I really want to eat something right now.. I'm sososo hungry and starting to feel sick..
But I can't physically bring myself to do it :/
Uh oh.

cereal - 180
chips - 200
Total- 380
That's it so far...

1 slice pizza= ~200
donut = 210
frozen lemonade = 120
iced mocha = 150
handful chips = 100

TOTAL 780
all right ...

Sorry Zach, I'm using this to calorie count tonight.
Please don't be mad, and please don't be sad.
And don't read this if it'll just upset you.

muffin- 410
smoothie - 130
root beer - 230
handful of chips - 150
cereal - 284

TOTAL: 1204
ugh

it's been a while

It's been a long time... probably over a year.. since I've felt how I feel right now.
I don't remember the last time I purposely went to bed hungry, or the last time I sat in bed for hours waiting for a wicked craving to subside, going between telling myself 'why bother, just go eat it anyway' and then reminding myself that the pain is good. It's a good feeling, really... feeling in control of something. Invisibly destroying myself. I just can't remember why, I just remember that it is...

I don't get it.
How in less than 12 hours, we go from being absolutely crazy about each other and planning out our future together,
to being so unsure and unsupportive of each other. And everything ending like this.
It's both our faults really. But maybe in the long run it makes sense..

I'm not running back this time. Even if I did, it would only affirm my belief that I'm the only one who ever tries for this relationship. I refuse to do it. Especially because I know we'll only be right back here when the next episode comes along. I'm tired of being the only one who gives a damn. And if he comes back to me after tonight, I sure as hell hope I don't take him back. Anyone who just sits there and watches me crash and burn, without saying the one thing that he knows could stop it all, is worth nothing to me. Someone who can go out with friends while his girlfriend is freaking out, is nothing to me. Someone who can sleep soundly even though his girlfriend told him she doesn't want to see him ever again, is nothing to me. I'm done.