Zach and I broke up...then got back together and broke up again..
So now I'm left here..alone..don't really know where to go from here.
I kind of gave him an ultimatum..by midnight if he doesn't take me back, then I'm gone forever...
But I feel like that's more of an ultimatum for me..
I feel like if he takes me back, I'll be happy (or at least try) and I'll finally feel like I deserve the life I've always wanted...
But if not..well, it's back into this hole.
I guess my ultimatum is: Zach, a guy who loves me and just wants me to be happy..even if it means he isn't happy. Or depression and PT: a loveless pit where nobody cares and you are your own target. A deep hole that once you're in, it's nearly impossible to get out. I'm scared for that. I don't want that. And I hate that it took losing the only person I've ever cared about to realize that.
I pray to God I deserve to be happy. I pray to God I deserve Zach.
Please God..
Saturday, December 31, 2011
My first PT post in almost a year...
So I posted a reply to a post about someone not wanting to recover, and not wishing for people to say "Get help..you'll feel better eventually". This is an excerpt of my reply, which I just wanted to post here because I got a lot out I've never been able to voice before. The main thing is the argument of 'You're selfish because you want to commit suicide', as well as how scary it actually is to live with depression and an ED. Well, here it is...
* * *
In the past four months I've had three suicide attempts and spent a week in a psych facility.. I don't eat because I simply just want to hurt myself that way. I don't want to be skinny or whatever... I just don't want to be here. I don't understand why other people can be so selfish as to say I'm selfish for not wanting to live every single day of the rest of my life in absolute misery. I have no control over my emotions. One simple thing sends me off the walls.. People don't understand how terrifying that is..that even when you're happy, you're scared because any moment your mind can bring you into a deep, dark hole and crush any positive emotions you may have previously possessed... And I'm the selfish one? They just want me here so they don't have to hurt for a week or whatever. They'll get over it.. I won't ever get over staying here.
--
One cut, two cuts, three cuts, four
the blood dripping down, I want more and more
Trace the scars, threaten the veins
Fuck it, I don't want this life anymore.
the blood dripping down, I want more and more
Trace the scars, threaten the veins
Fuck it, I don't want this life anymore.
Friday, December 30, 2011
Starting new
I've been triggered.
Recovery was all right.. just wasn't for me.
I'm back bitches.
miss me?
Recovery was all right.. just wasn't for me.
I'm back bitches.
miss me?
Thursday, December 15, 2011
because who gives two fucks...
update: the night of the last post I ingested over 9 g of acetominophen. The next day, my boyfriend took me to emerg where unfortunately they gave me this 'antidote' before any liver damage occurred. Spent like 3 or 4 days in the psychiatric inpatient unit. That place is a joke. They pretend they care if you actually get better and you pretend they actually helped you. You tell them what you want to hear and get out fast and revert to the same old moods and self-destruction.
current mood: who gives a f%&#
and right now, I don't give a fuck about me, my life, or anything else in it. I want to be done..
Unfortunately I've just said some rather nasty words to my 'caring' boyfriend and don't want to slip into paradise leaving him with that.
It would be nice if for once, the universe would let me just be happy.. and to stay happy if it would so inclined.
boys are asses. Fuck them (not literally..)
peac- aww who fucking gives a shit
current mood: who gives a f%&#
and right now, I don't give a fuck about me, my life, or anything else in it. I want to be done..
Unfortunately I've just said some rather nasty words to my 'caring' boyfriend and don't want to slip into paradise leaving him with that.
It would be nice if for once, the universe would let me just be happy.. and to stay happy if it would so inclined.
boys are asses. Fuck them (not literally..)
peac- aww who fucking gives a shit
Sunday, November 27, 2011
DONE (again..)
Meds don't work.
Happiness is unachievable
Nobody cares.
Everyone fakes.
Life lesson: You're alone. Either You Make it or You Don't.
Well, ...
You Don't.
twas good everyone. <3
I love you Zach,
Happiness is unachievable
Nobody cares.
Everyone fakes.
Life lesson: You're alone. Either You Make it or You Don't.
Well, ...
You Don't.
twas good everyone. <3
I love you Zach,
Tuesday, October 18, 2011
"You see her sitting there and you think 'she's so sad'
but it's not that she's sad, she's simply given up on pretending to be happy,
she's tired of getting up every morning and putting on her fake smile,
telling herself 'today will be better'.
She doesn't want to be an inconvenience or a bother anymore...she has stopped looking for the light switch in the dark room she calls her life."
This was a post I found on the tumblr of a 15 year old gay teen at my old high school. He was suffering from depression and bullying for a long time. He hid it well for a while; he loved to sing, and everyone loved to watch him perform. If you saw him in the halls, no matter how stressed about school or life you were, a smile would instantly escape the shadows and make a home on your face. He was popular and loved and so, so talented. Earlier this year, his facade died and he came out with his depression, posting in his tumblr and few suicidal statuses on facebook. Around this time, he also started to accept himself as who he was: i.e. gay. Thus commenced the attacks (which I assume still started before he outted himself, as he was a flambuoyant boy, but he became significantly more open about his sexuality after his outting, prompting bullies to seek their prey).
Last Friday night, October 14, 2011, he was simply pushed beyond the breaking point and had nowhere else to turn. He overdosed and died later that night.
Watching this boy, who was much younger than I am, publicly struggle with the hidden demons I face and end his life in such a way has triggered me beyond belief.
Admittedly, I've been doing better recently. I got put on cipralex in August before school started. dealt with some nasty side effects for a while, but then the moods started to get a bit better (note: not completely). I still have about 2 really bad nights a week, but overall the depression is lifting. However, the pills have only helped my depression, and the anxiety I had before is coming to the surface, which makes the bad nights that much worse. I've been cutting again and a few weeks ago I got taken to the hospital by my boyfriend and his dad after I overdosed on tylenol, codeine, and advil. This caused a chain of event within my family, after my mother found out (Zach's dad made him tell her)..and now my oldest brother. All of them are trying to 'cure' me, but it's just making it worse. This was supposed to be my little secret. Only I was supposed to suffer through this, and now the entire world knows my deepest, darkest thoughts.
So, reading his tumblr, I realize how similar our thoughts and tendencies were. To be honest, it's kind of triggering me more, but reading his posts are so addicting. Kind of like the black hole that sucked me in when I found PT, where every thought was possessed by my ED. I can't stop reading, and finding similar tumblr accounts, and I know it's going to hurt me in the long run. My suicidal thoughts have not subsided and I'm worried..nay, not worried, because in order to worry I'd actually have to care whether I was dead or alive, but for lack of a better word let's go with worried.. that another attempt may be creeping up on me. The only things keeping me here, in my private hell, are my pets (lol..), family, and most of all, Zach. He makes me start to believe that things may actually get better, and part of me wants to wait it out and see if it comes true. A larger part of me doesn't care. It can only see me continuing this way into a gray future filled with lost hopes, broken dreams, and fake smiles. I'm so tired these days, which may be caused by my depression or the pills. I can't go three hours after waking up without feeling so drained that I need to sleep again. I just want to sleep forever.
This was originally supposed to be a post about the boy, whose name I won't say because I know people will be googling it and I don't want my friends to find my blog, but has turned into some sort of stress-relieving journal entry for me.. Idk, my attention span has been dying, too.
I forget what else I was going to write, so I guess I finish here.
I'm gonna go study some psychology. Peace out.
but it's not that she's sad, she's simply given up on pretending to be happy,
she's tired of getting up every morning and putting on her fake smile,
telling herself 'today will be better'.
She doesn't want to be an inconvenience or a bother anymore...she has stopped looking for the light switch in the dark room she calls her life."
This was a post I found on the tumblr of a 15 year old gay teen at my old high school. He was suffering from depression and bullying for a long time. He hid it well for a while; he loved to sing, and everyone loved to watch him perform. If you saw him in the halls, no matter how stressed about school or life you were, a smile would instantly escape the shadows and make a home on your face. He was popular and loved and so, so talented. Earlier this year, his facade died and he came out with his depression, posting in his tumblr and few suicidal statuses on facebook. Around this time, he also started to accept himself as who he was: i.e. gay. Thus commenced the attacks (which I assume still started before he outted himself, as he was a flambuoyant boy, but he became significantly more open about his sexuality after his outting, prompting bullies to seek their prey).
Last Friday night, October 14, 2011, he was simply pushed beyond the breaking point and had nowhere else to turn. He overdosed and died later that night.
Watching this boy, who was much younger than I am, publicly struggle with the hidden demons I face and end his life in such a way has triggered me beyond belief.
Admittedly, I've been doing better recently. I got put on cipralex in August before school started. dealt with some nasty side effects for a while, but then the moods started to get a bit better (note: not completely). I still have about 2 really bad nights a week, but overall the depression is lifting. However, the pills have only helped my depression, and the anxiety I had before is coming to the surface, which makes the bad nights that much worse. I've been cutting again and a few weeks ago I got taken to the hospital by my boyfriend and his dad after I overdosed on tylenol, codeine, and advil. This caused a chain of event within my family, after my mother found out (Zach's dad made him tell her)..and now my oldest brother. All of them are trying to 'cure' me, but it's just making it worse. This was supposed to be my little secret. Only I was supposed to suffer through this, and now the entire world knows my deepest, darkest thoughts.
So, reading his tumblr, I realize how similar our thoughts and tendencies were. To be honest, it's kind of triggering me more, but reading his posts are so addicting. Kind of like the black hole that sucked me in when I found PT, where every thought was possessed by my ED. I can't stop reading, and finding similar tumblr accounts, and I know it's going to hurt me in the long run. My suicidal thoughts have not subsided and I'm worried..nay, not worried, because in order to worry I'd actually have to care whether I was dead or alive, but for lack of a better word let's go with worried.. that another attempt may be creeping up on me. The only things keeping me here, in my private hell, are my pets (lol..), family, and most of all, Zach. He makes me start to believe that things may actually get better, and part of me wants to wait it out and see if it comes true. A larger part of me doesn't care. It can only see me continuing this way into a gray future filled with lost hopes, broken dreams, and fake smiles. I'm so tired these days, which may be caused by my depression or the pills. I can't go three hours after waking up without feeling so drained that I need to sleep again. I just want to sleep forever.
This was originally supposed to be a post about the boy, whose name I won't say because I know people will be googling it and I don't want my friends to find my blog, but has turned into some sort of stress-relieving journal entry for me.. Idk, my attention span has been dying, too.
I forget what else I was going to write, so I guess I finish here.
I'm gonna go study some psychology. Peace out.
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