I've lost all motivation to do anything. Study, go to work, see friends, watch tv, play with my cats, go to the gym/gymnastics. I do what I have to do to live and that's it. I told my psychiatrist today that I was having violent mood swings daily and he called that 'normal'. I think he's an idiot and shouldn't be in that position. He also claims I have a drinking problem. I drink maybe twice a month at most, but because I drink to get drunk/pass out, it's a problem. Fuck him. He just sits there and judges me the entire time I'm there. I hate seeing him.
I don't want to do anything. Why can't, just once, I fall asleep and never wake up. Is that so much to ask?
They say it helps to make plans for the future, so here's my plan. I give myself until next Wednesday to snap out of this. To find something that makes me even remotely happy again. I'm tired of feeling like this and hearing 'it will get better' 'you'll feel better' 'what would everyone else think if you killed yourself'. Right now, I don't give a shit. Why am I selfish for wanting out of this hellhole? I can only name a few who would be affected by it anyway. And even then, they'll move on. I've been living like this for way too long and can't take it anymore. I constantly feel so ridiculously sad and like I want to cry all the fucking time. I'm just irritated by people. I'm tired of faking a smile at work. It's the only place I have the energy to fake it anymore; everywhere else- school, with friends, doctors offices, home- I'm just dead, inside and out.
So, one week, things get better or I'm fucking done with this shit.
Thursday, May 23, 2013
Tuesday, May 21, 2013
Forgive and forget
I feel like I'm the poster child for the saying forgive and forget. I've been wronged by so many people and I instantly forgive them and forget it happened. Now that doesn't mean I'm dumb enough to let them hurt me, it means I'm not going to hold hatred for them. I might stop talking to them, get them out of my life, or just put up an emotional wall, but if you wrong me I forgive easily. Sometimes it sucks, I just want to be mad. I want to be mad at my parents for splitting up and finding new families, leaving their old one in the dust. For making me feel like not even my own parents love me. For not protecting me from all this. I want to be mad at the friends who ditched me for popularity. Who saw me going through a rough time and told me I'm selfish and a bad friend and never talking to me again. I want to be mad at Zach for moving on so fast, doing things with her he never did with me. Making me feel like I really was nothing to him. Well at least he's happier and better off now.
I want to be mad at Paul, but I don't have anything to really be mad about. I put myself in this situation by establishing a sexual relationship before a friendship. I defined our relationship and now I have to deal with that. I knew he didn't want a relationship, I knew he was still struggling with getting over his past relationships, and I knew he's probably just looking for sex. Well, you can't be mad at him for that, he made it clear from the start. I can only be mad at myself for falling for him anyway.
See, I just don't have it in me to be mad at other people. There's just no reason to hold hate. It's a quality I both love and hate about myself. It causes me so much pain to just put a smile on through all this bullshit. What did I do to deserve this?
I want to be mad at Paul, but I don't have anything to really be mad about. I put myself in this situation by establishing a sexual relationship before a friendship. I defined our relationship and now I have to deal with that. I knew he didn't want a relationship, I knew he was still struggling with getting over his past relationships, and I knew he's probably just looking for sex. Well, you can't be mad at him for that, he made it clear from the start. I can only be mad at myself for falling for him anyway.
See, I just don't have it in me to be mad at other people. There's just no reason to hold hate. It's a quality I both love and hate about myself. It causes me so much pain to just put a smile on through all this bullshit. What did I do to deserve this?
Monday, May 20, 2013
Panic attack?
Symptoms-- choking feeling, racing heart, racing thoughts, upset stomach, hot flashes, heart pounding, feel nauseous. Yep, it's a panic attack. oh great.
Calm down, don't fall into this again.
I don't want to fall into this again.
Calm down, don't fall into this again.
I don't want to fall into this again.
Saturday, March 16, 2013
What does depression feel like?
It feels like you're walking in public, wanting to scream at the top of your lungs, but people will think you're crazy (meanwhile you know you are). So you hold it in, and the tension builds and builds until you feel like you're about to explode.
It feels like even when there are a million reasons to stay, there's a few that are screaming for you to go.
It feels like you don't even know who you are. Are you really who you were a year ago? A week ago? Yesterday? What does having an identity feel like? Who the fuck are you?
It feels like... nothing, and everything, all at once. It's butterflies in the stomach, static in the mind. It's screaming from the inside and the greatest silence in one. You don't know up from down anymore.
It feels like the devil is whispering in your ear. You're worthless. Hopeless. Why are you even here? What's the point? When will it get better? All your insecurities are in the spotlight. And they're all true.
It feels like the calm before the storm. Even when you're happy, you know it's soon to be taken away from you. You don't deserve happiness. You deserve pain, and you thrive on it.
You want to rip yourself open, free all the demons inside you before they destroy you first. You don't want to live the rest of your life like this, but there is no alternative.
But if you let yourself go into the unknown, you'll be judged. Suicide is selfish. Suicide is cowardly. Suicide is shameful.
But they just don't understand.
Selfish is everyone else wanting to keep me here in this eternal pain. Selfish is watching me suffer without lifting a finger to help. Selfish is ignoring the warning signs because you think they won't do it; they're just attention whores. You say I'm selfish? Many of my friends are dead, but the pain felt from depression is far greater than the grievance of a fallen friend. It's not something that can be comforted. It's not something that heals with time.
Cowardly? Fine. I'll take that. I'd rather die a coward than live a tortured soul. But I'm afraid. What is there after life? Probably nothing. So what happens to my soul? Death is scary for everyone, but for a person with depression, life is scarier. So yeah, I'm a fucking coward. But that's my problem, not yours.
Shameful? I'm sorry I disgraced your name with my shameful exit. But you're the shameful one. You watched it happen. You made empty promises. You abandoned me. You judged. Only God can judge, right?
That's what depression feels like.
It feels like you're walking in public, wanting to scream at the top of your lungs, but people will think you're crazy (meanwhile you know you are). So you hold it in, and the tension builds and builds until you feel like you're about to explode.
It feels like even when there are a million reasons to stay, there's a few that are screaming for you to go.
It feels like you don't even know who you are. Are you really who you were a year ago? A week ago? Yesterday? What does having an identity feel like? Who the fuck are you?
It feels like... nothing, and everything, all at once. It's butterflies in the stomach, static in the mind. It's screaming from the inside and the greatest silence in one. You don't know up from down anymore.
It feels like the devil is whispering in your ear. You're worthless. Hopeless. Why are you even here? What's the point? When will it get better? All your insecurities are in the spotlight. And they're all true.
It feels like the calm before the storm. Even when you're happy, you know it's soon to be taken away from you. You don't deserve happiness. You deserve pain, and you thrive on it.
You want to rip yourself open, free all the demons inside you before they destroy you first. You don't want to live the rest of your life like this, but there is no alternative.
But if you let yourself go into the unknown, you'll be judged. Suicide is selfish. Suicide is cowardly. Suicide is shameful.
But they just don't understand.
Selfish is everyone else wanting to keep me here in this eternal pain. Selfish is watching me suffer without lifting a finger to help. Selfish is ignoring the warning signs because you think they won't do it; they're just attention whores. You say I'm selfish? Many of my friends are dead, but the pain felt from depression is far greater than the grievance of a fallen friend. It's not something that can be comforted. It's not something that heals with time.
Cowardly? Fine. I'll take that. I'd rather die a coward than live a tortured soul. But I'm afraid. What is there after life? Probably nothing. So what happens to my soul? Death is scary for everyone, but for a person with depression, life is scarier. So yeah, I'm a fucking coward. But that's my problem, not yours.
Shameful? I'm sorry I disgraced your name with my shameful exit. But you're the shameful one. You watched it happen. You made empty promises. You abandoned me. You judged. Only God can judge, right?
That's what depression feels like.
Monday, November 12, 2012
don't remember feeling this way in a long time..
I feel empty. completely empty. there's hardly anything to talk about because really, nothing matters.
walking is hard. I feel like I'm walking in slow motion. The images aren't going away, either, and they're becoming more prominent.The message is clear--I want for me to die. Everywhere I look I see some way that I could kill myself. Walking by a second story window at all the little happy people just makes me sad. Nobody would notice if I just slipped away. I look out the window at the gray, uncaring world, unchanged by my presence or absence in it.
It would be nice, to not live anymore. But what happens next? Do I just slip into an eternal blissful sleep? Or does blackness just creep over me until my mind disappears? Is there an afterlife?
That's what's holding me back. If religion is true, then surely I'd suffer in hell for eternity. If there is no afterlife, what happens to the soul?
I want to find the highest point I can and step out onto the ledge with my toes lingering over the drop. I want the wind to tingle my fingers and my face. I want to say one last goodbye then freefall. Feel the wind pushing me back, feel the rise and drop in my stomach. And then watch the earth come closer and closer.
This is how I want to die.
I feel empty. completely empty. there's hardly anything to talk about because really, nothing matters.
walking is hard. I feel like I'm walking in slow motion. The images aren't going away, either, and they're becoming more prominent.The message is clear--I want for me to die. Everywhere I look I see some way that I could kill myself. Walking by a second story window at all the little happy people just makes me sad. Nobody would notice if I just slipped away. I look out the window at the gray, uncaring world, unchanged by my presence or absence in it.
It would be nice, to not live anymore. But what happens next? Do I just slip into an eternal blissful sleep? Or does blackness just creep over me until my mind disappears? Is there an afterlife?
That's what's holding me back. If religion is true, then surely I'd suffer in hell for eternity. If there is no afterlife, what happens to the soul?
I want to find the highest point I can and step out onto the ledge with my toes lingering over the drop. I want the wind to tingle my fingers and my face. I want to say one last goodbye then freefall. Feel the wind pushing me back, feel the rise and drop in my stomach. And then watch the earth come closer and closer.
This is how I want to die.
Monday, August 6, 2012
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