After months of being 'numb', it crashes back down with a vengeance.
I thought the numbness was a good sign. It's at least better than the depression/anxiety that has plagued my adolescence. I thought it was my bridge to happiness. At least there were times I could feel happy and enjoy what I have.
But now it's back and I don't feel relatively sane anymore. To say I hate this feeling is the worst. This feeling truly makes me want to claw my stomach apart, scratch my face, rip my hair out..jump off a bridge. Anything. Anything to make the feeling go away.
I can't even describe the constant feeling that doesn't go away, doesn't weaken.
It's almost like a strong anxiety; like vicious butterflies attacking my insides, the unsettling feeling strong in my stomach and builds all the way up to my chest, where my heart races and feels like it's thumping hard in my chest. A choking feeling in my throat, like I'm trying to hold back tears all the time. Nothing's happened that has made me want to cry, yet the feeling has been there all day, without a break. My head hurts. Probably from all the racing thoughts that fleet through my head, so brief that I can't even put into a sentence what I'm thinking about. But all of them are bad. All of them feel like some evil force inside my head trying to bring me down.
I can't eat, and I don't know if it's because I don't want to eat, or if I actually can't. I want to stand on the highest rooftop and just scream. Liberate the demons inside me.
Too many thoughts. Too much racing inside me. I can't even decide what to do. I want Zach here, or do I? I DON'T EVEN KNOW. And it breaks my heart that I can't explain the reason to him. Not that he wouldn't understand; explaining all this is just way too difficult for me. It's hard to put such a feeling into words.
I feel like the only way to make it all stop is to release it. The only way to do that is to cut...
But Zach would be sad. and I don't want to make him sad.
Ugh, I don't know what to do :/
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