unlovable

I can't get a grip right now.
I can't be perfect for you. It's not fair that that's what you want from me. I slip up under the constant pressure and just once and I'm not worth being in your life. It's not fair. You fuck up too.
All I wanted was for you to think I was beautiful, sexy. I put myself out there and got nothing back.
They say "forgive him, you love him", but love isn't everything you know.
I could love you to the moon and back and it wouldn't mean anything to you.
Am I really that unlovable? You can't decide if you want me, so you look for any reason to say you don't. You don't want to deal with me. Am I that much to deal with?
I feel sick, shaky. I can't believe this is happening. I fucked up, but you did too. It's not fair that it's always on me.
I hate you so fucking much it's unreal. But I love you so fucking much too and that's what I hate the most.
I don't want to eat anymore. I don't deserve it, I don't deserve to live either. I just want to not eat until I disappear. I don't want to deal with these emotions anymore.
So that's it, I'm not eating anymore. You can call it a hunger strike, until I feel like I'm worth living; but the reality is I'm all I've got, and if I stop fighting for myself nobody's going to do it for me.
I'm done eating. Forever. I'm disgusting, disgusting, disgusting, revolting. I want to throw up at the thought of myself. I don't want to be in my skin anymore.
I think part of myself is hoping he'll realize he was wrong and apologize. And part of me wants to say 'shove it, I deserve better' and the other part wants to try better for him but I know the problem isn't just me. And then I remember, he doesn't want you. He's not going to realize that, and even if he miraculously did he's a lot stronger than you, he'll never come to you. For once, I'm not going to apologize. Maybe I deserve better, maybe he does too. I'd rather be alone anyway. I hate people, I hate everyone, I hate this life and I hate every fucking part of it.
I really just want to die but I can't do that to myself. So I won't eat and hope that this all just works itself out.
Peace