What does depression feel like?
It feels like you're walking in public, wanting to scream at the top of your lungs, but people will think you're crazy (meanwhile you know you are). So you hold it in, and the tension builds and builds until you feel like you're about to explode.
It feels like even when there are a million reasons to stay, there's a few that are screaming for you to go.
It feels like you don't even know who you are. Are you really who you were a year ago? A week ago? Yesterday? What does having an identity feel like? Who the fuck are you?
It feels like... nothing, and everything, all at once. It's butterflies in the stomach, static in the mind. It's screaming from the inside and the greatest silence in one. You don't know up from down anymore.
It feels like the devil is whispering in your ear. You're worthless. Hopeless. Why are you even here? What's the point? When will it get better? All your insecurities are in the spotlight. And they're all true.
It feels like the calm before the storm. Even when you're happy, you know it's soon to be taken away from you. You don't deserve happiness. You deserve pain, and you thrive on it.
You want to rip yourself open, free all the demons inside you before they destroy you first. You don't want to live the rest of your life like this, but there is no alternative.
But if you let yourself go into the unknown, you'll be judged. Suicide is selfish. Suicide is cowardly. Suicide is shameful.
But they just don't understand.
Selfish is everyone else wanting to keep me here in this eternal pain. Selfish is watching me suffer without lifting a finger to help. Selfish is ignoring the warning signs because you think they won't do it; they're just attention whores. You say I'm selfish? Many of my friends are dead, but the pain felt from depression is far greater than the grievance of a fallen friend. It's not something that can be comforted. It's not something that heals with time.
Cowardly? Fine. I'll take that. I'd rather die a coward than live a tortured soul. But I'm afraid. What is there after life? Probably nothing. So what happens to my soul? Death is scary for everyone, but for a person with depression, life is scarier. So yeah, I'm a fucking coward. But that's my problem, not yours.
Shameful? I'm sorry I disgraced your name with my shameful exit. But you're the shameful one. You watched it happen. You made empty promises. You abandoned me. You judged. Only God can judge, right?
That's what depression feels like.
Saturday, March 16, 2013
Monday, November 12, 2012
don't remember feeling this way in a long time..
I feel empty. completely empty. there's hardly anything to talk about because really, nothing matters.
walking is hard. I feel like I'm walking in slow motion. The images aren't going away, either, and they're becoming more prominent.The message is clear--I want for me to die. Everywhere I look I see some way that I could kill myself. Walking by a second story window at all the little happy people just makes me sad. Nobody would notice if I just slipped away. I look out the window at the gray, uncaring world, unchanged by my presence or absence in it.
It would be nice, to not live anymore. But what happens next? Do I just slip into an eternal blissful sleep? Or does blackness just creep over me until my mind disappears? Is there an afterlife?
That's what's holding me back. If religion is true, then surely I'd suffer in hell for eternity. If there is no afterlife, what happens to the soul?
I want to find the highest point I can and step out onto the ledge with my toes lingering over the drop. I want the wind to tingle my fingers and my face. I want to say one last goodbye then freefall. Feel the wind pushing me back, feel the rise and drop in my stomach. And then watch the earth come closer and closer.
This is how I want to die.
I feel empty. completely empty. there's hardly anything to talk about because really, nothing matters.
walking is hard. I feel like I'm walking in slow motion. The images aren't going away, either, and they're becoming more prominent.The message is clear--I want for me to die. Everywhere I look I see some way that I could kill myself. Walking by a second story window at all the little happy people just makes me sad. Nobody would notice if I just slipped away. I look out the window at the gray, uncaring world, unchanged by my presence or absence in it.
It would be nice, to not live anymore. But what happens next? Do I just slip into an eternal blissful sleep? Or does blackness just creep over me until my mind disappears? Is there an afterlife?
That's what's holding me back. If religion is true, then surely I'd suffer in hell for eternity. If there is no afterlife, what happens to the soul?
I want to find the highest point I can and step out onto the ledge with my toes lingering over the drop. I want the wind to tingle my fingers and my face. I want to say one last goodbye then freefall. Feel the wind pushing me back, feel the rise and drop in my stomach. And then watch the earth come closer and closer.
This is how I want to die.
Monday, August 6, 2012
Tuesday, July 31, 2012
Sunday, July 22, 2012
I feel like I belong in a mental institution
After months of being 'numb', it crashes back down with a vengeance.
I thought the numbness was a good sign. It's at least better than the depression/anxiety that has plagued my adolescence. I thought it was my bridge to happiness. At least there were times I could feel happy and enjoy what I have.
But now it's back and I don't feel relatively sane anymore. To say I hate this feeling is the worst. This feeling truly makes me want to claw my stomach apart, scratch my face, rip my hair out..jump off a bridge. Anything. Anything to make the feeling go away.
I can't even describe the constant feeling that doesn't go away, doesn't weaken.
It's almost like a strong anxiety; like vicious butterflies attacking my insides, the unsettling feeling strong in my stomach and builds all the way up to my chest, where my heart races and feels like it's thumping hard in my chest. A choking feeling in my throat, like I'm trying to hold back tears all the time. Nothing's happened that has made me want to cry, yet the feeling has been there all day, without a break. My head hurts. Probably from all the racing thoughts that fleet through my head, so brief that I can't even put into a sentence what I'm thinking about. But all of them are bad. All of them feel like some evil force inside my head trying to bring me down.
I can't eat, and I don't know if it's because I don't want to eat, or if I actually can't. I want to stand on the highest rooftop and just scream. Liberate the demons inside me.
Too many thoughts. Too much racing inside me. I can't even decide what to do. I want Zach here, or do I? I DON'T EVEN KNOW. And it breaks my heart that I can't explain the reason to him. Not that he wouldn't understand; explaining all this is just way too difficult for me. It's hard to put such a feeling into words.
I feel like the only way to make it all stop is to release it. The only way to do that is to cut...
But Zach would be sad. and I don't want to make him sad.
Ugh, I don't know what to do :/
I thought the numbness was a good sign. It's at least better than the depression/anxiety that has plagued my adolescence. I thought it was my bridge to happiness. At least there were times I could feel happy and enjoy what I have.
But now it's back and I don't feel relatively sane anymore. To say I hate this feeling is the worst. This feeling truly makes me want to claw my stomach apart, scratch my face, rip my hair out..jump off a bridge. Anything. Anything to make the feeling go away.
I can't even describe the constant feeling that doesn't go away, doesn't weaken.
It's almost like a strong anxiety; like vicious butterflies attacking my insides, the unsettling feeling strong in my stomach and builds all the way up to my chest, where my heart races and feels like it's thumping hard in my chest. A choking feeling in my throat, like I'm trying to hold back tears all the time. Nothing's happened that has made me want to cry, yet the feeling has been there all day, without a break. My head hurts. Probably from all the racing thoughts that fleet through my head, so brief that I can't even put into a sentence what I'm thinking about. But all of them are bad. All of them feel like some evil force inside my head trying to bring me down.
I can't eat, and I don't know if it's because I don't want to eat, or if I actually can't. I want to stand on the highest rooftop and just scream. Liberate the demons inside me.
Too many thoughts. Too much racing inside me. I can't even decide what to do. I want Zach here, or do I? I DON'T EVEN KNOW. And it breaks my heart that I can't explain the reason to him. Not that he wouldn't understand; explaining all this is just way too difficult for me. It's hard to put such a feeling into words.
I feel like the only way to make it all stop is to release it. The only way to do that is to cut...
But Zach would be sad. and I don't want to make him sad.
Ugh, I don't know what to do :/
Monday, July 2, 2012
DO NOT CALL
He's waiting for ME to call HIM. But I just have to remember that if I do, it's just going to come crashing down again in a matter of weeks...
There will be more lying, pretending, talking behind my back. There will be more pain--not the good kind.
If he doesn't want to try, then neither do I. He gives up just as easily as I do, so maybe that's reason enough to call it quits.
must think of new blog name....
There will be more lying, pretending, talking behind my back. There will be more pain--not the good kind.
If he doesn't want to try, then neither do I. He gives up just as easily as I do, so maybe that's reason enough to call it quits.
must think of new blog name....
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