So, last night... I got waay too drunk. Are you an alcoholic if all you can think about for weeks is going to this halloween party so you can finally drink and feel better about everything? I hope not...
So I got there and immediately started drinking. I had about a mickey and a half of one of spiced rum and some sourpuss (which I never finished cuz someone took it), and countless sips of other people's stuff. I felt euphoric by 8 o'clock (I got there at 7:30), but it didn't feel strong enough so I kept downing drinks. I do remember being in a closet, almost in tears, talking to one of my guy friends (who is such a sweetie...he's mormon, if that means anything to you). He's been concerned about me since he saw me break down crying at school the other day. I told him I wanted to kill myself (which I CANNOT believe I did), and he said "If you killed yourself, I would die. Seriously." It was so heartbreaking. Why is it that a whole bunch of guys like me, but the ones I want to like me just don't. He likes someone else, who I just learned rejected him and he said he's moving on. I drunkly said to him last night "too bad I'm not your type" and he said "maybe one day..." Am I stupid to think that maybe he's starting to have feelings for me? I hope not. :( Part of me feels good to have shared something, but I'm worried what he'll say when I see him on Monday.
So, he tried to take away my drink because I was way so emotional, but I said no and attacked him to keep it. So he gave me water and tried to feed me bread (which of course being the dumbass drunk I am, I had to ask how many calories are in bread, then asked if I puked if they would all go away...) Anywhoo, needless to say I did puke- three times. I spent the last hour of the party on the floor with two rando guys telling me I'm okay, making sure I drank water and ate the bread, and holding a bag for me to puke in...and also making sure I stayed concious, which was really hard. I finally got home around 12:30 and passed out.
Getting up was torture. It hit me as soon as I stood, and work was horrible. I'm such a dummy that I posted on facebook that I won't be drinking for a long time, and one of my managers commented. (IDIOT!)
Yeah, so I work again tomorrow. Fuck. I slept from 5 till now, and I'm going to sleep again in about 10 mins. I just needed to rant to anyone who cares to listen.
Oh yeah, last thing- fuck.my.life. Seriously, I just want to kill myself and make everyone happier. No, honestly. I am such a bitch to everyone that they'd all be happier if I were gone. Sure, they'd be sad I'm dead, but they'd be over it in moments and go on to realize how great life truly is without me. I just can't do that to my mom, or my pets...(..wtf.?)
Okay, so I've started the ABC again. Day 1 was today. I had like 1/4 of a fruit and yogurt parfait at mcdonald's (which I counted as roughly 40 cals), a granola bar (100), and then I had a mini-binge on halloween candy...but since they were all really small and I honestly didn't have too much I think it's safe to say I stayed under the 500 limit today, but it was really close.
Mom ordered a pizza though. She orders me a small cheese (just for myself), since I'm vegetarian and all. She keeps coming into my room and asking me when I'm going to eat it. I was sleeping, so I just said I will when I wake up. I waited until she went to bed to get up and get on the computer. I have to figure out a way to dispose of the pizza (or at least just a slice in case she checks). I don't even have enough calories left for a few bites. I'm thinking of cutting it into pieces (and then the sauce and cheese crumbs will get all over the plate...score!) and wrap them in tissue paper and throw them in the garbage. Or maybe I'll just leave it for tonight and say I was way too tired to get up and eat. I can deal with it tomorrow. Who knows, maybe I can be a good little girl and actually have enough calories left over for 1/2 a piece.But then again, knowing me, once I started I wouldn't know how to stop myself.
Tomorrow is a 500 cal day. Since I work 8-4, I plan to have apple slices (40) and a side salad without onions and tomatoes (roughly 40) for a total of 80. If I ABSOLUTELY need to eat something else, I may either have more apples or mcdonaldland cookies(both 40 cals) = 120. If all goes according to plan, I may be able to snag 1/2 piece of pizza when I get home. Unfortunately, we ordered from a little restaurant in our tiny town so I have to estimate the calories for a slice to be about 250.
Well, hopefully tomorrow is going to be a better day.
Last few months have been so stressful- too much homework, too many crappy shifts, not enough sleep. I was fortunate enough to have a rather long period of time in which I wasn't completely depressed. I had maybe a week and a half of an elevated mood, even. But I fell back into the depression sometime last week.
I don't know, maybe I'm just not fit for this world. Normal people don't write letters to themselves about how useless they are, or write letters to their parents for after their death, do they?
I've been emotionally and physically stressed. I just can't take it anymore. Worst week of my life. I've been working at mcd's (I know, worst place for an anorexic vegetarian) for 3 years, I tried to quit a year ago, but my boss begged me to say and said she was going to promote me. I learned this week that this douchebag who's only been there a year and a bit got promoted, and she hasn't even been preparing me for a promotion. This kid is also younger than me, and a total suck up. He already tries bossing me around, and now he thinks he has a reason to. Fuck this little dipshit. Today, I went to work (hungover...but I'll talk about that later) and she said I was employee of the month...woopdeefrickindoo. It honestly means nothing. Usually, the newbs get it as some kind of encouragement, so it's actually sort of like a slap in the face. Later, she caught me not using the fucking tongs to put down something, so I was just like "There are no tongs around, they need it right away, my hands are cleaned and I'll clean them right after, and it was only just this once" and she goes "I can't believe I just told you you're employee of the month and you go and do something like this." I should have said "So you should give it to someone who wants it then, like your precious Taylor (the dipshit-suckup)". Damn, I wish I said it. I swear to god I'm going to quit that place.
Anywhoo, I also learned this week that my younger cousin (she's in grade nine, and we're reallly close, we tell each other everything and I'm kind of like her mentor) is bulimic and cutting herself. her friends told their parents who told her parents, who told my mom who told me...yeah. Right now, she's still playing dumb. I kind of want to tell her about my anorexia/depression so that she can feel she relates to me and open up about herself, and maybe we can get through it together? I don't really know how to open that conversation up, though. "Oh hey, I'm anorexic. Got anything you want to share?" I'm worried about her.
On top of that, for some no apparent reason, guys keep falling for me...wtf. Don't they know I'm too fucked up to want a guy right now? Last month, the guy I liked for a long time finally asked me out, but then cancelled and never asked me again, meanwhile this other guy was trying to get me to see guy1 is an asshole and ask me out with him instead... I said no... last week, someone else asked me out and I said no, and now this other guy from work keeps trying to ask me out...thank god I'm so busy cuz he's too nice to turn down.
So, last night... I got waay too drunk. Are you an alcoholic if all you can think about for weeks is going to this halloween party so you can finally drink and feel better about everything? I hope not...
So I got there and immediately started drinking. I had about a mickey and a half of one of spiced rum and some sourpuss (which I never finished cuz someone took it), and countless sips of other people's stuff. I felt euphoric by 8 o'clock (I got there at 7:30), but it didn't feel strong enough so I kept downing drinks. I do remember being in a closet, almost in tears, talking to one of my guy friends (who is such a sweetie...he's mormon, if that means anything to you). He's been concerned about me since he saw me break down crying at school the other day. I told him I wanted to kill myself (which I CANNOT believe I did), and he said "If you killed yourself, I would die. Seriously." It was so heartbreaking. Why is it that a whole bunch of guys like me, but the ones I want to like me just don't. He likes someone else, who I just learned rejected him and he said he's moving on. I drunkly said to him last night "too bad I'm not your type" and he said "maybe one day..." Am I stupid to think that maybe he's starting to have feelings for me? I hope not. :( Part of me feels good to have shared something, but I'm worried what he'll say when I see him on Monday.
So, he tried to take away my drink because I was way so emotional, but I said no and attacked him to keep it. So he gave me water and tried to feed me bread (which of course being the dumbass drunk I am, I had to ask how many calories are in bread, then asked if I puked if they would all go away...) Anywhoo, needless to say I did puke- three times. I spent the last hour of the party on the floor with two rando guys telling me I'm okay, making sure I drank water and ate the bread, and holding a bag for me to puke in...and also making sure I stayed concious, which was really hard. I finally got home around 12:30 and passed out.
Getting up was torture. It hit me as soon as I stood, and work was horrible. I'm such a dummy that I posted on facebook that I won't be drinking for a long time, and one of my managers commented. (IDIOT!)
Yeah, so I work again tomorrow. Fuck. I slept from 5 till now, and I'm going to sleep again in about 10 mins. I just needed to rant to anyone who cares to listen.
Oh yeah, last thing- fuck.my.life. Seriously, I just want to kill myself and make everyone happier. No, honestly. I am such a bitch to everyone that they'd all be happier if I were gone. Sure, they'd be sad I'm dead, but they'd be over it in moments and go on to realize how great life truly is without me. I just can't do that to my mom, or my pets...(..wtf.?)
Okay, so I've started the ABC again. Day 1 was today. I had like 1/4 of a fruit and yogurt parfait at mcdonald's (which I counted as roughly 40 cals), a granola bar (100), and then I had a mini-binge on halloween candy...but since they were all really small and I honestly didn't have too much I think it's safe to say I stayed under the 500 limit today, but it was really close.
Mom ordered a pizza though. She orders me a small cheese (just for myself), since I'm vegetarian and all. She keeps coming into my room and asking me when I'm going to eat it. I was sleeping, so I just said I will when I wake up. I waited until she went to bed to get up and get on the computer. I have to figure out a way to dispose of the pizza (or at least just a slice in case she checks). I don't even have enough calories left for a few bites. I'm thinking of cutting it into pieces (and then the sauce and cheese crumbs will get all over the plate...score!) and wrap them in tissue paper and throw them in the garbage. Or maybe I'll just leave it for tonight and say I was way too tired to get up and eat. I can deal with it tomorrow. Who knows, maybe I can be a good little girl and actually have enough calories left over for 1/2 a piece.But then again, knowing me, once I started I wouldn't know how to stop myself.
Tomorrow is a 500 cal day. Since I work 8-4, I plan to have apple slices (40) and a side salad without onions and tomatoes (roughly 40) for a total of 80. If I ABSOLUTELY need to eat something else, I may either have more apples or mcdonaldland cookies(both 40 cals) = 120. If all goes according to plan, I may be able to snag 1/2 piece of pizza when I get home. Unfortunately, we ordered from a little restaurant in our tiny town so I have to estimate the calories for a slice to be about 250.
Well, hopefully tomorrow is going to be a better day.
Saturday, September 11, 2010
:/
Since that last post, I've been doing a lot better. I can't explain it, but something clicked inside my brain for a moment and made me want to be normal and stop freaking out about food. I've been less critical and more accepting of my body, although I still dislike many parts of it and feel self conscious and fat. Luckily, I haven't gained any weight, though I fear a relapse the moment I gain 1 pound. I still can't get through a day without worrying that I'm eating too much or go over 800 without feeling like a fat ass, but it is a major improvement. I really need to work out more, though. My thighs are expanding... :/
Tuesday, August 17, 2010
It's a little better
Okay, so I'm doing a bit better now since Turbo passed away, as is Tibby. We both still really miss her. I kind of want to get another cat around her age because it feels so quiet and lonely now, but I feel it's too soon and I don't want to simply 'replace' her.
Mom cleaned up my bathroom over the weekend, which made me upset because the towels on the floor still had Turbo's body print on them from when she'd lie on them, and I could even still see her fur on them. I was sad because I wasn't quite ready to let go of her that way, and when I told mom I knew she felt guilty. Everyone knows how much I love my pets. My grief proves that I love them as much as I'd love a human being.
Well, my faith has been refound. I wish we had a bible to I could actually read it, but I'll have to find one maybe when I'm in town on Wednesday.
Also, my weight issues did not go away. Although I did find a bit of light about what types of bodies were realistic and what actually looks good, I still hate my body. I understand I'm not 'fat', but I know I could stand to lose a few. I signed up to go to the new water park, Calypso, with work on August 31. I have two weeks to get a slamming body. Me+ bathing suit= ?
I feel frustrated at home now. I feel bored. Just plain bored. Not from actually having nothing to do, because there are plenty of things to do. No, I'm bored of life. Have you ever been so bored of life that you actually constanstly feel frustrated? I don't know why I feel frustrated, or what I feel frustrated at/about, but I just know that I am. I don't know what to do, so I've been filling the void with food. Ick, not good. I've made some new goals so I can change my ways again:
lose 10 lbs by 1st day of school (sep 7)
stick to this routine:
breakfast- toast with a bit of jam, cereal, or fruit
lunch- salad
supper- protein + veggies + a whole grain on some days (ex: veggie chicken with whole grain rice and vegetable medley)
snacks: fruit, veggies, 90 cal special k bar
always have a glass of milk at some point throughout the day
Let's try not to fail this time, please.
Mom cleaned up my bathroom over the weekend, which made me upset because the towels on the floor still had Turbo's body print on them from when she'd lie on them, and I could even still see her fur on them. I was sad because I wasn't quite ready to let go of her that way, and when I told mom I knew she felt guilty. Everyone knows how much I love my pets. My grief proves that I love them as much as I'd love a human being.
Well, my faith has been refound. I wish we had a bible to I could actually read it, but I'll have to find one maybe when I'm in town on Wednesday.
Also, my weight issues did not go away. Although I did find a bit of light about what types of bodies were realistic and what actually looks good, I still hate my body. I understand I'm not 'fat', but I know I could stand to lose a few. I signed up to go to the new water park, Calypso, with work on August 31. I have two weeks to get a slamming body. Me+ bathing suit= ?
I feel frustrated at home now. I feel bored. Just plain bored. Not from actually having nothing to do, because there are plenty of things to do. No, I'm bored of life. Have you ever been so bored of life that you actually constanstly feel frustrated? I don't know why I feel frustrated, or what I feel frustrated at/about, but I just know that I am. I don't know what to do, so I've been filling the void with food. Ick, not good. I've made some new goals so I can change my ways again:
lose 10 lbs by 1st day of school (sep 7)
stick to this routine:
breakfast- toast with a bit of jam, cereal, or fruit
lunch- salad
supper- protein + veggies + a whole grain on some days (ex: veggie chicken with whole grain rice and vegetable medley)
snacks: fruit, veggies, 90 cal special k bar
always have a glass of milk at some point throughout the day
Let's try not to fail this time, please.
Thursday, August 5, 2010
I fail at this
Well, a tragedy has occurred over the past couple of days. I've decided to quit the ABC diet...well, just postpone it indefinitely. I'll still restrict, but I know I'll be bingeing a bit more because I've been more depressed than ever. I don't want the stress of not getting the calories I want on top of that. Well, I'll just post the journal entries I made while the internet was out after the storm. It's pretty long:
Wednesday August 4, 2010
10:35 pm
Mom came home from Petawawa earlier than she was supposed to. Actually, I was going to stay at dad’s for a night because I’m taking care of the boys tomorrow, but I ended up here because I heard some really bad news.
I guess the bad storm that hit today really affected C-Bay, and a tree branch slammed against my bedroom window. There was no damage, but it really freaked out my cats. We don’t know what happened, but my mom’s boyfriend came home to find one of them dead. Turbo. My Turbo. My baby. They guess that it scared her (she’s always afraid of thunder and loud noises- so it could have been the storm or it could have been the tree branch) and she had a heart attack. I actually hope that’s what happened, because then the pain would be minimized and she would have died instantly. My poor baby. I guess the fur on one side of her face was all matted from where my cat had licked her, knowing something was wrong. They’ve spent eight years together- I know they truly loved each other. They were inseparable.
When my mom told me, I burst into tears; I couldn’t move, I couldn’t speak, and now I don’t want to eat more than ever. I feel so sick right now. I was supposed to be there! I know that I may not have been able to save her- but what if? I was supposed to be home! I could have comforted her. I could have pet her, and she would know it was okay. Cats are smarter than we give them credit for, they have feelings.
Now I’m feeling guilty for everything- for not giving her enough attention, for moving her out here. She was a needy cat, really loved pets and attention, but I often didn’t give her enough loving because of something as silly as her fur that was a little bit greasy. Why was I so selfish? She should have been at dad’s. But no. I had to move them out here. She would be fine if she had stayed at dad’s. I can’t stop crying- she was everything to me and Tibby, and she was too young to die. She hadn’t had a lifetime of loving yet. Tibby was apparently under my bed the whole afternoon and only came out when I got home. He’s been laying with me since- I think he knows she’s dead. But it’s heartbreaking to see him shoot up every couple of minutes and look around- the way he does when he hears Turbo enter the room or when he hears her playing outside the door. My poor baby- as I was writing this, he lept up from where he was sleeping on my chest and his eyes darted to my door. He’s waiting for her. Here come more tears.
He’s alone now. We don’t know where Mio is- Shawn says she darted outside when he came home and she hasn’t come back yet. I haven’t heard her at the door either.
I’m just so glad Tibby and Boo are okay. I wish I can stay home with Tibby until I know he’ll be okay after the loss of his best friend- his soul mate. I know this sounds silly, but they are like children to me. I feel like I lost a part of me, and I’m worried about Tibby. I miss Turbo so much already. I couldn’t stand to see her body, so Shawn and mom are just going to burry her. I looked at a few of her pictures from facebook- I wish I could have held her when I had the chance. I didn’t even see her this morning. If I had known, I would have at least hugged her and pet her until my mom forced us apart. Tibby’s left my room now, probably searching for her again. I wish Mio would come home.
I’m sorry Turbo. I’m so so sorry.
Thursday, August-05-10 8:25 pm
Everything reminds me of her- the towels on the bathroom floor that she used to lie on, her fur still on most of them; my laptop’s power cord that she chewed; any patch of sunlight that enters the house, knowing she used to love to lie in it; the kitchen chairs that she’d sprawl across; my bed- her absolute favourite place, both on and under it; my clothes- she used to lie on them all the time, and I’d be annoyed to find her dark fur on all my clothes. And I bet if I go to dad’s and take the teddy bear off my fuzzy pink moon chair, and huge mass of her dark fur will be right in the fuzz of the chair. And all over my clothes on the floor in the closet. Oh what I’d give to have all that back. I didn’t love her enough. No, I didn’t show my love for her enough. I loved her all too much, which is the problem. Even my email and usernames remind me of her (tiiburbo= my two cats’ names, Tibby and Turbo). I don’t even have enough pictures of her. I’m now regretting not being there to bury her- it didn’t even occur to me that I would need it for closure and to say goodbye. I keep looking outside, thinking how cold it must be. I wish I had buried her in her favourite blanket and with some toys. I know this sounds completely crazy, but I haven’t accepted that she’s dead yet. I keep expecting her to start meowing her loud, annoying meow- the one that we all found utterly annoying, but I miss more than ever. I miss her running into my room the moment I come home and curling up with Tibby on my bed. I miss her being by my side wherever I go in the house. I didn’t want to bury her because I didn’t believe she was dead. Poor Tibby still hasn’t stopped looking for her. Mio came in earlier and starting meowing, and he jumped up and ran to her, but when he smelled her and realized it wasn’t Turbo, he came back, his head hung low. He hasn’t even left my side. My poor babies.
I didn’t think I would miss her this much. I cry probably five or six times a day. I keep imaging how she must have died. I worry that she was scared, lonely, and in pain. The neighbours said that when the branch hit the ground, the whole neighbourhood shook because it was so huge and actually came from across the street (which is about 100 feet away- so the wind would have been very strong). I worry that she was under my bed or something, and the shake startled her and she hit her head, or even worse- there are these stupid ornaments under my bed with very sharp parts to them, and I worry that she hit herself on one and cut herself and bleed to death. Mom did find some kind of dried stains on the floor beside the door that looked like blood. She was probably scared, in so much pain, and looking for someone to help her. WHY WASN’T I HERE? I’m so mad at myself for not being there and for moving them here in the first place; mad at Jenna for stealing my place at dad’s and forcing me here; mad at dad for nagging at me to take them here; mad at mom for having such an unsuitable house for the cats. My baby is dead because I just had to go and make a drama out of my life. WHY THE FUCK AM I SO SELFISH? I miss her so fucking much. I wish I had just pet her before I left on Wednesday. If only I had some kind of sign that she was okay up there. I read the rainbow poem about animals in the afterlife, playing with other animals’ spirits and waiting for their owners to come. It really makes me want to die sooner so I could be with her.
Since she passed, I’ve been more depressed than ever. What is the point to living if we’re all going to die anyway? I’ve always known that my pets were the only things keeping me alive. What happens when they all pass on? Who will keep me here then? What will stop me from finally ending it all? I don’t even think I’d stay here for my own mother. One thing is for sure: I have to make sure to live ‘sinlessly’ until I finally do die. I have to make sure that I do make it to heaven, if it does exist at all. I’m completely uncertain about it; I am not a religious person. Well, actually, I’m agnostic (unsure). But don’t I have to have true faith in order to make it to heaven? I don’t think God takes negotiations. I guess that means I have to do some soul searching. No more sins from now on. I think I’ll google sins, just to make sure I’m not sinning at all. I know that sounds juvenile, but I have to make sure I see my babies again one day.
If I starve myself to death, does it count as suicide?
I miss my baby. Tibby misses her too, and I miss the old days.
I’ll never stop loving you, Turbo.
Wednesday August 4, 2010
10:35 pm
Mom came home from Petawawa earlier than she was supposed to. Actually, I was going to stay at dad’s for a night because I’m taking care of the boys tomorrow, but I ended up here because I heard some really bad news.
I guess the bad storm that hit today really affected C-Bay, and a tree branch slammed against my bedroom window. There was no damage, but it really freaked out my cats. We don’t know what happened, but my mom’s boyfriend came home to find one of them dead. Turbo. My Turbo. My baby. They guess that it scared her (she’s always afraid of thunder and loud noises- so it could have been the storm or it could have been the tree branch) and she had a heart attack. I actually hope that’s what happened, because then the pain would be minimized and she would have died instantly. My poor baby. I guess the fur on one side of her face was all matted from where my cat had licked her, knowing something was wrong. They’ve spent eight years together- I know they truly loved each other. They were inseparable.
When my mom told me, I burst into tears; I couldn’t move, I couldn’t speak, and now I don’t want to eat more than ever. I feel so sick right now. I was supposed to be there! I know that I may not have been able to save her- but what if? I was supposed to be home! I could have comforted her. I could have pet her, and she would know it was okay. Cats are smarter than we give them credit for, they have feelings.
Now I’m feeling guilty for everything- for not giving her enough attention, for moving her out here. She was a needy cat, really loved pets and attention, but I often didn’t give her enough loving because of something as silly as her fur that was a little bit greasy. Why was I so selfish? She should have been at dad’s. But no. I had to move them out here. She would be fine if she had stayed at dad’s. I can’t stop crying- she was everything to me and Tibby, and she was too young to die. She hadn’t had a lifetime of loving yet. Tibby was apparently under my bed the whole afternoon and only came out when I got home. He’s been laying with me since- I think he knows she’s dead. But it’s heartbreaking to see him shoot up every couple of minutes and look around- the way he does when he hears Turbo enter the room or when he hears her playing outside the door. My poor baby- as I was writing this, he lept up from where he was sleeping on my chest and his eyes darted to my door. He’s waiting for her. Here come more tears.
He’s alone now. We don’t know where Mio is- Shawn says she darted outside when he came home and she hasn’t come back yet. I haven’t heard her at the door either.
I’m just so glad Tibby and Boo are okay. I wish I can stay home with Tibby until I know he’ll be okay after the loss of his best friend- his soul mate. I know this sounds silly, but they are like children to me. I feel like I lost a part of me, and I’m worried about Tibby. I miss Turbo so much already. I couldn’t stand to see her body, so Shawn and mom are just going to burry her. I looked at a few of her pictures from facebook- I wish I could have held her when I had the chance. I didn’t even see her this morning. If I had known, I would have at least hugged her and pet her until my mom forced us apart. Tibby’s left my room now, probably searching for her again. I wish Mio would come home.
I’m sorry Turbo. I’m so so sorry.
Thursday, August-05-10 8:25 pm
Everything reminds me of her- the towels on the bathroom floor that she used to lie on, her fur still on most of them; my laptop’s power cord that she chewed; any patch of sunlight that enters the house, knowing she used to love to lie in it; the kitchen chairs that she’d sprawl across; my bed- her absolute favourite place, both on and under it; my clothes- she used to lie on them all the time, and I’d be annoyed to find her dark fur on all my clothes. And I bet if I go to dad’s and take the teddy bear off my fuzzy pink moon chair, and huge mass of her dark fur will be right in the fuzz of the chair. And all over my clothes on the floor in the closet. Oh what I’d give to have all that back. I didn’t love her enough. No, I didn’t show my love for her enough. I loved her all too much, which is the problem. Even my email and usernames remind me of her (tiiburbo= my two cats’ names, Tibby and Turbo). I don’t even have enough pictures of her. I’m now regretting not being there to bury her- it didn’t even occur to me that I would need it for closure and to say goodbye. I keep looking outside, thinking how cold it must be. I wish I had buried her in her favourite blanket and with some toys. I know this sounds completely crazy, but I haven’t accepted that she’s dead yet. I keep expecting her to start meowing her loud, annoying meow- the one that we all found utterly annoying, but I miss more than ever. I miss her running into my room the moment I come home and curling up with Tibby on my bed. I miss her being by my side wherever I go in the house. I didn’t want to bury her because I didn’t believe she was dead. Poor Tibby still hasn’t stopped looking for her. Mio came in earlier and starting meowing, and he jumped up and ran to her, but when he smelled her and realized it wasn’t Turbo, he came back, his head hung low. He hasn’t even left my side. My poor babies.
I didn’t think I would miss her this much. I cry probably five or six times a day. I keep imaging how she must have died. I worry that she was scared, lonely, and in pain. The neighbours said that when the branch hit the ground, the whole neighbourhood shook because it was so huge and actually came from across the street (which is about 100 feet away- so the wind would have been very strong). I worry that she was under my bed or something, and the shake startled her and she hit her head, or even worse- there are these stupid ornaments under my bed with very sharp parts to them, and I worry that she hit herself on one and cut herself and bleed to death. Mom did find some kind of dried stains on the floor beside the door that looked like blood. She was probably scared, in so much pain, and looking for someone to help her. WHY WASN’T I HERE? I’m so mad at myself for not being there and for moving them here in the first place; mad at Jenna for stealing my place at dad’s and forcing me here; mad at dad for nagging at me to take them here; mad at mom for having such an unsuitable house for the cats. My baby is dead because I just had to go and make a drama out of my life. WHY THE FUCK AM I SO SELFISH? I miss her so fucking much. I wish I had just pet her before I left on Wednesday. If only I had some kind of sign that she was okay up there. I read the rainbow poem about animals in the afterlife, playing with other animals’ spirits and waiting for their owners to come. It really makes me want to die sooner so I could be with her.
Since she passed, I’ve been more depressed than ever. What is the point to living if we’re all going to die anyway? I’ve always known that my pets were the only things keeping me alive. What happens when they all pass on? Who will keep me here then? What will stop me from finally ending it all? I don’t even think I’d stay here for my own mother. One thing is for sure: I have to make sure to live ‘sinlessly’ until I finally do die. I have to make sure that I do make it to heaven, if it does exist at all. I’m completely uncertain about it; I am not a religious person. Well, actually, I’m agnostic (unsure). But don’t I have to have true faith in order to make it to heaven? I don’t think God takes negotiations. I guess that means I have to do some soul searching. No more sins from now on. I think I’ll google sins, just to make sure I’m not sinning at all. I know that sounds juvenile, but I have to make sure I see my babies again one day.
If I starve myself to death, does it count as suicide?
I miss my baby. Tibby misses her too, and I miss the old days.
I’ll never stop loving you, Turbo.
Wednesday, August 4, 2010
Day 4
Feeling Great; Feeling Strong. Capital G, capital S :)
today was so much better :) I had nothing until around 12:30 when I ate a 90 cal special k bar before my volunteering shift. During the shift, my stomach started grumbling so loud! Luckily, there was a thunder storm so I was able to hide it. Then we went grocery shopping- my dad bought so much junk! But I have done really well staying away from it, and I did buy a few low cal snack foods that should help with the cravings.
I'm so glad I was able to get over what happened yesterday. I don't know why it bothered me so much- I was in the shower for half an hour seriously about to cut myself- which I've never done before and really don't ever plan on starting. It was a stupid mistake- the problem is, I get so nervous around strangers that I don't know what to do or say so I'll just do whatever they tell me to do, and this guy was telling me to initial for my mom and tell this lady on the phone I was my mom so they could install something. So my dad came home and I told him what happened, he gave me hell for it and fixed everything. I'm so fucking stupid. See... life really would be better without me, would't it?
Today was a 400 cal day, and so far I have had:
- 90 cal bar (90, obviously)
- less than 1/2 cup brown rice with veggies and beans (1/2cup= 140)
- a couple chips (let's say...20?)
- I did have a piece of a brownie though :( (~100)
Total so far: 350
I am not baking until this is over- I just get upset that nobody's eating it and hate to see it go to waste. Or better yet, I'll make sure I only bake for special occasions- that is, holidays, family get togethers, etc so everyone will eat it :)
muahahahahahaha
Oh hey, did I mention I figured out an awesome way to keep from the kitchen? Mop. Get on your hands and knees and scrub the hell out of the tiles. Also, before that, completely disinfect EVERYTHING- counters, cupboards, appliances, etc. Now you have a squeaky clean kitchen, you burned lots and lots of calories, and you won't want to ruin it by eating and dropping crumbs everywhere :)
I do have another problem though: tomorrow is a 100 calorie day, and I'm watching my nephews (one is 3 and the other is 5) all day. That means, I'll be expected to make meals and snack for them, but can't eat myself. That wouldn't be a problem if the five year old didn't always ask me what I was eating or why I wasn't eating what they're eating. I just can't lie to the kid, so I always end up grabbing a small plate of whatever I make them. Tomorrow, I'll have to be strong and think of something, like 'I already ate' or something. 100 calorie days are never hard for me- but this one will be painful. I think I'll use up the rest of my calories today so I'm not as hungry in the morning.
today was so much better :) I had nothing until around 12:30 when I ate a 90 cal special k bar before my volunteering shift. During the shift, my stomach started grumbling so loud! Luckily, there was a thunder storm so I was able to hide it. Then we went grocery shopping- my dad bought so much junk! But I have done really well staying away from it, and I did buy a few low cal snack foods that should help with the cravings.
I'm so glad I was able to get over what happened yesterday. I don't know why it bothered me so much- I was in the shower for half an hour seriously about to cut myself- which I've never done before and really don't ever plan on starting. It was a stupid mistake- the problem is, I get so nervous around strangers that I don't know what to do or say so I'll just do whatever they tell me to do, and this guy was telling me to initial for my mom and tell this lady on the phone I was my mom so they could install something. So my dad came home and I told him what happened, he gave me hell for it and fixed everything. I'm so fucking stupid. See... life really would be better without me, would't it?
Today was a 400 cal day, and so far I have had:
- 90 cal bar (90, obviously)
- less than 1/2 cup brown rice with veggies and beans (1/2cup= 140)
- a couple chips (let's say...20?)
- I did have a piece of a brownie though :( (~100)
Total so far: 350
I am not baking until this is over- I just get upset that nobody's eating it and hate to see it go to waste. Or better yet, I'll make sure I only bake for special occasions- that is, holidays, family get togethers, etc so everyone will eat it :)
muahahahahahaha
Oh hey, did I mention I figured out an awesome way to keep from the kitchen? Mop. Get on your hands and knees and scrub the hell out of the tiles. Also, before that, completely disinfect EVERYTHING- counters, cupboards, appliances, etc. Now you have a squeaky clean kitchen, you burned lots and lots of calories, and you won't want to ruin it by eating and dropping crumbs everywhere :)
I do have another problem though: tomorrow is a 100 calorie day, and I'm watching my nephews (one is 3 and the other is 5) all day. That means, I'll be expected to make meals and snack for them, but can't eat myself. That wouldn't be a problem if the five year old didn't always ask me what I was eating or why I wasn't eating what they're eating. I just can't lie to the kid, so I always end up grabbing a small plate of whatever I make them. Tomorrow, I'll have to be strong and think of something, like 'I already ate' or something. 100 calorie days are never hard for me- but this one will be painful. I think I'll use up the rest of my calories today so I'm not as hungry in the morning.
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