Saturday, January 7, 2012
Tuesday, January 3, 2012
I'm still here...
and for once, I think I'm happy about it.
Zach read my blog, and I think he finally started to understand everything. After I gave him the link, as an attempt to give him some sort of clue as to why my behaviour is always so irrational and erratic, I re-read my posts from the very beginning. Well, we talked for a long time. We both realized we had things to change about ourselves (for the better, of course), but we didn't know if we should do this together or apart, but because we still love each other we decided to try it together. It was hard at first; I was completely broken after having lost the love of my life twice in two days over something that was completely my fault, yet at the same time I had no control over. And after discovering he had broken up with me because his friend, Benoit (see last post), told him that if he didn't by New Year's, he wouldn't be friends with him...so he chose Benoit... this jerk of a friend who he doesn't even care about, nor does he like most of the time...
That was the hardest thing to learn.. I'm still questioning his feelings for me, as well as mine for him.. and I'm doubting my ability to be loved. For now, I know that he loves me and I love him, and that's enough for me.
Right now, I am happier than I have been in a long time. It feels like I've been waken up; plucked out of the black hole that has plagued me for years. I've been off my anti-depressants for a week (which may have contributed to my super-psycho-bitch behaviours this past week..), and I feel more in control of my emotions than when I was on them. I'm finally able to cherish what I have and more than willing to change things to make my life better, and to finally allow true happiness with Zach. We agreed that I would continue to work on controlling my emotions, finding new coping mechanisms, and trying to recognize when I'm entering a bad mood so I can control it before it becomes overwhelming. We also said we'd try to hang out less to avoid becoming each other's coping mechanisms, so that at times when we don't have each other due to other commitments, we don't go insane (and by we, I mean me...).
And the biggest thing I promised, is that I'd give up cutting, smoking pot, drinking alcohol, my ED, and PT. Smoking and drinking will be easy...but it's the others I'm worried about. Cutting will be hard, especially since it's become comforting to see the scars. Watching them slowly disappear may make me upset at first, but I know that in the end I will be healthier and happier. And my ED, well, it's been a while since I've been stuck in the full swing of things, but I never really recovered from it..so it's going to be hard saying goodbye for good. And I know it doesn't just "go away", one of the most common misconceptions about eating disorders. I'm just going to have to talk to my psychiatrist about it and hope that my other coping mechanisms will help me through it. Finally, I'm afraid of giving up PT. The online community has been there for me at times I felt so alone.. but now I know I'm not, and I realize it only actually ever harmed me, so it's time to give it up so I can get better for good. I have Zach anyways, which is much more worth it.
So here's to a new year, and a new me. I know it's only been two days, but I've never felt so powerful and motivated before. I really think I can do it this time. I'm a couple days late, but here are my goals for the next year (and hopefully more) :
Zach read my blog, and I think he finally started to understand everything. After I gave him the link, as an attempt to give him some sort of clue as to why my behaviour is always so irrational and erratic, I re-read my posts from the very beginning. Well, we talked for a long time. We both realized we had things to change about ourselves (for the better, of course), but we didn't know if we should do this together or apart, but because we still love each other we decided to try it together. It was hard at first; I was completely broken after having lost the love of my life twice in two days over something that was completely my fault, yet at the same time I had no control over. And after discovering he had broken up with me because his friend, Benoit (see last post), told him that if he didn't by New Year's, he wouldn't be friends with him...so he chose Benoit... this jerk of a friend who he doesn't even care about, nor does he like most of the time...
That was the hardest thing to learn.. I'm still questioning his feelings for me, as well as mine for him.. and I'm doubting my ability to be loved. For now, I know that he loves me and I love him, and that's enough for me.
Right now, I am happier than I have been in a long time. It feels like I've been waken up; plucked out of the black hole that has plagued me for years. I've been off my anti-depressants for a week (which may have contributed to my super-psycho-bitch behaviours this past week..), and I feel more in control of my emotions than when I was on them. I'm finally able to cherish what I have and more than willing to change things to make my life better, and to finally allow true happiness with Zach. We agreed that I would continue to work on controlling my emotions, finding new coping mechanisms, and trying to recognize when I'm entering a bad mood so I can control it before it becomes overwhelming. We also said we'd try to hang out less to avoid becoming each other's coping mechanisms, so that at times when we don't have each other due to other commitments, we don't go insane (and by we, I mean me...).
And the biggest thing I promised, is that I'd give up cutting, smoking pot, drinking alcohol, my ED, and PT. Smoking and drinking will be easy...but it's the others I'm worried about. Cutting will be hard, especially since it's become comforting to see the scars. Watching them slowly disappear may make me upset at first, but I know that in the end I will be healthier and happier. And my ED, well, it's been a while since I've been stuck in the full swing of things, but I never really recovered from it..so it's going to be hard saying goodbye for good. And I know it doesn't just "go away", one of the most common misconceptions about eating disorders. I'm just going to have to talk to my psychiatrist about it and hope that my other coping mechanisms will help me through it. Finally, I'm afraid of giving up PT. The online community has been there for me at times I felt so alone.. but now I know I'm not, and I realize it only actually ever harmed me, so it's time to give it up so I can get better for good. I have Zach anyways, which is much more worth it.
So here's to a new year, and a new me. I know it's only been two days, but I've never felt so powerful and motivated before. I really think I can do it this time. I'm a couple days late, but here are my goals for the next year (and hopefully more) :
- Learn to play guitar
- Join (and go to) the gym (at least 3-4x per week)
- Get in shape (NOTE: not necessarily means lose weight)
- Other coping mechanisms, such as going on walks, writing [blog, songs, etc], studying, etc
- Study more (do all readings before class time, review all notes the next day)
- Get more sleep :)
- Get out of, and stay out of, debt!
- Spend more time with pets :)
- Do more leisure reading
- More time for friends and family
- Take more initiative to see doctor and psychiatrist more often
- LOVE ZACH! :)
more to be posted as I make them :)
Peace out:)
Saturday, December 31, 2011
Benoit Boulet.
I hope you're happy. I'm not a part of his life anymore because I'm not LIVING anymore.
Have a conscience yet? probably not.. you're a lifeless, careless piece of worthless shit.
I hope you choke and die.
Sincerely,
A dead girl.
Have a conscience yet? probably not.. you're a lifeless, careless piece of worthless shit.
I hope you choke and die.
Sincerely,
A dead girl.
Ultimatum: mine or his?
Zach and I broke up...then got back together and broke up again..
So now I'm left here..alone..don't really know where to go from here.
I kind of gave him an ultimatum..by midnight if he doesn't take me back, then I'm gone forever...
But I feel like that's more of an ultimatum for me..
I feel like if he takes me back, I'll be happy (or at least try) and I'll finally feel like I deserve the life I've always wanted...
But if not..well, it's back into this hole.
I guess my ultimatum is: Zach, a guy who loves me and just wants me to be happy..even if it means he isn't happy. Or depression and PT: a loveless pit where nobody cares and you are your own target. A deep hole that once you're in, it's nearly impossible to get out. I'm scared for that. I don't want that. And I hate that it took losing the only person I've ever cared about to realize that.
I pray to God I deserve to be happy. I pray to God I deserve Zach.
Please God..
So now I'm left here..alone..don't really know where to go from here.
I kind of gave him an ultimatum..by midnight if he doesn't take me back, then I'm gone forever...
But I feel like that's more of an ultimatum for me..
I feel like if he takes me back, I'll be happy (or at least try) and I'll finally feel like I deserve the life I've always wanted...
But if not..well, it's back into this hole.
I guess my ultimatum is: Zach, a guy who loves me and just wants me to be happy..even if it means he isn't happy. Or depression and PT: a loveless pit where nobody cares and you are your own target. A deep hole that once you're in, it's nearly impossible to get out. I'm scared for that. I don't want that. And I hate that it took losing the only person I've ever cared about to realize that.
I pray to God I deserve to be happy. I pray to God I deserve Zach.
Please God..
My first PT post in almost a year...
So I posted a reply to a post about someone not wanting to recover, and not wishing for people to say "Get help..you'll feel better eventually". This is an excerpt of my reply, which I just wanted to post here because I got a lot out I've never been able to voice before. The main thing is the argument of 'You're selfish because you want to commit suicide', as well as how scary it actually is to live with depression and an ED. Well, here it is...
* * *
In the past four months I've had three suicide attempts and spent a week in a psych facility.. I don't eat because I simply just want to hurt myself that way. I don't want to be skinny or whatever... I just don't want to be here. I don't understand why other people can be so selfish as to say I'm selfish for not wanting to live every single day of the rest of my life in absolute misery. I have no control over my emotions. One simple thing sends me off the walls.. People don't understand how terrifying that is..that even when you're happy, you're scared because any moment your mind can bring you into a deep, dark hole and crush any positive emotions you may have previously possessed... And I'm the selfish one? They just want me here so they don't have to hurt for a week or whatever. They'll get over it.. I won't ever get over staying here.
--
One cut, two cuts, three cuts, four
the blood dripping down, I want more and more
Trace the scars, threaten the veins
Fuck it, I don't want this life anymore.
the blood dripping down, I want more and more
Trace the scars, threaten the veins
Fuck it, I don't want this life anymore.
Friday, December 30, 2011
Starting new
I've been triggered.
Recovery was all right.. just wasn't for me.
I'm back bitches.
miss me?
Recovery was all right.. just wasn't for me.
I'm back bitches.
miss me?
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