One day.
I give myself one day to find a reason to live.
A reason that, despite this black hole that surrounds me, makes me feels that there is a light at the end of the tunnel.
I thought I saw it once, but that was my delusion.
If I can't find something that makes me [relatively] happy on any given day.. i.e. tomorrow.. then what reason do I have to stay?
One day.
Midnight is my deadline.
Heh.. dead-line.. what sick humour I have.
Let tomorrow be the last day I feel sorrow, self-loathing, anxiety, depression.
Let tomorrow be the last day I feel the sun warm my body. Oh, spring...
Let tomorrow be the last day I will ever utter his name.
I'm tired of waiting to pull the trigger when the weapon is loaded right here.

You once said you'd love me forever.

You once promised me you'd never give up.
You once said I was worth it.

You once said we were perfect for each other.



But I've come to realize that they were all
just


lies.

I feel..

pathetic
stupid
foolish
heartless
uncaring
uncared for
worthless
weak
unlovable
wreckless
uncontrollable
pessimistic
fucked
fucked over
fucked up
played
fat
ugly
mean
rude
bitchy
insensitive
uncompassionate
hollow
unreliable
indignified
shallow
unworthy
unloved.
I guess the world eventually sees right through you.
time to smoke one anyway, screw school. screw expectations. screw everything.

Urges

I lost every part of me that I care about today. I realized that I am the worthless person I always thought myself to be..
I successfully destroyed my relationship, time to move on to myself.
Urges, oh the urges.
Urges to accidentally cut too deep.
Urges to not eat until the pain takes over.
Urges to work out until I pass out.
Urges to drink and smoke all the sorrows away.
Urges to cease to exist. Ohh, that's a nice one.
Which urge will I fulfill today?
Trick question.
All of them.

*** (From A Rose Amongst Thorns)
Abandoned :
1. To withdraw one's support or help from, especially in spite of duty, allegiance, or responsibility; desert: abandon a friend in trouble.
2. To give up by leaving or ceasing to operate or inhabit, especially as a result of danger or other impending threat: abandoned the ship.
3. To surrender one's claim to, right to, or interest in; give up entirely.
4. To cease trying to continue; desist from: abandoned the search for the missing girl.
5. To yield (oneself) completely, as to emotion.

**
"Sometimes I feel like I'm not... solid. I'm hollow. There's nothing behind my eyes. I'm a negative of a person. It's as if I never - -I never thought anything. I never wrote anything. I never felt anything."
"We're not even two people. Even before we met, we were just these two halves, walking around with big gaping holes in the shape like the other person. And when we found each other we were finally whole. And then it was as if we couldn't stand being happy so we ripped ourselves in half again."

Zach, if you're reading this, I want you to never come back to this site again. There's really no reason to. I seriously dislike you right now. Looking back on us makes me sad for how serious we thought we were, but we were just children pretending we knew what love is. This isn't love.

Sometimes, you have to let something die in order to grow.

I'm done hurting you, and I'm done being hurt. You were right, I'm stupid, irrational, insensitive, and uncaring. You do deserve better.

fuck this.

+.+

It's hard to just give in when your mind is screaming for you not to.
but, because I love him, I'm going to try harder..
I don't really know what will make me happy, but I know that his happiness means the world to me. As long as I can keep him happy, I have strength to keep fighting this.

I'm hungry.

I;m really high and i wanna remember these thoughts.
need to up fitness routine.. and lower cals.. sowie
well, i kind of got trigerred the other day and so my old habits flooded back.
new goal:115 2.5 weeks- haven't been weighed recently, will do later. around 120 lbs
ug: 100by may.
upping my 2 hours to 2.5 hours, then to 3 of fitness per day
downing calories down to 1000, then gradually decrease from there, hopefully 500 in weeks.
good luck.
xx
I'll leave with a reminder on how you actually feel so you don't lose focus:
food=anger, self resentment, guilt, sadness.. later, dispairity,
more = nothing. you're nothing.
I won't stop until I'm happy with myself and my life. or, until I die.
they're trying to control you,
but if you're going out,
you're going out in your own way.
make yourself appear so thin, fragile, and delicate as your soul.
xx

Christina Aguilera.
She's just fucking gorgeous.

Perfect abs,

Perfect thighs,

Perfect breasts,

just perfect.

ugh.